CNN PoliticsWhen a terrible monster was found washed up on the beach near Montauk, New York, on July 12, the local newspaper speculated that the mutant beast escaped from Plum Island Animal Disease Center, the top secret government lab known as “Monster Island.” Wonkette has since learned that the Biosafety Level 3 (or Level 4) facility was taken over by the Department of Homeland Security in 2003, has had numerous biohazard accidents in recent years, was investigated by the House last year, is no longer patrolled by Federal Protective Services police, and has been the subject of environmental sabotage by government contractors. Worse, the Bush Administration is currently trying to shut down the island laboratory and replace it with a monster lab on the U.S. mainland, where the deadly diseases could easily spread to livestock and people.

The 840-acre island sits a few miles across Gardiners Bay from Montauk, at the tip of Long Island. It was a military base through World War II, after which it was taken over by the Department of Agriculture for the isolated study of livestock viruses such as foot-and-mouth disease and anthrax. But the work at Monster Island turned dark in the early 1950s, as Cold War biologists were told to create horrors to set loose upon Soviet agriculture and even Cuba’s tobacco crops.

Monster Island Ferry
Mishaps have been recorded since 1954, the Bush Administration acknowledged in April, with the 1978 escape of foot-and-mouth disease from the laboratory to the open-air farm on the island being one of the worst acknowledged accidents.

In a government simulation in 2002 called “Crimson Sky,” foot-and-mouth disease spread from the laboratory to mainland farms. The National Guard shot tens of thousands of infected animals before it literally ran out of bullets, people rioted in cities because of food shortages, a 25-mile-long mass grave had to be dug in Kansas, and the acting president, Senator Pat Roberts, described the government response as “a mess.”

People who live around the mysterious facility have long suspected viral releases haven’t just happened in federal readiness drills.

In 2004, the New York Press noted the still-unexplained 1975 appearance of the first cluster of patients suffering from a tick-borne disease in the woods of Lyme, Connecticut — right across Long Island Sound from Plum Island itself.

There are also suspicions about the sudden 1999 encephalitis outbreak in New York and Connecticut caused by an African bird virus never before seen on this continent, with Plum Island sitting in the middle of the outbreak zone.

Even the anthrax mailings of 2001 began in New York and ended with the death of 94-year-old Ottilie Lundgren in Oxford, Connecticut, although the government now claims the rogue biological-weapons scientist behind that crime was employed by the federal biological weapon laboratory at Fort Detrick, Maryland. (Osama bin Laden and/or Saddam Hussein did the anthrax mailings, according to George W. Bush and Dick Cheney in late September of 2001, and FBI chief Robert Mueller was “beaten up” for failing to come up with supporting evidence.)

It's Larry King!
The most horrible stories about Monster Island are, of course, about the supposed monsters being bred on Plum Island. There was the Hybrid Mutant of Maine, the Dover Demon, and that dead deer outside Cheney’s house for a week.

As for the mysterious Montauk Monster, Plum Island director Dr. Larry Barrett finally issued an official statement last week:

“It is impossible to accurately identify the species of animal from the photo. There is no scale from which to judge its size. Additionally, when a body has had prolonged exposure to water and predators, it can be altered or appear different from its normal form. If we had the actual body, we could tell you what it is; however, from viewing the lower canine tooth and other physical characteristics evident in the picture, we could guess it may be a dog or raccoon. I can state categorically that it is not associated with the work performed at Plum Island Animal Disease Center (PIADC). PIADC serves as the Nation’s first line of defense against foreign animal diseases of livestock by identifying such diseases through diagnostic testing and by developing vaccines to protect livestock from those diseases.”

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  1. [re=54629]anabellum[/re]: oops oops oops…my fingers move sooo fucking fast sometimes….

    shit its hard to type….i meant shouldnt….not should…

    excuse me, while i catch my breath..

  2. Oh GOD… anything the DHS touches rots in mere seconds. I’m going to suggest my relatives leave the tri-state area immediately.

  3. This is the only way we can keep up with Mexico and Ancient Greece in the terrifying hybrid arms race! Say what you will now; the next time you come up against a chymera or chupacabra, you’ll be glad we have a Plum Island.

  4. It’s where they offered to send Hannibal Lecter for a yearly vacation in exchange for his cooperation in “Silence of the Lambs.” Sounds like fun, just don’t send me a postcard.

  5. i pray the lord my soul to take…

    but not before i eat my cake…

    the leathery beast keep at bay…

    so that i may see another day…

  6. [re=54649]anabellum[/re]:

    holy shit, ana…can i get some of whatever it is?

    i not sure it’ll be that much fun, but what the hell…

    i’m game for anything.

  7. More importantly, how can we stop these creepy shadow goverment types from trying to HURT OUR BARRY WITH RABID RADIOACTIVE MONSTER BITES!??!?!

  8. I was taking this whole post as kind of a joke, until I saw the part about the island being close to Lyme, Connecticut. I have a friend whose life has been nearly destroyed by Lyme disease… and if the govt. released that… seriously, that couldn’t be true, could it?

