HELL ON WHEELS  3:02 pm August 7, 2008

Straight Talk Express On Houston Rampage

by Sara K. Smith

The reign of terror continues! Not content to just mow down elderly black Floridian motorists and spread propaganda for John McCain’s arch enemy, the Haunted Devil-Bus has now buried Houston in a blizzard of “campaign supplies.” [KHOU]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 33 comments }

ManchuCandidate August 7, 2008 at 3:05 pm

I’m pretty sure that McCain’s handlers are looking forward to Juan looking confused and befuddled while asking “I hope that’s not Shepards Pie in my pants.”

Manofsteel August 7, 2008 at 3:07 pm

It’s only a matter of time before Houston hosts its first Miss McCain Chip contest.

weirdiowasculpture August 7, 2008 at 3:07 pm

Are we sure McCain’s bus was involved? Did the forensic people find any applesauce jars rolling around on the median strip?

weirdiowasculpture August 7, 2008 at 3:08 pm

That’s not diaper change we can believe in.

jagorev August 7, 2008 at 3:08 pm

See, this is what happens when you try to run against a Shark-god worshipping secret Muslim. They put black magic voodoo spells on your bus.

The Real JR Revisted August 7, 2008 at 3:10 pm

Sara, you’re hilarious… I actually had to walk away from my desk to contain myself. lol.

weirdiowasculpture August 7, 2008 at 3:11 pm

For those of you who are noticing for the first time, we’re calling the Stripy Sox Buttsex Threesome to my left “Brittany, Brad, and Jennifer.”

AnnieGetYourFun August 7, 2008 at 3:11 pm

[re=54310]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Aaaaand there goes my appetite. Thanks.

iwillsavethispatient August 7, 2008 at 3:12 pm

Some days, you guys at Wonkette have to work hard for your stories. Today, it seems is not one of those days.

AngryBlakGuy August 7, 2008 at 3:14 pm

…geez John McCain is really on a rampage! Next thing you know he is going to stab someone to death in the back of the “Straight Talk Express” and decapitate there lifeless corpse.

mr.november August 7, 2008 at 3:14 pm

[re=54312]weirdiowasculpture[/re]: “Depends” on your definition of apple sauce jars.

GlennBecksTaint August 7, 2008 at 3:14 pm

and now what will the Astros wear tonight?

Uncle Al August 7, 2008 at 3:17 pm

I see there’s an entire category of adult-diaper stories on Wonkette. It has its own tag. But I’m afraid to click on it.

lumpenprole August 7, 2008 at 3:18 pm

There are serious issues at stake in this election, and serious differences between the candidates. And we will argue about them, as we should. But it should remain an argument among friends; each of us struggling not to crap our pants, and hold it in; each of us, despite the pressure, focused on clenching, and patiently awaiting the next load of adult diapers from campaign HQ.

mookworthjwilson August 7, 2008 at 3:19 pm

[re=54322]weirdiowasculpture[/re]: I was thinking Michelle, Barry and Cindy…

NotUrEvryDayWEzl August 7, 2008 at 3:21 pm

I love that this is the first story I come back to on Wonkette today.

It took authorities several hours to clean up the mess

::Snicker, snicker::

Serolf Divad August 7, 2008 at 3:23 pm

[re=54320]The Real JR Revisted[/re]:

Sorry, that doesn’t work. I’ve tried but she still wont PM me.

WadISay August 7, 2008 at 3:24 pm

Rovian SOP calls for accusing your opponent of your own weaknesses. Thus McCain’s next ad will accuse Obama of careless bus driving.

ManchuCandidate August 7, 2008 at 3:25 pm

[re=54344]WadISay[/re]:
And poor bowel control.

SayItWithWookies August 7, 2008 at 3:30 pm

…and oh, the skid marks.

sanantonerose August 7, 2008 at 3:33 pm

[re=54332]GlennBecksTaint[/re]: [re=54350]SayItWithWookies[/re]: heeheehee

masterdebater August 7, 2008 at 3:33 pm

I guess no one complained about the aluminum foil hats because they were recyclable?

Texan Bulldoggette August 7, 2008 at 3:35 pm

Hmmm…some other possible culprits:

1. George Sr & Barbara–who crap their pants at the thought of Jr.’s legacy
2. Roger Clements–who wears them to hide injection marks in his buttocks
3. Any member of the citizenry, who wakes up & realizes: “Oh holy hell, I live in Houston!”

Botswana Meat Commission FC August 7, 2008 at 3:46 pm

Do they even make adult diapers wide enough to fit on Houstonian asses?

Botswana Meat Commission FC August 7, 2008 at 3:47 pm

[re=54325]iwillsavethispatient[/re]:
So true. For a while there a lot of the Walnuts stories seemed to be getting a bit boring, but damn, he really stepped it up in the past day or two with Miss Buffalo Chip, Tire Gauge-gate, “senior” moments on the road, etc.

sezme August 7, 2008 at 3:51 pm

[re=54315]weirdiowasculpture[/re]: Nurse! I believe I need to be changed!
[re=54369]Botswana Meat Commission FC[/re]: Not to mention Hiltongate

cynbot August 7, 2008 at 3:51 pm

You know, McCain wouldn’t look so weirdly bottom-heavy at biker rallies if he just used an enormous butt tampon instead of diapers.

loudmouthredhead August 7, 2008 at 4:18 pm

Is that the Straight Talk Express equivalent of trucker bombs? I mean, is it really THAT urgent that they don’t stop at all between town hall meetings?

Anyone else imagine a car commercial for electronic stability control featuring one of those improbable, almost-accident situations? Except in this case, you’re not dodging lumber falling off a big rig, but diaper bombs flying off a rampaging mobile command center/retirement castle.

loudmouthredhead August 7, 2008 at 4:21 pm

[re=54372]cynbot[/re]: Wait, but then wouldn’t he risk getting plugged up, forcing the crap to start shooting out of his mouth? Oh, wait…

loudmouthredhead August 7, 2008 at 4:24 pm

Well, we can certainly tell its a GOP news item: once again, they’re shittin’ on the little guys (and gals, and deer, and bunnies, and varmints by the side of the road)

Scooter August 7, 2008 at 5:44 pm

Reporter: Senator, boxers or briefs?
McGrampy: It depends!

Oscar Folsom Cleveland August 7, 2008 at 7:07 pm

I suspect that if those “diapers” were examined in a proper laboratory they would be shown to container pods of space lizard eggs, hundreds and hundreds of them. Only the red cloud of the invasion fleet – steered from Earth by “Cindy” McSame from her airborne “private plane” command post – prevents our being completely overrun by hybrid Juan-lizards.

The Sturgis motorcycle event was only a precursor of more to come. The last thing America wants is for Mrs McSame to start peeling off her fake human skin and exposing that red lizard body underneath!

J-Man August 7, 2008 at 11:39 pm

So, is it true that David Vitter was driving by, screeched to a halt, and jumped out of his car screaming, “Oh boy–BUFFET!”

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