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OK, so maybe the McCain campaign has done its private polling and thinks this stuff will work, but… couldn’t they try to be slightly more ridiculous? We speak of the memo that idiot campaign manager Rick Davis sent out today: “Only a celebrity of Barack Obama’s magnitude could attract 200,000 fans in Berlin who gathered for the mere opportunity to be in his presence. These are not supporters or even voters, but fans fawning over The One. Only celebrities like Barack Obama go to the gym three times a day, demand ‘MET-RX chocolate roasted-peanut protein bars and bottles of a hard-to-find organic brew — Black Forest Berry Honest Tea’ and worry about the price of arugula.” What is this saying, exactly?

Since the McCain campaign has been spending 100% of its time talking about Barack Obama, we can assume that the plan is to draw a contrast with John McCain. Right? So let’s translate Rick Davis’ memo to reveal its message about John McCain:

John McCain is not popular in Berlin. People in Berlin would choose poisoning themselves over being within a 10-mile radius of John McCain. He has literally zero supporters in Berlin, but who gives a rat’s ass, those Krauts don’t vote. They do not fawn over John McCain because he does not exude any sense of optimism. There is nothing John McCain can do to make people love him. Because no one loves him, he does not exercise. He drinks piss mixed with dirt when he’s thirsty. He worries about the price of nothing.

“I guess I’ll vote for John McCain now.”

Continuing on character, McCain camp plays elitist card on Obama [Politico/Jonathan Martin]

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  • Doglessliberal

    I am pretty sure it is not a good thing when I read something intended to be serious and my first reaction is “is this a joke”?

  • Sean O

    Anyone else turned on by that description of Hopey?

  • NoWireHangers

    Hell, if WALNUTS! own campaign doesn’t even want to mention him, why would the press or anyone else?

  • Squiggyfm

    Ah…the “We’ve got nothing” gambit.

    Your move Obama!

  • Botswana Meat Commission FC

    Black Forest Barry Honest Tea

    fixed.

  • l e f t o f f

    McCain doesn’t have to try to not suck, because he’s a “maverick.”

  • NotUrEvryDayWEzl

    Only people receiving free government handouts don’t worry about the price of stuff. Jammacain is a librul!

  • WhatTheHeck

    John McCain is not in any popularity contest. Damnit. And he does not give the ass of a rat.
    He will rule with an iron fist because the peasants are revolting.

  • Noodle Salad

    M-Fer, where’s my black berry forest honest iced tea?

  • Larry McAwful

    Are we talking about the same party that put up a man who practically lives in the gym for president these last two elections? A man who has an early bedtime, world crises be damned?

    Hell, I haven’t been to the gym in two months because I have to work so much, and I’m just an office drone. Seeing a guy who can go to the gym and be a decent president—well, I’ll be thrilled if it happens. We’ll see. It hasn’t happened yet.

    And Black Forest Berry tea sounds goddamned badass. For tea, anyway.

  • freakishlystrong

    [re=48156]Doglessliberal[/re]: It’s not a joke? the whole campaign is a joke, what the hell are they thinking?

  • Canmon (the Inadequate)

    Only celebrities snort coke.

  • Dave J.

    It’s never good when there’s really no difference between “your campaign press release” and “Stephen Colbert’s monologue.”

  • NoWireHangers

    Yeah, well I wouldn’t trust WALNUTS! with my applesauce, let alone my vote.

  • queeraselvis v 2.0

    FAIL, repeatedly and with great fervor.

    *cues up “It Sucks To Be You.”*

  • choinski

    If you have to worry about the price of arugala, you obviously cannot afford it.

  • 2goats

    worked for Hillary in Pennsylvannia. – Rick Davis

  • shortsshortsshorts

    Wow, Obama sure sounds like a viable candidate.
    Thanks Ricky!

  • SayItWithWookies

    John McCain eats fried squirrel and olive stones. And frequently gums them.

