JOHN MCCAIN IS AWARE OF THE INTERNET  3:52 pm July 29, 2008

John McCain Is So Adorable When He Talks About The Internet

by Jim Newell

Oh come now, will everyone please stop pickin’ on poor John McCain for his limited knowledge of the future techmologies? This is something that irks political writers on the Internet to a strange degree (probably because it means McCain cannot give them page views.) Even McCain’s best friend Jon Chait of The New Republic has been calling him “President Grampa Simpson,” which is Ageist. While many of us are more concerned about McCain for other reasons — the fact that he is solidly to the right of George W. Bush on foreign policy, for example — we understand how problematic it would be to have a president who uses Yahoo! instead of Google. And yet it’s still hilarious whenever McCain tries to defend his technological know-how to a crowd of nerds, as he did yesterday in liberal San Francisco.

McCain was fundraising in the Bay Area yesterday. They are all very wealthy out there and therefore own computers. So here are some funny things McCain said to these people, about computers:

  • “Am I a tech freak? No. And I don’t like to text message because I’d rather call somebody on the telephone.”
  • “I do understand the importance of the computer. I understand the importance of the blogs.”
  • “But I am forcing myself … let me put it this way, I am using the computer more and more every day.”
  • “It doesn’t mean that I have to e-mail people,” he said. “Now, I read e-mails,” he added, saying his staff is “constantly showing them to me as the news breaks during the day.”
  • “I use a computer almost every day. I go on different web sites … ours and the various media.”
  • “We passed the ban on Internet taxes, which was vital, I think, in the growth of the Internet. We had constant hearings … about new technology that was being developed.”

See? He understands “the importance of the blogs,” which is more than we can say; also, he *reads* his e-mail, whereas the average Internet user just clicks “Inbox” every 1.8 seconds because the 15-second automatic refresh option is just too long. He knows everything about the Internet. He even banned taxes. On the Internet!

McCain defends his tech smarts in S.F. [San Francisco Chronicle]

 
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{ 56 comments }

4tehlulz July 29, 2008 at 3:54 pm

>>“I use a computer almost every day. I go on different web sites … ours and the various media.”

In other words, he’s checking out Craigslist for heiresses to nail, just in case the old one gets hospitalized or something.

NotUrEvryDayWEzl July 29, 2008 at 3:56 pm

It’s true. In fact, I refresh Wonkette nearly as often as my inbox.

4everjung July 29, 2008 at 3:56 pm

McCain’s been in front of the computer too much. He needs to get out in the sun.

SayItWithWookies July 29, 2008 at 3:56 pm

“But I am forcing myself … let me put it this way, I am using the computer more and more every day.”
Why only this morning I used the computer to warm up my coffee. Oh, I’m being told that was the microwave.

Larry Fine July 29, 2008 at 3:58 pm

McCain just wanted to get away from those San Franciscoians as fast as he could before they gave him the AIDS.

ManchuCandidate July 29, 2008 at 3:58 pm

McCain later asked:

“Are you sure that if I send that guy in Russian my bank account info then I’ll get those boner enlargement pills?”

magic titty July 29, 2008 at 3:58 pm

HA. He said he understands the importance of the computer. Gee thanks Grampappy. What a fucking turd – how can Obama lose by 6 points like he will in November, or whenever this godawful exercise is over? How can this really happen?

Also, I call bullshit – NO ONE would rather talk on the phone than text. No one.

4tehlulz July 29, 2008 at 3:59 pm

>.“I do understand the importance of the computer. I understand the importance of the blogs.”

…which is why, when I am president, I am going to shoot Kos to make an example of him.

Seanibus July 29, 2008 at 4:01 pm

And when he DOES call someone on the phone, he yells into the receiver “Ahoy, Ahoy!”

Thanatopsis July 29, 2008 at 4:02 pm

McCain totally knows computers. He’s all about the giant steering wheel.

SayItWithWookies July 29, 2008 at 4:04 pm

McCain shouldn’t be afraid to use a computer. After all, he’s used to crashing expensive machinery.

jagorev July 29, 2008 at 4:04 pm

You have to refresh your inbox, Jim? So Wonkette Global HQ hasn’t hooked up a Microsoft Exchange server and issued you a Blackberry yet? Jeez, Grandpa, join the 21st century already!

freakishlystrong July 29, 2008 at 4:04 pm

I wonder if he’s stumbled across this little blog? Jebus help us if he has…

bup July 29, 2008 at 4:05 pm

“Soon, my campaign coffers will be overflowing thanks to my Nigerian friends on the computer.”

freakishlystrong July 29, 2008 at 4:06 pm

“I use a computer almost every day. I go on different web sites … ours and the various media.”

mookworthjwilson July 29, 2008 at 4:06 pm

[re=46999]Seanibus[/re]: But when’s the last time he had the tires on the Straight Talk Express revulcanized?

itgetter July 29, 2008 at 4:08 pm

I so wish he could have framed his response in a way similar to his gay adoption response.

