Wonkette
Barack Obama used to be the greatest enemy of America: a PROFESSOR, of Law. He is still the greatest enemy of America (he’s a Mooz), but he used to be worse. Because with an advanced, post-industrial economy where the only jobs available are for those with an education, America rightfully despises education and its self-styled provocateurs. Obama, in his 12 years as a professor of Constitutional Law — a subject held in such high disregard in this country that Obama himself ignores it — was basically awful, because he made his students take tests and write a lot of words. Let’s “examine” one of his wretched Final Examinations that the New York Times folks have unearthed, and grade it.
Here are the instructions for his Autumn 2003 Final Examination:
Jesus, DID YOU FORGET ANYTHING? If you like precision so much, just tell us “answer the damn questions” instead of all this malarkey. And last time we checked, 3,000 words double-spaced on our word processor is like 10 pages, unless you really fuck with margins. For his Instructions Page, Barack Obama gets a D, for “Dingus.”
Oh, here we go:
So this, this is a “real-world” scenario to Barack Obama: you are sitting in your law professor’s office in the hippie state of “Nirvana” and every week or so these two homosexuals walk into your office for an orgy, during which they offer to buy your children. This is not law. This is just nonsense. For these paragraphs, Barack Obama gets a B, for “black,” which he is.
The Long Run [NYT]
Inside Professor Obama’s Classroom [NYT/The Caucus]
Buddhist AND Muslim? Or a Kurt Cobain fan?
Ahahaha, State of Nirvana. NIRVANA IS A BAND!
Also, where is the part where they offer to give buttsex in exchange for legal advice?
I don’t understand. None of this is written in jihadi.
AnnieGetYourFun: Drat, you have skunked me! Or somesuch.
Obama was also responsible for the great chicago fire of 1871.
That’s Professor Dingus to you!
That question is actually a pain because of all the extra info Prof Obama tossed in there. He forgot to mention what the couple had for breakfast that day.
…who would have figured Kurt Cobain was against same sex marriages?!
Will Democrats denounce and reject this obvious display of intelligence and logic?
Will Childers say anything about this absolute logic carnival?
Will Patti Solis Doyle do me in an airport bathroom?
ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION BARRY. AND YOU ONLY GET 8 HOURS.
Dammit — how do I adjust this font to 12 point?
…”I will stop reading after 12 pages”, shit if these students were like me they stopped typing after 2 pages!
Nirvana is Adam and Steve having Cain and Abel, and then Cain can’t kill Abel cause the NRA hasn’t been invented yet.
“Feel free to use the extra hours as you wish” = smoke fat doobs
Do the fruits pay him for his lawyering in crack?
Oh, the state of Nirvana, that must be one of the unknown states Obama was referring to earlier when he said there are 57 states in the U.S.
Jeebus, that’s not a bird course we can take.
i literally just joined so i could comment that this is one of the funniest things i’ve ever read on wonkette
If you think that’s bad, you should have seen the oral exam.
I will translate for you:
“Use the extra time as you wish”: like for smokin’ the marijuana while worshiping Allah, the Muslim Jesus. Professor Osama will give you extra credit.
“Precision and imagination are more important then volume”: Ya know, thats what I’ve always said about the butt secks.
“Richard and Michael”: White, successful, upper-class homos get to raise christian babies. Non-white, single, poor, or hiv positive gay men need not apply.
“State of Nirvana”: Fuckin’ hippie.
“Good luck and have a fine holiday”? What the hell is that supposed to mean? This guy is so FULL of himself. Can’t be prezident.
Who the fuck cares? John McCain was a goddamn POW you elitist hippie fucks!
Jesus, DID YOU FORGET ANYTHING?
It is a test for future lawyers.
“Law week, two men…”
Law week? Is this a holiday week that Obama invented where we are supposed to obey the laws or did Barry make a typo?
Either way, this clearly disqualifies him to be president. I’m voting Barr.
God forbid we should have a well-educated president.
State of Nirvana? Sounds good to me.
monogamous gay couple? PSH yeah right
He did however provide a good lesson for future lawyers with this one.
Work on the test for 3 hours, but bill your clients for 8.
A ConLaw Prof tested his students on Equal Protection.
This is breaking news, NYTimes. Well done!!
AnnieGetYourFun: Why does adoptive-gay-architect-coddling Barry hate Jesus?
Oh, of course on of the guys is named Richard, but he prefers Dick.
I hate word problems.
Here’s my answer, in less than 3000 words: “Step 1, contact the authorities. Step 2, ask Richard and Michael to send you a postcard from Guantanamo.”
Can I has my A, please?
Junior: …TRANSLATION: Screw a few chicks for me and never consent to breath-a-lizer.
Volumptuous: You have to read BETWEEN the lines.
“Good luck, and have a fine holiday”, and by that he meant “have a fine Ramadan!”
Not to rain on anyone’s parade here, but the instructions are silly detailed like that because its for law students… and if you’ve never spent anytime with law students, let me just say these folks are all about gaming the system… I should know, having graduated law school just a few years ago. I’ve seen my colleagues argue over page length, margins, font… everything is a debatable issue. At this point, I think profs just copy and paste the same legal jargon from exam to exam to keep the wolves at bay.
