Wonkette
“The United States urged Russia on Friday to halt aircraft and missile attacks in Georgia’s breakaway region of South Ossetia and withdraw its combat forces from Georgian territory as the situation in the former Soviet state verged on full-scale war. …Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice called the parties involved in hopes of ending the fighting, and made plans to send a U.S. envoy to the region.” Many in the comments of this website have mentioned what a travesty it is that people aren’t talking about this due to the start of the Olympics. Well, no one cares about the Olympics. It’s more like: this is a problem between two countries far far away, not the United States’ problem at all, except for oil implications, so let’s stop pretending it is. Surely the folks in Georgia and Russia are caring about this plenty enough. Meanwhile, read this hilarious thread. [AP]
NEW FUN WARS
That thread made me proud of my country for the first time.
…dont worry everybody Condi is on the job! Oh shit, Condi is on the job; where the fukk are my gas mask and 9mm?
Ah, Georgia. Giving Alabamians a reason to swell with pride since 1732.
“Those russkies have developed stealth tanks just like in Command & Conquer. I knew that Westwood was a communist backer, leaking our good pure American thoughts to anyone who will pay for it.
You will have to put out laser trip mines to stop the stealth tanks.”
…WALNUTS! probably thinks the Cuba missile crisis has restarted and the SOVIETS are invading!
“WOLVERINES!”
Hah, genius.
Jessica B has a very handsome profile.
LOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOLLOL
This and the image of consulting SKS’ breasts made my Friday.
If it’s a joke then it was fucking hilarious. If it was real OH SWEET ZOMBIE JEEBUS, Jessica for Preznit in ‘28!
Maybe this is a hint that they should invade our state of Georgia.
I would say no one is that fucking stupid, but then again, Mr. John Edwards…
I don’t want to sound smug here, but I made the same joke on Wonkette hours ago…
This truly has been a wonderful week. The McCain ads, the bus accident, the adult diapers in Houston, the American Apparel buttsex threesome, and now this. Thank you Muslim Jesus, and keep ‘em coming.
Batten down the hatches in Atlanta! Evacuate to the Georgia Dome! Protect Ted Turner!
As Condi points out, unlike Rus-sylvania we are not a country given to willy-nilly invading other, smaller nations. We prefer to manufcture an excuse first.
If it wasn’t for the misspelling of Georgia I would have believed it wasn’t a troll. But even the dumbest Georgians know how to spell their state’s name (i hope).
Isn’t South Ossetia in North Carolina?
I hate to say this, but those Russian tanks look like they’re made out of Legos:
http://msnbcmedia.msn.com/j/msnbc/Components/Photo/_new/g-cvr-080808-georgia-russia-1210p.grid-4×2.jpg
I showed to Sasha my translator and of course I had to explain it further. Imagine my disappointment when instead of laughing he just looked confused, and a little scared.
…those crafty Russians used the Monotauk monster to draw our forces away from the south!
Shit, this really could be a situation for The Situation Room! Get out you’re computerized graphics Woolfie….
Johnny Zhivago: …I always thought South Ossetia was that street in the Buckhead area where all the Transvestite hookers hang out? At least that is what Jim Newell told me.
AngryBlakGuy:
I thought you couldn’t invade SE North American from Yaktusk. Either way, the Russkies rolled triple sixes!
The Russians are invading Atlantis! Where is Namor! Hell, we’ll even take Aquaman’s help, we’re not proud!
I think Jimmy Carter should get involved with this situation.
Oh fiddle-dee-dee. War, war, war.
Hey, we knew they were sending bombers to Cuba….it was only a matter of time.
Can they take Florida, too?
What if this person was in Georgia, but not where the fighting is? Why did everyone assume assume assume assume assume that the poster was from the US? With English THAT awful it might be someone who is still learning…or someone from the US, but still.
What if that person needed real help and we all failed to warn her!
WonderWomyn: …you’re WonderWomyn you do something!!!
This is old, but it helps people to understand all internet traditions in the contexts of this post: How is babby formed?.
