Wonkette
Do you have time to read a 45-page-long first-person alt-weekly newsfeature about John McCain’s long life of being a political crook in Arizona and how everyone there fears and hates him? Of course not! Lucky for you, Wonkette has a team of offshore article readers, in Bangalore, who go through this stuff and whittle it down to a simple Top Ten list. You are welcome for this Service Journalism.
- 1. Back in 1994 when this reporter was doing a feature on McCain, she went to his house before dawn, for some reason, and Cindy was doing a whole fake routine of cooking eggs for the kids, even though it was still nighttime.
- 2. Sometimes John McCain would be a guest host on talk radio, and he’d be polite to the callers but then say terrible stuff about them, off the air.
- 3. Before that whole campaign-finance reform stunt, McCain was totally against any changes to the campaign-finance system, and in fact repeatedly voted against reforms in the 1980s.
- 4. This is because he got all his money from lobbyists and corporations, especially the crooked Savings & Loan run by McCain’s best friend, Charles Keating, who would also take McCain on sexy free vacations to the Bahamas, which Keating owned.
- 5. Ha, nobody even remembers the Keating Five scandal anymore, even though the GOP candidate for president was one of the Five senators deeply involved in the crooked Savings & Loan scandal, which almost destroyed America forever and wound up costing taxpayers $125 billion dollars.
- 6. Cindy’s dad the Budweiser Brewery kingpin also has special dealings with Keating.
- 7. When Rose Mofford, a nice old Democrat lady who was Arizona’s secretary of state, wound up serving out Ev Mecham’s term as governor — the whackjob Mecham was forced out of office in 1988 — McCain conspired to shame Mofford during a brief appearance before Congress. Asked why, he cackled and said, “I’ll embarrass a Democrat any time I get the chance.” Minutes later, he swears to reporters that he’d “never do anything like that.”
- 8. McCain is always mentioning Arizona’s political greats, as if he’s one of them, too. But Arizonans say McCain shouldn’t even be allowed to talk about Barry Goldwater, beloved conservative senator, and Mo Udall, beloved liberal congressman. “It drives some people here nuts. Particularly those who know, or knew, all three men.”
- 9. Goldwater distanced himself from McCain once it became clear that Arizona’s new senator was a conniving little crook. After being scammed into attending a McCain fundraiser disguised as a “tribute” to Reagan, Goldwater insisted that McCain give half the take to the state GOP party, but of course it didn’t happen. “You will recall during my speech at the dinner for the president in Phoenix, I announced that you were going to give half of the funds you raised to the State Republican Party,” Goldwater wrote to McCain. “I am told by the Party, that you still owe them $35,000, and unless you pay all of it, or most of it, they cannot meet their payroll next Wednesday.”
- 10. The guy who worked for Cindy’s charity and caught her stealing a million pills wrote this in his journal, at the time: “During my short tenure at AVMT, I have been surrounded by what on the surface appears to be the ultimate all-American family. In reality, I am working for a very sad, lonely woman whose marriage of convenience to a U.S. Senator has driven her to: distance herself from friends; cover feelings of despair with drugs; and replace lonely moments with self-indulgences.”
- Baker’s Dozen Bonus No. 11. And now RNC private investigators are chasing that guy, Tom Gosinski, even though he long ago moved to another state and started a totally different career and has had nothing to say about the McCains since the pill-addict scandal, which he only told the DEA about because he was scared of going to prison if he covered up Cindy’s opiate scandal.
Postmodern John McCain: the presidential candidate some Arizonans know — and loathe [Phoenix New Times]
Still too long. Can someone further whittle it down to a list of four items? The internet has destroyed my attention sp… ooh, a blue jay.
They forgot reason 46: He farts in the car with the heat on full-blast and the windows up.
What about the time he faked being captured by the Cong just so he could stay in country with his gay Vietnamese lover? …Ok, it’s not true, but it’s great campaign stuff!
I took a a 200-level reporting class at ASU from this reporter. I got a C in it because I always turned things in about an hour late and she refused to give partial credit, so I just failed most of the assignments. She was a hardass.
Pretty good reporter, though.
…in all fairness when I’m completely shit-faced plastered I like to make breakfast too!
…oh yeah, by the way they just sentenced Osama Bin Ladens wheel man 5 years in prison! That’ll should show all those terrorist how serious we are!!!
I know being a crook is, like, bad or something, but that egg thing really bothers me.
“…replace lonely moments with self-indulgences.”
