Wonkette
Wow, the 2008 St. Paul (Minneapolis) Paultardpalooza just got even better, because former MSNBC star Tucker Carlson is a “big Ron Paul supporter” and he’s the “emcee” of the September 2 rally for the Campaign for the Liberty of Dr. Ron Paul’s Re-EVOL-o-lution! We’ve already secured a couple of special tickets. Which two Wonkette staffers should be sent to the Paultardpalooza Target Center Celebration, as punishment, and what sort of fun stunts should they attempt? [Rally for the Republic]
THE WAR ON PAULTARDS
Tucker Carlson To ‘EmCee’ GOP Paultardpalooza!
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He looks kind of dreamy and airbrushed.
Hey, media folks aren’t supposed to have political opinions. Although being a Ron Paulista is more a condition (in the DSM-IV) than an opinion.
Whoever goes just make sure you don’t PUBLISH HIS ADDRESS OMG
I can’t help it. I’d hit it.
It the plan still to have Tucker beamed onto stage from a hovering UFO?
Send an expendable intern, and have them do an altruistic act, like helping an old lady cross the street; then sit back and enjoy as the Paultards murder them.
Oh but of course! Don’t forget this fantastic TNR piece Tucker Carlson wrote late last year about roadtripping with Ron Paul and a bunch of strippers in Vegas:
http://www.tnr.com/politics/story.html?id=83665295-1de6-4571-af9c-0a90f6d1fde0
If he never had a teevee career and instead just wrote this one piece over and over for decades, Tucker Carlson would be OK.
Tucker. Not Ron Paul. Not that it’s any less shameful.
Well, I guess I know where to hang out in St. Paul if I’m craving liberty AND getting pounded by big-dicked she-males (GOP rules state that it’s not gay if you’re taking it from someone *with* tits)
(Oh, and you and Sara can go… the Paultards have given me and Liz like 5-6 fatwas by now and may jump us with their cardboard lightsabers at the next event)
heeeeeeeey… where’s the bowtie? Has he ditched the bowtie look?
I’d hit it too! With a shovel, that is. He is a fugly bowtied closet-case who needs a good shovelin’.
Twinkle Twinkle Lil Star: I think he ditched that look after his dancing-with-the-stars seismic humiliation…http://climateprogress.org/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/tucker.jpg
AnnieGetYourFun: Tucker is heir to the Swanson’s teevee dinner fortune, so you could use that as a theme for your dirty talk.
“Are you a Hungry Man(TM)?”
“I’m burning for your big hunk of Salisbury steak.”
“Oh baby, remove the film from my dessert before you pop me in the oven.”
http://climateprogress.org/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/tucker.jpg
Jim Newell: Well, you are rather conspicuous. Radovan Karadžić’s makeover gal is available now; she could help you and Liz with a new look so you’d fit right in.
DangerousLiberal: Why do you hate the Constitution?
Cicada: I love it when the sticky fruit compote gets in my peas.
Is he going to hang around the Minneapolis Airport’s restrooms and wait to beat up Sen. Craig?
The Paultards better keep him out of the airport bathroom in Minneapolis. He might beat up another homo and end up in jail.
Cicada: Those a great lines! Much better than “Stop calling me Ron!”, which is what I had been planning on saying.
I miss the bowtie.
also, that’s a hell of a photoshop job
No man should look this smooth and pretty. Hell, no human should look this smooth and pretty! Also, get a man’s haircut, Tucker, for fuck’s sake.
Wonkette operatives: I hope you will attend the Campaign for Liberty Real Politics Training School on Sunday‚ August 31st :
This is your opportunity to learn the skills‚ strategies‚ and techniques necessary to be an effective activist‚ from top experts in the field.
Lesson #1: How to cut and paste.
Lesson #2: How to cut and paste “Why do you hate the Constitution?” over and over again.
Lesson #3: How to SPAM.
Main Lesson of the Day: How to always act as a COLLECTIVE in order to preserve our individual liberties. Resistance is futile!
You’re guaranteed to leave with a new understanding of how to compete and win at the political game.
Kill all Wonketteers!
This full day event is open to all supporters‚ but seating is VERY limited. With only 500 seats available‚ tickets are expected to sell out very quickly.
But after our Constitution Party comrades are into their McDonald’s boycott a little more, their fat asses might not take up so much space.
Darehead: Don’t forget the issue of protecting the women and children from being stomped on by drunked Wonketteers, who they are full of rage at… at whom they are full of rage?
sanantonerose: I think he likes to have it pulled. His hair, that be.
Jim Newell: But that would make for such wonderful blog coverage!
AnnieGetYourFun: With a tire iron. Fuck’in bow-tie wear’in fegghit.
Oh wait. HE BEATS UP DEH FEGGHITS.
So, yeah, I would hit him with a tire iron. For reals.
Darehead:
Lesson #4: Learn the mind-blowing power of statements like “WAKE UP SHEEPLE!” and “JOIN THE R3VOLUTION”
Buffy and Hildegard: He looks so . . . comfortable?
NOT.
Cicada: Yes, and cut and paste and spam those all over the Internets too!
Wonkette operatives could play like Yojimbos (aka Fistful of Ameros). Play both sides of the Barr faction and the Baldwin faction and let them all kill each other. Then smoothly ride into the sunset with all the Ameros, amigos!
RuperttheBear: You don’t have my issues. You clearly have your own, but not mine. Just sayin’.
What a coup for Tucker! The 20 Paultards that show up in Minnesota will be bigger than any audience he’s had on TV.
AnnieGetYourFun:
Not to worry. Annie with your gun so bright,
You will turn on any 2nd amendment-er in sight.
Darehead: You just made my evening.
The levels of fail are pretty well-matched.
Wow, look at the list of performers they have lined up. Big names like Grover Norquist and Adam Curry, the former MTV VJ. I wonder if he’ll wear the leather jacket he used to wear on Headbangers Ball?
Show up pretending to be Lyndon Larouche followers. Maybe a hilarious slap-fight will ensue.
If only Downtown Julie Brown was going to be there, I might tune in! Or perhaps pass out in a drunken stupor while THINKING of tuning in…. yes. That’s more like it.
Three words re Tucker’s endorsement.
Kiss.
Of.
Death.
AnnieGetYourFun: Tucker might ask Alison Stewart to come. The two of them do work at the same place, and her husband is Tucker’s boss.
Jim Newell: Yes,I know what you mean. I have been literally attacked by those God Fearing American Hating folk.
RickRoll the bastards.
Leave no one not dancing.
The only thing that will make my heart sing more is when Tucker is named Ron’s Vice President.
Tucker Carlson, Tucker Bounds, what kind of a fucking name is Tucker?
I thought he was kicked out of Dancing with the Tards. Apparently not.
WagTehGod: They sold 7200 tickets in the first six hours. They want the Federal government to be much smaller, which would mean there would be fewer Wonk-tards. I don’t understand why the brighter-than and better-educated-than average Wonkers think it would be bad to compete in the general economy with a bunch of toothless red-staters.
Which is more — HUH or WTF?
EVERYONE MUST WATCH TUCKER WITH JOHN STEWART NOW WHEN TUCK HAD THAT STUPID TEEVEE SHOW AND I GO TO BED GOING HAR HAR HAR WE SOULD HAVE VOTED FOR HILLZ.
Paultards now have irrefutable, completely professional forensic evidence now that Sen. Obama’s birth certificate is forged. In time for his imaginary birthday next week. Your ultra or should I say über reliable source: “Techdude” on Atlasshrugged.
http://atlasshrugs2000.typepad.com/atlas_shrugs/2008/07/atlas-exclusive.html
I can’t even read that atl ass hug crap….. sounds gay
and every time a “Tucker” sez something, I want to to slap a bee-yotch
Tucker looks almost mannish in that graphic! Wonder why she keeps putting off those collagen lip treatments that Novak requested?
Jim Newell: A fatwa a day keeps the doctor away.
Let’s take a Wonketeer vote on what kind of liburrtarian costumes Ken & Sara should wear. I vote for Tranny Statue of Liberty for him, and a Holly-Hobbie-meets-Sister-Wife (in a slutty kind of way) for her.
Be careful at MSP, Tucker…you’re a magnet for the gays in public restrooms.
Here’s one of my favorite clips, where Mr. Carlson claims to have been hit on in a public restroom. Enjoy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jsQIhVR4ZhE
Any time a guy says, “I’m not gay” four times in 2 minutes it’s code for “I’m already lubed and gaping”. What a bender.
Whoa. It looks like they photoshopped 40 pounds off of his head.
The lack of a bowtie is really bothering me.
Amazing article by Tucker. I practically fainted during the part where he and Paul’s legs are entwined for three hours. When the tips of their penises touched, it must have been like the “Creation of Man” for Linertarians.
Anita Cocktail: If Ken is still bewhiskered he can be “Uncle Sam” with a poster that says “I want YOU to stop paying taxes!”
Sara as a sister-wife or any such image of righteous fecundity would fit. The revolutionary rebellious Republicans (they don’t call themselves libertarians) are into this.
For god’s sake, don’t send Sarah or Liz! 99 percent of Paultards have never met a human female who isn’t a blood relative, there’s no telling what they’ll do.
Did someone give him Andrew McCarthy’s makeup person from the John Hughes films? Or is there an ’80s teen flick filter in Photoshop I was not aware of?
Josh Fruhlinger: You’re half right, I think. The “Barr” Paultards have no women cuz they are libertarian and libertarianism is a chick-repellant.
But the Constitution Party people have libertarianism PLUS fundie-ism: small government for a bigger God, so they have lotsa church ladies all readied up for birthin’ and home-skoolin’ for da churchy family values. Here’s from their homepage:
No government may legitimately authorize or define marriage or family relations, as affirmed by the 10th amendment, delegating to the people as our founders understood the family as necessary to the general welfare. We affirm the importance of Biblical scripture in the founders’ intent as eloquently stated by Noah Webster: “The moral principles and precepts contained in the Scriptures ought to form the basis of all our civil constitution and laws… All the miseries and evils which men suffer from vice, crime, ambition, injustice, oppression, slavery, and war proceed from their despising or neglecting the precepts in the Bible.”
“NBC’s Tucker Carlson???”
Since when do Paultards acknowledge that people are the chattel of the corporations that employ them? Isn’t that contrary to their whole political ethos? What about the “freedom” that is enjoyed by those who fornicate with the “Constitution?” However will the Paultards break these chains of corporate slavery and free the indentured servants like Fucka Carload?
BTW: Whom should Wonkette send to cover this laff-riot? Forget Jim [They've got it in extra special for the Ginger Boy, so don't sacrifice him unnecessarily. He seems like a nice guy.] Can I suggest you stake out the various Men’s Rooms with burly gay bears to go all Stonewall on Fucka’s homophobic ass?
Hmmm. Beat him senseless and then futt-buck him? Or the other way around? Decisions, decisions…
Tucker looks kinda hot in that picture.
You can’t send Newell. His fat, pasty, ginger ass is to recognizable.
His forehead shines like the trousers of my new serge suit.
I’m such a good liberal. But I kind of want to tie him to my bedposts.
nice make-up. and did he lose 10 pounds, along with his career?
BIG SALE ON TUCK NUTZ!!
AnnieGetYourFun: I think self-loathing should be punished. But perhaps you are correct, and the punishment should be KISSES!
Mad props to the graphic artist who managed to airbrush the stretch marks from around Tucker’s mouth.
Josh Fruhlinger: Oh please, I have faith either Liz or Sara could take about twenty Paultards with one hand tied behind her back. I mean, geez, these are the kind of people who sit around eating Doritos and playing Second Life all day, while Star Trek DVDs play in the background. Sara and Liz will kick them so hard in the nuts they’ll have to reach down their throats to jerk off.
Just sayin’.
Darehead: Ummm…. why is the awesome expert “tech guy” comparing Obama’s birth certificate to ones from ‘06, ‘07 and ‘08?
Redhead: Dunno. More data, more scientific? He probably saw something like this on X-files.
BTW, Are we related?
I see someone finally ripped that god damned bow tie from his neck.
NoWireHangers: But at least he still has the douche bag haircut we all love and adore him for.
Looks like someone’s been to Glamor Shots!
LucyHoneychrrch: I hear ya, girl. I’d hit it so hard, it screams out “Chomsky!”
Tucker Carlson is a big fan of Dr. Paul (and his Botox injections).
hamletta: Ladies, don’t fear the chest hair … or facial hair. Or having one strand of hair anywhere other than on the head.
It makes you sound like Mary Kay Letourneau when you fawn over Tucker “6-year-old Boy” Carlson.
I always liked Tucker Carlson. He was the only show on MSNBS that wasn’t all YELLING! LOUD NOISES! and/or prison rape and sex bunker. (They run that sex bunker show like 2-3 times every 24 hour period. Strangely, my wife watches it *every time*.)
I hear the other picture they were gonna use had him in rubber overalls with a fire hose.
Darehead: Shoot, if a birth certificate from decades ago not looking exactly like one from last year means you’re not a US citizen, then I don’t think I do know any true citizens. And where’d “techguy” get this copy that he’s analyzing, anyway? Ten bucks says it’s something he downloaded off the internet… because we ALL know how reliable that is…
And related… not to my knowledge. Though the first time I saw you post, it was late and I thought you had stolen my name (or I had unwittingly stolen yours).
it’s at the Target Center? What the hell is that some kind of fancy shamancy Kmart? All the corporate greed of these people…
Tucker…I don’t know why, but that’s just funny, to me. It’s kind of sad though, that he had to grow up with that name. Is that what makes him such a little prick, or is it something else? I don’t know, maybe it was the bow ties. I mean, until like last year when his mom stopped making him wear them, it must have been tough! Oh, and if there was ever a guy that looked susceptible to restroom toe tapping, it’s Tucker…Tucker…that’s just an effing cruel name.
Target should boycott this mess.
Borat: Target owns Minnesota. The part that isn’t owned by Minnesota Communists, that is. I’d write more….nah, end of almost dead post.
tucker carlson is a paultard?!? this explains SO much.