WonderWomyn: You could have a point there… but “Jessica” isn’t a very Eastern-European sounding name.
WonderWomyn:
Mostly because geography isn’t a US strength and is mocked by non US Americans around the world (I from Canada City and well acquainted with US geographic geniuz.)
Not many Georgians (the Nation) would have a name like Jessica (Simpson?)
iwillsavethispatient: ManchuCandidate: …Jessica is short for Jessicalinkanov!
President Dmitry Medvedev said on Russian TV today, “I have today decided to invade Georgia. Russia will not allow the deaths of our compatriots to go unpunished, or my name isn’t Vladimir Putin”.
Johnny Zhivago: You’re thinking of Osceola County, Florida, which is being invaded by the Cubans. Sadly this has happened before in our nation’s history after we were lulled to sleep by the liberal media. See the docu-drama “Red Dawn”.
What a week! Now let’s get schnockered.
…by the way where is Cheney God of War? You know he could never turn down a good blood letting!
ManchuCandidate:
Apparently grammar and verbs aren’t Canada City strengths…
AngryBlakGuy: Sitting at Bush’s desk, fingering the big red button.
Uh, Canada City? Toronto?
wheelie: LOL.
defeatism:
No. Canada City = Canada, Toronto = home. It’s what Terrance and Phillip from South Park call home. I figure if I’m mocking US America politics and politicians then I should be able to mock the land I call home. Only fair.
“Jamie Lynn Spears, yall shud be teet milkin yor littl hog instead of on the puter.”
lovely…who sez Muricans dont unnerstan snarkasm…
my favorite comment…”Nø need to fear the Russians. The Havarti Quesadilla Revolutionary Årmy is the real menace. The south will be reclaimed. Long live the Dano-Mex revølution. Long Live Knud Gonzales, the river to his people.”
my thought exactly…long live the dano-mex revolution!!!!!…
ManchuCandidate: pff. Canada is America’s snotty neighbor down the street with well kept lawn and two parent home. Loser.
This is all Carter’s fault. Before Reagan got a chance to tighten the screws on the Sandanistas, the Reds managed to sneak in an army and put them into cryogenic hibernation. They were programmed to reawaken and smash the yankees the moment Mother Russia got it’s shit together again.
I knew it, the Russians just pretended that they gave up on communism so they can hit us 17 years later. WE’RE DOOMED!!!
Please don;t scream “Russian Tanks In Georgia” when it is only Alan Arkin our for a drive.
anabellum: Enver Hoxha would be proud of you…
ManchuCandidate: …were the one that lured our great Detroit mayor over the border?!
american mutt: I like to think of Canada as my pinko commie cousin who never shuts up about health care. Also, my supplier of weed.
AngryBlakGuy: …left out “you” of course.
wow…dont know if anyones mentioned this….but scroll down and check the small ‘location’ map on this page…
http://afp.google.com/article/ALeqM5hpNRP9ysixHH3P9izLJRjYT1ATkA
AnnieGetYourFun: So I’m a Canadian already, comrade? Lemme know when I get my passport already so’s I can get an academic job in the great white north.
anabellum: Ha ha, that’s great!
I suddenly feel trapped in a world like the episode of Seinfeld where Elaine meets the anti-/alternate Jerry, George and Kramer.
The Yahoo yahoos are Wonketteers in a parallel universe, and I suddenly feel the need for another drink.
american mutt: Guilty, but with an explanation, Your Honour.
AngryBlakGuy: Guilty, but with an explanation, Your Honour.
AnnieGetYourFun: Guilty. You’re welcome.
wheelie: i think you could say Google finally shows itself as a truly American corporation…with a truly American sense of geography…
anabellum: Oh, poor Jessica.
You know Georgia is lame because it’s where this jackass came from. I mean, how do you go guns a-blazin’ against teh gehys (see: the South Carolina “so gay” bullshit) when you’re an obese kid in a wheelchair?
ManchuCandidate: Go ahead and mock my native land, too. Montréal = home.
THERE ARE PEOPLE IN CANADA?
