annals of real estate

The Bushes Are House Hunting In Dallas!

'I've always wanted a house I could eat'It’s easy to forget that some other guy was president before the McCain/Obama joint rulership of America began. The other guy’s name was “George Bush,” and he flew around the world dancing with the natives and bombing nonexistent nuke installations. But now that Dick Cheney has tired of operating the chip in his brain, George Bush needs a new place to live, so he has dispatched his wife to investigate every cavernous tacky 7,000-square-foot limestone piece of shit in the greater Dallas area. Let’s explore the possibilities, together.

Hey, this isn’t even limestone! FAIL. The wine cellar would be nice, though, for somebody who isn’t a recovering drunk. Maybe they can stash the bodies down there? Or the exercise bikes?


This one is perfect, for people who only exist in two dimensions. It also reportedly has “steam showers,” for sexytime. But it’s only 5,800 square feet — not nearly large enough for the presidential porn stash and the Cheetos Vault.

That's not Constitutional!Now this house … this would be perfect, except they’d have to evict Ron Paul first.

Presidential House Hunt [Newsweek]

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About the author

Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

View all articles by Sara K. Smith

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1 comment

  1. Serolf Divad

    Bullshit… this is a just distraction so we don’t notice their operatives scouting out villas in Paraguay.

  2. queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=48845]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Perfect! It even has a high budget deficit, so Shrub would feel right at home.

  3. edgydrifter

    [re=48839]ManchuCandidate[/re]: She shares a Tuff-Shed in the backyard with Harriet Miers.

  4. freakishlystrong

    [re=48852]WhatTheHeck[/re]: The libary will be big enough for “My Pet Goat”..and no more.

  5. shortsshortsshorts

    We have a nice sewage plant I’m sure they would love, soon to be named in His honor, for Him. Amen.

  6. tunamelt

    In all honesty, this is great. It is just one more reason never to again visit the suburban hellhole that is Dallas.

  7. edgydrifter

    [re=48852]WhatTheHeck[/re]: Just big enough for a shitter with a stack of Boys Life magazines on the tank.

  8. ManchuCandidate

    [re=48858]edgydrifter[/re]:
    That’s not a threesome (with W) I want to believe in.

  9. Darehead

    [re=48859]The Incomparable Tiny Valdez[/re]: Dallas has a better airport for all the trips they will take to Den Haag (The Hague), where they, W anyway, will keep a second residence (a little smaller….)

  10. OuterBoroughPrincess

    It reads better like this–”But now that dick, Cheney has tired of operating the chip in his brain . . .”

  11. V572625694

    Wait, wasn’t George Bush a rancher, who would retire to Crawford? Oh…I guess he was a rancher the same way he was an oilman, and a student, and a president: a big fat fucking failure.

  12. WadISay

    I am betting Bush engineered the whole collapse of the housing market so he could get a better deal on some big piece of junk.

  13. Borat

    But why pick ‘merika? there are plenty of countries in need of leaderhip. Zimbabwe and Equitorial Guinea come to mind. Maybe even Cuba (the real part not just G-bay)? Anywhere else better?

  14. ChernobylSoup

    [re=48876]WadISay[/re]: Sorry, but that would imply he succeeded at something intentionally. I refuse to believe.

  15. AngryBlakGuy

    …ok, ok, ok all snark aside! Does this sociopath REAAAALLY think he is going to fade into the populace and live a normal post presidential life? For that matter does Dick Cheney think the same? I’m assuming this is all for show and this S.O.B. is going to make a bee line for the U.A.E. or Saudi Arabia as soon as he leaves office. The whole Paraguay conspiracy sounds a little fishy to me, namely because its proximity and dependence on the U.S. If the U.S. wanted someone who was in Paraguay(extradition treaty or not) they are going to get them end of story.

  16. SayItWithWookies

    [re=48871]Johnny Zhivago[/re]: Waaay too much possibility of escape. Wellington would just have to chase his ass all over Europe again.

