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Washington’s The Hill newspaper has published its 2008 list of the 50 Most Beautiful People on Capitol Hill, and yes, they were somehow able to find the requisite 50 people! We don’t really know where to begin with this. Checking out all the names and pictures takes long enough, and then there are little articles for each entry — long articles. So far the only sentence we’ve read, arbitrarily selected, was this: “It seems that when Coty Wamp, daughter of Rep. Zach Wamp (R-Tenn.), was 11, an alien invaded her body.” We dare not ask any further questions.

Here’s some other shit we noticed after looking at this feature for 37 seconds:

  • Most of the Republican entries are aristocratic little things with such names as “Brecke,” “Ivy,” “Crystal,” and “Briana,” who is probably the hottest. Oh and of course “Coty,” the alien child-slave.
  • Most of the Democratic entries are black people. No Obama, however, because he has CUT HIS N*** OFF with the black community (Democrats).
  • Ha ha, we just read another arbitrary sentence: “Early on, her father, with no sons, nicknamed her ‘Bob.'”
  • You’re looking at the hot Republicans from Orange County and the studly black people named “Baloney,” just scrolling along, and then JESUS FUCK WHO IS THAT WRINKLY OLD MAN, WHAT IS HE DOING HERE, GAHHH, THAT’S 900-YEAR-OLD SENATOR JOHN WARNER, HE’S ON THE LIST, PLEASE MAKE THE OLDNESS GO AWAY.
  • Liz Kucinich is #4. There is no excuse for her not being #1. Her husband, the elfin vagabond Dennis, does not appear on this year’s list. It’s almost like… one is much hotter than the other!
  • Rep. Vito Cossella is on the list! And the other 49 entries are all secret children of his.
  • “Otto Mucklo” looks like a pretty huge tool, because he is sitting on a motorcycle in his posed photo. He’s single. We bet “Otto” with the motorcycle sleeps with a different girl of his choosing every night.
  • Sen. Norm Coleman’s wife, Laurie, made the list, even though she lives in Hollywood as a failure.

Hey Hill staffers: give us the dirt on these people!! For example: Is “Brecke,” like, *really* fucking emotionally scarred because her father called her BOB because he wanted a BOY and not HER? Did an alien *actually* take over Coty’s body and, if so, what did the ALIEN make her DO? HAS ANYONE NOT HAD SEX WITH OTTO MUCKLO LIKE 200 BILLION TIMES?

50 Most Beautiful 2008 [The Hill]

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