ATTACK ADS  7:50 pm August 5, 2008

Well How About That, It’s That Paris Hilton Gal

by Jim Newell

Oh that wacky Paris Hilton, seizing on the moment. Here she is wearing a creepy swimming gown and responding to John McCain’s dumb ad about her in an internet video from some comedy website we’ve never heard of. Top story on Drudge? Mission accomplished, obviously. [Funny Or Die]


Hola wonkerados.

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ManchuCandidate August 5, 2008 at 7:54 pm

It was about 30 seconds too long. Like an SNL skit.

NotUrEvryDayWEzl August 5, 2008 at 7:54 pm

That’s hot.

Amazing how this one ad beats the panties off everything those cunts have made over at McCain HQ

El Bombastico August 5, 2008 at 7:56 pm

Meh. Not as politically insightful as that landlord baby.

hrhkingfriday August 5, 2008 at 7:56 pm

I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

soytrucknutz August 5, 2008 at 8:01 pm

Where does her skin end and her bathing suit begin?

DoctorCulturae August 5, 2008 at 8:02 pm

Moral of the story: Don’t mess around with real attention whores.

Shockingly, I now respect Ms. Paree, and yes, because she could read the info off the card and make sense she is…hot.

Mahousu August 5, 2008 at 8:03 pm

The site name makes it too easy. But I’m just trying to end the underline.

Mahousu August 5, 2008 at 8:07 pm

[re=52671]soytrucknutz[/re]: The promised land.

AxmxZ August 5, 2008 at 8:08 pm

Heh. That’s totally Barack’s energy policy, now that he decided to cave on the offshore drilling.

loudmouthredhead August 5, 2008 at 8:09 pm

Of course, having the nation’s largest vagina be representing us abroad could bring more nations under our sway, so that might not be such a bad idea….actually, that’s hot.

Why does her voice still sound like she’s 12?

wheelie August 5, 2008 at 8:09 pm

This is rather brilliant. I love it.

loudmouthredhead August 5, 2008 at 8:11 pm

[re=52671]soytrucknutz[/re]: I think it was glued on by court-order, after she blinded a few folks with that whole “I’m gonna get outta the car with no hoochie covering on” incident.

Delicious August 5, 2008 at 8:12 pm

I’ve seen her in person. Swoon. She can do no wrong. She can run over anybody, suck a thousand cocks, but she always have a place in my heart.

And remember, she’s not from the “olden days” like that “wrinkly, white-haired guy.” Wheee.

Hooray For Anything August 5, 2008 at 8:12 pm

I’m a little conflicted about this. On the one hand, Paris represents the decline and fall of Western Civilization. On the other hand, she pwned him.

loudmouthredhead August 5, 2008 at 8:12 pm

[re=52677]AxmxZ[/re]: Like, totally? But this policy is hotter, like, duh.

Texan Bulldoggette August 5, 2008 at 8:15 pm

[re=52679]wheelie[/re]: Me too. (And that’s kind of embarrassing to say out loud.) At least she can read the teleprompter better than McOld. She doesn’t say “th-th-th-a-a-t-s no-o-o-t h-h-h-o-o-t-t”.

loudmouthredhead August 5, 2008 at 8:16 pm

[re=52682]Hooray For Anything[/re]: Kinda makes your head explode, right? That, or it shows you that even Paris Hilton can make more sensible government policy than republicans. I think the latter is more valid.

The Neoskeptic August 5, 2008 at 8:22 pm

wait, is Paris not a total idiot all of the sudden?

tsunami August 5, 2008 at 8:25 pm

ten thumbs up.

paris…we hardly knew ye.

NotUrEvryDayWEzl August 5, 2008 at 8:25 pm

[re=52687]The Neoskeptic[/re]: This could be her reinventing herself, like Madonna.

BigDupa August 5, 2008 at 8:25 pm

Perhaps we could somehow harness the wrist action of dudes beating off to future Paris sex tapes– some sort of Gilligan’s Island style turbines? That’s change we can believe in.

