attack ads

Well How About That, It’s That Paris Hilton Gal

Oh that wacky Paris Hilton, seizing on the moment. Here she is wearing a creepy swimming gown and responding to John McCain’s dumb ad about her in an internet video from some comedy website we’ve never heard of. Top story on Drudge? Mission accomplished, obviously. [Funny Or Die]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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  • ManchuCandidate

    It was about 30 seconds too long. Like an SNL skit.

  • NotUrEvryDayWEzl

    That’s hot.

    Amazing how this one ad beats the panties off everything those cunts have made over at McCain HQ

  • El Bombastico

    Meh. Not as politically insightful as that landlord baby.

  • hrhkingfriday

    I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

  • soytrucknutz

    Where does her skin end and her bathing suit begin?

  • DoctorCulturae

    Moral of the story: Don’t mess around with real attention whores.

    Shockingly, I now respect Ms. Paree, and yes, because she could read the info off the card and make sense she is…hot.

  • Mahousu

    The site name makes it too easy. But I’m just trying to end the underline.

  • Mahousu

    [re=52671]soytrucknutz[/re]: The promised land.

  • AxmxZ

    Heh. That’s totally Barack’s energy policy, now that he decided to cave on the offshore drilling.

  • loudmouthredhead

    Of course, having the nation’s largest vagina be representing us abroad could bring more nations under our sway, so that might not be such a bad idea….actually, that’s hot.

    Why does her voice still sound like she’s 12?

  • wheelie

    This is rather brilliant. I love it.

  • loudmouthredhead

    [re=52671]soytrucknutz[/re]: I think it was glued on by court-order, after she blinded a few folks with that whole “I’m gonna get outta the car with no hoochie covering on” incident.

  • Delicious

    I’ve seen her in person. Swoon. She can do no wrong. She can run over anybody, suck a thousand cocks, but she always have a place in my heart.

    And remember, she’s not from the “olden days” like that “wrinkly, white-haired guy.” Wheee.

  • Hooray For Anything

    I’m a little conflicted about this. On the one hand, Paris represents the decline and fall of Western Civilization. On the other hand, she pwned him.

  • loudmouthredhead

    [re=52677]AxmxZ[/re]: Like, totally? But this policy is hotter, like, duh.

  • Texan Bulldoggette

    [re=52679]wheelie[/re]: Me too. (And that’s kind of embarrassing to say out loud.) At least she can read the teleprompter better than McOld. She doesn’t say “th-th-th-a-a-t-s no-o-o-t h-h-h-o-o-t-t”.

  • loudmouthredhead

    [re=52682]Hooray For Anything[/re]: Kinda makes your head explode, right? That, or it shows you that even Paris Hilton can make more sensible government policy than republicans. I think the latter is more valid.

  • The Neoskeptic

    wait, is Paris not a total idiot all of the sudden?

  • tsunami

    ten thumbs up.

    paris…we hardly knew ye.

  • NotUrEvryDayWEzl

    [re=52687]The Neoskeptic[/re]: This could be her reinventing herself, like Madonna.

  • BigDupa

    Perhaps we could somehow harness the wrist action of dudes beating off to future Paris sex tapes– some sort of Gilligan’s Island style turbines? That’s change we can believe in.

  • El Bombastico

    The stupidest part of this whole thing is that Tucker Bounds actually released a campaign response to this. Do they just sit in the Straight Talk Express and get high while making campaign strategy?

  • WikipediaBrown

    Wow! I guess for the second time this week the Chicago Sun Times will be able to report someone has a brain.

  • Street Organizer

    5 Whore Diamonds for Paris

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …ehhhhh, kinda sorta funny. The second time I watched it I paused it 24 seconds threw for male purposes.

  • The Incomparable Tiny Valdez

    The tan line problem Paris faces is even more complex than the SWIM girl’s. Actually, I am stunned that I actually admire the trollop for the first time in my life.

  • Texan Bulldoggette

    There’s a TON of things not to like about Miss Paris, but I kind of respect the fact that she hasn’t went out & bought her a new pair of boobies. Guess that means she can’t be Miss Buffalo Chip….

