offbeat heroes

New McCain Ad Stars The Elephant Man

Who will save us now?Good god, what is that…thing? It’s your hopelessly deformed John McCain, cursed by elephantiasis of the Truck Nutz, but he will bravely save America with his Original Maverickness.

Clearly, somebody at McCain headquarters is reading your Wonkette, because we can think of no other reason they would cast a tiny, arthritic old grumpus as some sort of comic book superhero called “The Original Maverick” who flies around Washington (read: Gotham) in his Straight Talk Airplane (Batmobile?) knockin’ skulls (saving people from evil clowns).

Basically, everybody will vote for John McCain because they don’t want to wait two years for the next Batman movie.

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About the author

Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

View all articles by Sara K. Smith

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53 comments

  1. JamesMichaelCurley

    Many will vote for McCain because if he is elected they don’t want to wait four years for a new President.

  2. Ken Layne

    Damn you, Sara. You made that sound so weird and exciting that I actually watched it — and it’s just another shitty McCain commercial pretending he hasn’t lived in Washington since it was founded in 1791.

  3. Kos

    Why aren’t the Dems putting together an ad titled “The Maverick You Knew Died in 2000″ or something similar and show how McCain’s actions over the past 8 years are worse than Bush. Not “like” Bush, but worse than Bush. Wipe off the Maverick nostalgia already.

    Or is saying the Maverick died 8 years ago ageism?

  4. loudmouthredhead

    Before Che, Before Lenin…Hell even Before Christ Hisself, there was…The Original Maverick: WALNUTS!

    Fought big oil? They left out something:
    Fought FOR big oil (like Alaska needs a preserve? pssshaw! Hippie crap!)

  5. loudmouthredhead

    [re=52043]Ken Layne[/re]: I think he’s claiming he was the one that actually taught the natives how to grow maize and hunt, before they then showed those pesky pilgrims how to do it.

    That or he was an early pioneer of trapping beaver for their glorious pub- er, pelts.

  6. The Incomparable Tiny Valdez

    Can’t they just pack this old coot off to Florida already? There’s a shuffleboard court in Delray Beach with his name on it.

  7. loudmouthredhead

    [re=52055]ManchuCandidate[/re]: That’s the “Log Cabin” GOP maverick
    “You can be my wingman anytime.”

  8. Too Lazy To Sign In

    You know you are in trouble when you are the candidate for the incumbent party and you are running on a reform platform.

  9. TGY

    the next Batman movie

    It’s anyone’s guess what’s in his ‘utility belt’. A divot tool is only one ‘device’ among many, I’m sure.

  10. MoodProcessor

    John “Senator McSqinty” McCain ’08 – “Ask uss no questionss, and we tellss you no liess.”

    p.s. “And that meanss you, librul media.”

  11. loudmouthredhead

    [re=52059]TGY[/re]: Why does he need a utility belt when he’s already the world’s biggest tool?
    Oh yeah…I went there…didja see that?

  12. loudmouthredhead

    [re=52066]V572625694[/re]: I remember that one! That’s right as they were lighting his monster vodka-powered fart, right? *sigh* memories…

  13. S.Luggo

    [re=52059]TGY[/re]: The belt includes one of those inflatable donut things that the oldsters like to use.
    [re=52055]ManchuCandidate[/re]: By your photo, are you suggesting that McAged … you know … like plays for the other team or that he worships that e-meter gizmachee? Clarify.

  14. Squiggyfm

    “We’re worse off than 4 years ago”?

    Really? Is McCain planning to win in a landslide against Bush?

  15. MoodProcessor

    [re=52073]Squiggyfm[/re]:

    I guess we gotta admit there is great truth in that video…

    I mean, except for the John McCain part.

  16. Terry

    [re=52055]ManchuCandidate[/re]:

    Excepting, of course, that the more modern Maverick is in a cult and seems a bit confused about his sexuality. Wait, you’re right, that makes him exactly Republican material.

  17. ManchuCandidate

    [re=52072]S.Luggo[/re]:
    A little from Column A and a little from Column B.

    Nah, just making light of the Repubs fondness for man crushing on cartoon heroes with a crazee streak.

  18. TGY

    Also, ‘Original Maverick’ or ‘Extra-Crispy Maverick’? Though come to think of it, WALNUTS are most commonly found in a Waldwarf salad or somesuch.

  19. bago

    Slightly OT, but I have the perfect response to the “Obama Energy Plan” tire pressure gauges.

    At a media event, someone should present the Straight Talk Express a Golden Drag Chute, embroidered with the names of the Oil Company CEOs who have donated to McCain, and have contributed to his plan.

    It’s nice symbolism, and will allow for the whole story to be flipped around, and the late night comics won’t get enough of the fact that a drag chute is designed to retard that which it is attached to.

  20. 4tehlulz

    [re=52078]MoodProcessor[/re]: McCain: “A Trollop in Every Pot, and Pot in Every Trollop”

  21. bago

    Oh, and you could give the drag chute some trucknutz, so nobody will be confused about the bus in drag.

  22. lumpenprole

    I’ll never forgive Maverick for the death of Goose. He was out there trying to prove something.

  23. shortsshortsshorts

    I have never gotten over his little dinosaur arms and his ability to swing them around without purpose, but with tons of conviction. This is because as he was born a T-Rex (the most maverick of all the dinosaurs) he has shapeshifted to meet the needs of a modernized constituency.

  24. BlackEuro.Observer

    Why don’t we get a post about the “maverick” being greeted by 50.000 Harley’s at the Sturgis event?
    The pics of the event are considered NSFW, so I guess that’s the reason why.
    Drudge has it screaming from his HTML homepage.

  25. bago

    [re=52078]MoodProcessor[/re]: Surely you meant American Titties ‘n beer. For America.

    Too bad that trollop had to cock up the beer bit though.

  26. Monsieur Grumpe

    [re=52063]4tehlulz[/re]:
    Oh great. Now I have this mental image of John McCain on a Harley with Cindy on the back riding topless with her tits flapping in the breeze.

  27. Babe Vigoda

    why don’t they skip the ‘maverick’ part and just go with the truth, “the original human- from john mccain’s jawbone sprung all of humanity.”

  28. bago

    Actually, the straight talk express carrying two golden drag chutes (Collectively referred to as the Golden DragNutz) would look like a giant cock and balls when viewed from above.

  29. schvitzatura

    If the gas pump meters only turned as slowly in analog as they did back in the nineteen aughts of McCain’s dotage…

  30. schvitzatura

    Washington is broken…the sickly-sounding gavel of the 110th Congress only sounds twice…

  31. trophy(forparticipation)wife

    [re=52101]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: You can actually see this shapeshift occur at 0:14 and 0:16, unless it’s just that his head is translucent.

  32. Mediahohoho

    Ha ha. That’s some funny shit. Washinton’s broken, we’re worse off than we were 4 years ago, and John McCain’s been there through it all.

  33. weirdiowasculpture

    [re=52060]4tehlulz[/re]: Come now. If he was really two-faced, why would he be wearing that one?

Comments are closed.