El Bombastico August 5, 2008 at 8:32 pm

The stupidest part of this whole thing is that Tucker Bounds actually released a campaign response to this. Do they just sit in the Straight Talk Express and get high while making campaign strategy?

WikipediaBrown August 5, 2008 at 8:34 pm

Wow! I guess for the second time this week the Chicago Sun Times will be able to report someone has a brain.

Street Organizer August 5, 2008 at 8:40 pm

5 Whore Diamonds for Paris

AngryBlakGuy August 5, 2008 at 8:42 pm

…ehhhhh, kinda sorta funny. The second time I watched it I paused it 24 seconds threw for male purposes.

The Incomparable Tiny Valdez August 5, 2008 at 8:47 pm

The tan line problem Paris faces is even more complex than the SWIM girl’s. Actually, I am stunned that I actually admire the trollop for the first time in my life.

Texan Bulldoggette August 5, 2008 at 8:48 pm

There’s a TON of things not to like about Miss Paris, but I kind of respect the fact that she hasn’t went out & bought her a new pair of boobies. Guess that means she can’t be Miss Buffalo Chip….

loudmouthredhead August 5, 2008 at 8:49 pm

Is there going to be a “nightvision green” version? That would be H-A-W-T

SayItWithWookies August 5, 2008 at 8:50 pm

Where did she learn to read — in prison?

Hominidx August 5, 2008 at 8:51 pm

This is the funniest, smartest and most attractive she’s ever been.

loudmouthredhead August 5, 2008 at 8:51 pm

Guys, Guys….c’mon. This is PARIS HILTON still, remember? She didn’t suddenly graduate college or anything, geez. I mean, an African Grey parrot can be trained to answer questions and dictate things too…

Hooray For Anything August 5, 2008 at 8:51 pm

[re=52691]El Bombastico[/re]: What can you about a campaign that in the space of 24 hours, has the candidate attend a motorcycle rally in which he jokes about his wife competing in some sort of topless/bottomless beauty contest and then finds itself in a tit-for-tat with Paris Hilton? You go, John McCain.

Delicious August 5, 2008 at 8:52 pm

[re=52691]El Bombastico[/re]: Yes.

Canmon (the Inadequate) August 5, 2008 at 8:53 pm

I have to agree with her on this. Comparing Obama to Paris Hilton is offensive, to Paris Hilton.

The Incomparable Tiny Valdez August 5, 2008 at 8:54 pm

I love Paris in the summer when it sizzles…

itgetter August 5, 2008 at 8:57 pm

[re=52691]El Bombastico[/re]: Oooh, what did he say?

tsunami August 5, 2008 at 9:00 pm


i’m really surprised at you, lmrh. you’re always superfunny/snarky, but…

give paree her props.

hamletta August 5, 2008 at 9:05 pm

I thought she did a fine job (as did the writers). She played it completely straight, which is the number one rule of comedy.

And I like Funny Or Die.

somelegalbitch August 5, 2008 at 9:06 pm

That girl has one hell of a sense of humor.

Hooray For Anything August 5, 2008 at 9:09 pm

[re=52711]itgetter[/re]: According to Politico: McCain spokesman Tucker Bounds emails: “It sounds like Paris Hilton supports John McCain’s ‘all of the above’ approach to America’s energy crisis – including both alternatives and drilling. Paris Hilton might not be as big a celebrity as Barack Obama, but she obviously has a better energy plan.”

Guess he’s okay with the fact she compares him to the Crypt Keeper

nyhfrog August 5, 2008 at 9:10 pm

Fuck! I like Paris Hilton now. I’m one lost dude.

wheelie August 5, 2008 at 9:11 pm

[re=52698]The Incomparable Tiny Valdez[/re]: That was ambiguous. You’ve admired trollop Paris for the first time, or you admired trollop Ms American Apparel for the first time? (By the way, Ms American Apparel deserves credit for her “O hai!” expression, and the dark seam on her swimsuit that runs down to her crotch, just gently lifting her ladybits and carefully delineating her cameltoe. Well done her. Nice.)