Is there something wrong with that?
masterdebater: Whaddya mean it’s not true about the gay Vietnamese lover? It’s true, as far as you know.
I really wish Barry was mean and dirty enough to harp on the Keating Five thing.
AngryBlakGuy: Pancakes to go?
Oooh, this top ten list is good. If Barry don’t throw this at Walnuts in the near future then he’s missed a golden opportunity.
Goodbye John McCain!
NotUrEvryDayWEzl: …nah, to many carbs. I’m more of a cheese eggs and sausage kinda guy!
A baker’s dozen is 11?
I knew I could never trust those damn bakers.
Time to find a new baker if his idea of a “baker’s dozen” is eleven.
Delicious: Look up the video for “Halcyon” by Orbital. That’s what I imagine Cindy was essentially like.
I’m having a hard time understanding how an independently wealthy businesswoman who takes on a husband, finances his campaigns, flies him around the country for free on her corporate jet and he, in return, takes her on a bus trip to Sturgis and offers her to thousands of yuppie bikers, can be said to be in a marriage of convenience. That sounds pretty damn inconvenient to me.
Either 11 is the new 13 or someone’s redefined Baker’s dozen.
Godless Liberal *: me, too.
johnbpt: 11 is the new 13. Blame the falling dollar.
natoslug: jinx!
AngryBlakGuy: Atkins diet, huh? How’s it workin’ for ya, ABG?
This just in: Bin Laden’s driver sentenced to:
66 months community service; 2 years license suspension and mandatory driver safety school.
Thank heavens we’ve taken that menance OFF THE ROADS of Afghanastan for a LONG time!
11 is the new Baker’s Dozen. McCain voted for this legislation because he is in the pocket of the powerful Baker’s Lobby. Once again, McCain backs big business at the expense of the consumer.
Uncle Al: Oh my god, you’re right! I just realized that, while I just made the whole thing up, I have exactly zero evidence that it isn’t true. The other stuff in the article, sure, but this new twist? I mean, I don’t think McCranky sat out the war smoking Uncle Ho’s sausage, but do I have enough evidence for a categorical denial? I think someone should run with the story just in case it’s true…and thanks for your confirmation that it is possible, however unlikely, that McCain is hiding a small Asian man in his basement, while Cindy acts as his beard.
“Marriage of convenience”? What is contained in that pregnant passage?
They don’t even mention the 5-and-a-half years he spent in prison. Who would vote for an ex-con?
Surely poor little Cindy can find herself some young man-candy running around to take away the hurt!
SayItWithWookies:
Depends on one’s perspective. For Cindy, inconvenience. For John, sugar Mommy!
re: #1. Question: Was she using fake eggs?
Cindy had been up for days, no sleep. This was her crack phase. The house was as clean as a whistle, but her fried eggs tastes like Meth.
Canmon (the Inadequate): That’s genius! Why don’t the Dems run with that? And yet, the sad thing is, had Barry spent time as a POW, you can just bet there would be a whole army of GOP scare ads to the effect of: “Did you know Barack HUSSEIN Obama spent five years in JAIL? And not even a good American jail,but one of those FOREIGN ones? Why does Barack HUSSEIN hate America so much?”
Yes, with commodity prices still double what they were a year ago, the new “American” baker’s dozen is eleven.
AngryBlakGuy: Yippee! Seven years later and we finally got the guy who drove bin Laden around in a car for a while!
SayItWithWookies: Unless she’s secretly a dyke?
Johnny Zhivago: Now he’s free to drive the Straight Talk Express!
natoslug: I would have gone with “This List Goes to 11″, but then, I never get tired of Spinal Tap jokes.
There they go again, the lefty smear merchants are dragiing McCain through the m……. wait, all of that is true?
So offering up your wife naked at a biker rally didn’t make the list? What Buffulo Chip!
Ken Layne: I blame the education system. Damn elitist preschools.
SayItWithWookies: I agree, I’m frankly stumped. Blackmail?
You know, looking at this archive of articles on McCain going back 10 years or so (http://phoenixnewtimes.com/mccain) holy shit these people really don’t like him.
Check out this headline and lede:
(March 25, 1999) Is John McCain a War Hero?
The senator’s five years as a prisoner of war have been widely viewed as heroic. But as he prepares a White House bid, a small group of detractors is determined to expose him as a wartime traitor
Meet Cindy McCain: Homewrecker, Drug Addict, Lonely Self-Indulgent Shell of a Human.