  • loudmouthredhead

    Is there going to be a “nightvision green” version? That would be H-A-W-T

  • SayItWithWookies

    Where did she learn to read — in prison?

  • Hominidx

    This is the funniest, smartest and most attractive she’s ever been.

  • loudmouthredhead

    Guys, Guys….c’mon. This is PARIS HILTON still, remember? She didn’t suddenly graduate college or anything, geez. I mean, an African Grey parrot can be trained to answer questions and dictate things too…

  • Hooray For Anything

    [re=52691]El Bombastico[/re]: What can you about a campaign that in the space of 24 hours, has the candidate attend a motorcycle rally in which he jokes about his wife competing in some sort of topless/bottomless beauty contest and then finds itself in a tit-for-tat with Paris Hilton? You go, John McCain.

  • Delicious

    [re=52691]El Bombastico[/re]: Yes.

  • Canmon (the Inadequate)

    I have to agree with her on this. Comparing Obama to Paris Hilton is offensive, to Paris Hilton.

  • The Incomparable Tiny Valdez

    I love Paris in the summer when it sizzles…

  • itgetter

    [re=52691]El Bombastico[/re]: Oooh, what did he say?

  • tsunami

    [re=52703]loudmouthredhead[/re]:

    i’m really surprised at you, lmrh. you’re always superfunny/snarky, but…

    give paree her props.

  • hamletta

    I thought she did a fine job (as did the writers). She played it completely straight, which is the number one rule of comedy.

    And I like Funny Or Die.

  • somelegalbitch

    That girl has one hell of a sense of humor.

  • Hooray For Anything

    [re=52711]itgetter[/re]: According to Politico: McCain spokesman Tucker Bounds emails: “It sounds like Paris Hilton supports John McCain’s ‘all of the above’ approach to America’s energy crisis – including both alternatives and drilling. Paris Hilton might not be as big a celebrity as Barack Obama, but she obviously has a better energy plan.”

    Guess he’s okay with the fact she compares him to the Crypt Keeper

  • nyhfrog

    Fuck! I like Paris Hilton now. I’m one lost dude.

  • wheelie

    [re=52698]The Incomparable Tiny Valdez[/re]: That was ambiguous. You’ve admired trollop Paris for the first time, or you admired trollop Ms American Apparel for the first time? (By the way, Ms American Apparel deserves credit for her “O hai!” expression, and the dark seam on her swimsuit that runs down to her crotch, just gently lifting her ladybits and carefully delineating her cameltoe. Well done her. Nice.)

    [re=52713]@ tsunami[/re]: [re=52702]Hominidx[/re]: [re=52695]Street Organizer[/re]: [re=52684]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: [re=52687]The Neoskeptic[/re]: I think she (Paris) deserves her kudos. Never thought I’d see the day. Good on her.

  • Mahousu

    [re=52699]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Here’s the thing: she’d never compete anyway – Miss Buffalo Chip is beneath Paris Hilton. Paris Hilton has more self-respect than Cindy McCain. And the saddest thing is, that isn’t even snark.

  • Sabre_Justice

    Pwned by Paris Hilton?!

    Mccain and his campaign are officially dead, they just don’t know it yet.

  • itgetter

    [re=52718]Hooray For Anything[/re]: The Crypt Keeper always did an excellent job of reading from a teleprompter, so… compliment?

    I’m sort of pissed that he responded with humor and intelligence instead of a more “Get off my lawn!” approach.

  • MargeSimpsonsBlackFriend

    I’m confused. This whole thing actually makes sense. SMH!

  • Guppy06

    I kept waiting for the banana cream pie to fly out at her from off-screen (insert oral sex jokes here), or a 5 t weight to fall on her, or some hidden catapult to throw her into the water. I must say, I was left feeling let down.

  • jagorev

    This was truly awesome. I hope they give Paris Hilton a keynote in Denver..

  • meemers

    WOW! She is a fricken Genius. That Bitch has more balls
    Than mothball McCain and Cool Dude Obama! She has my vote!

