the dark knight vs. the penguin

Childlike, Emotionally Stunted Nation Welcomes 2008 Campaign Comic Books

Ou bien BOMP ! ou HUMPF ! parfois même PFFF ! SHEBAM ! POW ! BLOP ! WIZZ !Oh look, it’s America, the nation of 11-year-old fat kids who lack the intellectual capacity to process anything beyond comic books. Have you heard about the greatest work of cinematic art in history, 300 Explosions With Batman and Joker? It’s the most “mature” of this year’s crop of 500 fucking movies about comic books, according to Critics who haven’t seen a film made for grownups since about 1978, when the last ones were produced.

Anyway, here’s your comic books about the presidential campaign. Everything is either based on a comic book, or must be adapted into a comic book, because anything else would be “elitist” and require “being at least as emotionally developed as a 12-year-old.” [IDW Publishing/AP]

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Hola wonkerados.

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56 comments

  1. AngryBlakGuy

    …why is Barry so serious and WALNUTS! is smiling(with suspiciously white teeth)! But I digress; what are their supers powers?

  2. El Bombastico

    I for one am anxiously awaiting the Brett Ratner-helmed adaptation of Brent Rinehart’s seminal graphic novel. Paramount has it scheduled as a 2011 summer tentpole. I hear Johnny Depp is in discussions to play County Assessor Leonard Sullivan, and Shia LeBoeuf is interested in the role of “Sodomite #2″.

  3. Walter Sobchak

    Does Barry have superpowers in this? Like the ability to balance the budget? Or kill with just a glance?

  4. AngryBlakGuy

    …and has WALNUTS! been hitting the gym? I suspect a heavy dosage of horse steroids, which would explain the roid-rage!

  5. ManchuCandidate

    Why does John McCain get the superpuffed Superhero 55″ chest look while Barry still looks like a skinny pipsqueak who couldn’t curl 70lb individual dumbbells?

  6. tunamelt

    Are there activities? Because I’m only interested if there is a foreign policy-themed crossword puzzle.

  7. Doglessliberal

    Along with the waddling children, the adults eating themselves to death, and inability to spell or speak that is evidence of the Fall of the American Empire, I would like to add that I just heard they are remaking Ghost Busters.

    Are there really no new ideas out there? Really? We have to do 70s TV shows and cartoons? There is nothing left?

  8. TGY

    Fuck me with a plastic Jesus, but Walnuts looks impossibly good in that comic. Obvs. not based on reality or possibly a bizarro-Earth thing.

  9. Scarab

    Wow, even in a cartoon his campaign had them position McCain so his swollen jowl is hidden.

  10. eyegoneblack

    On the site, why does Barry’s button say “Vote for…” and McManhandler’s just says “Buy book…”

    Barry will forever be president of… comic books?

  11. CleverDan

    A childish tantrum about comics isn’t the best way to make your point about how childish comics are…

  12. AngryBlakGuy

    …their super powers are as follow:

    Barry:
    -Super Human Strength(as displayed in his ability to curl 70lbs)
    -The ability to morph into Britney Spears and Paris Hilton
    -The Ability to be both a radical Muslim and white hating Christian at the same time
    WEAKNESS: He is Black

    WALNUTS!:
    -Rage(similar to the Hulk)
    -The ability to forget where he is and wander around aimlessly
    -The ability to regenerate body parts(i.e. the cancer that is always growing back on his face)
    WEAKNESS: Apple Sauce

  13. Enturbulator

    What a racket. Both comic books are “available for pre-sale.” Why don’t you actually create the product before I pay for it (so I can download it off thepiratebay)? Bastards.

  14. kudzu

    I was on a flight to New York last week. Sitting next to me is this guy reading a Batman comic book. I’m not one to judge people at a first glance but, I have to say, the dude fit the profile: forty-something, overweight, laden with gadgets (iPod, high-end noise-canceling headsets, Blackberry, really cool sunglasses…), bald, and wearing shorts; kinda like a rich eleven year-old.

  15. Servo

    [re=50120]Doglessliberal[/re]:
    Please tell me you’re kidding. I heard that a remake of the B-movie Deathrace 2000 is hitting the theatres soon. WTF?

  16. botlrokit

    It is awful that McCain gets a comic book that’ll only have a four edition miniseries. In fact, they should write two alternate storylines that will sell well with the bitters who then answer to a black president.

    The first one will be a tangent that suggests how McCain actually won the presidency. In that line, McCain would have won the FUCK out the Iraq War.

    The other will be an “alternate universe” concept, where McCain won the presidency back in 2000. W. ends up in a byline for a drunk-and-disorderly in Austin, and McCain wins the FUCK out of the Pakistan War.

  17. Norbert

    Barry looks angry here, like his angry black woman wife. Mccain looks like he could bomb iran and kick Russia out of the G8 with one arm tied behind his back (see page 23 of the comic)

  18. lumpenprole

    [re=50120]Doglessliberal[/re]:
    But this Ghostbusters will be brought up to date by adding a lot of torture scenes.

  19. ManchuCandidate

    [re=50153]Servo[/re]:
    Sad, but twoo.

    [re=50120]Doglessliberal[/re]:
    Even a Greatest American Hero remake.

  20. selfevaltuation

    notice how the sky is pink on the horizon behind walnuts, as if the sun is setting…
    hmm, what does that tell us?

