SEX CONTEST  7:13 pm July 30, 2008

Meet The 50 Hottest Pieces On Capitol Hill!

by Jim Newell

Washington’s The Hill newspaper has published its 2008 list of the 50 Most Beautiful People on Capitol Hill, and yes, they were somehow able to find the requisite 50 people! We don’t really know where to begin with this. Checking out all the names and pictures takes long enough, and then there are little articles for each entry — long articles. So far the only sentence we’ve read, arbitrarily selected, was this: “It seems that when Coty Wamp, daughter of Rep. Zach Wamp (R-Tenn.), was 11, an alien invaded her body.” We dare not ask any further questions.

Here’s some other shit we noticed after looking at this feature for 37 seconds:

  • Most of the Republican entries are aristocratic little things with such names as “Brecke,” “Ivy,” “Crystal,” and “Briana,” who is probably the hottest. Oh and of course “Coty,” the alien child-slave.
  • Most of the Democratic entries are black people. No Obama, however, because he has CUT HIS N*** OFF with the black community (Democrats).
  • Ha ha, we just read another arbitrary sentence: “Early on, her father, with no sons, nicknamed her ‘Bob.’”
  • You’re looking at the hot Republicans from Orange County and the studly black people named “Baloney,” just scrolling along, and then JESUS FUCK WHO IS THAT WRINKLY OLD MAN, WHAT IS HE DOING HERE, GAHHH, THAT’S 900-YEAR-OLD SENATOR JOHN WARNER, HE’S ON THE LIST, PLEASE MAKE THE OLDNESS GO AWAY.
  • Liz Kucinich is #4. There is no excuse for her not being #1. Her husband, the elfin vagabond Dennis, does not appear on this year’s list. It’s almost like… one is much hotter than the other!
  • Rep. Vito Cossella is on the list! And the other 49 entries are all secret children of his.
  • “Otto Mucklo” looks like a pretty huge tool, because he is sitting on a motorcycle in his posed photo. He’s single. We bet “Otto” with the motorcycle sleeps with a different girl of his choosing every night.
  • Sen. Norm Coleman’s wife, Laurie, made the list, even though she lives in Hollywood as a failure.

Hey Hill staffers: give us the dirt on these people!! For example: Is “Brecke,” like, *really* fucking emotionally scarred because her father called her BOB because he wanted a BOY and not HER? Did an alien *actually* take over Coty’s body and, if so, what did the ALIEN make her DO? HAS ANYONE NOT HAD SEX WITH OTTO MUCKLO LIKE 200 BILLION TIMES?

50 Most Beautiful 2008 [The Hill]

Related video

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Outstando July 30, 2008 at 7:17 pm

In my hometown, we fling feces at people more beautiful than any of these ugly mofos. Of course, I live at the zoo.

KevoTron July 30, 2008 at 7:22 pm

Great leaping christ. I know it’s been said here before but it must be really slim pickins in DC if that’s what passes for THE FIFTY FUCKING HOTTEST PEOPLE!!!!!?!!!11?

Fucksakes—- I thought we had it rough in Seattle where guys where utilikilts and NorthFace jackets at the same time.

shortsshortsshorts July 30, 2008 at 7:22 pm

I hear Otto doesn’t fuck his wife very often for one, if you need tips.

ManchuCandidate July 30, 2008 at 7:23 pm

Liz K, the elfin fire queen is 4th? Fuck you, The Hill.

Let the stalking begin!

The Brothman Prophecy July 30, 2008 at 7:25 pm

coty’s infared eyes can see through alien skin.

ronaldpagan July 30, 2008 at 7:27 pm

I like Ivy and Zimmerman…but the best of all is probably Carl Baloney.

And Liz Kucinich but we all knew about her already.

Volumptuous July 30, 2008 at 7:28 pm

After #6 there’s a steep dropoff. The last 44 look like Ted Stevens toxic spawn.

masterdebater July 30, 2008 at 7:29 pm

[re=48404]ManchuCandidate[/re]: 4th? 4th? Someone is either blind or has standards that are impossible to meet. This is the most do-able person in Washington by far. I agree, fuck ‘em.

Jobbotch July 30, 2008 at 7:32 pm

With this candidate pool, I’m surprised the Montauk Monster didn’t make it.

loudmouthredhead July 30, 2008 at 7:33 pm

[re=48404]ManchuCandidate[/re]: How can they possibly place the ginger goddess below that future pill-popper? I mean, did you SEE that picture? I nearly swooned yet again at beholding her beauty. GINGER POWER!
Plus, she’s a vegan AND has the sexiest accent EVAH.

ronaldpagan July 30, 2008 at 7:34 pm

Where’s Nader? I guess John Warner and of course Staten Island Maverick Vito Fossella (dating status: married, with children) make up for his absence…

bonghitsforjesus July 30, 2008 at 7:35 pm

“Love blooms at Olive Garden” … really?

