OFFBEAT HEROES  12:33 pm August 5, 2008

New McCain Ad Stars The Elephant Man

by Sara K. Smith

Who will save us now?Good god, what is that…thing? It’s your hopelessly deformed John McCain, cursed by elephantiasis of the Truck Nutz, but he will bravely save America with his Original Maverickness.

Clearly, somebody at McCain headquarters is reading your Wonkette, because we can think of no other reason they would cast a tiny, arthritic old grumpus as some sort of comic book superhero called “The Original Maverick” who flies around Washington (read: Gotham) in his Straight Talk Airplane (Batmobile?) knockin’ skulls (saving people from evil clowns).

Basically, everybody will vote for John McCain because they don’t want to wait two years for the next Batman movie.

Broken [YouTube]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 53 comments }

JamesMichaelCurley August 5, 2008 at 12:38 pm

Many will vote for McCain because if he is elected they don’t want to wait four years for a new President.

Ken Layne August 5, 2008 at 12:39 pm

Damn you, Sara. You made that sound so weird and exciting that I actually watched it — and it’s just another shitty McCain commercial pretending he hasn’t lived in Washington since it was founded in 1791.

Kos August 5, 2008 at 12:40 pm

Why aren’t the Dems putting together an ad titled “The Maverick You Knew Died in 2000″ or something similar and show how McCain’s actions over the past 8 years are worse than Bush. Not “like” Bush, but worse than Bush. Wipe off the Maverick nostalgia already.

Or is saying the Maverick died 8 years ago ageism?

ManchuCandidate August 5, 2008 at 12:41 pm

McCain ’08: “Why so serious?”

loudmouthredhead August 5, 2008 at 12:42 pm

Before Che, Before Lenin…Hell even Before Christ Hisself, there was…The Original Maverick: WALNUTS!

Fought big oil? They left out something:
Fought FOR big oil (like Alaska needs a preserve? pssshaw! Hippie crap!)

Terry August 5, 2008 at 12:43 pm

The original Maverick?

Mr, McCain, this is a Maverick:

http://thiseclecticlife.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/10/james-garner.jpg

You, sir, are no maverick.

loudmouthredhead August 5, 2008 at 12:45 pm

[re=52043]Ken Layne[/re]: I think he’s claiming he was the one that actually taught the natives how to grow maize and hunt, before they then showed those pesky pilgrims how to do it.

That or he was an early pioneer of trapping beaver for their glorious pub- er, pelts.

The Incomparable Tiny Valdez August 5, 2008 at 12:45 pm

Can’t they just pack this old coot off to Florida already? There’s a shuffleboard court in Delray Beach with his name on it.

ManchuCandidate August 5, 2008 at 12:48 pm

[re=52048]Terry[/re]:
I’m guessing the Repubs want to believe this version is closer to their vision.

http://www.geocities.com/amie_07/TomCruise/Maverick07.jpg

loudmouthredhead August 5, 2008 at 12:50 pm

[re=52055]ManchuCandidate[/re]: That’s the “Log Cabin” GOP maverick
“You can be my wingman anytime.”

Too Lazy To Sign In August 5, 2008 at 12:52 pm

You know you are in trouble when you are the candidate for the incumbent party and you are running on a reform platform.

TGY August 5, 2008 at 12:52 pm

the next Batman movie

It’s anyone’s guess what’s in his ‘utility belt’. A divot tool is only one ‘device’ among many, I’m sure.

4tehlulz August 5, 2008 at 12:52 pm

What’s the problem? Everyone already knew that WALNUTS was two-faced.

S.Luggo August 5, 2008 at 12:53 pm

[re=52048]Terry[/re]: The original? Nope. This is: http://www.eatingpa.com/media/mavlogo.gif
And it has an Early Bird special.

AngryBlakGuy August 5, 2008 at 12:55 pm

…I cant wait to see that AD in HiDef! Pass the barf bag pleez!

4tehlulz August 5, 2008 at 12:55 pm

McCain is having trouble connecting with the base, so I think his next commercial should have footage of him pimping his wife in Sturgis.

MoodProcessor August 5, 2008 at 12:55 pm

John “Senator McSqinty” McCain ’08 – “Ask uss no questionss, and we tellss you no liess.”

p.s. “And that meanss you, librul media.”

loudmouthredhead August 5, 2008 at 12:55 pm

[re=52059]TGY[/re]: Why does he need a utility belt when he’s already the world’s biggest tool?
Oh yeah…I went there…didja see that?

V572625694 August 5, 2008 at 12:55 pm

[re=52048]Terry[/re]: Or this guy, who usta be maverick too:

http://www.duvekot.ca/eliane/archives/Yeltsin.jpg

…if anyone remembers. I thought it was part of his official title.

loudmouthredhead August 5, 2008 at 12:58 pm

[re=52066]V572625694[/re]: I remember that one! That’s right as they were lighting his monster vodka-powered fart, right? *sigh* memories…

S.Luggo August 5, 2008 at 12:59 pm

[re=52059]TGY[/re]: The belt includes one of those inflatable donut things that the oldsters like to use.
[re=52055]ManchuCandidate[/re]: By your photo, are you suggesting that McAged … you know … like plays for the other team or that he worships that e-meter gizmachee? Clarify.

Squiggyfm August 5, 2008 at 12:59 pm

“We’re worse off than 4 years ago”?

Really? Is McCain planning to win in a landslide against Bush?

Darehead August 5, 2008 at 1:00 pm

Is this the missing Whitey tape?