[re=52713]@ tsunami[/re]: [re=52702]Hominidx[/re]: [re=52695]Street Organizer[/re]: [re=52684]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: [re=52687]The Neoskeptic[/re]: I think she (Paris) deserves her kudos. Never thought I’d see the day. Good on her.

Mahousu August 5, 2008 at 9:15 pm

[re=52699]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Here’s the thing: she’d never compete anyway – Miss Buffalo Chip is beneath Paris Hilton. Paris Hilton has more self-respect than Cindy McCain. And the saddest thing is, that isn’t even snark.

Sabre_Justice August 5, 2008 at 9:15 pm

Pwned by Paris Hilton?!

Mccain and his campaign are officially dead, they just don’t know it yet.

itgetter August 5, 2008 at 9:17 pm

[re=52718]Hooray For Anything[/re]: The Crypt Keeper always did an excellent job of reading from a teleprompter, so… compliment?

I’m sort of pissed that he responded with humor and intelligence instead of a more “Get off my lawn!” approach.

MargeSimpsonsBlackFriend August 5, 2008 at 9:28 pm

I’m confused. This whole thing actually makes sense. SMH!

Guppy06 August 5, 2008 at 9:31 pm

I kept waiting for the banana cream pie to fly out at her from off-screen (insert oral sex jokes here), or a 5 t weight to fall on her, or some hidden catapult to throw her into the water. I must say, I was left feeling let down.

jagorev August 5, 2008 at 9:32 pm

This was truly awesome. I hope they give Paris Hilton a keynote in Denver..

meemers August 5, 2008 at 9:33 pm

WOW! She is a fricken Genius. That Bitch has more balls
Than mothball McCain and Cool Dude Obama! She has my vote!

meemers August 5, 2008 at 9:35 pm

WOW! She is a fricken Genius. That Bitch has more balls
Than mothball McCain and Cool Dude Obama! She has my vote![re=52664]ManchuCandidate[/re]:

TGY August 5, 2008 at 9:36 pm


AxmxZ August 5, 2008 at 9:42 pm

Did you notice she called them “Barack” and “McCain”? This is indicative, people. People *like* Obama. They want to be on first-name basis with him.

ReverendGreen August 5, 2008 at 9:44 pm

People bothered by Paris’ introduction into the campaign don’t get the time-old political tit for tat: McCain compares Obama to an American embarrassment, a barely-literate would-be criminal, someone beyond saving on the quest to get the IQ above 90, who only got to where she is because of her dad’s money and connections. And Obama compares McCain to George W. Bush.

Guppy06 August 5, 2008 at 9:45 pm

[re=52733]meemers[/re]: I loved her, she’s much better than Cats. I’m going to vote for her again and again.

pickleandcake August 5, 2008 at 9:49 pm

Finally, a candidate richer than McCain, hotter than Hill, and more arrogant and elitest than even Barack is (allegedly).

But the real question: will she overrun 1600 penn. ave. with those silly little dogs?

WhatTheHeck August 5, 2008 at 9:51 pm

Now that she’s dispensed with McCain, her next video takes aim at the fundies.

She wants them to know she’s read the bible (while in jail), totally understands it and is printing her own version
as Jesus revealed to her.

jagorev August 5, 2008 at 9:59 pm

This is the launch of a new career for Paris. I fully expect that she will be governor of California within 10 years (and she won’t even be in the top 10 of weird politicians from California).

CivicHoliday August 5, 2008 at 10:02 pm

Um…so, is it wrong that I actually thought this was very clever? Is that possible? Could SHE be Obama’s VP – just a sucker punch to McNasty?

shortsshortsshorts August 5, 2008 at 10:03 pm

That was funny. That was all. Thank you Paris for reaching out instead of reaching around. I mean shit give her some respect for firing back while also acknowledging how retarded she is. Amem.