All this time I’ve been lied to.
What about Georgia… there aren’t any people there, right? Just terrorists.
Gopherit v2.0: Oh if only they’d take out Florida. It would solve so many of our problems.
As per UYD: “We’ll Be Fine With Forty-Nine!”
The Station Manager: …hey, hey, hey! I live in Florida damn it! Besides who would you make fun without us? Then again I take that back considering the existence of Texas, W.Virginia, Alabama and Mississippi!
Johnny Zhivago: The “Lego” blocks are reactive armor - a composite of low brissance explosive, ceramic and metal. When the block gets hit by an RPG (or other shaped charge warhead), the explosive breaks up the hypersonic, white hot metal jet that otherwise burns through the tank’s armor and sets the inside (include the crew) aflame.
I’m watching NBC’s delayed coverage of the Olympics openening ceremony. All I have to say is: I, for one, welcome our new Chinese overlords.
Sweet Jesus, THAT’S power.
anabellum: Holy crap — and it’s still there.
Oh crap I hope nobody shows this to Dubya. That would be World War III. Fuck I’m gonna email the google.
ChernobylSoup: I’m watching it too. 15,000 Chinese dudes in pancake make-up miming forced abortions to golf claps from the crowd.
Happy Fun Ball: Yeah… “Perform, bitch! Or we’ll kill your family!”
Kinda wish they’d done that in Atlanta, ‘96. Woulda made for a better ceremony (and had the added bonus of relieving us of several thousand Georgians).
My all time favorite will always be Barcelona, with the archery.
ChernobylSoup: Team Yemen!! Did you see those guys? When did they add cab driving as an olympic event?
ChernobylSoup: Happy Fun Ball: …Im kinda boycotting the Chinese right now so I would appreciate if one of you could tell me which country had the token 1 athlete that has to carry his own flag and look awkward walking into the stadium as the crowd does a collective “that’s it” under their breath.
AngryBlakGuy: There are several of those, actually. I think those participants (that you describe) should get all the gold and the better(?) life that said gold would have brought them in ‘mericuh. God bless them.
Actually, invading Georgia is an event in this year’s Olympics; I am on the Freedonia team, appointed by President Firefly himself, who said, “If Georgia weren’t played by Margaret DuMont, I’d invade her myself.”
AngryBlakGuy: That would be Niger. Their lone rep is a swimmer. Who knew? Although it’s possible NBC just auto-generated that graphic to put under his name because they had no idea what he did either. He waved that flag with a stiff upper lip though. Good for him! Michael Phelps will be drying off in the locker room when that poor guy is still finishing his final lap though.
AngryBlakGuy: Liechtenstein has two athletes. Their flag bearer looks like he is favored to win at least a bronze in Excel spreadsheet-making.
Happy Fun Ball: Oh, Happy… if Excel spreadsheeting were an Olympic event I would so totally, completely, incomprehensibly, Casius Clayilly, Micheal Phelpsily, DOMINATE the fucking Olympics that all ‘mericuns would wet their panties at the mere mention of my avatar.
Anywho… what’s Bob Costas saying right now?
AngryBlakGuy:
yes, abg, me too.
i will not watch one second of olympics in china and will spare you
the rant…i reckon you know what i mean.
fuck them and the slave labor they rode in on.
Happy Fun Ball: …hehe, as a Nigerian I can make fun of other Africans!
ChernobylSoup: …it seems that their is a directly inverse reaction in the audience when it comes to how many athletes each country has. Its kinda cool because when 1 guy walks in and the stadium goes crazy like a rock star entered the building it must really make them feel special!
ChernobylSoup: He and Matt Lauer and basically out of material, are needling each other like towel-snapping frat bros, and are probably about to break into a tickle fight. He did make the obligatory “American gold medalist Joey Cheek was violated by the revocation of his Visa!” comment, because apparently the Chines yanked it from him over his intention to draw attention to the Darfur genocide. I know this because I am stuck in traffic a lot with the radio on.
tsunami: …they have already DEPORTED foreign rabble rousers believe or not! Fukkin ridiculous!