    [re=48876]WadISay[/re]: Bush did something that worked? I’m not buying it.

  17. Gopherit v2.0

    He needs to make sure whatever home he buys had been repossessed in the sub-prime debacle….then the story will be complete.

  18. edgydrifter

    [re=48877]Borat[/re]: How ’bout Turkmenistan? They’ve been adrift without a rudder since their glorious Presi-god kicked the bucket. Here’s a description from The Economist:

    “Ashgabat, the capital, is a surreal showpiece of grandiose, neo-Stalinist buildings of gleaming white marble, with giant portraits and gold statues of [Bush] everywhere—including one, arms aloft, that constantly revolves through 360 degrees, so that it always faces the sun. Behind the glitz lies a grim reality; rutted tracks leading from four-lane highways to windowless, one-room homes, including converted railway containers, surrounded by debris and animals.”

    Freakin’ beautiful, man. It would suit W perfectly.

  19. AfghanVet

    All I can envision is good ol’ W out in the front yard drinking beer a la Hank Hill and his neighbors.

  20. magic titty

    [re=48848]magic titty[/re]: arrrgh. that was, “Dealey Plaza is *nice* this time of year.”

    Dammitall.

  21. Anonymous Office Zombie

    The wine cellar is for Bush’s own private Gitmo dungeon where he’ll spend his declining years “heroically fighing a one-man-war on Terror” torturing Arabs while wearing his flight suit and screaming all the while, “WHO’S THE DECIDER! WHO’S THE DECIDER!”

  22. Iggy Plop

    I have a home for W. In jail. In my fantasy of a world that has justice and accountability. That’s totally unrealizable. Sigh. I’ll just be glad when he fades a bit from public view so I can stop getting angry every time that smug idiotic face shows up in the media.

  23. thefrontpage

    Seriously, why not live on your sprawling 1,200-acre ranch? Why waste money on some place in Dallas (that is not putting down Dallas, which is a great city!). It’s just that, well, not many of us, in general, have 1,200-acre ranches. And if we did, you can bet that we would live on them. Forget the money, forget the priviledge and “because they can” stuff. If you have a ranch—live on it!

    Or, you can rent out the space to some folks who can’t afford it.

  24. masterdebater

    This is tough for Mr. and Mrs. Bush. They are going to Dallas, but they want something classy. Not just any old trailer will do. They have to get one of those double wides, then you have to think about location, because he has allowed the good citizens of Texass to pollute the whole damn state…and you know, he is going to need a well and septic system (Laura isn’t using an out house anymore, after going in those nice White House bathrooms). It’s tough. They’ll probably just go back to the ranch in Crawford until he gets the inevitable subpoena from the Hague.

  25. Darehead

    [re=48899]Iggy Plop[/re]: Yaaah, see my post above. The Hague. Hopefully, Bush, Dick and Rummy will all be there.

  26. Delicious

    [re=48884]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: We’ll be too busy sniffing Barry’s rainbow farts to worry about war criminals and such.

    Mmm. Lavender.

  27. Redhead

    … Wait, why is he going back to Texas? Don’t they execute the mentally retarded there?

  28. Scarab

    Not retiring at the Crawford Ranch? You mean that photo prop thought up by Karl Rove to convince the rubes that W was a regular bush-clearing rancher and not a rich, effete ex-cheerleader from Yale? What a surprise.
    I hear they’re going to put Barney down too.

  29. peorgietirebiter

    Silly Redhead, not if your white and I know because I’m still here… and still white. If the Wonketteers post some addresses I’d be happy to take some snaps of the neighbors and local color…or lack there of. And don’t bother with the “show some ambition” crap. Make it easy or go fish.
    Proud Dallasian

  30. Mumble Softly

    Nice quote from the article:

    “Laura’s father was a homebuilder, and she does enjoy the homebuilding process,” says Evans, who’s spoken with builders who’ve worked with the Bushes in the past. “She’s wonderful to work with and very direct.”

