About the author

Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

View all articles by Sara K. Smith
What Others Are Reading

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

34 comments

  1. CivicHoliday

    Oh. My. Jeebus. He finally admits that, after all this time, he does in fact have a fully functioning cerebral cortex, and that his evil actions are, in fact, solely due to his blackened heart and missing soul. We wanted so badly to believe you were just semi-retarded, Bob, but alas, you’re just an asshole.

  2. capt. tim

    Oh, I could tell you why
    The ocean’s near the shore,
    I could think of things I never thunk before
    And then I’d sit and think some more.

    I would not be just a nuffin’
    My head all full of stuffin’
    My heart all full of pain.
    I would dance and be merry
    Life would be a ding-a-derry
    If I only had a… a… something… tumor.

  3. Serolf Divad

    He announced late last month he has a brain.

    The guy lies every time he opens his mouth doesn’t he? Just can’t help himself.

  4. BadNewsJack

    HE HAS A BRAIN!!! That is a shocker. All this time, I thought he pulled his columns directly from his ass.

  5. Sean O

    It’s a damn shame Wonkette announced its retirement due to the Ron Paul Rocket, because this totally trumps anything you’ve done. Epic.

  6. jagorev

    This is classic.

    I’m surprised he didn’t also announce he had a heart. I guess feasting on the hearts of Iraqi children didn’t help?

  7. WIDTAP

    When Novak announces he has a brain, does he mean that he has Karl Rove in the biblical sense, or just something more pedestrian like “over for dinner”?

  8. TGY

    Don’t miss next week’s episode of ‘When Editors Fuck Up Serious Revelation Articles’.

    And I suppose x-rays of his head showed nothing?

  9. gurukalehuru

    Retirement is good, Bob. Maybe a confession, and sincere repentance, would help now, too. You haven’t got much longer.

  10. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Actually, McCain has many brains. He keeps them in jars on a shelf near the window, that way they catch the light just right.

  11. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Actually, the big news is that Novak had to resign immediately.

    So many blood sacrifices to make, so little time.

  12. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    [re=51594]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Novak, not McCain…, sorry, trying to do three things at once.

  13. Oscar Folsom Cleveland

    First came the envelope of cash from Karl Rove, following the successful Valerie Plane hushup. Then the new black Corvette, followed by running over the “old man” (really special counsel Patrick Fitzgerald), and the amazing discovery in the police investigation that underneath his helmet Darth Novak actually has a brain. As a result, the brain was attacked by a large pink cancer disguised as a tongue which has been hiding in Novak’s mouth (and running his life) for years.

    Rumor has it that the “tongue” is the last piece of living tissue from the body of J. Edgar Hoover.

  14. Quacker

    How can he die? I thought when you sold your soul to beelzebub, you got eternal existence in DC in return? Or is it simply the gift of making shit up and get it printed in the Sun Times? Apparently the latter…

  15. Quacker

    Well, now he can look forward to reclining on a fiery stone buffet with Rowland Evans and sucking his shriveled tool again, just like in the old days!

  16. civan93

    There’s some zombie joke waiting here somewhere. Since I can’t find it I’ll just scream:

    BRAINS!!

  17. donner_froh

    Nice to see the Sun-Times still has the same standards of accuracy that they had when the were owned by the Field family.

  18. villageatrois

    The Really Keen Oh Sure! Multiple Choice Quiz:

    1) The sun was in my eyes like a Liberal hitting the wind shield.
    2) I hates Luke Jaywalker.
    3) My dog ate the driver’s license prep manual.
    4) I have a brain tumor, and a Dr. appt on my court date.
    5) The black corvette actually belongs to Villageatrois, and I’ll return it to him tomorrow, after paying off any loans or liens.

  19. RuperttheBear

    GOPVixen is gonna be all over this. Like a US soldier dipping into a bucket of extra-crispy in Fallujah.

Comments are closed.