MUTANT HYBRID ARMY  1:50 am August 8, 2008

America’s Leaders Terrified by Monster Island

by Ken Layne

High Five Monty!You’ve heard about the Montauk Monster and the terrible secret government laboratory on Plum Island, but what will our Leaders do to stop the reign of biological terror from the Department of Homeland Security’s Monster Island? Even Hillary Clinton is frightened!

  • “We are particularly concerned that DHS has not been meeting the security needs of the facility since Federal Protective Service agents were removed from the island.” — New York Democrats Sen. Hillary Clinton and Rep. Timothy Bishop
  • “The horrific prospect of exterminating potentially millions of animals is not something this country’s ready for.” — Dr. Floyd Horn, former head of the Agriculture Department’s Agricultural Research Service
  • “In 2003, physical security at Plum Island was deficient in several ways. For example, alarms and door sensors for detecting intruders were not fully operational; controls to account for the keys to the island’s facilities were deficient; and USDA was not providing sufficient physical security for certain assets, including those critical to the continued operation of the facility. These vulnerabilities were particularly troubling because a strike was under way, and sabotage of the island’s infrastructure had already occurred.” — Department of Homeland Security (GAO PDF)
  • “If there was any risk of a pathogen in the air, they need to quarantine all healthy animals. If they are sure there was no pathogen in the air, they may not need to quarantine but they need to take steps to be sure there was no contagion.” — Ken Alibek, former top Soviet germ warfare official
  • “Families from Orient Point to Riverhead and beyond will sleep better knowing that Plum Island will not study diseases like the Ebola virus.” — Congressman Tim Bishop in 2002
  • “I am very disturbed by this sequence of events. As I hope you would agree, this incident is unacceptable. A worker’s right to report dangerous working conditions without fear of retribution must be protected.” — Hillary Clinton writing to DHS Secretary Tom Ridge in 2003 about a whistleblower being fired for yakking about anybody being able to access Monster Island’s bio-horror lab
  • “But Plum Island has a major and unfixable problem: it’s an easy target for terrorists, indeed a sitting duck — and, frankly, Long Island has room for only one big duck on the East End. In the wake of 9/11, the center, housing highly virulent disease agents a mile and a half off Long Island, constitutes a serious risk not just to New York, but also to Connecticut, Massachusetts and Rhode Island, which are all within 100 miles of Plum Island.” — Karl Grossman, New York Times
  • “Mike Carroll also ominously points to a revelation first reported by Newsweek in 2001 that Pakistani nuclear scientist Sultan Bashir Bashir-ud-Din Mahmood had a New York Times article about Plum Island in his possession when he was arrested in December 2001. Mahmood held meetings with Osama bin Laden in 2000 and 2001, according to his son.” — Associated Press

Also, did you know there’s maybe some kind of Alien Hell-Door right there at Montauk? The alleged Montauk Project started more than a half century ago at “Camp Hero” (now Montauk Point State Park) on the northeastern tip of Long Island, just across the water from Plum Island.

Says DISINFO.COM: “Though the Montauk Project ceased in the 1983 of our timeline, it is said to be fully operational in numerous parallel worlds. These activities occasionally bleed through into our reality and there is talk about alternate Montaukian timelines threatening to collapse into and merge with ours, entirely. (Whatever THAT really means!)”

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 34 comments }

o' August 8, 2008 at 2:07 am

Why the picture of Barack Obama when he’s never mentioned in the story?

SayItWithWookies August 8, 2008 at 2:22 am

“The horrific prospect of exterminating potentially millions of animals is not something this country’s ready for.”
Aw, come on — FOX has been waiting for this day since probably 1983. Besides, how many communist Muslims could there possibly be?
(And hey — it rhymes. It must be true.)

johnbpt August 8, 2008 at 2:37 am

Hannibal Lecter would have so escaped from there.

Jewdishoowary Square August 8, 2008 at 2:38 am

“The horrific prospect of exterminating potentially millions of animals is not something this country’s ready for.”

…except for the American Bison, the Gray Wolf, and the damn Passenger Pigeon.

Jewdishoowary Square August 8, 2008 at 2:43 am

[re=54750]Jewdishoowary Square[/re]: Oh…I made myself sad.

SayItWithWookies August 8, 2008 at 2:51 am

Oh, wow — I found this in going through Nostradamus, and it so applies to Wonkette and the current political situation:

Nostradamus, Century IV, Quatrain II, Verse XCVII:

When the rapist-’stached ectomorph
Is the Center of the Sandwich
Then the wife-pimping flyboy
Is the Antichrist to vanquish.

Look at the American Apparel ad, folks. Look at John McCain. I think all you god-fearing Americans know what to do. And christ I hope you ignorant fuckers can read. But just barely.

Ken Layne August 8, 2008 at 2:56 am

[re=54751]Jewdishoowary Square[/re]: You’ve made ME sad now, too. Can’t we just laugh at the monster again?

InsidiousTuna August 8, 2008 at 3:14 am

[re=54752]SayItWithWookies[/re]: HOLY SHIT

sachxn August 8, 2008 at 3:25 am

I didn’t find any mention of Obama in the story but only in the pic…..why so

Sachin

Darehead August 8, 2008 at 5:25 am

Now I am going to have to do some serious thinking about whether to go with Locke or Jack.

