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Oh that wacky Paris Hilton, seizing on the moment. Here she is wearing a creepy swimming gown and responding to John McCain’s dumb ad about her in an internet video from some comedy website we’ve never heard of. Top story on Drudge? Mission accomplished, obviously. [Funny Or Die]

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117 COMMENTS

  1. Moral of the story: Don’t mess around with real attention whores.

    Shockingly, I now respect Ms. Paree, and yes, because she could read the info off the card and make sense she is…hot.

  2. Of course, having the nation’s largest vagina be representing us abroad could bring more nations under our sway, so that might not be such a bad idea….actually, that’s hot.

    Why does her voice still sound like she’s 12?

  3. [re=52671]soytrucknutz[/re]: I think it was glued on by court-order, after she blinded a few folks with that whole “I’m gonna get outta the car with no hoochie covering on” incident.

  4. I’ve seen her in person. Swoon. She can do no wrong. She can run over anybody, suck a thousand cocks, but she always have a place in my heart.

    And remember, she’s not from the “olden days” like that “wrinkly, white-haired guy.” Wheee.

  5. I’m a little conflicted about this. On the one hand, Paris represents the decline and fall of Western Civilization. On the other hand, she pwned him.

  6. [re=52679]wheelie[/re]: Me too. (And that’s kind of embarrassing to say out loud.) At least she can read the teleprompter better than McOld. She doesn’t say “th-th-th-a-a-t-s no-o-o-t h-h-h-o-o-t-t”.

  7. [re=52682]Hooray For Anything[/re]: Kinda makes your head explode, right? That, or it shows you that even Paris Hilton can make more sensible government policy than republicans. I think the latter is more valid.

  8. Perhaps we could somehow harness the wrist action of dudes beating off to future Paris sex tapes– some sort of Gilligan’s Island style turbines? That’s change we can believe in.

  9. The stupidest part of this whole thing is that Tucker Bounds actually released a campaign response to this. Do they just sit in the Straight Talk Express and get high while making campaign strategy?

  10. The tan line problem Paris faces is even more complex than the SWIM girl’s. Actually, I am stunned that I actually admire the trollop for the first time in my life.

  11. There’s a TON of things not to like about Miss Paris, but I kind of respect the fact that she hasn’t went out & bought her a new pair of boobies. Guess that means she can’t be Miss Buffalo Chip….

  12. Guys, Guys….c’mon. This is PARIS HILTON still, remember? She didn’t suddenly graduate college or anything, geez. I mean, an African Grey parrot can be trained to answer questions and dictate things too…

  13. [re=52691]El Bombastico[/re]: What can you about a campaign that in the space of 24 hours, has the candidate attend a motorcycle rally in which he jokes about his wife competing in some sort of topless/bottomless beauty contest and then finds itself in a tit-for-tat with Paris Hilton? You go, John McCain.

  14. I thought she did a fine job (as did the writers). She played it completely straight, which is the number one rule of comedy.

    And I like Funny Or Die.

  15. [re=52711]itgetter[/re]: According to Politico: McCain spokesman Tucker Bounds emails: “It sounds like Paris Hilton supports John McCain’s ‘all of the above’ approach to America’s energy crisis – including both alternatives and drilling. Paris Hilton might not be as big a celebrity as Barack Obama, but she obviously has a better energy plan.”

    Guess he’s okay with the fact she compares him to the Crypt Keeper

  16. [re=52698]The Incomparable Tiny Valdez[/re]: That was ambiguous. You’ve admired trollop Paris for the first time, or you admired trollop Ms American Apparel for the first time? (By the way, Ms American Apparel deserves credit for her “O hai!” expression, and the dark seam on her swimsuit that runs down to her crotch, just gently lifting her ladybits and carefully delineating her cameltoe. Well done her. Nice.)

    [re=52713]@ tsunami[/re]: [re=52702]Hominidx[/re]: [re=52695]Street Organizer[/re]: [re=52684]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: [re=52687]The Neoskeptic[/re]: I think she (Paris) deserves her kudos. Never thought I’d see the day. Good on her.

