HEROES  2:14 pm July 29, 2008

More On Ted Stevens Being Screwed For Life

by Jim Newell

Today, a federal grand jury indicted Alaskan Sen. Ted Stevens on seven counts of “filing false financial disclosures.” Stevens is the biggest catch in a four-year-old corruption investigation involving pretty much all Alaskan politicians, one that’s complicated not because of the crimes committed — lots of bribery, basically — but because there was so freaking much crime to investigate. His indictment comes almost exactly a year after federal agents raided his home, and now he will go to jail and lose his Senate seat and remind everyone how evil the powerful Republicans are.

Basically, a company offered Stevens money, gifts, and services, and he accepted them and then lied about it (he didn’t really think this one through):

The seven-count indictment charges Stevens with making false statements by failing to disclose things of value he received from the Veco Corp., an Alaska-based oil services company, and from its CEO, Bill Allen, over an eight-year period. The indictment charges that those included substantial improvements to Stevens’ home in Girdwood; automobile exchanges in which he received new vehicles that were worth far more than the old ones he exchanged; and household goods.

At the same time, according to the indictment, Stevens received solicitations for official actions from Allen and other Veco employees, and used his office on behalf of Veco. The federal Ethics in Government Act requires all senators to file financial disclosure statements detailing their transactions during the previous calendar year, including the disclosure of gifts above a specified value and all liabilities greater than $10,000.


Just a year ago, federal agents raided Mr. Stevens’ home following questions about renovations at the home. A few months before that, an Alaska businessman Bill J. Allen admitted to bribery, and in court papers acknowledged making $243,000 in possibly illegal payments to a state lawmaker identified only as “Senator B.” That abbreviation referred to Senator Ted Stevens’s son, Ben Stevens.

Eh, such a boring investigation. It would be cooler if he was indicted for like… trying to have sex with little Malaysian boys… or duck-fucking… being a fat loser… whatever.

Ted Stevens indicted on corruption charges [Anchorage Daily News]
Senator Ted Stevens Indicted in Corruption Case [NYT/The Caucus]

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nietzscheprojectile July 29, 2008 at 2:18 pm

Meh. Small potatoes. This would be more fun if sodomy were involved.

Spence July 29, 2008 at 2:20 pm

This is all part of the environmentalist conspiracy to prevent drilling in ANWAR! WE must drill everywhere NOW! Drill on the Mall! In Lincoln’s lap! Drill in Ted Steven’s hair! It’s our only salvation!

ReelectTilden July 29, 2008 at 2:20 pm

He should resign and let Governor Palin appoint her Eskimo husband in his place. Or a polar bear. Either way.

AfghanVet July 29, 2008 at 2:20 pm

“There is no charge for awesome.”

ph7 July 29, 2008 at 2:20 pm


Alaskans might be feeling a little buggered.

masterdebater July 29, 2008 at 2:21 pm

So, basically, lying and bribery, but just a whole bunch of times. See, if you think of it like that, and remember that he is a Republican from one of the few states left that still loves our president, and his party, it doesn’t seem so bad…Does it?

RuperttheBear July 29, 2008 at 2:21 pm

“Renovation” is secret Alaska-talk for sex with your uncle. UNCLE-FUCKEr!

denver_80203 July 29, 2008 at 2:22 pm

[re=46773]nietzscheprojectile[/re]: that can all be solved with a little pound me in the tubes federal jail time.

freakishlystrong July 29, 2008 at 2:25 pm

He’s a REPUBLICAN, he won’t be screwed for life, he’ll be a “news anylyst” on Fux…c’mon peeple…

Lionel Hutz Esq. July 29, 2008 at 2:25 pm

Imagine how many Republicans would be indicted if Bush and friends hadn’t totally politicized the Justice Department. Hell, you basically have to walk around with a big button saying “I’m corrupt” for Justice to even care now days.

[re=46773]nietzscheprojectile[/re]: In fairness, when he was in his 60s he was big into sodomy, but times makes fools of us all.

Darehead July 29, 2008 at 2:25 pm

There goes the Dream Team. As in ZZZZZZZZZ.
But, I wonder if I can get a refund on the 200 McCain-Stevens’08 buttons I ordered.

There’s something about Teds. I dunno what, but somethin, weird, that is.

AngryBlakGuy July 29, 2008 at 2:25 pm

…these new Republican scandals suck! Cant we go back to the old days when Senators were caught skull fukking pages in mens room bathroom while paying an undercover cop 20 bucks to anally fist him?!