AngryBlakGuy: Yes sir. This ‘ceremony’ will make for interesting reading on many a Ph.D. disertation for years to come.
Goood night. Long live Tianaman Square!
Happy Fun Ball: I don’t know when they added cab driving, but as soon as they add power martini making, flaming shot pouring, and the jager-bomb throat luge, the fucking Chinese, Canadians, and Nigerians but step teh fuck off, because this Floriduh-ian is a Plantium medal winner, baby.
Is it just me, or does declaring war on the opening night of the Olympics seem…just a little…tacky? It’s like announcing your divorce on the night of your parents 40th wedding anniversary. We all know you hate each other, you couldn’t just suck it up and smile for one fucking night?
Never mind Condi. Behold Georgia’s gift to the sumo world, Kokkai! No doubt he will tank the Russkies:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kokkai_Futoshi
Meanwhile, back at the Edwards compound, Elizabeth is sending in armored tanks”judiciously” commandeered by Gen. Shawn Summers.
Switters: Agreed. So glad that the cable news stations are prioritizing, and are OBSESSED with Edwards’ inabilty to keep his dick in his pants.
(It’s WAR, people!)
Neilist: Thanks for the details… I think I’ve seen this on Israeli tanks also - I imagine we must employ it some other way?? Undoubtely more expensively?
Best answer over at Yahoo is this one :
Да, вся ваша база принадлежат нам!
(Translation : all your base are belong to us)
McCain called Putin today and said “Mr. Putin, I served with William Tecumseh Sherman: I knew William Tecumseh Sherman; William Tecumseh Sherman was a friend of mine. Mr. Putin, you’re no William Tecumseh Sherman.”
Johnny Zhivago: We use depleted uranium (DU) plating. Don’t worry, it’s perfectly safe — unless you’re exposed to it for long stretches of time. Like if you spend days or weeks in, say, a tank.
http://www.who.int/mediacentre/factsheets/fs257/en/
Goddammit. Only the US is allowed to invade another country with very little reason.
Anyway, this would explain why, when driving through the outskirts of Atlanta this evening, I encountered TEN FRICKIN’ RUSSIAN T-90 TANKS BLOCKING THE LIGHT at the very *worst* intersection onto the I-285 outer loop. In true Atlanta driver form, I screamed up at the commander of the rear vehicle, “Управлите прокляты танк, сын сукын!” (Trans: ‘Move that damned tank, you son of a bitch’ - it’s fortunate that I speak Russian). Alas, he merely flipped me off and the blaring of my horn went unheard amidst the rumble of their engines.
I decided I was only propagating the stereotype of the ugly American, so I got out of my car and dashed into a nearby liquor store. Ten minutes later, with the help of ten bottles of Grey Goose, vastly superior to московская frickin’ prune vodka or whatever, and some street maps, they tractored off.
Jesus
Darehead: Jesus, the guy belongs in a James Bond movie.
I too was watching the China will conquer the world Olympics. Beijing 2008=Berlin 1936…anyway, the best entry in the parade of nations was Guatemala. They sent an Olympian in the most hilarious sport of all, badmitten (sp.)
But thankfully the gun-racks in pick-up trucks will keep the Russians out of Alabama (”A well-regulated militia…”). Not to mention the trank traps made from duct tape.
honestly people, didn’t most of you say WTF! when you initially heard “Georgia”? No? well maybe it was just me…..
valobama: I read that Stalin often swore in his native Georgian, mumbling around his Turkish pipe.
regisgoat: Badminton? I forgot there was such a thing. As for the James Bond Georgian, Futoshi Kokkai is his sumo name which actually means ‘fat dude from the black sea.’
Ahhhh, wayback yonder in the halcyon days of yesterday the Edwards story seemed to be buried under the Olympics and war, and today it’s the opposite. I’m feeling like it’s time to throw the libertines and US-Georgia jokes under the bus, this ‘nuddah war is freakin’ real McCoy..
