Wonkette
Reprinted in full without comment. 
[AP]
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS
UPDATE: Novak’s Shocking Revelation
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2:51 PM
on Mon August 4 2008
By
Sara K. Smith
1857 Views
…and the announcement went unnoticed.
Oh. My. Jeebus. He finally admits that, after all this time, he does in fact have a fully functioning cerebral cortex, and that his evil actions are, in fact, solely due to his blackened heart and missing soul. We wanted so badly to believe you were just semi-retarded, Bob, but alas, you’re just an asshole.
Oh, I could tell you why
The ocean’s near the shore,
I could think of things I never thunk before
And then I’d sit and think some more.
I would not be just a nuffin’
My head all full of stuffin’
My heart all full of pain.
I would dance and be merry
Life would be a ding-a-derry
If I only had a… a… something… tumor.
Ah…but he didn’t say what KIND of a brain, right?
He announced late last month he has a brain.
The guy lies every time he opens his mouth doesn’t he? Just can’t help himself.
HE HAS A BRAIN!!! That is a shocker. All this time, I thought he pulled his columns directly from his ass.
I might believe he had a brain. A soul? That’s another matter. No way.
It’s a damn shame Wonkette announced its retirement due to the Ron Paul Rocket, because this totally trumps anything you’ve done. Epic.
This is classic.
I’m surprised he didn’t also announce he had a heart. I guess feasting on the hearts of Iraqi children didn’t help?
See it is a lie. He has a brain tumor INSTEAD of a brain.
That’s not br..brains we can believe in!
When Novak announces he has a brain, does he mean that he has Karl Rove in the biblical sense, or just something more pedestrian like “over for dinner”?
Don’t miss next week’s episode of ‘When Editors Fuck Up Serious Revelation Articles’.
And I suppose x-rays of his head showed nothing?
Does this mean their going to stop making frankenberry cereal?
just like terry shiavo!
I always wondered if he was related to Kim.
Karl Rove enjoyed it was some fava beans and a nice Chianti.
Retirement is good, Bob. Maybe a confession, and sincere repentance, would help now, too. You haven’t got much longer.
Maybe the tumor IS his brain
See the All Powerful Oz can grant your wishes!
Is his brain originally from an Abbey someone?
Actually, McCain has many brains. He keeps them in jars on a shelf near the window, that way they catch the light just right.
Actually, the big news is that Novak had to resign immediately.
So many blood sacrifices to make, so little time.
Lionel Hutz Esq.: Novak, not McCain…, sorry, trying to do three things at once.
Now if he only had a heart…!
First came the envelope of cash from Karl Rove, following the successful Valerie Plane hushup. Then the new black Corvette, followed by running over the “old man” (really special counsel Patrick Fitzgerald), and the amazing discovery in the police investigation that underneath his helmet Darth Novak actually has a brain. As a result, the brain was attacked by a large pink cancer disguised as a tongue which has been hiding in Novak’s mouth (and running his life) for years.
Rumor has it that the “tongue” is the last piece of living tissue from the body of J. Edgar Hoover.
What I would say if I saw him: “tick tock, tick tock bob!”
How can he die? I thought when you sold your soul to beelzebub, you got eternal existence in DC in return? Or is it simply the gift of making shit up and get it printed in the Sun Times? Apparently the latter…
Well, now he can look forward to reclining on a fiery stone buffet with Rowland Evans and sucking his shriveled tool again, just like in the old days!
Already sharpening my stick for the funeral. Gotta make sure, ya know!
There’s some zombie joke waiting here somewhere. Since I can’t find it I’ll just scream:
BRAINS!!
Nice to see the Sun-Times still has the same standards of accuracy that they had when the were owned by the Field family.
The Really Keen Oh Sure! Multiple Choice Quiz:
1) The sun was in my eyes like a Liberal hitting the wind shield.
2) I hates Luke Jaywalker.
3) My dog ate the driver’s license prep manual.
4) I have a brain tumor, and a Dr. appt on my court date.
5) The black corvette actually belongs to Villageatrois, and I’ll return it to him tomorrow, after paying off any loans or liens.
GOPVixen is gonna be all over this. Like a US soldier dipping into a bucket of extra-crispy in Fallujah.