NotUrEvryDayWEzl July 29, 2008 at 2:26 pm

Ducking is what my phone’s predictive text usually spills out when i’m trying to be forceful via txt

BadNewsJack July 29, 2008 at 2:26 pm

This scandal can use some more zazzing up, like a gay polar bear forced into his underground sex dungeon where he feeds on the carcasses of Alaskan Inuit girl scouts while Stevens and his Muslim boy servant take turns blowing their dog while lobbyists shove fistfuls of money up their asses. Now THAT is a scandal.

WIDTAP July 29, 2008 at 2:27 pm

I am a little disappointed in the links in this article. We were promised duck fucking and only got an alleged duck hand job.

More A-list material please, Jim.

Larry Fine July 29, 2008 at 2:29 pm

This guy can get some cool-looking prison tatoos when he is inside, and when he gets out, the chicks will oooh and aaah when they see them.

Kos July 29, 2008 at 2:30 pm

The tubes will be made of steel.

Gopherit v2.0 July 29, 2008 at 2:32 pm

Don’t ever resign, Ted. Take your title with you to the Federal Pen.

Darehead July 29, 2008 at 2:32 pm

Barbara Bush, Sr. called him and demanded that he give her hair style back.

shortsshortsshorts July 29, 2008 at 2:35 pm

Duck Fucking is so much funnier and more interesting.

Duck fucking for all!

spencer July 29, 2008 at 2:35 pm

I hope he enjoys his series of lubes.

Cranky Little Camperette July 29, 2008 at 2:36 pm

Enh. His pardon’ll arrive 1/19.

HedonismBot July 29, 2008 at 2:38 pm

Sen. Tubes – shown here stealing what looks to be a bag of breakfast cereal from what looks to be a retarded child. Apparently the home ec class walked in on him while he was indulging his “apron and powdered wig fantasy.” Tubes has a fop fetish, and these schoolchildren were scarred for life when they caught him in the act. There may still be a bizarre sex scandal in here somewhere…

donner_froh July 29, 2008 at 2:40 pm

Justice Department, as usual, is on top of things. Stevens has been looting the treasury and sending it to Alaska since 1968–1964 if you count the House Reps–and it took until now to get around to investigating him.

No hot animal sex, no sodomizing Boy Scouts…no wonder they couldn’t be bothered.

magic titty July 29, 2008 at 2:40 pm

Isn’t Obama from Alaska, or Wichita, Kenya or something? Can’t they just blame this on that Communist, troop-hatin’ poof and move on with their lives?

HomoPolitico July 29, 2008 at 2:42 pm

And so DuckFuckuly comes to a close.

trojanjustin July 29, 2008 at 2:43 pm

That picture is in poor taste, if only due to the sad untimely passing of Estelle Getty last week.

Terry July 29, 2008 at 2:46 pm

The ironic thing is that he’s probably done far worse than this. Sort of like catching Capone on tax evasion.

Studge July 29, 2008 at 2:47 pm

[re=46806]Darehead[/re]: And Martha Washington called HER to make the same demand.

TGY July 29, 2008 at 2:53 pm

Everybody does time in Siberia at some point in his life.

Godot July 29, 2008 at 3:00 pm

If you wanted to get political favors, you’d wait until Stevens drove by in his big truck, and you’d just dump something on.

Cape Clod July 29, 2008 at 3:03 pm

Makes you wonder if being the champion for a half billion dollar bridge to serve about twenty two people might have drawn a little too much attention to himself.

GayInMaine July 29, 2008 at 3:07 pm

The closest this gets to a true Republican scandal is that his home is in ‘Girdwood’.

Hooray For Anything July 29, 2008 at 3:11 pm

I wonder what this means to the airport in Anchorage, you know, the Ted Stevens Intl. Airport.

Sasquatch July 29, 2008 at 3:13 pm

Every time a Republican senator gets indicted, an angel gets its wings.

Franklin Pierce & Pierce July 29, 2008 at 3:17 pm


DangerousLiberal July 29, 2008 at 3:31 pm

[re=46779]ReelectTilden[/re]: Ahh, but the last politician not to be indicted, GILF Palin, is now in a tad of aqua caliente involving the head of the State Troopers and her attempts to get a trooper fired who just happens (gasp) to be her sister’s ex husband or something. Jeezus, I don’t know if any of this is right–just to go to adn.com and make my former employer happy that they’re getting so many hits from exotic IP addresses in, like West Virginia and whatnot.

DangerousLiberal July 29, 2008 at 3:33 pm

[re=46896]Hooray For Anything[/re]: They named it after him because it was almost killed there in a plane crash in 1979 (really)—there was a blinding green flash, and when he emerged, a scar the shape of $ was found on his forehead. Hmmmm.

Terry July 29, 2008 at 3:42 pm


Well, at least Palin was actually elected to office. AK has an odd history of politicians being appointed, then folks letting them stay in office in perpetuity.

