Wonkette
By the Comics Curmudgeon
Like everyone in the liberal media, your Wonkette has been following every minute detail of the ascension of our next president, Barry Jesus Obama. But did you know that there needs to be an “election” before Obama can become president, and that there is another person also seeking this high office? His name is “John McCain,” and it seems that he was in a war [Korea? Philippine Insurrection? Research! --Eds] and maybe also in Congress. In our attempt to bring you complete coverage of Obama’s election, we are presenting all the information currently available on this elusive McCain individual. There are no known photographs of McCain, possibly because his primitive cultural beliefs forbid them, but we at least have these crude depictions from America’s political cartoonists.
John McCain is a tiny, dwarfish man, though whether a result of the primitive understanding of nutrition in the distant time of his rearing or of some genetic abnormality we cannot say. The disproportional hugeness of a his bald, jowly skull points towards the latter explanation, however. What is known is that his staff enjoys building whimsical little replicas of the sorts of things that normal humans use, such as the “McCain-sized” lectern, complete with microphone, that you can see here.
McCain is so short, in fact, that he can easily be picked up and toted about without mechanical assistance of any sort. His staffers use this feature as a selling point, noting that his “pleasing portability” will make it cheaper to transport him overseas for diplomatic trips. However, as you can see here, those who do hoist the diminutive candidate soon find themselves becoming quite angry, presumably because he’s irritating in some way when encountered at close quarters.
Like lovable Yoda from the Star Wars films, John McCain is not only tiny but unfathomably old. Unlike Yoda, though, McCain is not a CGI construct, but is rather made of wrinkly, liver-spotted flesh. Like many old people, McCain frequently puts on clothes that are far too large and/or situationally inappropriate and wanders around aimlessly, demanding attention.
What are McCain’s mating habits like? While the sex life of this shy, retiring creature has never been captured on film, here we see an artist’s depiction of what most biologists believe to be McCain’s primary mating behavior: hot, hot phone sex with Mitt Romney. If actual Mitt Romney is not available, McCain must sometimes resort to the Romney impersonators at 1-900-SEX-MITT.
John McCain fell down a flight of stairs, broke his neck, and died sometime last week. The liberal media failed to cover this incident, because Barack Obama was doing something more interesting.
You forget, the original Yoda was, in fact, a puppet. He only became CGI in the second go-around. Coincidence? I don’t think so.
in addition, mccain’s left hand is also horribly disfigured, a la oswald cobblepot.
Question: Are your “SEX-MITTS” available in right and left handed versions?
The grimace and hip positioning of the Jolie half of Brangelina makes her look like she is delivering way more than twins.
These cartoons are sexist.
- Hillary/ Chelsea ‘08!
Hey Mr Cartoonist guy. Don’t mock my dream. I’d like to be adopted by Angelina, too. I could pass as a foreigns (screw you Maddox!) and like being breast fed. On the other, I’m not crazy about Brad Pitt as my daddy and Jon Voight as my pop pop.
I’m disappointed none of the cartoonists riffed on “Werthers Originals”…
freakishlystrong: They obviously don’t read teh wonkette
I totally love the idea of Romney trying to convince McCain to choose him by trying to impersonate his rabidly Mormon-hating mom.
Just in case you’ve forgotten how much mommy McCain loves Mormons.
Few things are funnier than the real McCain.
Now, I may have totally misinterpreted #1, Iknow they were all holding very black cameras up to the sides of their heads but that, plus the otherwise flightsuited teletubby like creatures showing no skin, but I saw a row of very black faces, and I’m not sure it wasn’t deliberate.
but, I’m probably just stoned.
The t-shirt cartoon would have been better with the addition of Dubya and changing the t-shirt to an “I’m with Stupid” with two arrows.
This post has suspiciously moved up to #1 after it was overtaken by Sara & Jim’s posts and suffered from low levels of comment action. Is this a form of “tell the people what they want”?
