NATIONS OF RETARDS  7:03 pm August 4, 2008

Non-Existent KFC In Fallujah Signals Freedom’s Successful & Continued March

by Jim Newell

Here’s a clip from Fox News’ Fox & Friends program last Thursday in which they discuss a KFC opening in Fallujah, in Iraq. They are so excited about the fast food wage-slave chain being opened in this awful city, because it means “things are working” in Iraq, democracy and economics, what have you; the little brown terrorists can all now eat greasy chicken and be fat slobs like us. General Tommy Franks is interviewed and says this is great, hurrah. But it turns out there is no real KFC in Fallujah after all; it’s just some black market chop-shop that they probably threw together to make Barack Obama feel welcome during his visit. [TPM Muckraker]


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shortsshortsshorts August 4, 2008 at 7:08 pm

Was the Colonial demoted before its completion or something?

SayItWithWookies August 4, 2008 at 7:13 pm

Awww, they’ve discovered copyright infringement — Iraq really is going to be a beacon of hope to the Middle East. No, I’m not crying — there’s something in my eye.

BadNewsJack August 4, 2008 at 7:13 pm

Have they water boarded the colonel to find out whats in those spices?

FunkyPalmettoBug August 4, 2008 at 7:14 pm

This is what happens when the Colonel goes to the Federal pen for Tax Evasion. He converts to Islam and starting feeding “the enemy.”

Darehead August 4, 2008 at 7:17 pm

Mission Fingerlickin’ Accomplished.

Dave J. August 4, 2008 at 7:21 pm

Idiot Fox Newsbabe: “Did you ever think you’d see that?”
Tommy Franks: “Oh my, my, my, can you imagine what we all thought 2 or 3 years ago?”

Fucking A, Tommy, you were telling us everything was awesome 2 or 3 years ago.

AnnieGetYourFun August 4, 2008 at 7:23 pm

Wow, did Tommy Franks actually just say that he’s surprised that Iraq’s making billions of dollars in oil revenue? That explains an awful lot about the handling of this entire fiasco.

Texan Bulldoggette August 4, 2008 at 7:23 pm

Well, you didn’t really expect Faux to actually do any, I don’t know, REAL REPORTING (based on facts) did you? All those blonde heads, so few thoughts.

AnnieGetYourFun August 4, 2008 at 7:29 pm

There is, however, a real KFC in Urumqi, Xinjiang, PRC. In Chinese they call it “Ken De Ji” (cun duh gee, essentially, and attempt at saying “Kentucky” while managing to tack the word chicken to the end). Everyone was always asking if I had eaten there, and were super-proud of the fact that they had one, all the way out west. I don’t eat that shit here in the States, so there was no way I was going to spend my renminbi on it when there were handmade noodles to be had at a fraction of the cost.

kudzu August 4, 2008 at 7:33 pm

Fox News is just pathetic. The only people who watches that outfit are brain-dead rednecks and right-wing wackos. Who gives a shit about what those two groups may or may not think (assuming they can think)? Fuck them; and Rupert Murdoch too.

pdiddycornchips August 4, 2008 at 7:34 pm

” But it turns out there is no real KFC in Fallujah after all; it’s just some black market chop-shop that they probably threw together to make Barack Obama feel welcome during his visit.”

Iraq is playing the race card.

WIDTAP August 4, 2008 at 7:35 pm

So your telling me that Fox doesn’t second source their stories? How odd.

Indi August 4, 2008 at 7:39 pm

[re=51720]pdiddycornchips[/re]: No way. Fox News totally joked about putting Iraq on the $100 bill and how funny that would look – months ago. Iraq was just.. you know… defending itself.

On a related note, any countries we want to go to war with would be MUCH better served by sending in invading hordes of grease-chains like KFC and McD’s, and we can watch their entire population keel over via congestive heart failure. Much less civilized and humane, but cheaper.

WIDTAP August 4, 2008 at 7:41 pm

[re=51721]WIDTAP[/re]: “You’re”, “your”. At least they use proper grammar.

polar_bear August 4, 2008 at 7:43 pm

I guess they should add “AUTHENTIC KFC” to the withdrawal benchmarks.

Terry85 August 4, 2008 at 7:45 pm

And of course it just HAD to be a fried chicken place welcoming the black guy.

greensprout August 4, 2008 at 7:46 pm

It’s obvious that KFC doesn’t support the troops.

jasonelias August 4, 2008 at 7:48 pm

Franks was sounding right faggy on the interview. That happens when old southern men try to be “cutesy.”

shortsshortsshorts August 4, 2008 at 7:53 pm

YOU LIBRULS HAVE NO APPRECIATION OF FANTASY LAND. A land where Iraq is filled with chicken, american flags and SUVs. What is wrong with you people?