  • Q2

    Indeed…what’s he saying? Here’s an idea Bozo: TALK ABOUT THE ISSUES. Oh…and my apologies to Bozo (may God grant him eternal peace in Clown Heaven).

  • Gopherit v2.0

    Hey McCain came by his wealth and fame the honest ways….through marriage and inheritance. Fuck this Meritocracy bullshit.

  • Doglessliberal

    [re=48170]Dave J.[/re]: snort–you said it better than I.

  • MoodProcessor

    I heard that Obee grew out of the Arugala phase, and moved on to Swiss Chard.
    Sometimes Arugala tastes kinda bitter…..

  • obfuscator

    Is “My opponent has attracted the attention of millions of people around the world” really a strong message for a campaign?

  • TGY

    Vote for the Common Slob! He’s just like you!

  • Beer4Prez

    Where the heck is Honest Tea hard to find? Oh, right Bitters-ville.

  • whiteguyinshaw

    McCain’s Ferragamo shoes are so middle class, too.

  • Pop Socket

    Hey! I like Black Forest Berry Honest Tea. It’s the only bottled crap that isn’t full of high-fructose corn syrup or cancer-causing artificial sweeteners.

    Damn, that makes me an elitist. And probably gay too.

  • nbawriter

    I can’t wait for the McCain rant when Obama’s NASCAR starts buzzing around the oval in Greensboro, N.C.

  • Doglessliberal

    [re=48174]2goats[/re]: He is using the same script. And it is just as stupid now as it was then, esp. given who McCain is (this man’s mother is loaded, he never had to work for anything, and his wife is loaded). From the prior Wonkette posting link to NYDN on the clothing battle:

    “Cindy McCain made news while getting a private peek at Oscar de la Renta’s fancy fall line (her grumbling bodyguards, left to stand outside the designer’s studio in the heat, gave the story away.”

  • King of Pants

    I guess we’re going to find out if the “this nigger thinks he’s better than you” strategy can work in 21st century America.

  • nietzscheprojectile

    How the f*&k is this even relevant to a presidential campaign? What’re they gonna do next – hit Barry with a backpack after school?

  • MoodProcessor

    [re=48183]obfuscator[/re]:
    This must be Surge Logic(TM)
    That’s the only way this tactic makes sense.

    McCain ’08 – “Truth Hurts.”

  • Doglessliberal

    [re=48187]Pop Socket[/re]: I like the Pomegranate White and the Dragon Green, and yes, I am an elitist.

  • AxmxZ

    So Hopey is hot, sexy, beloved by the world, eats well, keeps in rockin’ shape, – and is therefore unelectable?

    Keep on keeping on, Johnny.

  • magic titty

    I haven’t seen jealousy this hellbent and misguided since….Hillary’s campaign.

  • trophy(forparticipation)wife

    WALNUTS! is doing a damn good pirate in that pic.

    “Damn ye, yellow-bellied sapsuckers, I’m a better man than all of ye milksops put together”

  • Dissento

    Arugula, right. It’s a veg-e-ta-bul.

  • ManchuCandidate

    Strange, the man who got into the Naval Academy because of his daddie/granpepaw; graduated at the ass end of class gets a coveted assignment as a naval aviator; nearly destroys an aircraft carrier and still keeps on flying; marries into money and builds his political career off it is not an elitist dipshit.

  • Larry McAwful

    [re=48187]Pop Socket[/re]: You’re right you’re an elitist. Rush Limbaugh hawks Snapple for a reason: high fructose corn syrup is the lifeblood of the common man. If you’re worried about all that sugar and crap causing cancer, just take OxyContin. It’s a proven anti-cancer drug.

  • bloodsprite

    [re=48170]Dave J.[/re]: I agree, Stephen Colbert must be the secret ghost writer for the person in charge of this press release, and no one in the campaign has figured it out.

    How Machiavellian, I love it.

