IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS  2:51 pm August 4, 2008

UPDATE: Novak’s Shocking Revelation

by Sara K. Smith

Reprinted in full without comment. We hardly knew ye [AP]

 
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{ 34 comments }

columnv August 4, 2008 at 2:55 pm

…and the announcement went unnoticed.

CivicHoliday August 4, 2008 at 2:55 pm

Oh. My. Jeebus. He finally admits that, after all this time, he does in fact have a fully functioning cerebral cortex, and that his evil actions are, in fact, solely due to his blackened heart and missing soul. We wanted so badly to believe you were just semi-retarded, Bob, but alas, you’re just an asshole.

capt. tim August 4, 2008 at 2:57 pm

Oh, I could tell you why
The ocean’s near the shore,
I could think of things I never thunk before
And then I’d sit and think some more.

I would not be just a nuffin’
My head all full of stuffin’
My heart all full of pain.
I would dance and be merry
Life would be a ding-a-derry
If I only had a… a… something… tumor.

Makeithurt August 4, 2008 at 3:01 pm

Ah…but he didn’t say what KIND of a brain, right?

Serolf Divad August 4, 2008 at 3:01 pm

He announced late last month he has a brain.

The guy lies every time he opens his mouth doesn’t he? Just can’t help himself.

BadNewsJack August 4, 2008 at 3:02 pm

HE HAS A BRAIN!!! That is a shocker. All this time, I thought he pulled his columns directly from his ass.

EnBuenOra August 4, 2008 at 3:06 pm

I might believe he had a brain. A soul? That’s another matter. No way.

Sean O August 4, 2008 at 3:11 pm

It’s a damn shame Wonkette announced its retirement due to the Ron Paul Rocket, because this totally trumps anything you’ve done. Epic.

jagorev August 4, 2008 at 3:11 pm

This is classic.

I’m surprised he didn’t also announce he had a heart. I guess feasting on the hearts of Iraqi children didn’t help?

Carrie_Okie August 4, 2008 at 3:11 pm

See it is a lie. He has a brain tumor INSTEAD of a brain.

MoodProcessor August 4, 2008 at 3:16 pm

That’s not br..brains we can believe in!

WIDTAP August 4, 2008 at 3:32 pm

When Novak announces he has a brain, does he mean that he has Karl Rove in the biblical sense, or just something more pedestrian like “over for dinner”?

TGY August 4, 2008 at 3:37 pm

Don’t miss next week’s episode of ‘When Editors Fuck Up Serious Revelation Articles’.

And I suppose x-rays of his head showed nothing?

Cubilist August 4, 2008 at 3:39 pm

Does this mean their going to stop making frankenberry cereal?

sleepy August 4, 2008 at 3:42 pm

just like terry shiavo!

The Incomparable Tiny Valdez August 4, 2008 at 4:00 pm

I always wondered if he was related to Kim.

wallythepug August 4, 2008 at 4:24 pm

Karl Rove enjoyed it was some fava beans and a nice Chianti.

gurukalehuru August 4, 2008 at 4:32 pm

Retirement is good, Bob. Maybe a confession, and sincere repentance, would help now, too. You haven’t got much longer.

BadNewsJack August 4, 2008 at 4:40 pm

Maybe the tumor IS his brain

disgustedcitizen August 4, 2008 at 4:58 pm

See the All Powerful Oz can grant your wishes!

Lionel Hutz Esq. August 4, 2008 at 5:43 pm

Is his brain originally from an Abbey someone?

Lionel Hutz Esq. August 4, 2008 at 5:46 pm

Actually, McCain has many brains. He keeps them in jars on a shelf near the window, that way they catch the light just right.

Lionel Hutz Esq. August 4, 2008 at 5:48 pm

Actually, the big news is that Novak had to resign immediately.

So many blood sacrifices to make, so little time.

Lionel Hutz Esq. August 4, 2008 at 5:48 pm

[re=51594]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Novak, not McCain…, sorry, trying to do three things at once.

AxmxZ August 4, 2008 at 5:52 pm

Now if he only had a heart…!

Oscar Folsom Cleveland August 4, 2008 at 6:18 pm

First came the envelope of cash from Karl Rove, following the successful Valerie Plane hushup. Then the new black Corvette, followed by running over the “old man” (really special counsel Patrick Fitzgerald), and the amazing discovery in the police investigation that underneath his helmet Darth Novak actually has a brain. As a result, the brain was attacked by a large pink cancer disguised as a tongue which has been hiding in Novak’s mouth (and running his life) for years.

Rumor has it that the “tongue” is the last piece of living tissue from the body of J. Edgar Hoover.

ReverendGreen August 4, 2008 at 6:20 pm

What I would say if I saw him: “tick tock, tick tock bob!”

Quacker August 4, 2008 at 6:25 pm

How can he die? I thought when you sold your soul to beelzebub, you got eternal existence in DC in return? Or is it simply the gift of making shit up and get it printed in the Sun Times? Apparently the latter…

Quacker August 4, 2008 at 6:27 pm

Well, now he can look forward to reclining on a fiery stone buffet with Rowland Evans and sucking his shriveled tool again, just like in the old days!

Scooter August 4, 2008 at 7:48 pm

Already sharpening my stick for the funeral. Gotta make sure, ya know!

civan93 August 4, 2008 at 9:22 pm

There’s some zombie joke waiting here somewhere. Since I can’t find it I’ll just scream:

BRAINS!!

donner_froh August 4, 2008 at 11:33 pm

Nice to see the Sun-Times still has the same standards of accuracy that they had when the were owned by the Field family.

villageatrois August 5, 2008 at 4:18 am

The Really Keen Oh Sure! Multiple Choice Quiz:

1) The sun was in my eyes like a Liberal hitting the wind shield.
2) I hates Luke Jaywalker.
3) My dog ate the driver’s license prep manual.
4) I have a brain tumor, and a Dr. appt on my court date.
5) The black corvette actually belongs to Villageatrois, and I’ll return it to him tomorrow, after paying off any loans or liens.

RuperttheBear August 5, 2008 at 9:17 am

GOPVixen is gonna be all over this. Like a US soldier dipping into a bucket of extra-crispy in Fallujah.

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