Dr. Spaceman August 4, 2008 at 8:01 pm

[re=51699]SayItWithWookies[/re]: For real, I don’t believe the Surge hype, but an economy that can support trademark and tradedress violations means something’s going right. Mission accomplished, when can the brave troops come home?

Scooter August 4, 2008 at 8:04 pm

So Iraq’s 6000-yr. old civilization still hasn’t experienced the spork?? Mission Un-accomplished!!

anabellum August 4, 2008 at 8:06 pm

what a bunch of idiots…havent they ever seen a fake Kentucky Fried Chicken stand in the US?………

of course, theyd have to go to the ‘poor side of town’ to see one…..which i suppose explains it…

the sign outside will say KFC, in more or less the same typeface…on closer inspection, the real name will turn out to be Kennedy Fried Chicken…or something like that…

to anyone with half a brain, its clearly not the real thing…..

its almost impossible to imagine that who ever opened the ‘KFC’ in Fallujah hasn’t worked at, or run, a similar set up in the states…

The Incomparable Tiny Valdez August 4, 2008 at 8:08 pm

I am for once speechless. I have seen KFC destroy cultures across the Caribbean. Why wouldn’t she start working on the Middle East? Go cholesteral . Go Islamic obesity!

economywine August 4, 2008 at 8:10 pm

oh shit, can the evangelical crisco requirement survive another crippling boycott…

wheelie August 4, 2008 at 8:13 pm

It’s a Kentucky Fried Chickpea outlet.

[re=51730]jasonelias[/re]: No, not faggy at all. Faggy would have been Tommy Franks going, “Oh hey girl, Jimmy Choo is omigod, I swear, opening in Fallujah, and the leather is like, Halal. It’s so amazing. Come see.” (End of txt message.)

Pelagius August 4, 2008 at 8:15 pm

[re=51713]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: My favorite KFC of all time is the one in Ho Chi Minh City, right down the street from the “Reunification Palace “. They take US dollars, too. Now THAT’s what I call Mission Accomplished.

If we really want a KFC in Fallujah, all we need to do is quit and go home.

Delicious August 4, 2008 at 8:19 pm

[re=51737]Dr. Spaceman[/re]: No, we can’t declare Mission Accomplished until the Iraqis open a porn store in Fallujah.

Delicious August 4, 2008 at 8:21 pm

…and a Popeyes.

rpeg August 4, 2008 at 8:29 pm

You will greet the 2pc Breast & Wing meal as a liberator.

johnbpt August 4, 2008 at 8:32 pm

Punk’d bee-atches!

jasonelias August 4, 2008 at 8:33 pm

[re=51744]wheelie[/re]: Even better!

bmannes August 4, 2008 at 8:33 pm

Oh god that “KFC” is such a trap! I’m not military and even I can see that.

Dr. Spaceman August 4, 2008 at 8:33 pm

[re=51749]Delicious[/re]: I’d be ok with a Chinese food + Donuts joint in Basra.

Darehead August 4, 2008 at 8:40 pm

[re=51734]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: KFC-Fallujah is in the vast bipartisan fantasy land with weapons of mass destruction, unicorns, NAU, whitey tapes and a commenter named genericuserid.

SayItWithWookies August 4, 2008 at 9:10 pm

Kracklin’ Fallujan Corpses.

wheelie August 4, 2008 at 9:20 pm

[re=51699]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Welcome to Fallujah. Welcome to Kentucky Fried Copyright.

ManchuCandidate August 4, 2008 at 9:27 pm

Silly Faux

It’s actually Khalid Fried Camels

schvitzatura August 4, 2008 at 9:32 pm

This store is not approved by KFC International and we have working with the US Military to warn the troops of this situation.


ManchuCandidate August 4, 2008 at 9:40 pm


Delicious August 4, 2008 at 9:48 pm

[re=51756]Dr. Spaceman[/re]: I was there. There were two decent Chinese restaurants in Baghdad. I went to one and it seemed to be staffed by slaves smuggled from China. Good orange beef with broccoli.


loudmouthredhead August 4, 2008 at 9:49 pm

Well, since they aren’t producing at capacity, they have to do SOMETHING with all that oil, right?

[re=51748]Delicious[/re]: The day they start selling Fleshlights(tm) in Fallujah, I will kiss Dubya’s hairy ass.

Delicious August 4, 2008 at 9:50 pm
loudmouthredhead August 4, 2008 at 9:51 pm
shortsshortsshorts August 4, 2008 at 10:01 pm

[re=51777]loudmouthredhead[/re]: Delicious: I don’t care what those anti-McDonalds homos say, or something.

Anita Cocktail August 4, 2008 at 10:07 pm

[re=51720]pdiddycornchips[/re]: I was highly offended when they built a “Watermelon Shack” next to the Kentucky Faux Chicken.

Delicious August 4, 2008 at 10:10 pm

Fox News makes Baby Jesus cry.

tsunami August 4, 2008 at 10:16 pm

god bless america. gm…down the tubes.

the world’s worst chicken…all over the world.
no wonder they hate us. it’s not bush…it’s the frikkin chicken.

in jersey city, new jersey, we go to church’s or popeyes.
nobody goes to kfc…except a couple white people.
i think they’re tourists…lost tourists who thought the path
was the subway and ended up in jersey.

Slutty_Chola_Cobbler August 4, 2008 at 10:17 pm

I am 99.99999% positive that you have to have the words:


on your resumé in order to get a job at Faux News!!

They all sound the same, think the same.. It’s like fucking Children of the Corn over there..

Delicious August 4, 2008 at 10:21 pm

[re=51785]tsunami[/re]: Damn. KFC is the bomb with the non-whites I know…and I like it, too.

tsunami August 4, 2008 at 10:31 pm


in jc, kfc is empty when church’s, one block away and across the
street, is out the door.

earlier, [re=51739]anabellum[/re]: wrote about off brands and
used kennedy’s as an example, like it didn’t really exist…maybe…
but we have kennedy’s too…and it’s bangin’…

popeye’s…regarded as the best.

maybe it’s an east coast thing? east coast ghetto thing?
am white…but live-in lover is black. [just to give frame of reference]

SayItWithWookies August 4, 2008 at 10:37 pm

[re=51713]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: And the Chinese are worried that that Xinjiang Uighur group is going to be a security threat during the Olympics. C’mon — nobody who loves KFC could be a security threat. Except Timothy McVeigh. And maybe that anthrax guy.

Delicious August 4, 2008 at 10:45 pm

[re=51789]tsunami[/re]: Well, KFC rocks in Beijing and Manila, where I’ve been and seen the KFC fish specials. Anyway, I’m east coast and I do Crown Fried Chicken. Love that hot sauce.

WadISay August 4, 2008 at 10:50 pm

Another spurious story about Iraq acquiring weapons of ass construction.

shortsshortsshorts August 4, 2008 at 10:50 pm

[re=51786]Slutty_Chola_Cobbler[/re]: That’s like applying for a job under the Attorney General, except without the degree! Where can I sign on?

tsunami August 4, 2008 at 10:51 pm


crown…yes…i wrote church’s, but i meant crown.
church’s is in fla…and also very good.

crown…so you know what i mean…and if i’m that confused…
it’s bedtime for chicken man.

btw…you can be sure that noah and his wife were not black…
cause those two chickens would never have made it 40 days and 40 nites.

soytrucknutz August 4, 2008 at 10:51 pm

It’s not Black Market, it’s Blackwater. The Army outsourced this one, too.

RuperttheBear August 4, 2008 at 10:52 pm

Let’s be honest about how much we all love chicken that can be inhaled.

It is snifforific.

And why wouldn’t Iraq embrace chicken that is killed through the time-tested “throw at wall” method?

And the spices!?? SHIT! These peoples economy WAS SPICES for like A THOUSAND YEARs. This chicken represents everything good about Iraq. Inhaled. Thrown at wall. Spicey.

‘Nufff said.

shortsshortsshorts August 4, 2008 at 11:00 pm

[re=51796]RuperttheBear[/re]: Sitting out for a few years letting it bask in the warm, moderate sun.

expatinOz August 4, 2008 at 11:02 pm

I’ll eat the KFC here in Australia, but nothing will ever top Guthrie’s. Tallasassy represent!

Godot August 4, 2008 at 11:34 pm

[re=51739]anabellum[/re]: Hey, Kennedy Fried Chicken is some damn good eatin’.

tunamelt August 5, 2008 at 12:23 am

[re=51792]WadISay[/re]: Golf clap. That was hilarious.

Darehead August 5, 2008 at 12:40 am

[re=51771]schvitzatura[/re]: [re=51772]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Have you two been goin to the GENIUS Farm or what?

AnnieGetYourFun August 5, 2008 at 1:11 am

[re=51790]SayItWithWookies[/re]: There was an attack in Kashgar recently, did you hear? A bunch of Chinese troops were killed in some sort of cross-border grenade attack. Or maybe not and the Chinese government is looking for another excuse to execute another bunch of my former students.

villageatrois August 5, 2008 at 1:27 am

My friend’s son was killed in Fallujah! For Kentucky Fake Chicken, so Tommy Fuckin Franks can induce more young men to sign up!