“My position on the internets is, it’s not the reason why I’m running for president of the United States. I mean… it’s important for us to emphasize internet traditions. I’m running for president of the United States because I want to help with internet traditions. And I think that internet traditions are important. I am for the values of ours and the various media, sites that are part of internet traditions. And I am against the taxing of the internets, but many of these decisions are made by the states.” (repeat)

Citizen Kang July 29, 2008 at 4:10 pm

He doesn’t like using computers because the hand crank on his reminds him too much of the long-lost, beloved Model-T he was given personally by Henry Ford.

TGY July 29, 2008 at 4:10 pm

He’s ready to join the ranks of l33t H4x0rz.

Jim Newell July 29, 2008 at 4:12 pm

[re=47004]jagorev[/re]: A BlackBerry would cost more than zero dollars, so no, I have not been issued one.

MoodProcessor July 29, 2008 at 4:13 pm

[re=47003]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Hey-oh!

shortsshortsshorts July 29, 2008 at 4:13 pm

Dammit if I had known he was gracing us with his presence I would have totally gone.

What the fuck was he doing here in SF anyway? Everybody knows that we’re a Ron Paul stronghold.

columnv July 29, 2008 at 4:14 pm

[re=46999]Seanibus[/re]: wonderful simpsons reference.

WadISay July 29, 2008 at 4:15 pm

Mr. McCain, if you are reading this, please send me your “e-mail address” and I will put you in touch with the providers of \/iagra and pen1s enhancement.

El Bombastico July 29, 2008 at 4:19 pm

It’s good to see he’s “forcing” himself to use a computer every day. And I’ll be he doesn’t even need Viet Cong villagers shoving bamboo shoots under his toenails to do so!

El Bombastico July 29, 2008 at 4:19 pm

[re=47044]El Bombastico[/re]: “bet”

obfuscator July 29, 2008 at 4:21 pm

I am willing to bet $400 in Schruteybucks that one of Senator Grumpus McJowlsby’s staffers gave him the term “tech freak” and told him that using it would make him sound “hep” and “with it”.

trophy(forparticipation)wife July 29, 2008 at 4:21 pm

Wonder if he reads his daughter’s music, spackle and $3,000 bag of the day tips.

FreshCliches July 29, 2008 at 4:22 pm

John McCain: Aware Of All Blog Traditions Since Thursday.

Naked Bunny with a Whip July 29, 2008 at 4:24 pm

*looks at the photo*

I wish my computer had a huge fucking steering wheel!

pondscum July 29, 2008 at 4:29 pm

Where are those damn dogs when you need them…

masterdebater July 29, 2008 at 4:33 pm

I guess you mean to infer that the Senator doesn’t know the difference between Yahoo and Google. I heard the man say, just last week, “Well hell, everyone knows that google is a real big number, and yahoo is what you yell when you see your brand new, cancer free wife, naked for the first time…cunt”. I think we’ll be just fine with McCranky as intertubist in chief!

BadNewsJack July 29, 2008 at 4:37 pm

We all know he uses the internet for “Hot Barnyard Fun.”

Botswana Meat Commission FC July 29, 2008 at 4:40 pm

# “I do understand the importance of the computer. I understand the importance of the blogs.”

Actually, this is hilarious because it sounds like something a 15-year-old cheerleader would say. As if the main reason computers exist is to publish blogs, instead of actual important shit like steering airplanes and operating nuclear power plants.

nietzscheprojectile July 29, 2008 at 4:44 pm

This reminds of a commercial that ran in the 80′s narrated by some guy playing a loser who thought that “computers were just a fad.” Wait. Was that you John?

Smackdown July 29, 2008 at 4:46 pm

“After I put on my reading goggles, I log onto Compuserve and go to many of these internet places.”

PeteJayhawk v2.0 July 29, 2008 at 5:02 pm

“the average Internet user just clicks “Inbox” every 1.8 seconds because the 15-second automatic refresh option is just too long.”

I can’t be the only person who looked around sheepishly at that.

larz July 29, 2008 at 5:04 pm

Have him watch “Desk Set” a few times.

sanantonerose July 29, 2008 at 5:12 pm

[re=47000]Thanatopsis[/re]: Ohmigawd. I used this picture TODAY while teaching research classes in the library. It’s totally fake, of course, but the kids just LOVE that “scroll wheel.”