  • meemers

    WOW! She is a fricken Genius. That Bitch has more balls
    Than mothball McCain and Cool Dude Obama! She has my vote![re=52664]ManchuCandidate[/re]:

  • TGY

    BwahAhaHAhaHAHaaaa

  • AxmxZ

    Did you notice she called them “Barack” and “McCain”? This is indicative, people. People *like* Obama. They want to be on first-name basis with him.

  • ReverendGreen

    People bothered by Paris’ introduction into the campaign don’t get the time-old political tit for tat: McCain compares Obama to an American embarrassment, a barely-literate would-be criminal, someone beyond saving on the quest to get the IQ above 90, who only got to where she is because of her dad’s money and connections. And Obama compares McCain to George W. Bush.

  • Guppy06

    [re=52733]meemers[/re]: I loved her, she’s much better than Cats. I’m going to vote for her again and again.

  • pickleandcake

    Finally, a candidate richer than McCain, hotter than Hill, and more arrogant and elitest than even Barack is (allegedly).

    But the real question: will she overrun 1600 penn. ave. with those silly little dogs?

  • WhatTheHeck

    Now that she’s dispensed with McCain, her next video takes aim at the fundies.

    She wants them to know she’s read the bible (while in jail), totally understands it and is printing her own version
    as Jesus revealed to her.

  • jagorev

    This is the launch of a new career for Paris. I fully expect that she will be governor of California within 10 years (and she won’t even be in the top 10 of weird politicians from California).

  • CivicHoliday

    Um…so, is it wrong that I actually thought this was very clever? Is that possible? Could SHE be Obama’s VP – just a sucker punch to McNasty?

  • shortsshortsshorts

    That was funny. That was all. Thank you Paris for reaching out instead of reaching around. I mean shit give her some respect for firing back while also acknowledging how retarded she is. Amem.

  • ReverendGreen

    How many more videos of Paris mocking McCain will it take for him to call her a cunt?

  • professor.cj

    as an edumacator at a big land grant school, i can say with some certainty that your lack of awareness of funnyordie.com would indicate to my students that you were born 80 years ago in a home without plumbing and electricity, and that you currently get together once a week with McCain to pry the hard candy from your dentures with your croquet mallets while lamenting the demise of doo-wop and disco and the rise of hip-hop and fergie, whatever that is.

    my students send me links to funnyordie.com all the time, but i can’t send my students to wonkette, because of all the dirty words, and the letters that would inevitably be sent to my provost from the parents of the students regarding the intolerable blah blah blah.

    collegehumor.com is their other favorite for, um, college humor. user 239 is my personal fave. [ http://www.collegehumor.com/user:239 ] i don’t think he is an actual college student.

  • AnnieGetYourFun

    [re=52707]Canmon (the Inadequate)[/re]: Ha! That made no sense at all.

    [re=52750]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: TOTES. She done good.

  • Perot le fou

    No one has yet to comment that the site is called “Funny or Die” and it isn’t funny, thus leaving only one conclusion. Too obvious?

  • Pop Socket

    I smell running mate. Or skank. They’re pretty similar.

  • Serolf Divad

    Meh… I’m holing out for the Paris/McCain sex tape… which you know is coming.

  • FunkyPalmettoBug

    [re=52752]ReverendGreen[/re]: How many more videos will she have to make before McCain figures out that she isn’t his daughter.

  • AnnieGetYourFun

    [re=52762]Perot le fou[/re]: You clicked through? Sucka.

  • lawrenceofthedesert

    Who names their daughter Paris? That’s a boy’s name.

  • Sara K. Smith

    [re=52758]professor.cj[/re]: This is how old I am: when I read that URL, I think, “Funny Ordy.”

  • AxmxZ

    [re=52769]lawrenceofthedesert[/re]: Only if you actually, you know, read and shit. Colloquially, it’s been feminized through Paris La Belle.

  • evolutionista

    okay, when paris and nicole wrote “anal salty weiners” on the the marquee at sonic, i thought i was gonna die, but this is also pretty funny.

    that is one, funny slut.