{Cleaning guns now; take a number.}

Volumptuous August 5, 2008 at 1:43 am

Yet another non-existent thing in Iraq with a three letter acronym. First, WMD, now KFC.

shortsshortsshorts August 5, 2008 at 2:23 am

This convercommentofabob has put me in the mood of a little I AM JOHN MCCAIN I TURN YOU INTO FROG WITH FINGER, by golly.

SayItWithWookies August 5, 2008 at 2:25 am

[re=51819]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: Yes, I saw the statement about the threat during the Olympics in an article about that. Apparently two Uighurs drove a bus into a group of police out on a morning jog, killed 16 of them by either running them over or hacking at them with machetes afterwards, and wounding about 16 more. The two perpetrators were arrested.
Oh, it’s the top BBC story right now:
Yes, everything’s going to be fine. Pay no attention to the massacre behind the curtain.

AnnieGetYourFun August 5, 2008 at 2:35 am

[re=51828]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Drunken comment? I can’t tell, as I am drunk.

[re=51829]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Yikes. Machetes are a new tactic for that region. Le sigh. I wonder what really went down. And we’ll probably never know.

SayItWithWookies August 5, 2008 at 2:59 am

[re=51828]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: or I AM CINDY MCCAIN I TURN A FINGER INTO YOUR DUCK.

[re=51831]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: I’m sure the truth will come out in the show trial. The earlier report was quite different, so apparently the facts on the ground are fluid.

Oscar Folsom Cleveland August 5, 2008 at 3:45 am

Are you sure that’s Tommy Franks? It looks an awful like Rev. Jeremiah Wright in white face…

and the face on the fake KFC storefront, isn’t that South Carolina “state senator” Kevin Bryant in native terrorist garb?!

“I’ll have a chicken fallujah, pork rinds and a diet Pepsi, please!”

Darehead August 5, 2008 at 3:53 am

Cheney will have the Kentucky Fried Chicken Hawk special, extra oily.

slavojzizek August 5, 2008 at 4:21 am

[re=51737]Dr. Spaceman[/re]: I’ll call it mission accomplished when Pam Anderson flies over to mount a protest about how the chickens are being treated badly.

TGY August 5, 2008 at 4:24 am

I wonder. Do we have to be retarded about this shit? I suppose so.

WonderWomyn August 5, 2008 at 4:44 am

This is not on topic, but I just want to share this pic. I find it so funny:

It’s McCain looking for a new wife… or tee-shirt… or something with trashy Cindy!

Darehead August 5, 2008 at 5:02 am

[re=51855]WonderWomyn[/re]: McCain was so impressed they named the whole town after him! Surge-is. The story that goes with this is funny; people were lined up to get autographs from the bikini-clad t-shirt beauty queen in the store and nobody cared about John and Cindy! Also, there was a naked lady poster in the store Walnuts had to avert his eyes from.

dmac August 5, 2008 at 7:03 am

Gotta love that TPM muckraking: “We’ve also called the number of the faux KFC itself, but no one at the restaurant seems to speak English.” Gee, nobody at the restaurant in Fallujah speaks English? STOP THE FUCKING PRESSES!

dmac August 5, 2008 at 7:05 am

I also like that KFC is “working with the US Military to warn the troops of this situation.” We wouldn’t want the troops to have fried chicken not up to the colonel’s standards.

Servo August 5, 2008 at 7:15 am

The Colonel’s Homestyle Couscous?

Anita Cocktail August 5, 2008 at 8:00 am

[re=51855]WonderWomyn[/re]: Jaysus, her hair gets whiter every time I see her. Conditioner, Cin, you need you some conditioner. Otherwise you’re gonna end up bald like your sorry-ass husband.

EnBuenOra August 5, 2008 at 8:42 am

For those who have the stomache for it, “McCain Girl” has another dreadful YouTube musical video hit:

Darehead August 5, 2008 at 9:16 am

[re=51866]EnBuenOra[/re]: Now that deserves a whole thread….

schvitzatura August 5, 2008 at 9:18 am

[re=51831]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: Probably figured the whole big knife thing out from technical advisors from Rwanda, Haiti, and the Philippines…

RuperttheBear August 5, 2008 at 9:27 am

[re=51866]EnBuenOra[/re]: “i love you mccain girl/ i am the unemployrd tree sloth lol” This is you?

Pelagius August 5, 2008 at 9:46 am

[re=51855]WonderWomyn[/re]: That woman has a face like the Montauk Monster

Carrie_Okie August 5, 2008 at 11:03 am

A fraud of a fraud. Kentucky Fried Chicken, a chain started in South Cack-a-lacky.
BTW, chain food is for retards.
Price’s Chicken Coop. That’s how we roll in the Queen City.

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