Wonkette
Once upon a time John Ashcroft was widely regarded as the worst Attorney General ever, until Alberto Gonzales came along and showed America what a truly terrible Attorney General looked like. And then the news came about Gonzales and some other henchmen going to visit Ashcroft on his deathbed to sign some thing or other, and Ashcroft was like, “Eat a dick, Al,” which temporarily endeared him to the 400 Democrats who care about this stuff. The point is, some dude is auctioning off a glass that Ashcroft once drank out of … and the contents are included.
Here’s what this intrepid eBay seller wrote about his wonderful item:
This is not a joke. This is actually a glass of former U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft’s backwash.
He spoke at Knox College April 22 (Earth Day, of all days) and was a pretty big jerk to every one (including your humble seller). There is a YouTube video of him being mean to me, actually. My retort got more cheers than his, so if applause meters selected Attorneys General, I would be there right now.
[...] After he left, my friends and I attempted to regain our ability to reason after the vicious attack against humanity that spewed from that man’s mouth, so we decided to play a little music in the theater where he spoke. You know, to channel that frustration into something productive.
And what do we find still sitting on the pedestal? John Ashcroft’s glass, still with water and backwash in it (in one photo, you can see the water pitcher and glass on the pedestal during his talk).
[...] It is a few months old. I’m not sure how long backwash stays good. But on close inspection, the water is still clear. There is nothing growing anywhere. I think Ashcroft’s saliva has a strong disinfectant in it that destroys all life. That would explain a few things.
And very little has evaporated, since it has been sealed with cling wrap and a rubber band and kept in a dark closet this whole time.
UGGH GROSS SOMEBODY PLS BUY THIS SO WE CAN CLONE JOHN ASHCROFT, THANKS.
Cloning him will be easier than finding a women to have sex with him.
Everybody knows that the truly valuable bits of Ashcroft saliva are the samples on the constitution and on Gonzales’ face.
Goddammit, Wonkette! This glass was going to complete my collection of War Criminal drinking memorabilia (Klaus Barbie’s canteen, Idi Amin’s wine goblet, Saddam Hussein’s shot glass) and now by advertising it thus you’ve probably ensured that the bids will reach stratospheric levels I could never hope to offer.
Thank a lot!
“I’m not sure how long backwash stays good”
’nuff said.
Let the saliva sooooooarrrrrrr!!!!
Like it’s never soooooarred befooooooore!!!!
I hope it has that peculiar sour-apples-and-decay smell so common in old man spit. Otherwise, I ain’t biddin’
Serolf Divad:
Don’t forget Henry Kissinger’s beer helmet.
http://www.funshop.com/images/fs_dbh_l.jpg
I got news for ya, buddy. That ain’t back wash.
Strangely enough the glass has an overarching smell of methane in it.
Stays good for what, exactly?
From the agency of waterdrinker John Ashcroft used to manage:
DNA evidence police retrieve from the sweatband inside a cap, from the inside of a mask, on a cigarette butt, in chewing gum, on a drinking glass, or from a half-eaten sandwich.
Remains of a Quizno’s Flatbread Sammie®, gnawed on by former U.S. AG, next up for bid, on eBay!
M-mm-mm! Toasty!
An army of hell-demons, you say?..
He slept with Gannon, right? Because Gannon has like 5 STD’s, so buyer beware.
“My retort got more cheers than his” I love that someone who collects other people’s saliva is alsoo trying to promote his/her coolness while selling said saliva.
Well, the US has been buying the BushAd’s sh1t for the last 8 years.
Why a nice cup of matching sputum.
That DNA should be catalogued for evidence.
“My retort got more cheers than his, so if applause meters selected Attorneys General, I would be there right now.”
He could probably give Ashcroft a run for his money if we picked the AG using a douchebag detector.
But how can the eagle soar when it’s all loaded down with TRUCK NUTZ and such like?
I still don’t understand how this man’s name can be mentioned without including the fact that he lost an election to a corpse. Is the collective memory really that short?
Someone is bidding a whole shiny penny on it!
*furiously searching Wikipedia, trying to determine how much Cerberus saliva is needed for a Hex*
Oh, now the shit is on. The Republicans down in Mississippi went and tried to kill Morgan Freeman.
Serolf Divad: With 6 days left, it’s still going for a penny. You may have a shot at this … um … wait, why the hell would anyone want this? Wait, perhaps I should buy it to go with that leftover Hopey waffle I bought a few months ago. That way I can take turns biting and sipping and see which comes out victorious: hope, despair, hope, dispair…
ChernobylSoup: That’ll teach that slave boy to call himself a “free man.”
[Seriously, though - the guy's a phenom actor and is slated to portray Nelson Mandela, which I hope he can still achieve. He'll bring the necessarily gravitas to the role. At least he was conscious and talking when extricated from the car, so hopefully this too will pass and we'll still have Morgan to enjoy for years to come. Yahweh willing...]
freakishlystrong: Typical Bush administration unintended consequence: the bottom has now dropped out of the evil market.
Is it just me, or is EVERYONE just waiting for the day when all these complete douchebags are either in jail or ranting in the the empty ether from their Faux Noise shows?
freakishlystrong: I want ‘em swingin’ from the end of a rope.
And I’m against capital punishment.
sezme:
Bastard, if you buy it out form under me I’ll never speak to you again!
Is it true that if you drink it, you become him?
Terry: Oh, I don’t know about that. With that lovely lilting tenor voice of his I’m sure he can still manage to pitch some woo.
John Ashcroft capable of producing saliva? Quite the opposite — historically important as the first Loofah Attorney General.
BadNewsJack: I think he replicates like mushrooms. That cup is full of spores!
I’d maybe consider buying if it still had his teeth in there - I think his falsies should just about fit up Mitt Romney’s anus.
Has no one else considered planting his DNA all over the scene of some dead tranny hooker? Am I the only one who watches NCIS? Oh, yeh…I probably am.