  • Gopherit v2.0

    [re=48195]nietzscheprojectile[/re]: It’s hard to believe, but I guess his people figure that charisma has no place in the White House. Of course, these are the same people who supported Bush in ’04, so at least they’re consistent.

  • NotUrEvryDayWEzl

    [re=48170]Dave J.[/re]: But Country Above Self tells us that Stephen Colbert is a true patriot that liberals misunderstand!

  • AxmxZ

    [re=48204]ManchuCandidate[/re]: But… but he’s a MAVERICK!!!1!

  • Gopherit v2.0

    [re=48203]Dissento[/re]: Be thankful McCain won’t touch arugula. Can you imagine the catastrophic consequences if his 71 year old colon experienced a green vegetable?

  • Q2

    [re=48178]Q2[/re]: Maverick McCain has repeatedly reversed long-held positions and compromised purported core principles. From the Bush tax cuts, the religious right, immigration reform, overturning Roe v. Wade, proclaiming Samuel Alito a model Supreme Court Justice, and bashing France. The man is shameless. He will do and say anything to become prez ala da MittMan.

    I seh YEAH MON! YEAH! Da rastamon Marley sung ’bout dat mon…long…long time ‘go…when he sung da singsong…

    No pussy for prez.
    No p u s s e y for prez.

    ‘Cause ’cause ’cause I remember when a we used to fly
    from the sky down to da flat-top,
    Obaobaserving the ‘ypocrites – yeah! –
    Mingle with da mission people we meet, yeah!
    Good friends we have, oh, good friends we bussed
    Along the way, yeah!
    In this great future, you can’t forget your past;
    So dry your tears, I seh. Yeah!

    No pussy for prez.
    No p u s s e y for prez.

  • Larry McAwful

    [re=48201]magic titty[/re]: I always said that McCain would crush Hillary if she were nominated, but if this is the best McCain can do, then maybe I was wrong about that. Unless, of course, the McCain campaign has been spending the past couple years perfecting an anti-Hillary strategy that would have blown her out of the water. Which is possible.

    But I’d love to see WALNUTS! and Hillary duke it out. It’d be like two scrawny kids who don’t know how to make a fist trying to slap each other into submission.

  • btwbfdimho

    Obama is one of those amants de la foret noir?

  • White Nick

    Man, I love Honest Tea. I prefer “honey green,” which I get at the Chevron on the corner. It’s incredibly hard to find – second to lowest shelf at the back of the 150 square foot convenience mart.

    Lolz on Noodle Salad with “M-Fer, where’s my black berry forest honest iced tea?”

  • NoWireHangers

    Translation: The President should aspire to be broke, uneducated, unhealthy, and disliked.

    Well, W fits a few of those. No wonder WALNUTS! loves him so.

  • NotNotLickingToads

    That incredibly rare, “hard to find brew” can be found in the World Market cafeteria in the middle of the Ronald Reagan Building courtyard, next to such priceless treasures as ‘Gatorade’ and ‘Arizona Iced Tea.’ My resources tell me that if you DO manage to locate said tea, it’s best enjoyed with endangered korean chicken and ancient Roman caesar salad.

  • Larry McAwful

    [re=48215]btwbfdimho[/re]: Ben, moi aussi, j’aime bien la forêt noire. Je me suis promèné là-bas souvent quand j’habitais Strasbourg…

    Alors! Est-ce que je suis élitiste moi-même? Passe-moi l’arugula!

  • Q2

    [re=48214]Larry McAwful[/re]: I say fuck this election shit. Pass out foam bats to the entire house of representatives and tell ’em whoever beats the other to death with their foam bat rules America. They’d be at it for weeks before the realization of futility set in. Assholes.

  • ronaldpagan

    Touche, commenters. And every time the McCain people say “arugula”, I hear “we got nothing”.

  • mookworthjwilson

    Walnuts demands the oh so hard to find butter pecan flavored Ensure. Who’s the elitist now?