“You will have eight hours, inclusive of travel time, to complete the exam. The exam is designed, however, to be completed in three hours.”
8 hours total time (INCLUDING TRAVEL) - 3 hours = 5 free hours.
Estimated duration of flights from NYC to LA on 9/11 that were later blown up by Muslim Islamoterranazis? FIVE HOURS!
Coincidence???
PoliticalGraffiti See, now I thought it said “gay mongoose couple.”
Rikki-Tikki-Tavi and Obama-Rama-Ding-Dong.
Listen to this uppity motherfucker with his “knowledge” of the “United States Constitution”. I suppose taught his students that all American citizens are entitled to “equal protection” under the “law”.
Serolf Divad: I love your videos.
John McCain understands you shouldn’t leave kerosene lamps next to your cows
Actually, these are the least detailed instructions I’ve ever seen on a law school exam. I once had a professor who gave us exam instructions that were six pages long.
His question perfectly demonstrates the obvious Liberal bias in higher education. If John Woo wrote this exam it would say,
“Last week, two me, Richard and Michael, walked into you[sic] office and asked for your help. You learn they are gay.
Fortunately they have learned that the state of Nirvana says that they can’t marry.
Demonstrate how they can be legally tortured.”
Uhm John Woo = John Yoo
“Good luck, and
death to Americahave a fine holiday.”This is kinda interesting. Tests at Regent typically go like this …
“You have just passed the bar in the Realm of Sodom and Gomorrah. Rather than go on a shooting spree with your God-given firearm, you decide to infiltrate the government by getting appointed to a job in the Justice Department…”
“The exam consists of two parts, presented in five pages.”
OhMigawd is this man homosexual…
This, obviously, is a trick question because the answer is supposed to be “Richard and Michael cannot be allowed to have kids because Jesus says homosexuality is wrong.”
AngryBlakGuy: As an alumna of the University of Chicago, I guarantee you that the 12 pages limit probably resulted in a wail of pain and thwarted graphomania.
HomoPolitico: Here is how he broke down the extra time for people in the 1996 final exam:
“2. You will have six hours to complete the exam. The exam is designed,
however, to be completed in approximately three hours. Feel free to use the
extra three hours as you wish (anxiously flipping through the casebook for that
one last citation, or heading over to the gym for a good workout - your
choice).”
Barry seems to be in that well-known Foucaldian state of “always already working out.”
Nobody recognizes WALNUTS achievement of being at the bottom of his class.
Ohhhh WALNUTS!
Mo MoDo: yes indeed. Looks just like all my other law school exams. Law School: We Reward Compulsiveness.
Nirvana? Proof he is a Muslim - the nefarious Buddhist kind!
I smell bullshit. Gay architects? With all of these phallic structures dominating our fair cities?? I think not!
magic titty: The first thing any kid past middle-school asks is font size, margins, and total pages. All the rest is window dressing.
Gay architects wanting children? Why does he hate ‘merica?
Their first choice is to have children through a surrogate mother, but you also learn that Richard wants his splooge to do the surrogatin’, and he wants to put the bun in the oven himself. Michael, on learning this, calls Richard a lousey architect. Hissing and spitting at each other, they storm out of your office.
After they leave, you find that Michael has left his wallet containing $1000 in your office.
Do you tell your partners? Discuss.
Wait a second. You’re supposed to be a lawyer who has achieved a state of nirvana? This who question has no karmic cohesion at all.
It’s fun to go through the assignment and note how many basic concepts BO uses that McCain’s old and out of touch ass would find unfamiliar and difficult to articulate. So far I have: “internet,” “Computer or word processor,” “monogamy,” “gender indentification,” and “credit scores.”
I thought of adding “surrogacy,” but his black baby might have briefed him on that.
whole
Barack Obama: WHY DID HE FLUNK AMERICA???
WadISay: Yes. Yes. Everything you wrote here. Yes.
Kabanx: He didn’t even include what type of font and whether he wanted the exams stapled. Your average college freshman comp instructor has more boilerplate on their assignment sheets.
Rev. Peter Lemonjello: DAMN. You bet me to it.
Rev. Peter Lemonjello: DAMN. You beat me to it.
Wee Mousie: Ohhh! Sweet childhood flashback! I love Rikki Tikki Tavi. I own it on DVD.
So, this settles it. Barry is neither a Muslim nor a Christian but a Buddhist.
Or, is he all of the above?
AxmxZ: Yeah, I’m a current UC law student, and these 8-hour take home exams are just about the most painful thing possible. You don’t have any extra time whatsoever.
Wee Mousie: Barry makes a very pretty mongoose.
likeabus: In my experience, U of C students don’t stop writing until you physically make them. This is how my BA thesis balooned to Ph.D. thesis thickness and still never got past the first part of the argument. I had to condense the other four parts into a two hour lecture and deliver it auctioneer-style.
As a recent law school grad, this take home exam brings up bad, bad memories. And yeah, these instructions are actually pretty mild. Law school students are really anal and compulsive so the professors jump through hoops so they won’t be bombarded with questions about every single thing. Day and night. And yes, people will call and email professors day and night about font size.