In other words, a fairly normal conservative.
SayItWithWookies: Well, from the very little reported about their relationship, perhaps there was some strong influence of her father. He was the one who used his own influence to start McCain on the political path.
Maybe he wasn’t trying to woo Cindy Lou during Operation Crippled WIfe Dump, Maybe he was actually trying to get into the pocket of the father.
This merits an investigation into the father and whether he was a very overbearing figure who more or less arranged this marriage, sticking Cindy Lou in a loveless marriage. Cause, yeah, she totally holds all the cards here, so why is she so passive to him?
The American Apparel ad appears to depict a young Charlie Crist as the meat in a one man, two women sandwich. This has earlier been proved conclusively false in Wonkette’s hard hitting, “under the covers” expose of Gov. Crist’s collegiate career. I worry this kind of thing could lead to more “I am confused” e-mails.
Please, Please, Please don’t use that picture of Grampy anymore. I cannot take it.
“July 27, 1992: I have always wondered why John McCain has done nothing to fix the problem. He must either not see that a problem exists or does not choose to do anything about it. It would seem that it would be in everyone’s best interest to come to terms with the situation. And do whatever is necessary to fix it. There is so much at risk: the welfare of the children; John’s political career; the integrity of Hensley & Company; the welfare of Jim and Smitty Hensley; and the health and happiness of Cindy McCain.
“The aforementioned matters are of great concern to those directly involved, but my main concern is the ability of AVMT to survive a major shake-up. If the DEA were to ever conduct an audit of AVMT’s inventory, I am afraid of what the results might be . . . It is because of CHM’s willingness to jeopardize the credibility of those that work for her that I truly worry.
“During my short tenure at AVMT, I have been surrounded by what on the surface appears to be the ultimate all-American family. In reality, I am working for a very sad, lonely woman whose marriage of convenience to a U.S. Senator has driven her to: distance herself from friends; cover feelings of despair with drugs; and replace lonely moments with self-indulgences.”
He’s also got Peyronie’s disease.
I’d put that number 1. Get it? NUMBER 1. Ok, back to the playground.
GlennBecksTaint: But she does have leather pants. Most of them have diapers.
WTF is up with the cuddle party on the side? WHERE IS SWIMGIRL???
Thanks for summarizing the article. It was way too long for me to read.
There’s only one that matters, and bears repeating over and over again:
John McCain caused the Savings&Loan scandal which cost taxpayers $125billion dollars.
Fuck You America
Don’t you hate people who make fun of you behind your back, when the microphones off? That kills me……Oh.
4. This is because he got all his money from lobbyists and corporations, especially the crooked Savings & Loan run by McCain’s best friend, Charles Keating, who would also take McCain on sexy free vacations to the Bahamas, which Keating owned.
Are you saying that Keating owned the Bahamas? Or are you saying he owned the Savings & Loan? I’m confused.
It took them 45 pages to say that? Were they, Dickens-like, paid by the word?
uhmmmm…….still no mention of the fact that it costs 100 dollars an hour to delve into the pre-1999 files of the Arizona Republic?….shoot, all that paper did was publish numerous expose’s on the mafia dealings of Cindys father…funny how its so hard to get access…
self-indulgences = masterbation
right? or is that just my euphemism? cuz I can’t think of a better way to replace lonely moments.
The Real JR Revisted: sad and pathetic….ive been thinking about this very question…
lets put it this way,….do any of you really have any idea of what it means the Cindy took as many drugs as she says she did?…
its a HUGE amount….10 to 15 hits of hydrocodone a day….and she did it for a period of three years….
three fucking years…
its been my experience that no one is ever ‘fine’ after that…
expatinOz: That’s self-abuse. Self-indulgence is when the Pope says “I GET TO GO TO HEAVEN EVEN AFTER I HAVE THE BUTTSECS!”
I tried to read the full article, but I have to admit that I gave up and read the feature on UB40 from that site instead. I’m a bad commenter.
(But still . . . Ha ha, I never knew that America only decided that Red Red Wine was Best Song Eva in 1988, five years after they had the hit in Britain! You bunch of 80’s music losers, you only got into UB40 after they were done! I laugh at you. (Retrospectively.))
A marriage of convenience: get ready for President Cindy McCain.
Why are the democrats not hanging the Keating 5 scandal around McCain’s neck?
regisgoat: Probably because it was one Republican Senator and Four Democratic Senators; Glenn, Cranston, DeConcini (sp?) and Reigle.