  • DirkLeisure

    I don’t know which is worse – the McCain memo or this claptrap from Politico’s Jonathan Martin:

    “McCain’s maverick inclinations make for few clear-cut contrasts”

    Don’t fret Johnny, you still have some lovers in the media.

  • El Bombastico

    Motherfucker, your candidate is wearing $520 Salvatore Ferragamo loafers! WITH BUCKLES! To be fair, Walnuts probably can’t bend down to tie a shoe with laces. My great grandfather has velcro shoes too.

  • obfuscator

    A rebuttal from David Axelrod: “Only a liverspotted dick-smooch of John McCain’s magnitude could attract 24 truck drivers to a sausage haus who gathered for the mere opportunity to eat sauerkraut and chain smoke. These are not supporters or even voters, but disinterested bitters. Only bitch-made petulant has-beens like John McCain go to the toilet three hundred times a day, demand bendy straws for their Ensures and bottles of HMO-subsidized boner pills and worry about the price of whale oil and covered wagon insurance.”

  • trophy(forparticipation)wife

    [re=48225]Larry McAwful[/re]: Barry would be so proud and yes, that may make you elitist.

    Oy to the vey. Pass me the ruggelach.

  • Dave J.

    Seriously, do celebrities even worry about the price of arugula? Do celebrities even pay for their own food? And, really, isn’t endive a more happening salad green right now?

    John McCain: fighting the nominee of four years ago with the issues of 8 years ago.

  • magic titty

    [re=48214]Larry McAwful[/re]: Same here. He would have destroyed her. I think the entire GOP was expecting her to storm into the summer as the nominee, and they in turn, would have had both guns blazing.

    The upstart Negro from Iran has definitely thrown them. They can’t attack head on about him being one of ‘the blacks’. So now they send out glancing and hateful blows like a nerdy high schooler running for Class President, citing his undue popularity and his wanting to sleep with all the white girls.

    They’re out of bullets at this point. I’m sure Barry’s willingness to rip Walnuts a new asshole on taxes today didn’t sit too well with his campaign, seeing as McCain has nothing but hot air to blow on that subject.

  • magic titty

    [re=48194]King of Pants[/re]: indeed.

  • thatonegirlsays

    In what world is Honest Tea hard to find?

  • mememaw

    This doesn’t have anything to do with specialty lettuce, but does anybody know if it’s appropriate to have the American Apparel swimsuit girl on my screen at work?
    I mean … oh, fuck my coworkers, she’s hot.

  • sezme

    [re=48173]choinski[/re]: I’m elitist for worrying about the price of Arugula? WHY? It’s fucking expensive! Here I am scrounging for Japanese Knotweed, purlane and dandelions in the back alley because they’re free (and bitter!) but unless I eat iceberg lettuce from Yuma picked by some migrant worker for $50/hr (John McCain wages) I’m elitist.

  • ronaldpagan

    Always-the-bridesmaid McCain to celebrity Barry: Oh yeah? W-w-well at least I don’t plaster on the makeup like a trollop you CUNT!

    (Sorry but that is the perfect one-liner for every occasion.)

  • Slutty_Chola_Cobbler

    Why would America care about having a President that can:

    THINKS

    READS

    ACTUALLY HAS AN IVY LEAGUE EDUCATION THAT HIS FATHER DIDN’T SET HIM UP WITH..

    MAKES SOUND JUDGMENTS

    BALANCES OPPOSING THOUGHTS

    WATCHS HIS HEALTH. EXERCISE AND EAT PROPER MEALS.

    OH YEAH, AND THE WORLD REALLY DIGS HIM..

  • masterdebater

    OK, just to be serious for one second here, they have all lost their fucking minds. Really. None of that cute old people crap, they are batshit, howling at the moon, eating their own wastes, c-r-a-z-y. Arugula, chocolate-peanut, Met-RX, whatthefuck? I’ve said some crazy crap in my day, but there was always the booze or the weed to blame. These are the “just say no” crowd. How do you fuck your brain up that bad without the aid of chemicals or distillates?