  17. [re=52699]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Here’s the thing: she’d never compete anyway – Miss Buffalo Chip is beneath Paris Hilton. Paris Hilton has more self-respect than Cindy McCain. And the saddest thing is, that isn’t even snark.

  18. [re=52718]Hooray For Anything[/re]: The Crypt Keeper always did an excellent job of reading from a teleprompter, so… compliment?

    I’m sort of pissed that he responded with humor and intelligence instead of a more “Get off my lawn!” approach.

  19. I kept waiting for the banana cream pie to fly out at her from off-screen (insert oral sex jokes here), or a 5 t weight to fall on her, or some hidden catapult to throw her into the water. I must say, I was left feeling let down.

  20. WOW! She is a fricken Genius. That Bitch has more balls
    Than mothball McCain and Cool Dude Obama! She has my vote![re=52664]ManchuCandidate[/re]:

  21. Did you notice she called them “Barack” and “McCain”? This is indicative, people. People *like* Obama. They want to be on first-name basis with him.

  22. People bothered by Paris’ introduction into the campaign don’t get the time-old political tit for tat: McCain compares Obama to an American embarrassment, a barely-literate would-be criminal, someone beyond saving on the quest to get the IQ above 90, who only got to where she is because of her dad’s money and connections. And Obama compares McCain to George W. Bush.

  23. Finally, a candidate richer than McCain, hotter than Hill, and more arrogant and elitest than even Barack is (allegedly).

    But the real question: will she overrun 1600 penn. ave. with those silly little dogs?

  24. Now that she’s dispensed with McCain, her next video takes aim at the fundies.

    She wants them to know she’s read the bible (while in jail), totally understands it and is printing her own version
    as Jesus revealed to her.

  25. This is the launch of a new career for Paris. I fully expect that she will be governor of California within 10 years (and she won’t even be in the top 10 of weird politicians from California).

  26. Um…so, is it wrong that I actually thought this was very clever? Is that possible? Could SHE be Obama’s VP – just a sucker punch to McNasty?

  27. That was funny. That was all. Thank you Paris for reaching out instead of reaching around. I mean shit give her some respect for firing back while also acknowledging how retarded she is. Amem.

  28. as an edumacator at a big land grant school, i can say with some certainty that your lack of awareness of funnyordie.com would indicate to my students that you were born 80 years ago in a home without plumbing and electricity, and that you currently get together once a week with McCain to pry the hard candy from your dentures with your croquet mallets while lamenting the demise of doo-wop and disco and the rise of hip-hop and fergie, whatever that is.

    my students send me links to funnyordie.com all the time, but i can’t send my students to wonkette, because of all the dirty words, and the letters that would inevitably be sent to my provost from the parents of the students regarding the intolerable blah blah blah.

    collegehumor.com is their other favorite for, um, college humor. user 239 is my personal fave. [ http://www.collegehumor.com/user:239 ] i don’t think he is an actual college student.

  29. okay, when paris and nicole wrote “anal salty weiners” on the the marquee at sonic, i thought i was gonna die, but this is also pretty funny.

    that is one, funny slut.

  30. [re=52758]professor.cj[/re]: I have a nagging suspicion, however, that the students are more of the LNSer type rather than the Wonketter type, given by my total ignorance before this evening of such a sight. I must agree with [re=52770]Sara[/re] and say that I read the URL Funny Ordie and think of something like an okie or some hick like that.

  31. “I like, totally feel that John McCain’s Iraq policy is SO STUPID… I hate it. He’s a total bitch. It’s like, obvious that the Iraqi government won’t reach political reconciliation when it comes to like, sectarian divides and that oil revenue sharing stuff until we totally do stuff to push them towards taking control of their own country. Whatever, the surge was only, like, one component of the reduction of sectarian violence, duh. It was all like, in conjunction with the Sunni awakening and that Sadr guy’s decision to stand his militia down and stuff.

