John Kerry Party Boat Craziness!

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Kerry's O-FaceHere’s your beloved 2004 presidential loser John Kerry, enjoying a “B.J.” on the docks of Nantucket, where he encountered a “party boat” full of these gals, especially this one with the “penis straw” (for practice) and then this one with the “crotch shot.” All of this is on, of course, because John Kerry is the new whoever-they-write-about guy!

John Kerry, of course, issues statements about everything, so it’s no surprise his office would issue some lame statement about this outrage of teen alcoholism and fatness:

“As Sen. Kerry and two friends left dinner at the Straight Warf restaurant on Nantucket and walked down the dock, a large group on a boat recognized Senator Kerry and asked if they could have a photo taken. The group came off the boat and onto the dock, took a photo with Sen. Kerry and his friends, and then Sen. Kerry and his two friends immediately walked away. End of story”

And you know what? That’s probably the truth.

Then the girls and their cardboard suitcase of Bud Lite got back on the S.S. Tacky and immediately sank to the bottom, where they were all eaten by lobsters.

John Kerry For Party President [TMZ]

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Outstando

    It’s big of him to be on good terms with the Bush twins.

  • shortsshortsshorts

    Wow, that’s almost Kerry boring. I’m surprised those girls didn’t pass out from the general lack of energy he has and his ability to suck the life out of people.
    Kerry/Illegitimate Father ’04!

  • Darehead

    And then he went home to a party gal doing a Heinz ketchup shot.

  • 4tehlulz

    “Oh suck it. Suck it. Suck it you bitch.”

    Repeat that phrase in your head in Kerry’s voice. I’m stunned that everyone who’s ever slept with him didn’t change teams.

  • NotUrEvryDayWEzl

    Everybody had matching towels
    Somebody went under a dock
    And there they saw a rock
    It wasn’t a rock
    It was a rock lobster!!!!!

  • tunamelt

    We just had an earthquake and my building is still rolling.

  • Darehead

    Cartoonists never had it so easy.

  • magic titty

    I’ve always said John Kerry could yawn through an orgasm. Now here’s proof!
    Kerry/Baby Daddy ’04!

  • Advocatus_Diaboli

    Those are some ugly women. I don’t think Teresa has anything to worry about.

  • Big Al1317

    Those girls’ red eyes are scary.

  • EnBuenOra

    I’m kind of surprised that by the last photo, they weren’t all asleep, maybe even the photographer…

  • donner_froh

    Amazing that someone can look as bored/uncomfortble while getting a serial blowjob from drunken college kids as he does.

  • SayItWithWookies

    [re=46829]tunamelt[/re]: That was the earth reeling from Ted Stevens getting indicted and John Kerry being photographed partying on the same day.
    Srsly though, hope you’re okay.

  • Noodle Salad

    There once was a senator from Nantucket
    Who threw his purple hearts in a bucket
    When some drunk teen twats
    Wanted to jump on his yachts
    He said “If you would check the record, you would see that I actually voted for the Straight Wharf, before I voted against it. In fact, my policies on this have been quite…” Ahhhh, fuck it.

  • NotUrEvryDayWEzl

    [re=46829]tunamelt[/re]: Ecstasy can have noticeable effects for well over twelve hours. I suggest you take advantage of this opportunity for amusement by causing it to jizz on various coworkers’ possessions.

  • mookworthjwilson

    What warf does Barney Frank go to? Badum ching!

  • Lazy Media

    Imagine the txting afterward. OMG! Me N Krsty met John Kry! Hes ta11 Brng, tho. Drnk now! Prty!

  • ManchuCandidate

    Those Lurch photos make Eddie Murphy’s foray into music sound not-so-lame.
    “Yes, I want to Party all the time, Party all the time…”

  • Gopherit v2.0

    [re=46829]tunamelt[/re]: The news is calling it a 5.8. Hope you weren’t near the epicenter……that’s big enough to setthe crazy loose in L.A.

    Kerry looks hammered.

  • whiteasasheet

    no way man. I was thinking this was a lie but now i dont no and is it real or what shit
    [re=46842]Noodle Salad[/re]: Excellent!

  • shortsshortsshorts

    [re=46850]Gopherit v2.0[/re]: Please GAWD let there be riots.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …Im starting to think John Kerry is an androgynous Ken doll without any genitalia! isn’t the point of being recognized by drunken groupies getting laid?!

  • tunamelt

    [re=46850]Gopherit v2.0[/re]: Currently, I’m in downtown LA, so I got to enjoy the rolling sensation of my tall building. You know, after I dive-bombed under my desk.

  • TGY

    This is a ‘scandal’? Even Kerry’s ‘scandals’ are boring. He’s like an excitement vampire, sucking (as ’twere) the excitement from life and leaving the detritus (mostly papers and the smell of virginity).

  • S.Luggo

    Those Nantucket teen prostitutes, so rowdy.

  • Tawmn

    [re=46829]tunamelt[/re]: Us too… felt it in San Diego. You?

  • Servo

    The guy can sleep through a lap dance.

  • GlennBecksTaint

    that orgy looks elitist

  • masterdebater

    Isn’t this the way Gary Hart got famous? Copier!

  • jagorev

    If the girl in that pic is giving Kerry a beej, then his peenor must be about 25 feet long. God, it’s like TMZ has never even heard of perspective.

  • columnv

    [re=46825]4tehlulz[/re]: that was awesome

  • columnv

    [re=46890]GlennBecksTaint[/re]: they’re so elitist that up-skirt shots are of black, gramma panties.

  • MoodProcessor

    “Rain. Spain. Monkey Brain.”

  • blackdontcrack

    who dat white boy in this photo?

    me want.

  • actor212

    That penis straw must have been modeled on Republicans.

  • Delicious

    John Kerry, the talking mule-faced senator.

  • mookworthjwilson

    Where these girls part of that pact to all get pregnant, using homeless men and United States Senators if need be?

  • thefrontpage


  • BadNewsJack

    wow, talk about a buzz kill.

  • MrAgro

    you know despite the fact that we had to endure 4 more years of endless, bloody war and unprecedented incompetence on just about every Federal level save from the Bureau of Shotguns in Faces, i’m really, really glad John Kerry isn’t running a presidential re-election campaign right now.

  • sanantonerose

    Uhhh, who are those other “older dudes” posing so gleefully in the photo with teh young girls?

  • thefrontpage

    KERRY-DUKAKIS IN 2008!!!

  • Neilist

    Herman Munster attends a Playboy Mansion Party . . . IN HELL!

  • Boo_Boo_Hoff

    Gary Hart looked way happier on the Monkey Business

  • IBelieveInFiatMoney
  • populucious

    This official statement will be cold consolation when the Senator shows up with a black bar across his face on the next Girls Gone Wild Nantucket DVD.

  • jeffers

    You’d thing the junior senator from Massachusetts would have the decency to wait until the senior senator was actually dead before stealing his moves

  • spiked

    He looks so tired and dull there.
    Mike at