[re=47127]larz[/re]: Desk Set rules.

josereyes.theroof July 29, 2008 at 5:23 pm

[re=47121]PeteJayhawk v2.0[/re]: You’re still not as good on the computer as Jenn Sterger, boy-o.

/memes conflated

Supernatural_Delegate July 29, 2008 at 5:59 pm

Said McCain: “I used to be ‘with-it’, then they changed what ‘it’ was. Now what I’m with isn’t ‘it’ and what’s ‘it’ seems weird and scary.”

RuperttheBear July 29, 2008 at 6:01 pm

Sensing there are internet traditions of which he is unaware.

edgydrifter July 29, 2008 at 6:04 pm

[re=47053]Naked Bunny with a Whip[/re]: That wheel opens the valve to the intertron boiler. The whole thing runs on “electric steam”.

weirdiowasculpture July 29, 2008 at 6:13 pm

I got it! We’ll have the candidate tour a computer store with a lady consumer and her two adorable kids! That way we can show he’s really tech-savvy, but still a warm family guy and concerned about the economy all at the same time! What’s that? You say he’s wandering over to the display of monitors? What’s that crashing sound? Oh gawd, not again!!!!

problemwithcaring July 29, 2008 at 6:56 pm

“Am I a tech freak? No. And I don’t like to text message because I’d rather call somebody on the telephone.”
No crime.

“I do understand the importance of the computer. I understand the importance of the blogs.”
Shh. You had me at tech freak.

“But I am forcing myself … let me put it this way, I am using the computer more and more every day.”
He just ordered “Take the mystery out of using the World Wide Web” from the Video Professor.

“It doesn’t mean that I have to e-mail people,” he said. “Now, I read e-mails,” he added, saying his staff is “constantly showing them to me as the news breaks during the day.”
His staff tells him they have “emails” to show him whenever “news breaks,” but its all an elaborate plot to get him to practice his memory games on the computer.

“I use a computer almost every day. I go on different web sites … ours and the various media.”
My friends, it’s Peanut Butter Jelly Time.

“We passed the ban on Internet taxes, which was vital, I think, in the growth of the Internet. We had constant hearings … about new technology that was being developed.”
Key phrase: “I think.” Left out: “But then again, I no shit about teh internetz.”

Godot July 29, 2008 at 6:57 pm

[re=47204]weirdiowasculpture[/re]: At this rate McCain will have to beg for donations after the election like Hillz, just to pay for all the shit he broke.

lilblackcorvette July 29, 2008 at 7:06 pm

i could be more familiar with the intertubes myself. Like what’s up with wonkette on my mobile? it downloads ads only.

The Incomparable Tiny Valdez July 29, 2008 at 7:08 pm

I mean really, do we need this internet thing anyway? Is it that important?

AxmxZ July 29, 2008 at 8:02 pm

[re=47091]Botswana Meat Commission FC[/re]: John isn’t very good at steering airplanes either.

Sabre_Justice July 29, 2008 at 9:13 pm

At least to me, it seems a pretty carefully worded speech. One he definitely didn’t write. The Repugs have seen plenty of their kin become laughing stocks due to tech slip-ups after all.

crookedE July 29, 2008 at 9:40 pm

He is trying, people. He has finally stopped looking for the magic elves in his “Presto”.

DangerousLiberal July 29, 2008 at 10:52 pm

“But I am forcing myself … let me put it this way, I am using the computer more and more every day.”

Ok, let’s read into this–there are so many potential meanings:

1. He’s forcing himself to use the unknown intertubes and computer technology, and, for an old dude, finding some things useful, like his web site and the WSJ editorial page. Must be using a Mac or a linux box.

2. He’s forcing himself to do everything in linux at the command line, because GUIs like Ubuntu are for total pussies.

3. His machines are all running Vista, and he’s forcing himself to use that shit because even he can’t get Dell to upgrade his computers to XP. He’d rather use XP, and, if he can’t talk to someone not in Bangalore or Hyderabad, he’s going to authorize an airstrike on Redmond before he does anything about Iran.

expatinOz July 29, 2008 at 11:58 pm

“I do understand the importance of the computer. My friends at Diebold have explained that the hacking thereof is my only fucking chance to win this election if I keep this crap up.”

shortsshortsshorts July 30, 2008 at 2:37 am

ALllaah!!!!!!1!

And four more years of Diebold.

Pelagius July 30, 2008 at 7:30 am

Flibbledy-flee! I’m ANGRY and I’m OLD!

DangerousLiberal July 30, 2008 at 11:05 am

And what’s with Nikita Kruschev in the lower right hand corner. Have the rooshans discovered electricity? Oh shit!

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