Darth Moneyturtle Would Like To Speak To You

Okay, so it wasn't that hard to find the video of "W. McSpeedy." But we swear he providedno link whatsoeverin his email pitch encouraging us to watch his mysterious video. Here is your strange character, trapped in a small wooden cage, wearing a Darth Vader helmet covered in dollar signs, and yellow pajamas which are also covered in dollar signs, and holding a cardboard circle which is, of course, also covered in dollar signs. HE'S A TURTLE.

But you're probably wondering, "Where is the decapitated head of Barack Obama on a stick?" Trust us,it is coming soon-- the 2: 09 mark isnotthe time to refresh your beverage.

Oh and what's that happening near the end, around the 4: 37 mark, when he turns around, juts his buttocks skyward, and asks us to "climb on board"?

This was Darth "$$$" McSpeedy the Turtle's last appearance. Moments after it was posted to YouTube (by the government), his shell-less, pajama-less corpse washed up on the beach at Montauk. 

CHILLING UPDATE: "These social-security moniesare  mines!" 

Courtesy of RaptorAvatar / Up With The Mob. 

EARLIER: Meet Mr. W. McSpeedy! (Or Not)