NYT reports 1500 civilian deaths the first day! That’s my WTF moment this morning!
War = Snark Repellant
Darehead: And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like…that. I miss-snarked. Meh-be. If so, mea culpa.
Cuz I found out Kokkai is from Abkhazia, which is also a breakaway region of Georgia, so that means he might be loyal to Russia more than Georgia, though I assumed otherwise, since he moved to the main part of Georgia, and claims it as his home. But actually I DON’T KNOW. Does anyone?
All I wanted to do was point out a famous Georgian. Waaaa! My head is so sore from banging it against the wall.
Poor Hungary and their hilariously bad outfits, displaying that well-known Eastern European fashion sense.
Nothing like an opening ceremony teeming with peasants to dispel the notions the rest of the world has about China.
I agree with Scooter: Я согласен, ситуация в Грузии очень серьезны. Почему отходов столько времени и энергии на такой вопрос, очевидно, фальшивка?
AngryBlakGuy: The only “Cuban crisis” that McCain remembers clearly involved the USS Maine.
Bush will display solidarity with the freedom-loving people of Ossetia, support our strong ally the Georgians and protect vital US interests in Ossetia by invading Iran, you heard it here first.
Guppy06: …that should be his new campaign slogan. “REMEMBER THE MAINE!!!”
I think they just heard that they had really tastey peaches there. I’m sure as soon as they realize their mistake they will go home…and say they are sorry. Nothing to worry about.
Okay, how many commenters will be drafted by Emporer
BrzezinskiObama to go fight for NATO in Georgia? How high will the draft age go?Canada and America are brothers. Canada is a 1st grade teacher
and America is a crack addict.
And yes, Jessica B, you really should be worried.
Georgia Tea, my friends. The Caspian Wet Dream.
The world’s 2nd largest $3b pipeline, which just opened last year, carries OIL from the Caspian through Georgia to Turkey where it’s loaded on supertankers and delivered to Europe and the US. See, while y’all were distracted with the Iraq tease, the pipeline has been the real hard-on for US foreign policy.
Sound familiar? Yah! Because you dun already saw this scenario in the James Bond film The World is Not Enough.
Soon, Americans will be saying, “Wart? Der’s a place in ‘Merica called Georgia, too?” Now, rev up dem Harleys. Vrrrrooooommmm….
“Those Moscow girls make me scream and shout. That Georgia’s always on my mi-mi-mi-mi-mi-mi-mind!”
p.s. Gormogon: If you mean Empress Brzezinski (Mika), I’d volunteer.
see the olympics is way more important than some war between Russia and Georgia, i mean those happen like every four years, but the Olympics is something that has never happened before and might not happen again.
I am in Savannah, watching the Ruskies sail up past Elba Island, they submarines and aircrafts carriers full steam ahead, flags a flyin’ in the snappy breeze and decks lined with cute Ukrainian boys in tight pants and jaunty hats and nothin’ else.
We is on the upstairs verandah with our mint julips, white flags in hand, ready to welcome our rich new overlords. There’s plenty of oil in Rusia and them Commies sure won’t let Newt shut down the gummint and stop our checks. I say, Drill, boys, drill on for the South! Let the damn Yankees go to hell with they pinko Husseinite liberalities!
Party down at Chuck’s Bar tonight!!!
We’re ready for ‘em in Texas! I’m firing up ol’ Betsy now. Ol’ Betsy, BTW, is a truck mounted quad .50 that I got at the SAXET gun show. I use it fer varmints.
anabellum: OMG! Call Governor Schwarzenegger!
anabellum: It’s even funnier that they still haven’t corrected it by now! Good eye.
top story on BBC US warning to Russia over Georgia
on Al Jazeera Georgia-Russia war intensifies
CNN Phelps earns second gold medal in relay thriller
wow the american media fails
So Condi, our fearless neo-con dominatrix in chief, has to use a safe word (please stop) after Master Putin bends her over and sticks his huge $%^% up her $%^.
I guess I’m going to have to brush up on my Russian once Walnuts loses WW3.