  • columnv

    [re=52682]Hooray For Anything[/re]: point taken.

  • NotUrEvryDayWEzl

    [re=52758]professor.cj[/re]: I have a nagging suspicion, however, that the students are more of the LNSer type rather than the Wonketter type, given by my total ignorance before this evening of such a sight. I must agree with [re=52770]Sara[/re] and say that I read the URL Funny Ordie and think of something like an okie or some hick like that.

  • denver_80203

    McCain has been bitch slapped by Paris Hilton. I hope she keeps it up.. she certainly has more money than the wrinkly old white dude

  • Paradise

    I WILL TAKE “DIE” PLEASE.

    seriously: you can kill me or you can kill her; i don’t give a shit.

  • melving

    When was beer served in a bucket?

  • obfuscator

    “I like, totally feel that John McCain’s Iraq policy is SO STUPID… I hate it. He’s a total bitch. It’s like, obvious that the Iraqi government won’t reach political reconciliation when it comes to like, sectarian divides and that oil revenue sharing stuff until we totally do stuff to push them towards taking control of their own country. Whatever, the surge was only, like, one component of the reduction of sectarian violence, duh. It was all like, in conjunction with the Sunni awakening and that Sadr guy’s decision to stand his militia down and stuff.

    Militias are hot… “

  • Mr Blifil

    I think I smell tuna.

  • gurukalehuru

    meh…

  • CalamityJames

    That’s it, I’m in love with a herpetic slut.

    Key moment: “I’ll see you at the debate bitches.” The look on her face just makes me want to break her jaw out of love.

  • Spiro Agnew

    Once American political campaigns respond to celebrity mock-advertisements we’ve all crossed some sort of terminal shock point from which we can sadly never return. It’s a brave new world folks.

  • jerryw

    Dear Paris,
    My only qualification to be your vice president is that I can breathe through my ears, will that work for you?

    Tap twice on my forehead for a yes vote.

    Peace out,

    Jerry w
    http://boskolives.wordpress.com/

  • Guppy06

    OK, so not only can she read a prepared script that’s handed to her (by whom?), but when faced with a decision between A and B, just like George Bush deciding between cutting taxes and increasing spending, she’ll choose both, call it a “compromise,” and use it to appeal to the largest audience.

    Yeah, she’s got a future in politics.

    Is this a sign that politicians can’t hire good writers, or that good writers refuse to work in politics?

  • Wagamuffin

    I counted. She can pronounce words with more than two syllables.
    Tabernac! Incroyable! Un miracle!!

    I think I saw Jesus’s face in her swimsuit, btw. Al Franken saw the Texas Panhandle…

  • irisheyes

    This was actually pretty funny. And her energy plan is more comprehensive than Walnuts. Hmmmm

  • shortsshortsshorts

    [re=52814]irisheyes[/re]: Or the celebrity guy.

  • dilhavarti

    [re=52758]professor.cj[/re]: CJ? That you?

    FOD, me likey, bitches.

    New Slogan is…

    “Elevating Cock Dialogue.”

  • Scooter

    So one attention-slut kicks another attention-slut in the walnuts? Survival of the hottest, sez me.

  • grobby22

    Funny, I now feel a strange urge to want to make love to her. Please someone, anyone tell me I am still okay.

  • Makeithurt

    Thank fucking god that someone is making sense even if it’s a vapid little twat.

  • regisgoat

    I don’t know. That foxy, self-absorbed face, that rather curveless body. It would be too much like boinking Virginia Woolf. However, I’m glad someone alerted her to the fact that McDiapers was dragging what’s left of her good name through the mud. As for the oil-drilling plan, if she added Obama’s so-called caving in to it–protecting the coast of Oregon and California from oil exploration–than I’ll give her more props. (I’m sure what she really needs in life is props from me.)