Them August 8, 2008 at 5:55 am

Further proof we need John McCain as President. He wouldn’t even entertain any questions from bozo journalists about monsters or UFOs or Mulder and Scully doing it. Because he knows the sound of freedom, my friend, and it’s so abrasively noisy it can’t possibly involve horrific subterranean genetic mutations.

lilblackcorvette August 8, 2008 at 6:19 am

That monster looks like this guy i used to know….long story… nevermind.

lilblackcorvette August 8, 2008 at 6:20 am

Did you write that check yet , Ken?

Serolf Divad August 8, 2008 at 7:32 am

[re=54750]Jewdishoowary Square[/re]:

Don’t forget the Carolina Parakeet.

Darehead August 8, 2008 at 7:45 am

[re=54750]Jewdishoowary Square[/re]:

Nēnē!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hawaiian_Goose

Delicious August 8, 2008 at 7:49 am

People, let’s get our facts straight. This isn’t Monster Island.

According to Wikipedia, this is:

The United Nations had decided to gather all the Earth’s daikaiju (giant monsters) and corral them into a single location, then keep them there. The Ogasawara Islands were chosen for the project and by 1999, Godzilla, Rodan, Mothra, Anguirus, Gorosaurus, Kumonga, Minilla, Baragon, Manda, and Varan were all residents of Monsterland. Various security devices were installed on the island to make sure the daikaiju wouldn’t escape. Among the various devices were machines that sprayed different types of mist that Godzilla and Mothra shied away from, as well as a magnetic wall that prevented Rodan from flying away.

Now you know the rest of the story. Good day.

Jewdishoowary Square August 8, 2008 at 7:51 am

[re=54774]Serolf Divad[/re]: Didn’t forget, but I couldn’t find any solid statistics that said there were ever millions of them. Doesn’t mean there weren’t, necessarily, but whatever.

eyesfriedopen August 8, 2008 at 7:57 am

[re=54752]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Seriously, what’s with the geek train? Is this what the hip kids are wearing these days? American Apparel advertising has gone downhill since the purple mountains majesty.

RuperttheBear August 8, 2008 at 8:08 am

“Families from Orient Point to Riverhead and beyond will sleep better knowing that Plum Island will not study diseases like the Ebola virus.” said Congressman Tim Bishop in 2002. “Diseases like The Black Death, Small Pox, Gout, and Very, Very, Very Itchy Genitals, however, are fair game.”

Squiggyfm August 8, 2008 at 8:19 am

Here’s a fact:

No one has ever seen Mark Penn and the Montauk Monster together at the same time.

Coincidence? I think not!

4tehlulz August 8, 2008 at 8:25 am

[re=54776]Delicious[/re]: Did they have to wear yellow suns on their chests too?

paolaccio August 8, 2008 at 8:25 am

The Montauk Monster fist jab photo is my favorite part of this story. Avaunt, humourless Obamanauts!

Monsieur Grumpe August 8, 2008 at 8:58 am

Sounds like someone got a hold of next seasons script for Lost.

Sabre_Justice August 8, 2008 at 9:19 am

I salute the fine, brilliant mad scientists behind whatever went on there.

sanantonerose August 8, 2008 at 9:25 am

Parallel worlds? Time machines? Aliens? Raging boners?

This is the kind of stuff I love learning about on a nice quiet Friday morning.

Johnny Zhivago August 8, 2008 at 9:34 am

I don’t understand the problem here. Concentrating all the most dangerous diseases and toxins under one roof, and locating them in one place to save costs seems like a pretty good idea, even though they MIGHT do a lot of damage if they were accidentally released.

Come on, people, it’s not as if the government allowed crazy or irresponsible people to work in these highly classified laboratories!

slithytoves August 8, 2008 at 9:42 am

Maybe because it’s Friday am, but I can’t seem to figure out this story… at all. Was that supposed to be a “chronology” of reports?

Darehead August 8, 2008 at 10:21 am

[re=54776]Delicious[/re]: 大怪獣バトル!

Not_So_Much August 8, 2008 at 10:43 am

[re=54752]SayItWithWookies[/re]: I thought you were talking about Charlie Crist.

Johnny Zhivago August 8, 2008 at 11:07 am

Looks like the Obama’s have picked out a non-alergenic pet for the kids!!!

natoslug August 8, 2008 at 12:30 pm

Screw the Montauk Monster, I want to know more about Karl Grossman’s giant virulent Long Island terrorist duck. How come nobody warned me about that?!

Ken Layne August 8, 2008 at 1:34 pm

[re=54765]lilblackcorvette[/re]: The fuck are you talking about? Say goodbye as you are being banned.

loquaciousmusic August 8, 2008 at 2:19 pm

True story: I was just on vacation in Groton Long Point, and I could see Plum Island from the front porch of my house. Now I have three eyes. Do you think that’s coincidental?

GerryMander August 8, 2008 at 4:29 pm

Doubt that’s Obama’s pet. That cute little fella has “Cheney Family” written all over him. Let’s name him Haliburt!

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