    “She’s wonderful to work with and very direct.” — can also be read as : “Hey Guillermo, your boys better clean up that drywall mess you made right quick before I have your illegal mexican asses hauled off by Immigration. MUCHAS GRACIAS (followed by stupifying grin)

  31. yellowdogdem

    [re=48900]thefrontpage[/re]: Dubya never intended to stay in Crawford. That was just to show he’s a real Texan (which of course he’s not; even his accent is fake). “Gotta clear some brush for the cameras.” I read that Laura made the decision to move. I think it went something like: “If you think I’m ever going back to that Godforsaken hellhole, you’re sadly mistaken, Mister!”

  32. Cape Clod

    Their buying in Dallas so that W can be close to that ‘Fabulous Freedom Institute’ he plans to build and then get bored of in a week.

  33. lilblackcorvette

    There was a time I could watch Bush speak with out cringing. I would feel so bad for him. Now i just don’t watch. I am already there with McCain. See No Stupid, Hear No Stupid. Still working on the “speak” part.

  34. pinko-commie

    [re=48905]toastandlove[/re]: Can I send you my poop to put in his yard, too? Your poop alone may not be enough.

  35. masterdebater

    [re=48916]peorgietirebiter[/re]: Hey, will you let me know if anyone is stupid enough to post their real address on a blog? I have this real estate deal I am trying to sell. Oh, and by the way, if they do post their real address, they’re probably from Texas.

  36. trophy(forparticipation)wife

    [re=48900]thefrontpage[/re]: But they’ve “been on governm’nt pay now fer fourteen years.”

  37. S.Luggo

    [re=48893]edgydrifter[/re]: What happens at noon? Does the statue of the Beloved Leader go crazy?

  38. S.Luggo

    [re=48875]V572625694[/re]: You omitted: the same way he was a jet pilot during ‘Nam.

  39. peorgietirebiter

    [re=48941]masterdebater[/re]: wow! good point… er… what’s your point? I was suggesting that if the wonkette had some specific addresses or neighborhoods I would take some fun photos for them.
    and by the way Einstein… millions of people post their real addresses online everyday, you see, when people put their homes up for sale most potential buyers pretty much insist on the REAL address.
    I KNOW.. it’s crazy! Now, back to your hobby pud boy and please let me know when you have another rapier like rejoinder about Texas.
    Proud Dallasian

  40. ReelectTilden

    His house in the Harold and Kumar sequel was pretty cool. Of course, the President in that movie was pretty cool, too, so go figure.

  41. PioBaroja

    [re=48996]peorgietirebiter[/re]: This is why I now live in Fort Worth. Whatever else it may lack, and it lacks a whole lot, it will at least lack George W. Bush and his zombie librarian. Let them stay in Highland Park. I don’t see why they don’t just live atop their liberry, like Clinton does when he’s chasing fat chicks in Little Rock. Oh, and, forgive the correction, but when I lived there we referred to ourselves as Dallasites.

    Love the name btw…not enough people hold the Firesign Theater in high esteem.

  42. kudzu

    I hope the adjustable-rate mortgage and the equity line of credit they’re gonna get on this thing fucks them up so badly they have to switch from Wal-Mart to Goodwill for their shopping.

  43. peorgietirebiter

    [re=48901]masterdebater[/re]: Stop it, your killin’ me! double wides & septic tanks! Oscar Wilde’s got nothin’ on you man. but please favor us with the locale of your summer residence… I really want to know where one goes to mingle with bon vivants such as yourself.

  44. sarcasticusername

    have the good people of dallas started protesting this decision yet? having criminals in the neighborhood sure can bring property values down.

  45. peorgietirebiter

    [re=49004]PioBaroja[/re]: I just use Dallasian to be contrary and I couldn’t agree with you more about The Firesign Theater. I grew up in L.A. and saw them often. All the best and always remember…
    Don’t Crush That Dwarf, Hand Me The Pliers

  46. peorgietirebiter

    [re=49020]sarcasticusername[/re]: I assure you we would- but the “free speech zones” are miles from the city and completely without facilities. Currently, I’m actively considering a strong letter.

  47. btwbfdimho

    [re=49004]PioBaroja[/re]: This is why I now live in Fort Worth. Whatever else it may lack,
    and it lacks a whole lot

    Hey, Ft. Worth lacks air conditioner, for sure, but what else? Having the Cultural District, the Botanic Garden and
    Central Market, I don’t miss anything here. And we’re gonna have an Apple store soon!

  48. lawnchair

    Jeessh. I remember everyone going on about Bush’s ranch house being so energy efficient compared to Al Gore’s McMansion. Which is true (Al, your house uses 45 times the electricity mine does… I’m hoping your son has one hell of a grow op). But, it’s not like Bush actually *lived* at his ranch house or ever intended to do so.

  49. Anita Cocktail

    They need a place with a bomb shelter. That way, when Iran bombs us all, they can keep the radioactive mutants at bay behind the steel-reinforced door….

  50. pat robertsons personal trainer

    yeah, my family members from dallas refer to themselves as dallasites. but then again, my folks aren’t asian–and maybe dallasian is some kind of cutesy conjunction.

    on another note, i can’t wait for that douche to revert back to playing golf in a restricted club, swilling shitty beer, being an all-hat no-cattle fake Texan but a real alcoholic asshole that he always was. he’ll never set foot on a “ranch” again in his life, and just go back to being exactly like every other WASP dallas cliche. if his base wasn’t so fucking stupid maybe they’d recognize his retirement as a total affront to every single one of them. then again, these people believe he was chosen by god and hasn’t been mercilessly fucking their best interests his entire life. jeebus, i really hope he runs for gov’ner again.

  51. V572625694

    [re=48971]S.Luggo[/re]: Defending America’s southern frontier in a state-of-the-art (and non-deployable-to-Vietnam) F-102, that’s our preznit.

  52. SystemError

    Those places are in Highland Park, not Dallas. Kinda like saying you live in Washington DC when you live in Bethesda.

    Dallas is the can’t do city. Can’t build a stadium for the NFL team that bears it’s name, and can’t even get Bush to live there.

  53. Wee Mousie

    Pity they are so set on Dallas, cause there’s a nice little fixer-upper in San Antonio, with just the right kind of anti immigration background this Commander-in-Theif could appreciate.

  54. Jukesgrrl

    I hope there’s a wing for Jenna and her babies when they finally figure out about Henry.

  55. Borat

    [re=48893]edgydrifter[/re]: this sounds like my own little version of paradise. I’m packin by bags to turkmenistan

  56. Borat

    anyone know how house prices are holding up in Dallas. Maybe they should rent a 2-bet apartment for like 2-3 years until prices hit rock bottom. that’s what I would do.

  57. peorgietirebiter

    [re=49139]pat robertsons personal trainer[/re]: okay, i give up. i’m not asian and yes it is Dallasite, i made it up.

  58. Scooter

    I feel sorry for the horses on the Crawford ranch. No doubt they’ll really miss watching Georgie pedal off like crazy on his bikey whenever they sneak up behind him. He’s the only cowboy I know who’s afraid of horses, cattle and probably even his own effin shadow.

  59. Scooter

    And if I were you peorgie, I wouldn’t waste my time blogging. I’d be upstairs helping Ursula make the bed!! “Coming, Mother!!!!” ;-)

  60. peorgietirebiter

    You mean Porcelain the maid, time to put the two-tones thru the floorboard, it’s not every day a guy graduates from high school.

  61. peorgietirebiter

    [re=49598]Boo_Boo_Hoff[/re]: That boy’s shenanigans are going to cost me the election… and stop calling me George, my name’s Adolf!

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