MoodProcessor August 5, 2008 at 1:02 pm

[re=52063]4tehlulz[/re]:

McCain ’08 “Titties n’ Beer. For America.”

NoWireHangers August 5, 2008 at 1:04 pm

Is this the video the meat industry doesn’t want me to see?

MoodProcessor August 5, 2008 at 1:06 pm

[re=52073]Squiggyfm[/re]:

I guess we gotta admit there is great truth in that video…

I mean, except for the John McCain part.

Terry August 5, 2008 at 1:06 pm

[re=52055]ManchuCandidate[/re]:

Excepting, of course, that the more modern Maverick is in a cult and seems a bit confused about his sexuality. Wait, you’re right, that makes him exactly Republican material.

Josh Fruhlinger August 5, 2008 at 1:10 pm

[re=52073]Squiggyfm[/re]: Even better, the implication is that Bush’s first term was great. It’s only in the last four years that he’s lost his way.

ManchuCandidate August 5, 2008 at 1:11 pm

[re=52072]S.Luggo[/re]:
A little from Column A and a little from Column B.

Nah, just making light of the Repubs fondness for man crushing on cartoon heroes with a crazee streak.

TGY August 5, 2008 at 1:11 pm

Also, ‘Original Maverick’ or ‘Extra-Crispy Maverick’? Though come to think of it, WALNUTS are most commonly found in a Waldwarf salad or somesuch.

bago August 5, 2008 at 1:13 pm

Slightly OT, but I have the perfect response to the “Obama Energy Plan” tire pressure gauges.

At a media event, someone should present the Straight Talk Express a Golden Drag Chute, embroidered with the names of the Oil Company CEOs who have donated to McCain, and have contributed to his plan.

It’s nice symbolism, and will allow for the whole story to be flipped around, and the late night comics won’t get enough of the fact that a drag chute is designed to retard that which it is attached to.

4tehlulz August 5, 2008 at 1:13 pm

[re=52078]MoodProcessor[/re]: McCain: “A Trollop in Every Pot, and Pot in Every Trollop”

bago August 5, 2008 at 1:14 pm

Oh, and you could give the drag chute some trucknutz, so nobody will be confused about the bus in drag.

ainm cleite August 5, 2008 at 1:15 pm

Will Burroughs came back to help Trucknutz take the win – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yTtJOXNXaa4

lumpenprole August 5, 2008 at 1:16 pm

I’ll never forgive Maverick for the death of Goose. He was out there trying to prove something.

tsunami August 5, 2008 at 1:18 pm

sorry, james garner is the original maverick.

shortsshortsshorts August 5, 2008 at 1:19 pm

I have never gotten over his little dinosaur arms and his ability to swing them around without purpose, but with tons of conviction. This is because as he was born a T-Rex (the most maverick of all the dinosaurs) he has shapeshifted to meet the needs of a modernized constituency.

BlackEuro.Observer August 5, 2008 at 1:20 pm

Why don’t we get a post about the “maverick” being greeted by 50.000 Harley’s at the Sturgis event?
The pics of the event are considered NSFW, so I guess that’s the reason why.
Drudge has it screaming from his HTML homepage.

MoodProcessor August 5, 2008 at 1:21 pm

[re=52095]bago[/re]: Dragnutz!

Monkey August 5, 2008 at 1:23 pm

This must be the slowest news day ever.

bago August 5, 2008 at 1:24 pm

[re=52078]MoodProcessor[/re]: Surely you meant American Titties ‘n beer. For America.

Too bad that trollop had to cock up the beer bit though.

Monsieur Grumpe August 5, 2008 at 1:25 pm

[re=52063]4tehlulz[/re]:
Oh great. Now I have this mental image of John McCain on a Harley with Cindy on the back riding topless with her tits flapping in the breeze.

sezme August 5, 2008 at 1:27 pm

Washington is broken? Shit, I wonder who broke it. Pelosi, I’m lookin’ at you!

bago August 5, 2008 at 1:30 pm

[re=52103]MoodProcessor[/re]: McCain 2008: DragNutz you can believe in!

shortsshortsshorts August 5, 2008 at 1:31 pm
Babe Vigoda August 5, 2008 at 1:31 pm

why don’t they skip the ‘maverick’ part and just go with the truth, “the original human- from john mccain’s jawbone sprung all of humanity.”

bago August 5, 2008 at 1:33 pm

Actually, the straight talk express carrying two golden drag chutes (Collectively referred to as the Golden DragNutz) would look like a giant cock and balls when viewed from above.

schvitzatura August 5, 2008 at 1:46 pm

If the gas pump meters only turned as slowly in analog as they did back in the nineteen aughts of McCain’s dotage…

schvitzatura August 5, 2008 at 1:51 pm

Washington is broken…the sickly-sounding gavel of the 110th Congress only sounds twice…

trophy(forparticipation)wife August 5, 2008 at 1:52 pm

[re=52101]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: You can actually see this shapeshift occur at 0:14 and 0:16, unless it’s just that his head is translucent.

Mediahohoho August 5, 2008 at 2:53 pm

Ha ha. That’s some funny shit. Washinton’s broken, we’re worse off than we were 4 years ago, and John McCain’s been there through it all.

weirdiowasculpture August 5, 2008 at 2:58 pm

[re=52060]4tehlulz[/re]: Come now. If he was really two-faced, why would he be wearing that one?

bago August 5, 2008 at 3:16 pm

Alright! So I put together a picture of what I had in mind.

DRAGNUTZ4WALNUTS!

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