Scooter July 29, 2008 at 4:04 pm

Dang, I guess I’ll have to find a new guy to call when this strange picture box on my desk stops working!

HedonismBot July 29, 2008 at 4:09 pm

[re=46968]Terry[/re]: I know what you mean. I’m from The Great State of Wyoming, where Sen. Barrasso was appointed to replace Sen. Craig Thomas, who died several years after he was appointed to replace retiring Sen. Al Simpson.
Barrasso will probably die in office because the Repubs will never raise primary opposition against one of their own, and God forbid the Dems ever EVER raise real opposition to the GOP, who so obviously suit this state just fine thank you very much. I come from a county where there is not a single Democratic opponent to any of the county’s five GOP state legislators.
It’s a travesty of a Good Ol’ Boy system, and a lack of a functioning democracy. Then again, maybe I’m just one of teh bitterz.

Maus July 29, 2008 at 4:17 pm

[re=46782]masterdebater[/re]: Pretty much the only thing that could disgust their constituents enough to vote Dem would be for the Rep to do all this while endorsing DARWINISM.

FreshCliches July 29, 2008 at 4:24 pm

If it’s pretty much all Alaska pols, this greatly improves my chance to see Governor Palin in a prison mov-, UM, “documentary”.

thefrontpage July 29, 2008 at 5:04 pm

I’m Ted Stevens, and I approved this indictment.

thefrontpage July 29, 2008 at 5:05 pm

Is there some way that the Justice Department or the Homeland Security Department, or even FEMA, can just move in, fire all of Alaska’s dumb politicians, and put in an emergency government to run things, like HUD does with local housing authorities?

It’s worth thinking about.

And what the hell is in the drinking water in Alaska?

TGY July 29, 2008 at 5:15 pm

[re=47131]thefrontpage[/re]: And what the hell is in the drinking water in Alaska?

Booze. To keep it from freezing.

Rev. Juan MessyCan July 29, 2008 at 5:23 pm

[re=46810]Cranky Little Camperette[/re]: You know, I’m not sure whether your point scares me or comforts me: -(9/11)=1/19? Is something coming on ’10? (to fully reverse 9/11/01)…

lawrenceofthedesert July 29, 2008 at 5:25 pm

At his age, Teddy will get his doctor to report his suddenly failing health at the sentencing hearing, and he will avoid jail time. Where will he wind up? At “the chalet,” is my prediction — the very memorial to graft that busted him in the first place. That’s about as close to irony as the geezer gets, no? But if it allows his Democratic opponent to walk into the Senate, than it’s not irony for its own sake, which is bad for the arteries.

WindbagCity July 29, 2008 at 5:57 pm

[re=46951]DangerousLiberal[/re]: this is the perfect out, though- Palin could appoint herself to the Senate and become the nation’s first SILF!!

thefrontpage July 29, 2008 at 7:06 pm

If Palin isn’t indicted, herself!!!!

Jason July 29, 2008 at 7:15 pm

I feel bad. Senator Stevens only has 3 internet friends. Senator Craig has 30! Why doesn’t anyone like Senator Stevens?


No one loves you when you’re at the top (unless you count little boys in bathrooms)

The Incomparable Tiny Valdez July 29, 2008 at 7:16 pm

Why does the place name Girdwood sound slightly pornographic?

Packherd July 29, 2008 at 7:32 pm

Fools! The awesome might of Ted Stevens – Dwarf King of the Senate – cannot be constrained by your pitiful human notions of ‘justice’ and ‘ethics.’ No mortal can defeat him!

Johnny Zhivago July 29, 2008 at 9:45 pm

I mean, a US Senator taking a few million in bribes, or a hot tip on stocks or a share in a real estate development is one thing.

But taking a new refrigerator and some 4×8 sheets of plasterboard is quite another.

Johnny Zhivago July 29, 2008 at 9:47 pm

[re=46779]ReelectTilden[/re]: No, she should appoint Captain Phil from the Cornelia Marie since he obviously will be missing next year’s King Crab season.

donner_froh July 29, 2008 at 11:27 pm

Gov. Hottie, concerning Stevens: When asked about the Stevens indictment, Palin, who ousted fellow Republican Gov. Frank H. Murkowski in 2006 on a platform advocating higher ethics said: “news such as this rocks the foundation of our state.”

Or, conversely, …this…rocks

alby July 29, 2008 at 11:34 pm

I don’t thing this requires any explanation.

The 3-Legged Man July 30, 2008 at 1:04 am

His myspace page had something like 30 million hits today. It almost brought the tubes of the internet to a standstill. Very chilling.

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