modern communications

John McCain Loves Pennsylvania So Much He Will Get A Post Office Box There

John McCain will quit the Pony Express and go steady with the USPSWhen a gentleman loves a state very very much, he gives it a box of chocolates and then asks it to go “parking” with him, and then he gropes it for a while and if his love is truly true, he opens up a “post office box” in that state. Thus, a declaration from John McCain’s campaign that the candidate intends to open up a PO box in Pennsylvania means he is serious about romancing the voters there.

Barack Obama has like a million campaign offices in Pennsylvania, while John McCain has negative fifty, but none of this matters because John McCain will take back PA for the Republicans in the fall through his postal wizardry.

“You’re just starting to see the tip of the iceberg,” McCain’s state campaign manager, Ted Christian, said of visits by the candidate and surrogates. “I think he’ll open his own post office box here. This state is of the utmost importance to the senator.”

He will go to his post office box every day and even though it’s empty he will stick his hand in there to feel around and mutter, “Hmm, sumbuddy must be stealing my mail,” and then he’ll try to strike up a conversation with the postal clerk who thinks to herself, “I need to be paid a lot more than eight bucks an hour to put up with this depressing shit.”

Obama ahead in local Pa. campaign offices [Philadelphia Inquirer]

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About the author

Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

View all articles by Sara K. Smith

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30 comments

  1. AngryBlakGuy

    …you have to excuse WALNUTS! late reaction on this, because he was just told last week that the pony express no longer exist!

  2. Noodle Salad

    The PO Box is the tip of a giant iceberg of outdated communication devices. McCain will win the bitters with telegrams and Christianized Incan runners who can travel from coaltown to misbegotten coaltown.

  3. itgetter

    And then McCain will grumble about how the postal service hasn’t been the same since Richard Bache replaced Ben Franklin as Postmaster General.

  4. spencer

    They forgot to mention that he is getting a PO box so he can check his email when he is in PA.

  5. shortsshortsshorts

    And soon the technology to bring mail via wagon will be accessible and available to all.

  6. magic titty

    I don’t want to see anymore of Walnuts’ iceberg, Teddy boy. The ‘tip’ was plenty.
    Incidentally, Cindy McCain can fit a whole iceberg in her mouth.

  7. lumpenprole

    Why do people even contribute to this man’s campaign at all? He’s just going to rent motel ballrooms, bother people at small restaurants, open post office boxes and write angry letters to the NYT.

  8. SayItWithWookies

    McCain has one area office, in Blue Bell, Montgomery County.

    Because if you can only have one office — Blue Bell is the metropolis from which you can access the entire state.

  9. AngryBlakGuy

    …McCain is the old guy who comes to the post office in a bath robe and slippers and complains about the price of stamps going up year.

  10. ManchuCandidate

    For a guy who claims that he knows how to win, he’s really not showing it. Obama whumped Clinton in large part to a well organized and PREPARED team on the GROUND.

    Typical Naval Airdale dumbass. Thinking that bombing the electorate with bumbling commercials at 25000 ft is so much better than organizing on the ground.

  11. BobLoblawLawBlog

    He’s going to have everyone send their contributions in the form of buffalo-head nickels, which he will then use to buy the state a frosty sarsaparilla.

  12. masterdebater

    What’s a post office box? Oh, wait, I remember those! But I thought republicans were all over this intertube stuff now. It’s supposed to be the latest fad!..all the kids are doing it.

  13. superfecta

    Will Cindy’s dirty money be allowed to pay for said post office box (whatever that might be)? I mean, we have real beer here, not the crap she gets her money from.

  14. Seanibus

    Perhaps he can buy my house in Philadelphia so I can finally get out of this lousy state.

  15. sanantonerose

    You know, if I ever have to start dating again and use those online services, I’m definitely putting “orphans preferred” in my profile.

  16. villageatrois

    Post office box in the Quaker State, which caused a California earthquake? He’s going bi-coastal! This is so much better than just going postal on the c*nt he loves for a living. Jamacaine! Change you can fear.

Comments are closed.