ANNALS OF REAL ESTATE  12:12 pm July 31, 2008

The Bushes Are House Hunting In Dallas!

by Sara K. Smith

'I've always wanted a house I could eat'It’s easy to forget that some other guy was president before the McCain/Obama joint rulership of America began. The other guy’s name was “George Bush,” and he flew around the world dancing with the natives and bombing nonexistent nuke installations. But now that Dick Cheney has tired of operating the chip in his brain, George Bush needs a new place to live, so he has dispatched his wife to investigate every cavernous tacky 7,000-square-foot limestone piece of shit in the greater Dallas area. Let’s explore the possibilities, together.

Hey, this isn’t even limestone! FAIL. The wine cellar would be nice, though, for somebody who isn’t a recovering drunk. Maybe they can stash the bodies down there? Or the exercise bikes?

This one is perfect, for people who only exist in two dimensions. It also reportedly has “steam showers,” for sexytime. But it’s only 5,800 square feet — not nearly large enough for the presidential porn stash and the Cheetos Vault.

That's not Constitutional!Now this house … this would be perfect, except they’d have to evict Ron Paul first.

Presidential House Hunt [Newsweek]

Related video

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.


ManchuCandidate July 31, 2008 at 12:13 pm

Where’s the Condi “guest” room?

Terry July 31, 2008 at 12:14 pm

The trip to Dallas is a ruse. They’re going to Paraguay.

AngryBlakGuy July 31, 2008 at 12:18 pm

…I think this would be much more appropriate!

SayItWithWookies July 31, 2008 at 12:18 pm

I think this would be appropriate.

Q2 July 31, 2008 at 12:18 pm

Were is the Rec(tum) Torture Room?

Serolf Divad July 31, 2008 at 12:19 pm

Bullshit… this is a just distraction so we don’t notice their operatives scouting out villas in Paraguay.

magic titty July 31, 2008 at 12:19 pm

Me hears Dealey Plaza is this this time of year.


tunamelt July 31, 2008 at 12:20 pm

God, I hope they like ranch houses and a fucking endless expanse of nothing.

WhatTheHeck July 31, 2008 at 12:20 pm

But how big is the library room going to be?

queeraselvis v 2.0 July 31, 2008 at 12:21 pm

[re=48845]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Perfect! It even has a high budget deficit, so Shrub would feel right at home.

Q2 July 31, 2008 at 12:21 pm

Ah! I see some of his “friends” are already hanging around the place!

edgydrifter July 31, 2008 at 12:22 pm

[re=48839]ManchuCandidate[/re]: She shares a Tuff-Shed in the backyard with Harriet Miers.

The Incomparable Tiny Valdez July 31, 2008 at 12:23 pm

Why Dallas? Not enough “culture” in Crawford?

freakishlystrong July 31, 2008 at 12:23 pm

[re=48852]WhatTheHeck[/re]: The libary will be big enough for “My Pet Goat”..and no more.

SayItWithWookies July 31, 2008 at 12:23 pm

[re=48844]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: You’re not thinking like an emperor.

Darehead July 31, 2008 at 12:23 pm

Meh. Pitch a tent on a grassy knoll.

shortsshortsshorts July 31, 2008 at 12:24 pm

We have a nice sewage plant I’m sure they would love, soon to be named in His honor, for Him. Amen.

tunamelt July 31, 2008 at 12:25 pm

In all honesty, this is great. It is just one more reason never to again visit the suburban hellhole that is Dallas.

edgydrifter July 31, 2008 at 12:26 pm

[re=48852]WhatTheHeck[/re]: Just big enough for a shitter with a stack of Boys Life magazines on the tank.

Johnny Zhivago July 31, 2008 at 12:26 pm

[re=48845]SayItWithWookies[/re]: This is even better:

ManchuCandidate July 31, 2008 at 12:26 pm

That’s not a threesome (with W) I want to believe in.

Darehead July 31, 2008 at 12:26 pm

[re=48859]The Incomparable Tiny Valdez[/re]: Dallas has a better airport for all the trips they will take to Den Haag (The Hague), where they, W anyway, will keep a second residence (a little smaller….)