  9. [re=54649]anabellum[/re]:

    OK, ana…now i’m really starting to worry.

    where the hell have you been since 8:56?

    can’t you arrange delivery so you don’t have to go out?

    in 15 minutes, i’m calling 911.

  10. And I have a bunch of other friends who, two years ago, got hideous unexplained rashes all over their body after swimming in a pond near New London or Mystic, CT… which is across the water from Plum Island. Fuck, this is scaring the shit out of me.

  11. …shit, as long as pterodactyl and tyrannosaurus arent roaming through Manhattan right? That being said does anyone know if the Department of Homeland Defense is looking for volunteers for their “Weapon X” program, I wouldn’t mind a little Adamantium in my diet!

  12. [re=54652]tsunami[/re]: the advice column in Paranoid Magazine tells me that you arent quite ready….even though you think you are…

    im supposed to listen to ‘my inner sense of masochistic abandonment’….play with my ‘celestial dolphin’…..forego my taste for cigarettes…swallow the fruit of…well, never you mind…

    existence on a higher plane isnt for everyone…as it absolutely has an effect on ones income…

  13. [re=54664]jagorev[/re]: …if it burned when they peed I would suspect that rash would have something to do with gonorrhea or syphilis.

  14. [re=54664]jagorev[/re]: Yeah, but they already have their patents and pharma stock and rule a fearful and compliant public, so it’s all good.

  15. [re=54668]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: here’s the rash I’m talking about:

    It affected about 214 athletes during a track meet at Conn. College (the course was flooded and they had to splash through stagnant water). Although they initially called it “swimmer’s itch”, the standard medications for that didn’t help at all. No one died, and it subsided after a few weeks; but it was weird, incredibly painful, and apparently completely inexplicable to dermatologists who were consulted.

    Fuck it, I’m never going closer than 50 miles to Plum Island.

  16. There should be creative names for both the freak-creatures and diseases that come out of these government labs. The “Montauk Monster” could be “Spitzer” because it looks like a rat, and the wolf-dog-ape-man-bear-pig could be “Ron Paul,” because it eats cats and dogs, has glowing eyes, and likes to be run over by the bus.

    @Ken Layne:
    Fuck ya. This was higher quality than the Post 30 years ago (not that I was there).

    Is it Bob Novak being finally gone from the columnists and the interwebs alike (not that it was HIM on the internet, but his minions) that means the dark cloud over the face of the written word can now be destroyed with sunshine?

  17. I thought Monster Island was a peninsula where they sent presidents who failed gym to.

    Gee guys. Can’t fucking keep infection diseases isolated on an ISLAND. Can’t wait for those doofi to move it to CONUS. I for one welcome our new zombie overlords.

  18. [re=54674]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Douchebag Kristol is still string words together in an order that makes sense to him, and others of his ilk…but the sun does peek through the clouds during the rain…

    What’s next, a Five Assed Monkey?

  19. [re=54653]SayItWithWookies[/re]: I’m thinking Cthulu/Cheney ’08 is better for that ticket.

    They’ve already got the campaign merch (, complete with “War on Christmas” accessories, and a TV tie in (

    That said, I certainly see room for Montauk in the cabinet… Sec’y of Agriculture at a minimum, maybe even taking over for skeleto… er, I mean Chertoff.

  20. For this Jayhawker the most terrifying phrase of the story by a nautical mile is “Acting President, Senator Pat Roberts”. Good gawd, we’re all doomed!!!!

  21. [re=54697]S. Cullen Bonz[/re]: nice. My first thought was:
    Oh you guys..”Montauk Monster”…that’s not very nice! I’m sure Barbara Bush was not intending to be photographed sunbathing nude on the beach that day.

  22. I’d like someone in the federal government to explain this sudden outbreak of balls-in-mouth disease I appear to be suffering. This isn’t like me at all!

  23. The Paultards have been suspiciously quiet about this one. I mean, I don’t want to jinx it or anything…but there’s your fucking litmus test.

  24. I thought it was an escaped alien from the Montauk Project. Maybe the labs are working in tandem now. I’m sure the truth is hidden in some Dylan lyrics.

  25. I KNEW the Department of Homeland Security was somehow involved in all of this.

    the Montauk Monster bore too striking a resemblance to Michael Chernoff for it not to be his: clone, lovechild, beast-wife or unholy combination of all three.

  26. Alright boys and girls, booze yourself up, grab your guns and gas masks, and get the parachutes! We’re gonna go on an island holiday and have some fuuuun!

    I have played too many video games, and so have these guys. Far Cry was clearly based on a true story.

  27. It should really be called The Photoshop Monster.

    It’s amazing that Plum Island hasn’t exploded, melted, disintegrated or sunk into the ocean because of the mounds of hazardous waste stored there. One of these days, it’s just going to explode.

  28. “PIADC serves as the Nation’s first line of defense against foreign animal diseases” and yet the director of PIADC can’t even identify this foreign animal.

    But it sure does look tasty. Fire up the Barbecue!

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