ReverendGreen August 5, 2008 at 10:07 pm

How many more videos of Paris mocking McCain will it take for him to call her a cunt?

professor.cj August 5, 2008 at 10:12 pm

as an edumacator at a big land grant school, i can say with some certainty that your lack of awareness of would indicate to my students that you were born 80 years ago in a home without plumbing and electricity, and that you currently get together once a week with McCain to pry the hard candy from your dentures with your croquet mallets while lamenting the demise of doo-wop and disco and the rise of hip-hop and fergie, whatever that is.

my students send me links to all the time, but i can’t send my students to wonkette, because of all the dirty words, and the letters that would inevitably be sent to my provost from the parents of the students regarding the intolerable blah blah blah. is their other favorite for, um, college humor. user 239 is my personal fave. [ ] i don’t think he is an actual college student.

AnnieGetYourFun August 5, 2008 at 10:14 pm

[re=52707]Canmon (the Inadequate)[/re]: Ha! That made no sense at all.

[re=52750]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: TOTES. She done good.

Perot le fou August 5, 2008 at 10:32 pm

No one has yet to comment that the site is called “Funny or Die” and it isn’t funny, thus leaving only one conclusion. Too obvious?

Pop Socket August 5, 2008 at 10:34 pm

I smell running mate. Or skank. They’re pretty similar.

Serolf Divad August 5, 2008 at 10:36 pm

Meh… I’m holing out for the Paris/McCain sex tape… which you know is coming.

FunkyPalmettoBug August 5, 2008 at 10:39 pm

[re=52752]ReverendGreen[/re]: How many more videos will she have to make before McCain figures out that she isn’t his daughter.

AnnieGetYourFun August 5, 2008 at 10:40 pm

[re=52762]Perot le fou[/re]: You clicked through? Sucka.

lawrenceofthedesert August 5, 2008 at 10:42 pm

Who names their daughter Paris? That’s a boy’s name.

Sara K. Smith August 5, 2008 at 10:43 pm

[re=52758]professor.cj[/re]: This is how old I am: when I read that URL, I think, “Funny Ordy.”

AxmxZ August 5, 2008 at 10:57 pm

[re=52769]lawrenceofthedesert[/re]: Only if you actually, you know, read and shit. Colloquially, it’s been feminized through Paris La Belle.

evolutionista August 5, 2008 at 10:59 pm

okay, when paris and nicole wrote “anal salty weiners” on the the marquee at sonic, i thought i was gonna die, but this is also pretty funny.

that is one, funny slut.

columnv August 5, 2008 at 11:04 pm

[re=52682]Hooray For Anything[/re]: point taken.

NotUrEvryDayWEzl August 5, 2008 at 11:28 pm

[re=52758]professor.cj[/re]: I have a nagging suspicion, however, that the students are more of the LNSer type rather than the Wonketter type, given by my total ignorance before this evening of such a sight. I must agree with [re=52770]Sara[/re] and say that I read the URL Funny Ordie and think of something like an okie or some hick like that.

denver_80203 August 5, 2008 at 11:56 pm

McCain has been bitch slapped by Paris Hilton. I hope she keeps it up.. she certainly has more money than the wrinkly old white dude

Paradise August 5, 2008 at 11:56 pm


seriously: you can kill me or you can kill her; i don’t give a shit.

melving August 6, 2008 at 12:26 am

When was beer served in a bucket?

obfuscator August 6, 2008 at 12:35 am

“I like, totally feel that John McCain’s Iraq policy is SO STUPID… I hate it. He’s a total bitch. It’s like, obvious that the Iraqi government won’t reach political reconciliation when it comes to like, sectarian divides and that oil revenue sharing stuff until we totally do stuff to push them towards taking control of their own country. Whatever, the surge was only, like, one component of the reduction of sectarian violence, duh. It was all like, in conjunction with the Sunni awakening and that Sadr guy’s decision to stand his militia down and stuff.