  • Godless Liberal *

    John McCain should just fucking give up now, according to this CNN poll:

    http://img141.imageshack.us/img141/4641/voteparisyc8.gif

  • bunnyhead

    let’s face it, Paris (and Brittany for that matter) is an entertainer with a routine that brings in millions of dollars. What were you doing at her age? If McCain wants a no-talent young woman to exploit, maybe he can use his own daughter Mehgan in his next ad.

  • disgustedcitizen

    Paris Hilton for President. Why the hell not? She couldn’t fuck this country up any more then shrub and his evil trolls have for the last 8 years. But only if she picks Chelsea Clinton for Sec of State.

  • FilmDrunk

    I didn’t think it was that funny, I guess I’m just not ready to not hate Paris Hilton yet. Btw, you were being sarcastic about never having heard of Funny or Die, right?

  • Volumptuous

    Am I the only one who sees gold, shimmering light coming out of her vagina?

  • dearest

    Paris just nailed him. How bad you have to be to have Paris Hilton nailing you?

  • TGY

    [re=52843]Volumptuous[/re]: El Dorado Vagino.

  • TGY

    [re=52853]dearest[/re]: It’s like a duel of wits between unarmed opponents. :p

  • WIDTAP

    Ok. Every time anyone says “totally hot” I ….

    Excuse me, I just projectile vomited.

    However: “I see you at the debates, bitches.” – best line. Makes the video. Hope she shows up to a few McCain town halls an challenges him there too.

  • kudzu

    [re=52678]loudmouthredhead[/re]: Because deep inside she is twelve.

  • imatter

    Those plastic pool lounge chairs are not hot.

  • Street Organizer

    [re=52764]Serolf Divad[/re]: Me? I’m waiting for the Incredible Hulk McCain Girl to bust out of her thongs and wet t-shirt and beat Paris’ ass.

  • Gopherit v2.0

    She ought to be careful calling him a wrinkly, white-haired guy. Remember Paris, he’s already robbed one blonde trollop-cunt of the best years of her life with his Nosferatu-like magnetism, he might be looking for another. And you can’t hold this likker …….one of his ears might fall off in your hands.

  • scottypants

    On one hand Ms Hilton shows again she is whtie trash with money – but hell, he’s also white trash with a sense of humor – Paris FTW! (shit – did i just say that?)

    I wouldnt go so far as to credit her with intilligence though – she still just reads off of cue cards – written no doubt in LARGE CAPITAL LETTERS, with a pink sharpie marker :)

  • thefrontpage

    Good for Paris Hilton! This is the best thing she’s done yet. Good for her. Life would be more fun if she was the president–of the Beverly Hills Pool Inspection Committee.

  • nietzscheprojectile

    I think we’ve found our new energy czar…

  • sanantonerose

    Animal print keyhole bathing suits, gold pumps, and bleach blond hair: what American politics always has been and always will be.

  • BadNewsJack

    I still want her to die a horrible painful death.

  • lumpenprole

    That was too long, but now I’m totally infatuated with her.

  • Vewol Mevemont

    Not bad, Paris. Not bad. Call me!

  • TGY

    Ahahaha, the AP headline is ‘Paris Hilton issues tart rebuttal to McCain ad’, which famously uses ‘Paris Hilton’, ‘tart’, and ‘rebuttle’ in the same sentence.

    Bwahahahaaargh.

  • Rusty Shackleford

    Kudos to Paris for showing some real cojones! At least her dis of McDouchebag carries way more meaning that that skank Heidi Montag’s endorsement of him. And seriously, who hasn’t heard of Funny Or Die? Will Ferrell’s shit is effing funny! But then, I smoke a lot of weed and think Judd Apatow’s movies are funny too.

  • donner_froh

    [re=53003]sanantonerose[/re]: If more hot young women wore pumps with their bathing suits it would make America stronger.

  • glamourdammerung

    [re=52703]loudmouthredhead[/re]: Yes, but McCain still has not managed to pull that trick off.

  • wallythepug

    I love that she referred to WALNUTS! as “wrinkly old white hair dude.” Since he called Cougar Cindy a c**t for a far lesser infraction, I can only imagine his private response to this Cougar in Training.

  • Dissento

    I wonder if her parents have asked for their donations back?