I really, really do not want the “sex life of this shy, retiring creature” to ever be captured on film. NONONO!
“His name is “John McCain,” and it seems that he was in a war”
The War of 1812 was truly brutal for everyone involved. If it weren’t for honorable men like John McCain, we never would have acheived the Treaty of Ghent.
Arrogant fucks claim the “media aren’t covering this” instead of the media “isn’t covering this” as if each news outlet deserves individual distinction.
There was a war in Congress? Neat!
wanders around aimlessly, demanding attention.
Finally! Something McCain and I have in common!
John McCain fell down a flight of stairs, broke his neck, and died
Who? Sorry, I was too busy watching Obama to catch that.
The media may not be covering McCain, but they do seem to be covering the fact that they’re NOT covering him.
its true, we suck…
i spent all afternoon writing a psycho-sexual analysis of John ‘Severen’ McCains implicit humiliation at the hands of the ‘white bitch goddess’… as part and parcel of HER submission to THE BLACK ONE…
as a consequence i not only forgot to comment on this post….but also forgot to do any work whatsoever…
so, in order to do my part, i would like to say that McCain IS rather short, and that i think more cartoons should show him in the kennels with the rest of the ‘mutts’….possibly even wearing a collar that says…Bad Poodle…
Now here’s a caricaturist’s dilema: do I root for the candidate with the satellite dishes for ears, or do I put my money on the one with the ballsack hanging from his face? Cartoonists are lazy humans like you and me and I suggest will choose the former because they’ll draw Barry faster and can then get back to their opium pipes, er…research, more swiftly.
Depends / Magic Undies 08
unless, of course, we prefer a cunt in the VP spot - in which case we should go with Carly F
she has proven that she can drive a company into the ground and spy on the the employees
so she would really be able to follow in the NeoCon agenda
shortsshortsshorts: Next you’ll be telling me it’s arrogant to say the plural of octopus is octopodes, or the singluar of Obama is Obamum. I’ve not seen a single medium get that right.
anabellum:
comic genius…sometimes it’s obvious…
iwillsavethispatient: NO SILLY it’s “the medias isn’t covering all this.”
tsunami: comic genius?…hell, its pure genius…
this is why McCain will either commit auto-erotic suicide before the election…or strangle Cindy/Paris/Brittney on camera…
the suicide will, of course, involve the use of a three foot long black dildo….probably made out of rebar, chicken-wire, and old inner tubes…
anabellum: oops…im thinking i misunderstood internet traditions, yet again…
anabellum: Baaad Poodle!!!!
He looks like a POTATO, not Yoda.
shortsshortsshorts: Ain’t no medias covering all this?
populucious: His sex life involves lots of jowls rubbing up against various Cindyparts. You really don’t want to see that.
New name: McCLOWN.
McCLOWN is running for class clown.
No-class clown, I mean.
Krusty McClown, that is.
I have nothing to add, except that that’s possibly the ugliest version of Brangelina I’ve seen.
The woman posing as McCain’s mom is actually his first high school girlfriend. Fact. Either that or the most alert 120-year old not featured in the bible.
NotUrEvryDayWEzl: Is it even possible that every cartoonist/commentator/pundit doesn’t start the day with Wonkette?
Those who don’t must be the ones who either can’t read or haven’t figured out this interweb thing.
iwillsavethispatient: None medias aren’t not covering these for us peoplz!
Please stop calling McFlipFlop short!
The politically correct terms are either Vertically Challenged, or Height Impaired.
And to those that joke about his having a young blonde alcohol industry related rich wife?
If you could breathe through your ears, you could have one of your own.
http://boskolives.wordpress.com
Actually, I think what the media is going to play this during these next months is as a nineteenth century minstrel show because, at heart, that’s how the American electorate thinks. It’s a contest between Zip, the slick urban dandy and the fuming Old Massa. Cue the banjos and the tambourines.
Youth and flashy personalities are not always the best ticket. I hope that those OB diehards don’t live to regret their choices.