Militias are hot… “

Mr Blifil August 6, 2008 at 12:41 am

I think I smell tuna.

gurukalehuru August 6, 2008 at 1:01 am


CalamityJames August 6, 2008 at 1:21 am

That’s it, I’m in love with a herpetic slut.

Key moment: “I’ll see you at the debate bitches.” The look on her face just makes me want to break her jaw out of love.

Spiro Agnew August 6, 2008 at 1:41 am

Once American political campaigns respond to celebrity mock-advertisements we’ve all crossed some sort of terminal shock point from which we can sadly never return. It’s a brave new world folks.

jerryw August 6, 2008 at 1:57 am

Dear Paris,
My only qualification to be your vice president is that I can breathe through my ears, will that work for you?

Tap twice on my forehead for a yes vote.

Peace out,

Jerry w

Guppy06 August 6, 2008 at 2:00 am

OK, so not only can she read a prepared script that’s handed to her (by whom?), but when faced with a decision between A and B, just like George Bush deciding between cutting taxes and increasing spending, she’ll choose both, call it a “compromise,” and use it to appeal to the largest audience.

Yeah, she’s got a future in politics.

Is this a sign that politicians can’t hire good writers, or that good writers refuse to work in politics?

Wagamuffin August 6, 2008 at 2:17 am

I counted. She can pronounce words with more than two syllables.
Tabernac! Incroyable! Un miracle!!

I think I saw Jesus’s face in her swimsuit, btw. Al Franken saw the Texas Panhandle…

irisheyes August 6, 2008 at 2:22 am

This was actually pretty funny. And her energy plan is more comprehensive than Walnuts. Hmmmm

shortsshortsshorts August 6, 2008 at 2:38 am

[re=52814]irisheyes[/re]: Or the celebrity guy.

dilhavarti August 6, 2008 at 3:10 am

[re=52758]professor.cj[/re]: CJ? That you?

FOD, me likey, bitches.

New Slogan is…

“Elevating Cock Dialogue.”

Scooter August 6, 2008 at 3:49 am

So one attention-slut kicks another attention-slut in the walnuts? Survival of the hottest, sez me.

grobby22 August 6, 2008 at 7:15 am

Funny, I now feel a strange urge to want to make love to her. Please someone, anyone tell me I am still okay.

Makeithurt August 6, 2008 at 7:31 am

Thank fucking god that someone is making sense even if it’s a vapid little twat.

regisgoat August 6, 2008 at 7:32 am

I don’t know. That foxy, self-absorbed face, that rather curveless body. It would be too much like boinking Virginia Woolf. However, I’m glad someone alerted her to the fact that McDiapers was dragging what’s left of her good name through the mud. As for the oil-drilling plan, if she added Obama’s so-called caving in to it–protecting the coast of Oregon and California from oil exploration–than I’ll give her more props. (I’m sure what she really needs in life is props from me.)

Godless Liberal * August 6, 2008 at 7:50 am

John McCain should just fucking give up now, according to this CNN poll:

bunnyhead August 6, 2008 at 8:31 am

let’s face it, Paris (and Brittany for that matter) is an entertainer with a routine that brings in millions of dollars. What were you doing at her age? If McCain wants a no-talent young woman to exploit, maybe he can use his own daughter Mehgan in his next ad.

disgustedcitizen August 6, 2008 at 8:35 am

Paris Hilton for President. Why the hell not? She couldn’t fuck this country up any more then shrub and his evil trolls have for the last 8 years. But only if she picks Chelsea Clinton for Sec of State.

FilmDrunk August 6, 2008 at 8:41 am

I didn’t think it was that funny, I guess I’m just not ready to not hate Paris Hilton yet. Btw, you were being sarcastic about never having heard of Funny or Die, right?

Volumptuous August 6, 2008 at 8:48 am

Am I the only one who sees gold, shimmering light coming out of her vagina?

dearest August 6, 2008 at 9:11 am

Paris just nailed him. How bad you have to be to have Paris Hilton nailing you?