  • NoWireHangers

    [re=48276]masterdebater[/re]: “How do you fuck your brain up that bad without the aid of chemicals or distillates?”

    Botulism for rancid cans of Ensure.

  • NoWireHangers

    That was supposed to be “from”

  • Lazy Media

    I dunno; I’ll buy the Hansen’s diet ginger ale, but iced tea is just too damned easy to make to buy it premade.

  • El Bombastico

    [re=48265]thatonegirlsays[/re]: In the NY Times’ world. It was described as “hard to find” in the Reggie Love article from several weeks back. The whole tea and MetRx line is lifted directly from it. This ain’t just desperate and pathetic; it’s LAZY. He just cut and paste from the Times article and Cohen’s incoherent screed. They’re not even really trying anymore. Just whatever, dude, crank out some memo.

  • AxmxZ

    [re=48273]Slutty_Chola_Cobbler[/re]: I can has President that can thinks!

  • Larry McAwful

    [re=48268]mememaw[/re]: I’m glad that American Apparel girl is there on days like these when I have meetings with that one executive vice president whom I’ve never seen in a bathing suit but would very much like to. Ms. A. Apparel keeps my mind off of her, and keeps me professional. I hope that ad campaign never ends.

  • Larry McAwful

    [re=48260]magic titty[/re]: It’s going to fail, though. I realize how well racist innuendo works on certain segments of American society, but the McCain campaign is crossing its signals. If they paint Obama as after white women and as a student government nerd, the public is going to unconsciously reject that, since student government nerds of all colors and creeds can’t get any women. You can’t have been born in the United States and not know that instinctively.

  • dearcatastrophecarlos

    MoodProcessor: Arugula sure isn’t as bitter as the pie WALNUTS is eating.

  • Junior

    Someone should inform McCain that the title that is currently up for grabs is “President of the United States,” not “Biggest Douchebag.” That title is sewn up for a while.

  • CollegeStudent

    Those Honest Teas are pretty good.

    God damn it, I am such an elitist Obama Voter, without even trying.

    Also, I had arugula salad for lunch

  • Larry McAwful

    [re=48254]trophy(forparticipation)wife[/re]: Oi, maidel, what’s with the tshvarzer who noshes exotic Alsatian getrank and eats funny leaves flown in from Hotzeplotz? They expect us to vote for this yutz? Why not eat regular American food like blintzes and whitefish and tsimmis, I ask you?

  • Fear of a Black Reagan

    It’s official. He’s lost it. Sigh. Looks like I’ll have to pick up the pieces for Cindy and all of her beer money.

  • magic titty

    [re=48298]Larry McAwful[/re]: You make a fine point. But if you’re asking how dumb Americans can actually be…you’re in for a cruel answer.

    You ever find it troubling that the Repubs court a segment of voters who are reknowned bigots? This is a viable part of their electorate. How can that make a person feel good about themselves, knowing these are the goobers who are on your side? It cracks me up. Whatever works, right?

  • capt. tim

    now i’m wondering how much the price of arugula has gone up during the bush administration, and how free it will be when Obama wins Godhood.

    also, Firefox underlined Obama in red. Why does Firefox hate black people?

  • moviechick

    I sense the emo kids are jealous of the smart popular jock.

  • pinko-commie

    As is true of most pinko-commies, I grew up poor and am now of means and educated, which makes me elitist. I still hate arugula.

  • BobLoblawLawBlog

    [re=48206]bloodsprite[/re]: I think it’s actually Sacha Baron Cohen. He’s only pretending to shoot “Bruno,” but that dude’s a master trickster.

  • trophy(forparticipation)wife

    I spit out arugula on one of my first dates, but I swallowed later.

