Reprinted in full without comment. We hardly knew ye [AP]

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  1. Oh. My. Jeebus. He finally admits that, after all this time, he does in fact have a fully functioning cerebral cortex, and that his evil actions are, in fact, solely due to his blackened heart and missing soul. We wanted so badly to believe you were just semi-retarded, Bob, but alas, you’re just an asshole.

  2. Oh, I could tell you why
    The ocean’s near the shore,
    I could think of things I never thunk before
    And then I’d sit and think some more.

    I would not be just a nuffin’
    My head all full of stuffin’
    My heart all full of pain.
    I would dance and be merry
    Life would be a ding-a-derry
    If I only had a… a… something… tumor.

  3. It’s a damn shame Wonkette announced its retirement due to the Ron Paul Rocket, because this totally trumps anything you’ve done. Epic.

  4. This is classic.

    I’m surprised he didn’t also announce he had a heart. I guess feasting on the hearts of Iraqi children didn’t help?

  5. When Novak announces he has a brain, does he mean that he has Karl Rove in the biblical sense, or just something more pedestrian like “over for dinner”?

  6. Don’t miss next week’s episode of ‘When Editors Fuck Up Serious Revelation Articles’.

    And I suppose x-rays of his head showed nothing?

  7. First came the envelope of cash from Karl Rove, following the successful Valerie Plane hushup. Then the new black Corvette, followed by running over the “old man” (really special counsel Patrick Fitzgerald), and the amazing discovery in the police investigation that underneath his helmet Darth Novak actually has a brain. As a result, the brain was attacked by a large pink cancer disguised as a tongue which has been hiding in Novak’s mouth (and running his life) for years.

    Rumor has it that the “tongue” is the last piece of living tissue from the body of J. Edgar Hoover.

  8. How can he die? I thought when you sold your soul to beelzebub, you got eternal existence in DC in return? Or is it simply the gift of making shit up and get it printed in the Sun Times? Apparently the latter…

  9. Well, now he can look forward to reclining on a fiery stone buffet with Rowland Evans and sucking his shriveled tool again, just like in the old days!

  10. The Really Keen Oh Sure! Multiple Choice Quiz:

    1) The sun was in my eyes like a Liberal hitting the wind shield.
    2) I hates Luke Jaywalker.
    3) My dog ate the driver’s license prep manual.
    4) I have a brain tumor, and a Dr. appt on my court date.
    5) The black corvette actually belongs to Villageatrois, and I’ll return it to him tomorrow, after paying off any loans or liens.

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