    Militias are hot… “

  32. That’s it, I’m in love with a herpetic slut.

    Key moment: “I’ll see you at the debate bitches.” The look on her face just makes me want to break her jaw out of love.

  33. Once American political campaigns respond to celebrity mock-advertisements we’ve all crossed some sort of terminal shock point from which we can sadly never return. It’s a brave new world folks.

  34. OK, so not only can she read a prepared script that’s handed to her (by whom?), but when faced with a decision between A and B, just like George Bush deciding between cutting taxes and increasing spending, she’ll choose both, call it a “compromise,” and use it to appeal to the largest audience.

    Yeah, she’s got a future in politics.

    Is this a sign that politicians can’t hire good writers, or that good writers refuse to work in politics?

  35. I counted. She can pronounce words with more than two syllables.
    Tabernac! Incroyable! Un miracle!!

    I think I saw Jesus’s face in her swimsuit, btw. Al Franken saw the Texas Panhandle…

  36. I don’t know. That foxy, self-absorbed face, that rather curveless body. It would be too much like boinking Virginia Woolf. However, I’m glad someone alerted her to the fact that McDiapers was dragging what’s left of her good name through the mud. As for the oil-drilling plan, if she added Obama’s so-called caving in to it–protecting the coast of Oregon and California from oil exploration–than I’ll give her more props. (I’m sure what she really needs in life is props from me.)

  37. let’s face it, Paris (and Brittany for that matter) is an entertainer with a routine that brings in millions of dollars. What were you doing at her age? If McCain wants a no-talent young woman to exploit, maybe he can use his own daughter Mehgan in his next ad.

  38. Paris Hilton for President. Why the hell not? She couldn’t fuck this country up any more then shrub and his evil trolls have for the last 8 years. But only if she picks Chelsea Clinton for Sec of State.

  39. I didn’t think it was that funny, I guess I’m just not ready to not hate Paris Hilton yet. Btw, you were being sarcastic about never having heard of Funny or Die, right?

  40. Ok. Every time anyone says “totally hot” I ….

    Excuse me, I just projectile vomited.

    However: “I see you at the debates, bitches.” – best line. Makes the video. Hope she shows up to a few McCain town halls an challenges him there too.

  41. [re=52764]Serolf Divad[/re]: Me? I’m waiting for the Incredible Hulk McCain Girl to bust out of her thongs and wet t-shirt and beat Paris’ ass.

  42. She ought to be careful calling him a wrinkly, white-haired guy. Remember Paris, he’s already robbed one blonde trollop-cunt of the best years of her life with his Nosferatu-like magnetism, he might be looking for another. And you can’t hold this likker …….one of his ears might fall off in your hands.

  43. On one hand Ms Hilton shows again she is whtie trash with money – but hell, he’s also white trash with a sense of humor – Paris FTW! (shit – did i just say that?)

    I wouldnt go so far as to credit her with intilligence though – she still just reads off of cue cards – written no doubt in LARGE CAPITAL LETTERS, with a pink sharpie marker :)

  44. Good for Paris Hilton! This is the best thing she’s done yet. Good for her. Life would be more fun if she was the president–of the Beverly Hills Pool Inspection Committee.

  45. Ahahaha, the AP headline is ‘Paris Hilton issues tart rebuttal to McCain ad’, which famously uses ‘Paris Hilton’, ‘tart’, and ‘rebuttle’ in the same sentence.

    Bwahahahaaargh.

  46. Kudos to Paris for showing some real cojones! At least her dis of McDouchebag carries way more meaning that that skank Heidi Montag’s endorsement of him. And seriously, who hasn’t heard of Funny Or Die? Will Ferrell’s shit is effing funny! But then, I smoke a lot of weed and think Judd Apatow’s movies are funny too.

  47. I love that she referred to WALNUTS! as “wrinkly old white hair dude.” Since he called Cougar Cindy a c**t for a far lesser infraction, I can only imagine his private response to this Cougar in Training.

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