  21. Doglessliberal

    [re=50153]Servo[/re]: I jest not. I think Will Ferrell is involved.

    [re=50165]ManchuCandidate[/re]: No. You really must be kidding.

  22. S.Luggo

    Does the comic book trace Barry’s origins back to planet Eleet-tron, after which he is adopted and raised by a Hawaiian grandmother? Or does it just begin with his days attending wine-tasting events at Yale?

    Weakness: Runny brie.
    Archenemy: Tom Joad; any hillbilly.

  23. A Geek Tragedy

    I like how if it didn’t say who they were it would be impossible to guess.

    [re=50156]botlrokit[/re]:And by “Pakistan war” you mean “Every country between Turkey and China war”, right?

  24. S.Luggo

    [re=50165]ManchuCandidate[/re]: I want to see a remake of Birth of a Nation. But this time the South loses.

  25. Doglessliberal

    [re=50200]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Somewhere above us, there must be an alien craft with a giant machine that beams down “spend enormous amounts of money making crap that won’t sell” waves. The people in charge at GM and most of the people in Hollywood are the biggest targets.

  26. trophy(forparticipation)wife

    [re=50087]weirdiowasculpture[/re]:

    sourisplusde

    I think that I can speak for Barry when I thank you for learning a second language.

    Mercy BO Coup

  27. 2goats

    [re=50120]Doglessliberal[/re]: You know, Dogless, perspective, discrimination and judgment are important. Why put “spelling” on an equal footing with the literal collapse of America under the weight of her people, or the end of democratic discourse because no one knows how to speak? America subjugated native peoples at home and around the globe, imposed our culture in place of multi-thousand year old traditions, developed the A-bomb and opened China as a market, twice, all with poor to bad spellers at the helm. Thomas Jefferson doubled the size of the country and had Merriweather Lewis assassinated, all without being able to spell or distinguish an s from an f (in double consonant situations)!

  28. Doglessliberal

    [re=50245]2goats[/re]: OK, U R rite, I m a bigit.

    And what? You have a problem with “Congreff”?

  29. Doglessliberal

    [re=50245]2goats[/re]: and I thought Merriweather Lewis died in some gay love triangle thing? Or maybe I am thinking of something else I read in the comix.

  30. Godot

    [re=50250]Doglessliberal[/re]: You are right, Thomas Jefferson threw Merriweather Lewis off the Brooklyn Bridge. Spider-Man caught him with his web, but when he pulled him up, he was already dead.

    Of course shortly thereafter, Thomas Jefferson died when he was impaled on his own glider.

    OR DID HE???

  31. shortsshortsshorts

    Wow I notice when you click on the links you get to see some really stupid shit. CLICK ON THEM.

  32. weirdiowasculpture

    [re=50094]Ken Layne[/re]: That does it; you damn kids are way too hip for me. In my day we never had colorful helium balloons with words printed on them that some hot as hell Euro-babe went around popping. We just had ordinary white balloons that rolled around on the floor until the cat got at them and popped them and then we were all “boo-hoo, the cat popped my balloon,” and then we’d sit around grieving until we fell asleep. AND WE LIKED IT!!!!

  33. Advocatus_Diaboli

    [re=50086]Delicious[/re]:
    I was thinking more like 300 explosions with Larry Craig and Mark Foley, if you know what I mean.

  34. kizmets_adjutant

    Le mouseover est en français parce que ce sont les paroles à une chanson de Gainsbourg, Comic Strip, I think.

  35. Schadenfried

    [re=50125]TGY[/re]: “Fuck me with a plastic Jesus,”

    I’m flabbergasted, never have I seen Jesus’ name taken in such vain.

    I’m stealing that from you!

    On topic. This looks like Aaron McGruder’s handiwork, even though he’s pretty much quit the comic game.

  36. Schadenfried

    [re=50277]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: “His epic battle with Senator Hilary Clinton…”

    Does that mean she was Dr. Girlfriend to WALNUTS’ Monarch?

  37. Liberty

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TnvbgMdbinM

    this is a cool video. come on guys, democrats aren’t any better than repubicans for the most part. this whole left/right thing is so transparent. i say lets eliminate all in the house and senate who 1.voted for the iraq war. 2. voted for the patriot act 3. has had extramarital affairs.

    have any of you heard of the national id card? the plan is that you can’t ride planes, trains, or public buses, go into gov. buildings or have a bank account unless you have one. i went to barack obama’s senate website and checked his voting record. he didn’t vote on h.r.418. which included the national id card. whats next a microchip in your arm?

    how do we know how he feels on this issue? check out who voted yea/no:

    http://thomas.loc.gov/cgi-bin/bdquery/z?d109:h.r.00418:

    also, anyone see the cbs report of protester “concentration camps” in denver? a CBS news crew has uncovered a huge warehouse holding facility in denver, consisting of steel cages topped with barbed wire, ready to receive thousands of protesters at this year’s democratic national convention.
    the video link for abc news report is here:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oQEc3ejHIaM

    there is also a similar concentration camp in minnisota, ready to recieve peace loving american citizens for the republican national debate late august and ron paul’s rally for the republic.

    this isn’t the first time camps like this have been used. in 2004 during the rnc in boston and 2004 at the rnc in ny. this is becomming nationwide epidemic. lets speak out about this people! write your congresswomen/men and your representatives!

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