TGY August 6, 2008 at 9:30 am

[re=52843]Volumptuous[/re]: El Dorado Vagino.

TGY August 6, 2008 at 9:31 am

[re=52853]dearest[/re]: It’s like a duel of wits between unarmed opponents. :p

WIDTAP August 6, 2008 at 9:53 am

Ok. Every time anyone says “totally hot” I ….

Excuse me, I just projectile vomited.

However: “I see you at the debates, bitches.” – best line. Makes the video. Hope she shows up to a few McCain town halls an challenges him there too.

kudzu August 6, 2008 at 10:30 am

[re=52678]loudmouthredhead[/re]: Because deep inside she is twelve.

imatter August 6, 2008 at 10:35 am

Those plastic pool lounge chairs are not hot.

Street Organizer August 6, 2008 at 10:57 am

[re=52764]Serolf Divad[/re]: Me? I’m waiting for the Incredible Hulk McCain Girl to bust out of her thongs and wet t-shirt and beat Paris’ ass.

Gopherit v2.0 August 6, 2008 at 11:11 am

She ought to be careful calling him a wrinkly, white-haired guy. Remember Paris, he’s already robbed one blonde trollop-cunt of the best years of her life with his Nosferatu-like magnetism, he might be looking for another. And you can’t hold this likker …….one of his ears might fall off in your hands.

scottypants August 6, 2008 at 11:30 am

On one hand Ms Hilton shows again she is whtie trash with money – but hell, he’s also white trash with a sense of humor – Paris FTW! (shit – did i just say that?)

I wouldnt go so far as to credit her with intilligence though – she still just reads off of cue cards – written no doubt in LARGE CAPITAL LETTERS, with a pink sharpie marker :)

thefrontpage August 6, 2008 at 11:36 am

Good for Paris Hilton! This is the best thing she’s done yet. Good for her. Life would be more fun if she was the president–of the Beverly Hills Pool Inspection Committee.

nietzscheprojectile August 6, 2008 at 11:45 am

I think we’ve found our new energy czar…

sanantonerose August 6, 2008 at 11:49 am

Animal print keyhole bathing suits, gold pumps, and bleach blond hair: what American politics always has been and always will be.

BadNewsJack August 6, 2008 at 12:08 pm

I still want her to die a horrible painful death.

lumpenprole August 6, 2008 at 12:19 pm

That was too long, but now I’m totally infatuated with her.

Vewol Mevemont August 6, 2008 at 12:27 pm

Not bad, Paris. Not bad. Call me!

TGY August 6, 2008 at 12:40 pm

Ahahaha, the AP headline is ‘Paris Hilton issues tart rebuttal to McCain ad’, which famously uses ‘Paris Hilton’, ‘tart’, and ‘rebuttle’ in the same sentence.


Rusty Shackleford August 6, 2008 at 1:16 pm

Kudos to Paris for showing some real cojones! At least her dis of McDouchebag carries way more meaning that that skank Heidi Montag’s endorsement of him. And seriously, who hasn’t heard of Funny Or Die? Will Ferrell’s shit is effing funny! But then, I smoke a lot of weed and think Judd Apatow’s movies are funny too.

donner_froh August 6, 2008 at 1:31 pm

[re=53003]sanantonerose[/re]: If more hot young women wore pumps with their bathing suits it would make America stronger.

glamourdammerung August 6, 2008 at 1:40 pm

[re=52703]loudmouthredhead[/re]: Yes, but McCain still has not managed to pull that trick off.

wallythepug August 6, 2008 at 1:50 pm

I love that she referred to WALNUTS! as “wrinkly old white hair dude.” Since he called Cougar Cindy a c**t for a far lesser infraction, I can only imagine his private response to this Cougar in Training.

Dissento August 6, 2008 at 5:58 pm

I wonder if her parents have asked for their donations back?

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