OuterBoroughPrincess July 31, 2008 at 12:27 pm

It reads better like this–”But now that dick, Cheney has tired of operating the chip in his brain . . .”

V572625694 July 31, 2008 at 12:28 pm

Wait, wasn’t George Bush a rancher, who would retire to Crawford? Oh…I guess he was a rancher the same way he was an oilman, and a student, and a president: a big fat fucking failure.

WadISay July 31, 2008 at 12:29 pm

I am betting Bush engineered the whole collapse of the housing market so he could get a better deal on some big piece of junk.

Borat July 31, 2008 at 12:30 pm

But why pick ‘merika? there are plenty of countries in need of leaderhip. Zimbabwe and Equitorial Guinea come to mind. Maybe even Cuba (the real part not just G-bay)? Anywhere else better?

uncletravelingmatt July 31, 2008 at 12:32 pm

Now who’s gonna cut all the damned brush?

ChernobylSoup July 31, 2008 at 12:34 pm

[re=48876]WadISay[/re]: Sorry, but that would imply he succeeded at something intentionally. I refuse to believe.

AngryBlakGuy July 31, 2008 at 12:34 pm

…ok, ok, ok all snark aside! Does this sociopath REAAAALLY think he is going to fade into the populace and live a normal post presidential life? For that matter does Dick Cheney think the same? I’m assuming this is all for show and this S.O.B. is going to make a bee line for the U.A.E. or Saudi Arabia as soon as he leaves office. The whole Paraguay conspiracy sounds a little fishy to me, namely because its proximity and dependence on the U.S. If the U.S. wanted someone who was in Paraguay(extradition treaty or not) they are going to get them end of story.

SayItWithWookies July 31, 2008 at 12:35 pm

[re=48871]Johnny Zhivago[/re]: Waaay too much possibility of escape. Wellington would just have to chase his ass all over Europe again.

[re=48876]WadISay[/re]: Bush did something that worked? I’m not buying it.

Gopherit v2.0 July 31, 2008 at 12:36 pm

He needs to make sure whatever home he buys had been repossessed in the sub-prime debacle….then the story will be complete.

Q2 July 31, 2008 at 12:37 pm

[re=48877]Borat[/re]: Here

edgydrifter July 31, 2008 at 12:38 pm

[re=48877]Borat[/re]: How ’bout Turkmenistan? They’ve been adrift without a rudder since their glorious Presi-god kicked the bucket. Here’s a description from The Economist:

“Ashgabat, the capital, is a surreal showpiece of grandiose, neo-Stalinist buildings of gleaming white marble, with giant portraits and gold statues of [Bush] everywhere—including one, arms aloft, that constantly revolves through 360 degrees, so that it always faces the sun. Behind the glitz lies a grim reality; rutted tracks leading from four-lane highways to windowless, one-room homes, including converted railway containers, surrounded by debris and animals.”

Freakin’ beautiful, man. It would suit W perfectly.

AfghanVet July 31, 2008 at 12:39 pm

All I can envision is good ol’ W out in the front yard drinking beer a la Hank Hill and his neighbors.

anabellum July 31, 2008 at 12:39 pm

i agree, this is a ruse…none of the possible homes shown come anywhere near meeting security requirements…

im sure this structure could easily be renovated…and theres room for all the family and friends…

magic titty July 31, 2008 at 12:39 pm

[re=48848]magic titty[/re]: arrrgh. that was, “Dealey Plaza is *nice* this time of year.”


Anonymous Office Zombie July 31, 2008 at 12:40 pm

The wine cellar is for Bush’s own private Gitmo dungeon where he’ll spend his declining years “heroically fighing a one-man-war on Terror” torturing Arabs while wearing his flight suit and screaming all the while, “WHO’S THE DECIDER! WHO’S THE DECIDER!”

magic titty July 31, 2008 at 12:40 pm

[re=48876]WadISay[/re]: nice!