  • Anita Cocktail

    [re=48167]Larry McAwful[/re]: c’mon, the only reason Bush spends so much time in the gym is so he doesn’t spend all that time in a bar shitfaced. Come January 09, however, we’ll see…

  • capt. tim

    I looked up arugala. I totally eat that all the time, just never knew what it was called.

    I’m just going to assume that Rick Davis eats salads made entirely of iceberg lettuce, ranch dressing and crumbled Doritos..

  • Godot

    [re=48204]ManchuCandidate[/re]: The trick is not exercising or eating a healthy diet.

  • The Incomparable Tiny Valdez

    I’m just so relieved we’re finally seeing a campaign that is a true dialogue on the substantive issues. It has reinvigorated my faith in the democratic process.

  • momus

    His mom better play the Queen of Diamonds in August when no one is watching or cares. If she waits until October, he’s cooked for sure.

  • shortsshortsshorts

    [re=48390]momus[/re]: I sooooo hope that the crazy old bat does the keynote speech at the convention.

  • bonghitsforjesus

    NoWireHangers: I liked “for” better.

  • greensprout

    You guys, Jealous Foot-Stamping is like, chapter one of the National Campaign Handbook.
    Amateurs.

  • lilblackcorvette

    [re=48294]Larry McAwful[/re]: puhleeze … she’s not so hot unless you like saggy tits….. hey are you a McCain Fan?

  • ronaldpagan

    Waaaaahhh, you guys, the media loves Barack so much just because he’s cool and sexy and likable and smart and charismatic and the entire world loves him and he has a happy marriage and isn’t completely ignorant about the Middle East and knows about the economy and doesn’t want to continue Bush’s policies…IT’S NOT FAIR!

  • hamletta

    [re=48269]sezme[/re]: If you have a yard, arugula grows like a weed.

    [re=48376]capt. tim[/re]: Arugula is also known as “rocket.” In Australia, anyway.

  • Garble

    It’s hard for millions of people to vote for someone who stays anonymous. So yeah, our candidate is kinda famous.’

  • AnnieGetYourFun

    [re=48493]hamletta[/re]: “Arugula is also known as “rocket.” In Australia, anyway.”

    Funny, so’s my penis. Well, it would be, if I had one. Alas, all I have is teh envy.

  • gliberal

    McCaint has a hare up his asp

  • Icky

    Maybe Walnuts can now finally nail down his everyman cred by having Trollop C*nt publish her famous non-elitist Passion Fruit Mousse recipe in the New York Sun. Oh wait…

  • Street Organizer

    JSM has lost his bearings!! What the hell is he drinking tumbleweed root elixir?

  • RuperttheBear

    [re=48516]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: Envy is an anagram for … Veny? Yvne? I got nothing.

  • wheelie

    [re=48493]hamletta[/re]: Yeah, it’s called plain rocket in Britain and Ireland too. It was popularized by trendy TV chefs about 10 years ago. Before then, it was just some randomn weed. It’s the North Americans who are elitist and insist on giving it a fancy name. Which is quite counter-intuitive, really.

  • wheelie

    [re=48618]wheelie[/re]: Randomn is what we call ‘random’ in Britain and Ireland, by the way.

  • regisgoat

    [re=48493]hamletta[/re]: That’s right, it does. I’ve been gardening for 15 years and I’ve never seen such an enthusiastic plant. How the hell did the poor thing get a rep for hoity-toity elitism?
    But you know, hating a lettuce is one thing, but leave the microbrew alone, McCain. At least they still make it here in America…

  • belmonttau

    I like Peach Oo-la-long Honest Tea. Barry just lost my vote.

  • georgia_peach

    [re=48172]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: I think “Failing With Fervor” is the new McCain slogan. Sounds a little better than “An Epic Fail We Can Believe In”.

    Also…Honest Tea is hard to find? Really? Is this because John McCain never actually *goes* to grocery stores except to mess with the applesauce? I see that sh*t everywhere.

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