Please tell me that was a euphemism!

loudmouthredhead July 30, 2008 at 7:36 pm

They probably just named “Brecke” after the sound produced as she hatched from her Hell-spawned egg.

AxmxZ July 30, 2008 at 7:36 pm

And where is the Mocha Overlord on this list?

ronaldpagan July 30, 2008 at 7:37 pm

[re=48415]loudmouthredhead[/re]: Please…current pill-popper. We’re talking about Brecke right?

MathewBrooks July 30, 2008 at 7:38 pm

The glamour is blinding.

NoWireHangers July 30, 2008 at 7:38 pm

Things I learned/Suggestions:

1. Coty Wamp needs to lay off the eyeliner.

2. I noticed that I could immediately tell who the Republicans were just by seeing their pictures. You know when you meet someone and something about them seems a little OFF? And you’re like, what IS it? And then you find out they’re Republican and you’re like, OH I GET IT NOW? Like that, but with pictures. Give it a try, you’ll surprise yourself. And, you’re right about the names Jim, they’re all named Briana.

3. Our Wonkette should get some nice Glamour Shots at the mall and post them for our viewing pleasure.

shortsshortsshorts July 30, 2008 at 7:39 pm

[re=48416]ronaldpagan[/re]: Nader may possibly be the ugliest man on the planet.

problemwithcaring July 30, 2008 at 7:40 pm

I just remember back in 2004 or 05 when this kid I went to college with, who named himself “Zaid,” made it on the list – under the name Zaid! – and all of us were besides ourselves laughing. That guy couldn’t get laid in college at gunpoint, now he was on someone’s hottest-anything list? I still have the hasty image scan I made, to mass forward to my email contact list.

Anyway, we quickly deduced that if you are chief of staff of ANYTHING on the Hill and under-30, you were basically a shoo-in.

ronaldpagan July 30, 2008 at 7:40 pm

I let Otto Mucklo put it in my ass…didn’t feel a thing…

loudmouthredhead July 30, 2008 at 7:42 pm

Aaron Gardner “isn’t afraid to wear seersucker pants and pink ties”, says “I love that cat”, and obviously greases his hair with enough product to fuel an F-250. For a republican, that’s pretty much coming out of the closet, right? It’s ok man, really!

loudmouthredhead July 30, 2008 at 7:43 pm

[re=48421]ronaldpagan[/re]: Oop, you’re probably right. She just hasn’t gotten caught/cried for help like Cindy has yet…

loudmouthredhead July 30, 2008 at 7:45 pm

[re=48424]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Yeah, but he’s that cute kind of ugly…you can’t help but love the guy, not to mention bow before him for his ability to snag a GODDESS.

loudmouthredhead July 30, 2008 at 7:47 pm

Why do all my comments show up at once, making me look like a lunatic spammer? :(

AnnieGetYourFun July 30, 2008 at 7:49 pm

[re=48402]KevoTron[/re]: Don’t forget the Tevas with socks. And unshaven legs, like I am sporting today.

loudmouthredhead July 30, 2008 at 7:49 pm

[re=48429]loudmouthredhead[/re]: Sorry everyone…I was referring to Dennis the Elf King as also being ugly but lovable, NOT Nader. Nader’s the old fashioned circus ugly. Sorry Ralph.

AnnieGetYourFun July 30, 2008 at 7:51 pm

Eh, I dunno. The top ten are pretty enough. But #4… sigh. That woman is ridiculously pretty, and I normally don’t go for the redheads. No offense, loudmouthredhead.

Dave J. July 30, 2008 at 7:51 pm

Mornings at Jenny Harp’s house can be an ordeal. If you want to shower, wake up early.

Harp shares a house in Columbia Heights with six other girls, known to them as “the Mantionette.”

“We found each other on Craig’s List,” she said.

“Showers are complicated.”

Ooooh, I like how this story begins. More about the showers, please.

ronaldpagan July 30, 2008 at 7:53 pm

And admit it guys…Liz K. is smoking, but part of the reason you like her is because she has low, low standards. Carl Baloney is the real story here.

NoWireHangers July 30, 2008 at 7:57 pm

I want a list of the 50 Ugliest People on Capitol Hill. Nader would definitely be on the list.

ronaldpagan July 30, 2008 at 7:57 pm

Democrat, Republican, Democrat, Republican…surely there must be some hot Libertarians. HA HA HA HA HA JUST KIDDING!

donner_froh July 30, 2008 at 8:02 pm

Is Crystal Chiu wearing a terrorist keffiyeh or did she just spill something on her blouse?

wheelie July 30, 2008 at 8:06 pm

[re=48408]ronaldpagan[/re]: Of the Top 10, 3 are men. My review:

#3: Soulful hot police officer Ron Zimmerman. Give him his own aftershave commercial. One where he strides manfully from the shower to shave, while looking just a tiny bit needy. Mmmm.

#5: Stylish pouting hot politician Kwame Canty. A man who suits a suit. Teasingly claims he’s “never had a girlfriend.” Oh you. C’mere.

#9: For those who enjoy the sure touch of a mature man, Rep Gresham Barrett has a discreetly lit bedroom at your service. Would you like to stay for a drink?

RooseveltFranklin July 30, 2008 at 8:08 pm

Kwame Canty has “never had a girlfriend” because he has not perfected sexy text messages like a true Kwame should. Slacker.

Lionel Hutz Esq. July 30, 2008 at 8:20 pm

You have to understand that in Tennessee “an alien invaded her body” means that she had relations with someone that wasn’t a blood relative.

loudmouthredhead July 30, 2008 at 8:26 pm

[re=48451]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: You, my good sir, win.

Volumptuous July 30, 2008 at 8:26 pm

I’ve been trying to jerkoff to this for the past two hours. NOTHIN!

loudmouthredhead July 30, 2008 at 8:29 pm

[re=48437]Dave J.[/re]: Dear Penthouse forum…

The Incomparable Tiny Valdez July 30, 2008 at 8:40 pm

Admit it bitches, you have wanked to a couple of photos of WALNUTS in rehab with cigs hanging from those bad boy lips (slightly post-Apocalypse Now). Cindy somehow sucked all his hotness out and now he is a geezer, with no hotness quotient whatsoever.

polar_bear July 30, 2008 at 8:43 pm

Moira Bagley’s stare is freaking me the fuck out. It’s like a “I KNOW YOU’RE CHEATING ON ME” gaze of death.

Political Addict July 30, 2008 at 8:44 pm

[re=48408]ronaldpagan[/re]: I wonder if Carl Baloney’s family name was Bologna but they changed the spelling for simplification purposes.

Volumptuous July 30, 2008 at 8:49 pm

[re=48462]Political Addict[/re]: His first name used to be O-S-C-A-R

Political Addict July 30, 2008 at 8:51 pm

“A perfect day in Moira Bagley’s life would include taking a trip to the zoo to gaze at baby pandas, sipping a glass of Chardonnay and shooting a gun for target practice at a local range.”

She could combine all those, have some vino, grab the gun and go ….aaaagh! what am I thinking!

There are some highly questionable picks on the list. I’ll say that the girl with the eyeliner does need to get rid of it. Actually, she has a great face, but the raccoon look has got to go.

Carl Baloney needs to run for office.

InsidiousTuna July 30, 2008 at 8:54 pm

#6, Ivy, is adorable. I want to take her to Kramerbooks and browse the shelves while waiting for a table.

ronaldpagan July 30, 2008 at 8:54 pm

[re=48465]Political Addict[/re]: Baloney is an apropos name for any politician…but he looks so lunchable.

TGY July 30, 2008 at 8:55 pm

Where is Liz Glover?

Slutty_Chola_Cobbler July 30, 2008 at 8:57 pm

Coty Wamp? Hellz to the Naw! That is just the clean version of “COCKY sWAMPS HER BODY”!!

cantabrigia July 30, 2008 at 8:58 pm

No surprise that it’s Dem guys seem to be hottest (or at least not creepy or toolish), but it pains me that all but one of the really hot women (and I don’t mean “cute”) are Republitards.

loquaciousmusic July 30, 2008 at 9:00 pm

[re=48418]loudmouthredhead[/re]: Here’s a video of her birth. Wait ’til about 3:00 in.

Franklin Pierce & Pierce July 30, 2008 at 9:02 pm

They say that politics is showbiz for ugly people.

wheelie July 30, 2008 at 9:04 pm

[re=48468]ronaldpagan[/re]: Highly edible. Nom nom etc.

Andrew Noyes, on the other hand – there’s no picture of his dog, but I’d take the dog instead. Andrew’s shitty ‘magnum’ pose is a total turn-off. Vile.

StrangelyBrown July 30, 2008 at 9:05 pm

Is it possible that Kristin Sutton (halfway down page 3 of “the rest”) is, in fact, the LNS girl with the Confederate bikini top from one of our favorite pictures? As a Republican from Virginia, she definitely fits the profile, and has the look.

Then again, every blonde girl looks the same to me. She could be Anne Coulter, for all I know…

AnnieGetYourFun July 30, 2008 at 9:07 pm

I’m a litte freaked out that they specify Jonathon To as “Asian god”. I mean, I think “Yellow Beauty” would have been more to the point.

Oscar Folsom Cleveland July 30, 2008 at 9:08 pm

Where are new Republicans Britney Spears and Paris Hilton??!!

AnnieGetYourFun July 30, 2008 at 9:08 pm

Also, with the wimmins? I called 9/10 correct in terms of who was Dem versus Repub. I am THAT good.

columnv July 30, 2008 at 9:13 pm

[re=48418]loudmouthredhead[/re]: hahahahahah

InsidiousTuna July 30, 2008 at 9:13 pm

[re=48474]Franklin Pierce & Pierce[/re]: “DC is Hollywood for ugly people” is the expression. But yes, that’s the idea.

columnv July 30, 2008 at 9:14 pm

[re=48433]loudmouthredhead[/re]: you did send them all within a 5 minute window

cal July 30, 2008 at 9:18 pm

Brecke is clearly named after the shampoo.

wheelie July 30, 2008 at 9:20 pm

[re=48487]InsidiousTuna[/re]: You can’t possibly call this Stacie Walters person ugly. Be fair!

InsidiousTuna July 30, 2008 at 9:21 pm
InsidiousTuna July 30, 2008 at 9:22 pm

[re=48492]wheelie[/re]: No, I wasn’t. I was just clarifying the expression. She’s very pretty. I’d like to buy her a coffee.

wheelie July 30, 2008 at 9:37 pm

[re=48495]@ InsidiousTuna[/re]: Sorry for misunderstanding. Bone of contention: I would say she is not only very pretty, she’s gorgeous.

I’m not sure what to make of Laura Swett. She has a hottie look but I would not seat her at a window; it’s a bit too Amsterdam for me. But the pearl necklace with the simple top works well for me.

Ok, I will stop being gay now.

loudmouthredhead July 30, 2008 at 9:44 pm

[re=48494]InsidiousTuna[/re]: I figured out what bothered me about her photo (besides the evil, republican aura around her): she has MAN hands! Look at those things! I bet she could crush truck nutz in those without breaking a sweat!

soytrucknutz July 30, 2008 at 9:48 pm

[re=48504]loudmouthredhead[/re]: Can crush truck nutz, and has crushed truck nutz.

BoreExpert July 30, 2008 at 9:52 pm

Why has no one observed that most of the hot chicks (and I’m a straight female) are feckin’ Republicans! …or have they?

Neilist July 30, 2008 at 9:58 pm

This is one of those “Attractive for D.C.” things, right?

In L.A., we won’t use those for bait. We’d use them for the chum.

rangerdanger July 30, 2008 at 9:59 pm

[re=48423]NoWireHangers[/re]: The reason why Wamp’s eyeliner is so heavy is because they can never get the eyes quite right on those female Republican family-member androids. Don’t believe me? Check out Cindy McCain’s laser beam emitting eyes, or Pickle’s…

Tito Puente July 30, 2008 at 10:02 pm

Montauk Monster?
Do you mean Larry Keller or Nick Finazzo?

Canuckledragger July 30, 2008 at 10:03 pm

“If the winning smile and sparkling eyes weren’t enough to get by on, Mrs. Coleman’s also an inventor and an entrepreneur. She created and sells the Blo and Go…”

WTF? Norm’s wife invented hooking? Or just the really “short term” relationship?

Of course, I’m only joshing.

It’s really a sly reference to Larry Craig.

Tito Puente July 30, 2008 at 10:20 pm

Otto Mucklo is so fucking bomb it’s unbelievable.

melving July 30, 2008 at 10:29 pm

Rana Abtar says she likes flavored tobacco. I hope its not chewing tobacco!

wander_lust July 30, 2008 at 10:40 pm

[re=48462]Political Addict[/re]: It was changed at Ellis Island.

Delicious July 30, 2008 at 10:56 pm

So who on this list has banged Ted Stevens?

Icky July 30, 2008 at 11:09 pm

Hey, Walnuts has a staff c*nt in the lineup. Congrats, Walnuts…staff c*nt!

kudzu July 30, 2008 at 11:13 pm

[re=48520]Icky[/re]: Oh, don’t be such a pussy. Just say it: CUNT! There, that’s right; I said it: cunt. That one’s for you, Cindy.

ladymacbeth July 30, 2008 at 11:34 pm

brecke’s daddy called brecke bob cause brecke has a bob-like waist and bob-like calves

no offense but girlfriend is not small….

Rico Suave July 30, 2008 at 11:38 pm

this shit makes me cheer for al-qaeda

RuperttheBear July 31, 2008 at 12:11 am

[re=48414]Jobbotch[/re]: Agreed. Flurp-se. NOT FAPWORTHY.

KevoTron July 31, 2008 at 12:36 am

[re=48434]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: Nahhh that’s cool. I don’t mind if people do there own thing. There’s some really good looking hippies out there. I’m just shocked that these people pose like Banana Republic models when they’re much better suited for a Value Village ad. BTW which neighborhood are you in and did you catch the Block Party last weekend?

Lionel Hutz Esq. July 31, 2008 at 1:41 am

[re=48511]Canuckledragger[/re]: Yeah, but imagine what the royalty checks would be like.

chadamir July 31, 2008 at 6:14 am

Something about the name Elizabeth McWhorter makes me laugh.

bomble July 31, 2008 at 8:34 am

Koty Womp still looks like an alien. WTF is up with her eyes?!?!

jack4640 July 31, 2008 at 9:18 am

“In truth, Zammit could give Eva Longoria or Sarah Jessica Parker a run for their money in those hair-shaking shampoo and color-treatment commercials. Her locks pour down past her shoulders and have the fluid vitality of a waterfall.”

I feel like I’m reading the article on Barack

zkemeny July 31, 2008 at 9:22 am

Im sorry, this guy made the TOP TEN? things ARE desperate in Washington…

Imagine42 July 31, 2008 at 9:42 am

[re=48607]chadamir[/re]: It’s the “WHORE” part.

weirdiowasculpture July 31, 2008 at 10:34 am

I do not recall ever having sex with Otto Mucklo like 200 billion times.

Doglessliberal July 31, 2008 at 10:36 am

[re=48423]NoWireHangers[/re]: Oh my god, that is so true. I scored about 99% on the guesses for what party they were.

Doglessliberal July 31, 2008 at 10:37 am

[re=48402]KevoTron[/re]: note, this is the hottest who work on the Hill and who were nominated by their buddies, so you have a really limited pool. There are lots of hotter people, trust me.

econdave July 31, 2008 at 10:46 am

[re=48502]wheelie[/re]: Laura Swett is a butter face.

JSDC007 July 31, 2008 at 11:04 am

With names like Brecke, Crystal and Ivy, the Republicans must be at least 4 diamonds at the lady club that Elliot Spitzer frequented.

KevoTron July 31, 2008 at 11:13 am

[re=48719]Doglessliberal[/re]: Thank God for that. I was really worried for the citizens of DC for a minute there.

Doglessliberal July 31, 2008 at 11:18 am

[re=48765]KevoTron[/re]: truly, if that were the best, it would be scary. I saw more good looking people at the gym this a.m. than on that list. Not sure where all of them work, however.

I Am Not Your Gary Busey July 31, 2008 at 11:24 am

Oh sweet Jeebus! Had my folks not dragged me out of the rusty hulk of Ohio at the tender age of 6 I might have had my heart and my bones broken by Ms. Erica Price… Oh the humanity.

For the repubs, as they say on 4chan: “tits or GTFO.”

liquiddaddy July 31, 2008 at 11:54 am

Otto Mucklow and Coty Wamp sound like painful venereal disease discharge.

queeraselvis v 2.0 July 31, 2008 at 12:00 pm

[re=48427]loudmouthredhead[/re]: You read my mind re: Aaron Gardner. And let’s not forget his boyfriend Andrew Noyes (I understand the whole “cute dog” thing, but day-um).

Also, Coty Wamp? The only alien thing that invaded her body was the stainless steel dildo she filched from her father’s nightstand.

c-freak July 31, 2008 at 12:20 pm

[re=48446]wheelie[/re]: what i want to know is how roy zimmerman gets “deeply tanned”.

Borat July 31, 2008 at 1:17 pm

as long as i have the american apparel girl to look at i know i don’t even need to look at the article

cynbot July 31, 2008 at 1:29 pm

Please tell me Andrew Noyes is not the biggest fag on God’s green earth.

BadNewsJack July 31, 2008 at 1:30 pm

what happened to Stephanie Herseth Sandlin? Howdy doo..

Deepthroat July 31, 2008 at 1:57 pm

So Novak hit Roy Zimmerman too?

Deepthroat July 31, 2008 at 2:06 pm

this is seriously fucked up… i think i’m going to vomit

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