Iggy Plop July 31, 2008 at 12:41 pm

I have a home for W. In jail. In my fantasy of a world that has justice and accountability. That’s totally unrealizable. Sigh. I’ll just be glad when he fades a bit from public view so I can stop getting angry every time that smug idiotic face shows up in the media.

thefrontpage July 31, 2008 at 12:42 pm

Seriously, why not live on your sprawling 1,200-acre ranch? Why waste money on some place in Dallas (that is not putting down Dallas, which is a great city!). It’s just that, well, not many of us, in general, have 1,200-acre ranches. And if we did, you can bet that we would live on them. Forget the money, forget the priviledge and “because they can” stuff. If you have a ranch—live on it!

Or, you can rent out the space to some folks who can’t afford it.

masterdebater July 31, 2008 at 12:42 pm

This is tough for Mr. and Mrs. Bush. They are going to Dallas, but they want something classy. Not just any old trailer will do. They have to get one of those double wides, then you have to think about location, because he has allowed the good citizens of Texass to pollute the whole damn state…and you know, he is going to need a well and septic system (Laura isn’t using an out house anymore, after going in those nice White House bathrooms). It’s tough. They’ll probably just go back to the ranch in Crawford until he gets the inevitable subpoena from the Hague.

weirdiowasculpture July 31, 2008 at 12:43 pm

How ’bout a nice cozy spider hole in Iraq?

magic titty July 31, 2008 at 12:43 pm

Did they lose their keys to the gates of heaven?

toastandlove July 31, 2008 at 12:47 pm

I’m gonna poop in his yard, every day.

Darehead July 31, 2008 at 12:47 pm

[re=48899]Iggy Plop[/re]: Yaaah, see my post above. The Hague. Hopefully, Bush, Dick and Rummy will all be there.

Delicious July 31, 2008 at 12:48 pm

[re=48884]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: We’ll be too busy sniffing Barry’s rainbow farts to worry about war criminals and such.

Mmm. Lavender.

Redhead July 31, 2008 at 12:50 pm

… Wait, why is he going back to Texas? Don’t they execute the mentally retarded there?

Scarab July 31, 2008 at 12:53 pm

Not retiring at the Crawford Ranch? You mean that photo prop thought up by Karl Rove to convince the rubes that W was a regular bush-clearing rancher and not a rich, effete ex-cheerleader from Yale? What a surprise.
I hear they’re going to put Barney down too.

peorgietirebiter July 31, 2008 at 12:59 pm

Silly Redhead, not if your white and I know because I’m still here… and still white. If the Wonketteers post some addresses I’d be happy to take some snaps of the neighbors and local color…or lack there of. And don’t bother with the “show some ambition” crap. Make it easy or go fish.
Proud Dallasian

Mumble Softly July 31, 2008 at 1:00 pm

Nice quote from the article:

“Laura’s father was a homebuilder, and she does enjoy the homebuilding process,” says Evans, who’s spoken with builders who’ve worked with the Bushes in the past. “She’s wonderful to work with and very direct.”

“She’s wonderful to work with and very direct.” — can also be read as : “Hey Guillermo, your boys better clean up that drywall mess you made right quick before I have your illegal mexican asses hauled off by Immigration. MUCHAS GRACIAS (followed by stupifying grin)

yellowdogdem July 31, 2008 at 1:01 pm

[re=48900]thefrontpage[/re]: Dubya never intended to stay in Crawford. That was just to show he’s a real Texan (which of course he’s not; even his accent is fake). “Gotta clear some brush for the cameras.” I read that Laura made the decision to move. I think it went something like: “If you think I’m ever going back to that Godforsaken hellhole, you’re sadly mistaken, Mister!”

Cape Clod July 31, 2008 at 1:03 pm

Their buying in Dallas so that W can be close to that ‘Fabulous Freedom Institute’ he plans to build and then get bored of in a week.

lilblackcorvette July 31, 2008 at 1:04 pm

There was a time I could watch Bush speak with out cringing. I would feel so bad for him. Now i just don’t watch. I am already there with McCain. See No Stupid, Hear No Stupid. Still working on the “speak” part.

pinko-commie July 31, 2008 at 1:05 pm

[re=48905]toastandlove[/re]: Can I send you my poop to put in his yard, too? Your poop alone may not be enough.

masterdebater July 31, 2008 at 1:07 pm

[re=48916]peorgietirebiter[/re]: Hey, will you let me know if anyone is stupid enough to post their real address on a blog? I have this real estate deal I am trying to sell. Oh, and by the way, if they do post their real address, they’re probably from Texas.

trophy(forparticipation)wife July 31, 2008 at 1:14 pm

[re=48900]thefrontpage[/re]: But they’ve “been on governm’nt pay now fer fourteen years.”

S.Luggo July 31, 2008 at 1:15 pm

[re=48893]edgydrifter[/re]: What happens at noon? Does the statue of the Beloved Leader go crazy?

S.Luggo July 31, 2008 at 1:18 pm

[re=48875]V572625694[/re]: You omitted: the same way he was a jet pilot during ‘Nam.

Garble July 31, 2008 at 1:19 pm

You mean he’s not gonna return to his Ranch Playset in Crawford?

Norbert July 31, 2008 at 1:23 pm

i heard Jimmy Carter is building them a home in the 9th ward of New Orleans.

peorgietirebiter July 31, 2008 at 1:30 pm

[re=48941]masterdebater[/re]: wow! good point… er… what’s your point? I was suggesting that if the wonkette had some specific addresses or neighborhoods I would take some fun photos for them.
and by the way Einstein… millions of people post their real addresses online everyday, you see, when people put their homes up for sale most potential buyers pretty much insist on the REAL address.
I KNOW.. it’s crazy! Now, back to your hobby pud boy and please let me know when you have another rapier like rejoinder about Texas.
Proud Dallasian

ReelectTilden July 31, 2008 at 1:33 pm

His house in the Harold and Kumar sequel was pretty cool. Of course, the President in that movie was pretty cool, too, so go figure.

PioBaroja July 31, 2008 at 1:35 pm

[re=48996]peorgietirebiter[/re]: This is why I now live in Fort Worth. Whatever else it may lack, and it lacks a whole lot, it will at least lack George W. Bush and his zombie librarian. Let them stay in Highland Park. I don’t see why they don’t just live atop their liberry, like Clinton does when he’s chasing fat chicks in Little Rock. Oh, and, forgive the correction, but when I lived there we referred to ourselves as Dallasites.

Love the name btw…not enough people hold the Firesign Theater in high esteem.

Botswana Meat Commission FC July 31, 2008 at 1:41 pm

There goes Dallas.

Haha. J/K. Dallas has always sucked.

kudzu July 31, 2008 at 1:42 pm

I hope the adjustable-rate mortgage and the equity line of credit they’re gonna get on this thing fucks them up so badly they have to switch from Wal-Mart to Goodwill for their shopping.

peorgietirebiter July 31, 2008 at 1:46 pm

[re=48901]masterdebater[/re]: Stop it, your killin’ me! double wides & septic tanks! Oscar Wilde’s got nothin’ on you man. but please favor us with the locale of your summer residence… I really want to know where one goes to mingle with bon vivants such as yourself.

sarcasticusername July 31, 2008 at 1:52 pm

have the good people of dallas started protesting this decision yet? having criminals in the neighborhood sure can bring property values down.

peorgietirebiter July 31, 2008 at 1:57 pm

[re=49004]PioBaroja[/re]: I just use Dallasian to be contrary and I couldn’t agree with you more about The Firesign Theater. I grew up in L.A. and saw them often. All the best and always remember…
Don’t Crush That Dwarf, Hand Me The Pliers

peorgietirebiter July 31, 2008 at 2:03 pm

[re=49020]sarcasticusername[/re]: I assure you we would- but the “free speech zones” are miles from the city and completely without facilities. Currently, I’m actively considering a strong letter.

btwbfdimho July 31, 2008 at 2:07 pm

[re=49004]PioBaroja[/re]: This is why I now live in Fort Worth. Whatever else it may lack,
and it lacks a whole lot

Hey, Ft. Worth lacks air conditioner, for sure, but what else? Having the Cultural District, the Botanic Garden and
Central Market, I don’t miss anything here. And we’re gonna have an Apple store soon!

lawnchair July 31, 2008 at 2:10 pm

Jeessh. I remember everyone going on about Bush’s ranch house being so energy efficient compared to Al Gore’s McMansion. Which is true (Al, your house uses 45 times the electricity mine does… I’m hoping your son has one hell of a grow op). But, it’s not like Bush actually *lived* at his ranch house or ever intended to do so.

Anita Cocktail July 31, 2008 at 2:21 pm

They need a place with a bomb shelter. That way, when Iran bombs us all, they can keep the radioactive mutants at bay behind the steel-reinforced door….

pat robertsons personal trainer July 31, 2008 at 2:41 pm

yeah, my family members from dallas refer to themselves as dallasites. but then again, my folks aren’t asian–and maybe dallasian is some kind of cutesy conjunction.

on another note, i can’t wait for that douche to revert back to playing golf in a restricted club, swilling shitty beer, being an all-hat no-cattle fake Texan but a real alcoholic asshole that he always was. he’ll never set foot on a “ranch” again in his life, and just go back to being exactly like every other WASP dallas cliche. if his base wasn’t so fucking stupid maybe they’d recognize his retirement as a total affront to every single one of them. then again, these people believe he was chosen by god and hasn’t been mercilessly fucking their best interests his entire life. jeebus, i really hope he runs for gov’ner again.

V572625694 July 31, 2008 at 2:54 pm

[re=48971]S.Luggo[/re]: Defending America’s southern frontier in a state-of-the-art (and non-deployable-to-Vietnam) F-102, that’s our preznit.

SystemError July 31, 2008 at 3:06 pm

Those places are in Highland Park, not Dallas. Kinda like saying you live in Washington DC when you live in Bethesda.

Dallas is the can’t do city. Can’t build a stadium for the NFL team that bears it’s name, and can’t even get Bush to live there.

Wee Mousie July 31, 2008 at 3:14 pm

Pity they are so set on Dallas, cause there’s a nice little fixer-upper in San Antonio, with just the right kind of anti immigration background this Commander-in-Theif could appreciate.

Jukesgrrl July 31, 2008 at 5:13 pm

I hope there’s a wing for Jenna and her babies when they finally figure out about Henry.

mothermaven July 31, 2008 at 6:11 pm

How about this listing? Why wouldn’t the liberator retire in the region he himself had liberated?

Borat July 31, 2008 at 6:24 pm

[re=48893]edgydrifter[/re]: this sounds like my own little version of paradise. I’m packin by bags to turkmenistan

Borat July 31, 2008 at 6:25 pm

anyone know how house prices are holding up in Dallas. Maybe they should rent a 2-bet apartment for like 2-3 years until prices hit rock bottom. that’s what I would do.

peorgietirebiter July 31, 2008 at 6:39 pm

[re=49139]pat robertsons personal trainer[/re]: okay, i give up. i’m not asian and yes it is Dallasite, i made it up.

Boo_Boo_Hoff July 31, 2008 at 6:53 pm

[re=49587]peorgietirebiter[/re]: Hubba, hubba, George! Nice suit!

Scooter July 31, 2008 at 8:20 pm

I feel sorry for the horses on the Crawford ranch. No doubt they’ll really miss watching Georgie pedal off like crazy on his bikey whenever they sneak up behind him. He’s the only cowboy I know who’s afraid of horses, cattle and probably even his own effin shadow.

Scooter July 31, 2008 at 8:27 pm

And if I were you peorgie, I wouldn’t waste my time blogging. I’d be upstairs helping Ursula make the bed!! “Coming, Mother!!!!” ;-)

peorgietirebiter August 1, 2008 at 1:41 pm

You mean Porcelain the maid, time to put the two-tones thru the floorboard, it’s not every day a guy graduates from high school.

peorgietirebiter August 1, 2008 at 1:43 pm

[re=49598]Boo_Boo_Hoff[/re]: That boy’s shenanigans are going to cost me the election… and stop calling me George, my name’s Adolf!

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: