LURCH  2:36 pm July 29, 2008

John Kerry Party Boat Craziness!

by Ken Layne

Kerry's O-FaceHere’s your beloved 2004 presidential loser John Kerry, enjoying a “B.J.” on the docks of Nantucket, where he encountered a “party boat” full of these gals, especially this one with the “penis straw” (for practice) and then this one with the “crotch shot.” All of this is on, of course, because John Kerry is the new whoever-they-write-about guy!

John Kerry, of course, issues statements about everything, so it’s no surprise his office would issue some lame statement about this outrage of teen alcoholism and fatness:

“As Sen. Kerry and two friends left dinner at the Straight Warf restaurant on Nantucket and walked down the dock, a large group on a boat recognized Senator Kerry and asked if they could have a photo taken. The group came off the boat and onto the dock, took a photo with Sen. Kerry and his friends, and then Sen. Kerry and his two friends immediately walked away. End of story”

And you know what? That’s probably the truth.

Then the girls and their cardboard suitcase of Bud Lite got back on the S.S. Tacky and immediately sank to the bottom, where they were all eaten by lobsters.

John Kerry For Party President [TMZ]

Related video

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.


Outstando July 29, 2008 at 2:39 pm

It’s big of him to be on good terms with the Bush twins.

shortsshortsshorts July 29, 2008 at 2:39 pm

Wow, that’s almost Kerry boring. I’m surprised those girls didn’t pass out from the general lack of energy he has and his ability to suck the life out of people.
Kerry/Illegitimate Father ’04!

Darehead July 29, 2008 at 2:41 pm

And then he went home to a party gal doing a Heinz ketchup shot.

4tehlulz July 29, 2008 at 2:42 pm

“Oh suck it. Suck it. Suck it you bitch.”

Repeat that phrase in your head in Kerry’s voice. I’m stunned that everyone who’s ever slept with him didn’t change teams.

NotUrEvryDayWEzl July 29, 2008 at 2:43 pm

Everybody had matching towels
Somebody went under a dock
And there they saw a rock
It wasn’t a rock
It was a rock lobster!!!!!

tunamelt July 29, 2008 at 2:43 pm

We just had an earthquake and my building is still rolling.

Darehead July 29, 2008 at 2:43 pm

Cartoonists never had it so easy.

magic titty July 29, 2008 at 2:43 pm

I’ve always said John Kerry could yawn through an orgasm. Now here’s proof!
Kerry/Baby Daddy ’04!

Advocatus_Diaboli July 29, 2008 at 2:46 pm

Those are some ugly women. I don’t think Teresa has anything to worry about.

Big Al1317 July 29, 2008 at 2:46 pm

Those girls’ red eyes are scary.

EnBuenOra July 29, 2008 at 2:47 pm

I’m kind of surprised that by the last photo, they weren’t all asleep, maybe even the photographer…

donner_froh July 29, 2008 at 2:47 pm

Amazing that someone can look as bored/uncomfortble while getting a serial blowjob from drunken college kids as he does.

SayItWithWookies July 29, 2008 at 2:47 pm

[re=46829]tunamelt[/re]: That was the earth reeling from Ted Stevens getting indicted and John Kerry being photographed partying on the same day.
Srsly though, hope you’re okay.

Noodle Salad July 29, 2008 at 2:49 pm

There once was a senator from Nantucket
Who threw his purple hearts in a bucket
When some drunk teen twats
Wanted to jump on his yachts
He said “If you would check the record, you would see that I actually voted for the Straight Wharf, before I voted against it. In fact, my policies on this have been quite…” Ahhhh, fuck it.

NotUrEvryDayWEzl July 29, 2008 at 2:49 pm

[re=46829]tunamelt[/re]: Ecstasy can have noticeable effects for well over twelve hours. I suggest you take advantage of this opportunity for amusement by causing it to jizz on various coworkers’ possessions.

mookworthjwilson July 29, 2008 at 2:49 pm

What warf does Barney Frank go to? Badum ching!

Lazy Media July 29, 2008 at 2:50 pm

Imagine the txting afterward. OMG! Me N Krsty met John Kry! Hes ta11 Brng, tho. Drnk now! Prty!

ManchuCandidate July 29, 2008 at 2:52 pm

Those Lurch photos make Eddie Murphy’s foray into music sound not-so-lame.
“Yes, I want to Party all the time, Party all the time…”

Gopherit v2.0 July 29, 2008 at 2:52 pm

[re=46829]tunamelt[/re]: The news is calling it a 5.8. Hope you weren’t near the epicenter……that’s big enough to setthe crazy loose in L.A.

Kerry looks hammered.

whiteasasheet July 29, 2008 at 2:53 pm

no way man. I was thinking this was a lie but now i dont no and is it real or what shit
[re=46842]Noodle Salad[/re]: Excellent!

shortsshortsshorts July 29, 2008 at 2:53 pm

[re=46850]Gopherit v2.0[/re]: Please GAWD let there be riots.

AngryBlakGuy July 29, 2008 at 2:56 pm

…Im starting to think John Kerry is an androgynous Ken doll without any genitalia! isn’t the point of being recognized by drunken groupies getting laid?!

tunamelt July 29, 2008 at 3:00 pm

[re=46850]Gopherit v2.0[/re]: Currently, I’m in downtown LA, so I got to enjoy the rolling sensation of my tall building. You know, after I dive-bombed under my desk.

TGY July 29, 2008 at 3:00 pm

This is a ‘scandal’? Even Kerry’s ‘scandals’ are boring. He’s like an excitement vampire, sucking (as ’twere) the excitement from life and leaving the detritus (mostly papers and the smell of virginity).

S.Luggo July 29, 2008 at 3:01 pm

Those Nantucket teen prostitutes, so rowdy.

Tawmn July 29, 2008 at 3:02 pm

[re=46829]tunamelt[/re]: Us too… felt it in San Diego. You?

Servo July 29, 2008 at 3:05 pm

The guy can sleep through a lap dance.

GlennBecksTaint July 29, 2008 at 3:08 pm

that orgy looks elitist

masterdebater July 29, 2008 at 3:15 pm

Isn’t this the way Gary Hart got famous? Copier!

jagorev July 29, 2008 at 3:21 pm

If the girl in that pic is giving Kerry a beej, then his peenor must be about 25 feet long. God, it’s like TMZ has never even heard of perspective.

columnv July 29, 2008 at 3:27 pm

[re=46825]4tehlulz[/re]: that was awesome

columnv July 29, 2008 at 3:28 pm

[re=46890]GlennBecksTaint[/re]: they’re so elitist that up-skirt shots are of black, gramma panties.

MoodProcessor July 29, 2008 at 3:43 pm

“Rain. Spain. Monkey Brain.”

blackdontcrack July 29, 2008 at 3:46 pm

who dat white boy in this photo?

me want.

actor212 July 29, 2008 at 3:50 pm

That penis straw must have been modeled on Republicans.

Delicious July 29, 2008 at 3:54 pm

John Kerry, the talking mule-faced senator.

mookworthjwilson July 29, 2008 at 4:14 pm

Where these girls part of that pact to all get pregnant, using homeless men and United States Senators if need be?

thefrontpage July 29, 2008 at 5:02 pm


BadNewsJack July 29, 2008 at 5:18 pm

wow, talk about a buzz kill.

MrAgro July 29, 2008 at 5:25 pm

you know despite the fact that we had to endure 4 more years of endless, bloody war and unprecedented incompetence on just about every Federal level save from the Bureau of Shotguns in Faces, i’m really, really glad John Kerry isn’t running a presidential re-election campaign right now.

sanantonerose July 29, 2008 at 5:28 pm

Uhhh, who are those other “older dudes” posing so gleefully in the photo with teh young girls?

thefrontpage July 29, 2008 at 7:04 pm


Neilist July 29, 2008 at 8:17 pm

Herman Munster attends a Playboy Mansion Party . . . IN HELL!

Boo_Boo_Hoff July 29, 2008 at 8:22 pm

Gary Hart looked way happier on the Monkey Business

IBelieveInFiatMoney July 29, 2008 at 11:20 pm
populucious July 30, 2008 at 12:03 am

This official statement will be cold consolation when the Senator shows up with a black bar across his face on the next Girls Gone Wild Nantucket DVD.

jeffers July 30, 2008 at 7:49 am

You’d thing the junior senator from Massachusetts would have the decency to wait until the senior senator was actually dead before stealing his moves

spiked October 15, 2008 at 4:19 am

He looks so tired and dull there.
Mike at

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: