BUY MY CEREAL!  4:35 pm July 25, 2008

Why Do You Love Blogs, Losers?

by Ken Layne

Oh hey, could you take a few minutes to do this survey? It is about the blogs, and it is done by our advertising company, BlogAds, so it helps them figure out how to pay us to do Wonkette, for you, for free! Total magic. “Please take my Blog Reader Project survey.” So needy! We like our headline better. [Blog Reader Project]

 
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Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 67 comments }

Rev. Juan MessyCan July 25, 2008 at 4:37 pm

For you, Wonkette, anything.

Oh, wait, I thought you were Clooney.

Never mind… back to work.

AngryBlakGuy July 25, 2008 at 4:37 pm

…well I blog because my mother didn’t love me enough and it give me a sense of importance!

Lionel Hutz Esq. July 25, 2008 at 4:38 pm

For what it’s worth, your first link is broken. Which seems in keeping with these tubes thingys.

Rev. Juan MessyCan July 25, 2008 at 4:39 pm

linc Es brokeded?

Ken Layne July 25, 2008 at 4:40 pm

TRY AGAIN

NotUrEvryDayWEzl July 25, 2008 at 4:48 pm

“Wonkette – the most amazing political gossip ever. At least that’s what Ken Layne told me to right while threatening my dog. ”

My testimonial.

queeraselvis v 2.0 July 25, 2008 at 4:50 pm

Damn. Too long. But I finished it anyway. You’re welcome, Ken, Sara, and Jim.

Doglessliberal July 25, 2008 at 4:51 pm

OK, I did it. And you are not even giving me a prize.

PeteJayhawk v2.0 July 25, 2008 at 4:53 pm

No prizes? No survey.

OK, fine, I’ll do it. But I won’t be happy about it.

NotUrEvryDayWEzl July 25, 2008 at 4:54 pm

[re=44755]NotUrEvryDayWEzl[/re]: You used “right” and not “write” because that text was copied and pasted. YOU DUMB ASS

Lionel Hutz Esq. July 25, 2008 at 4:54 pm

All right, I understand asking how often I drink, but “How often do you travel by Segway?” So the Demographic you are hoping for is JOB Bluth?

pondscum July 25, 2008 at 4:56 pm

When did Studio 60 get back on the air?!?

iwillsavethispatient July 25, 2008 at 4:56 pm

Who wants to bet that the major theme to the testimonials will be “Big Sale on Truck Nutz”?

Doglessliberal July 25, 2008 at 4:56 pm

[re=44765]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Didn’t you love that one? And the piercings and tattoos one? What are they getting at here, hmmmmm?

Doglessliberal July 25, 2008 at 4:58 pm

[re=44769]iwillsavethispatient[/re]: BIG $ALE ON TRUCK NUTZ is the theme of our lives.

CollegeStudent July 25, 2008 at 5:00 pm

If you feel like it, write a testimonial for the blog that sent you here:
Truck Nutz Rule

The Incomparable Tiny Valdez July 25, 2008 at 5:02 pm

They sure wanted to know a lot. And you had to get to the very end to confess your alcoholism.

Ken Layne July 25, 2008 at 5:02 pm

Hahahaha …. thank you all. I didn’t know some blogs were offering prizes. BlogAds did not mention that to me; they just said “RUN THIS FUCKING SURVEY OR WE CUT YOU OFF, NO MORE MONIES & AMERICAN APPAREL GALS IN SWIMSUITZ.”

WadISay July 25, 2008 at 5:04 pm

It’s OK that I gave them my SSN, PIN, credit card numbers and passwords, right?

Doglessliberal July 25, 2008 at 5:05 pm

[re=44779]Ken Layne[/re]: well, hell, all you had to do was threaten to cut us off from the American Apparel Chicks. You’d have a mass survey-taking so large, the server would crash. Though I don’t know if Swimsuit Girl engenders the same reaction that Slim Slack Girl did.

Lionel Hutz Esq. July 25, 2008 at 5:07 pm

[re=44770]Doglessliberal[/re]: I only mentioned the ones that you can see when I’m out in public.

freakishlystrong July 25, 2008 at 5:07 pm

I put “Wonkette” in as my religion…

Doglessliberal July 25, 2008 at 5:10 pm

[re=44786]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: I bet the world would be shocked (horrified, repulsed) at the secret tattoos and piercings hidden beneath the grey suits of Washington lawyers.

WagTehGod July 25, 2008 at 5:10 pm

I checked all the boxes on my ethnicity. I AM racial transcendence.

[re=44769]iwillsavethispatient[/re]: Damn, thought I was the only one. I called Layne the “Dogfather of TruckNutz”

sanantonerose July 25, 2008 at 5:11 pm

“Who’s the me in media?”

Is this survey gonna be like some “I’m OK You’re OK” thing?

Quietly July 25, 2008 at 5:11 pm

Is it wrong that I had to turn around and ask my very hung over boyfriend, “Do I drink ‘several times a week,’ or every day?”

I also had to admit to shopping at Wal-Mart in the past month and getting all my TV news from The Daily Show. Thank you, Wonkette, for making me come to terms with my self.

PioBaroja July 25, 2008 at 5:15 pm

Was I the only one at the end who got filled in how there’s a bunch of money in a bank in Switzerland that this Nigerian general had and that I am going to be allowed to help get it out? ‘Cause if y’all want in on the deal, I haven’t like, you know, sent the whole hundred thou yet. Also, my testimonial centered on the fact that I love Wonkette even more than I love Truck Nutz.

The Incomparable Tiny Valdez July 25, 2008 at 5:21 pm

I told them I spent $100,000-$149,000 per month, and that I own Slim Slacks in all 30 colors. Hope that helped, guys.

sanantonerose July 25, 2008 at 5:27 pm

I WILL NEVER EVER RIDE A SEGWAY. EVER.

Why was this even a question? OK, now I’m paranoid. Will my responses be auto-culled since I answered “no?”

Seek July 25, 2008 at 5:30 pm

I hope this was okay: Wonkette is perfection itself. I can not go a day without perusing their spectacularly interesting site. I hope one day to have Wonketteer tattooed across my body to proclaim my loyalty. Ken and the Gang Uber Alles!

itgetter July 25, 2008 at 5:31 pm

[re=44769]iwillsavethispatient[/re]: And here I thought I was being original.

NotUrEvryDayWEzl July 25, 2008 at 5:31 pm

[re=44811]The Incomparable Tiny Valdez[/re]: I told them I spent about $30,000 a year, and made between $10 and 20,000, both of which are true. Now they know I’m a debtor!

itgetter July 25, 2008 at 5:34 pm

[re=44765]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: COME on!

assholette July 25, 2008 at 5:34 pm

I decided it would only be appropriate to write “Ron Paul 2008!” twenty five times in the testimonial.

Lionel Hutz Esq. July 25, 2008 at 5:38 pm

[re=44804]PioBaroja[/re]: At the end, they just promised me that I would produce more ejaculate.

NotUrEvryDayWEzl July 25, 2008 at 5:38 pm

This is the STORY of Wonkette and the Slim Slack Girl:

http://www.twix.com/

Play the interactive movie. Srsly.

jagorev July 25, 2008 at 5:44 pm

I filled it out. Now your advertisers can craft their ads for geeky, elitist, unstylish single male college grads who drink a lot, have never voted before, and make 45-60k. Which means, I believe, that there will be more ads along the lines of Slim Slacks/SWIM/Snorg girl.

Also, it asked me to leave my email address for prizes. I did. I hope the prize is a whore diamond.

jagorev July 25, 2008 at 5:47 pm

[re=44795]WagTehGod[/re]: I said Layne had the finest TRUCKNUTZ in all of Christendom. I thought I was being original, but I see now that I am part of the hivemind.

assholette July 25, 2008 at 5:49 pm

[re=44819]sanantonerose[/re]: it should have been “have you ever been issued a disorderly conduct citation or been convicted of a DUI while on a Segway.” Because the answer for most here should “yes” and “yes.”

sanantonerose July 25, 2008 at 5:53 pm

[re=44841]assholette[/re]: Hmmmmm. Or public indecency on a Segway. Perhaps I could be persuaded after all…

Monsieur Grumpe July 25, 2008 at 5:54 pm

I was rather offended by the “How often do you change your oil?” question. I don’t know why. I just was. Now, where do I send the bill?

itgetter July 25, 2008 at 5:59 pm

[re=44834]NotUrEvryDayWEzl[/re]: I should not have done that.

Until this very moment I’ve been able to successfully push aside all of the feminist rage I acquired in women’s studies classes in my quest to become an unoffendable snarky blog commenter. But now… Oh my god. Am I becoming a Hilltard? Is this what that feels like?

assholette July 25, 2008 at 6:02 pm

[re=44846]sanantonerose[/re]: I can see it now: a figure wearing nothing but a The Batman mask approaches on his/her trusty Segway heaving huge handfuls of Truck Nutz at the gawking crowd, proclaiming the wonder that is the Big Sale. A hero is born. This could be the official Wonkette mascot.

FreshCliches July 25, 2008 at 6:11 pm

Fuck fuck, fuckity fuck, fuck santorum fuckity fuck smegma, fuckity buttsex fuck fuck.

And that’s why I like the interblog tube-o-spheres.

Tawmn July 25, 2008 at 6:15 pm

Segway is a chain of grocery stores, right?

DangerousLiberal July 25, 2008 at 6:16 pm

[re=44765]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: No shit. Segway? WTF? And no questions about my tin foil hat, or the cheetos dust in my navel? Christ!

V572625694 July 25, 2008 at 6:17 pm

[re=44800]Quietly[/re]: One did have to wonder at the narrow range of choices on the “How often do you drink?” question. Missing were “hourly,” “constantly,” “whenever I have money,” and many others.

NotUrEvryDayWEzl July 25, 2008 at 6:24 pm

[re=44851]itgetter[/re]: It might. I suggest valium.

The Incomparable Tiny Valdez July 25, 2008 at 6:41 pm

Doesn’t segway mean to make a transition from one thing to another smoothly and without interruption? Ex: The conversation segued from travel anecdotes to food.
–noun

ProfessorJukes July 25, 2008 at 6:56 pm

[re=44768]pondscum[/re]:
Studio 60 back on the air? What about Scarborough Country?
And they had Tim Russert’s name next to “Meet The Press”. Somebody should tell them that Tim was killed by Scooter Libby’s operatives several weeks ago.

wheelie July 25, 2008 at 7:11 pm

- Sir, we’ve got a respondent here who is left-handed, changes his oil frequently, reads The Reader’s Digest and commtes 1h30min every day. What do we pitch him?

That McCain Myth of a Maverick book.

Um . . . . ok. I also have a left-handed woman who invests in segways professionally, reads detective novels and watches Colbert.

Again, that McCain: Myth of a Maverick book.

My cousin in Australia has a cold –

Myth of a Maverick. Get out of my office. Now.

wheelie July 25, 2008 at 7:12 pm

[re=44890]wheelie[/re]: “Commutes”. Asshole. And you thought you were so funny, didn’t you? Ha, ha.

natoslug July 25, 2008 at 7:14 pm

I filled out the survey. So when do I get the Slim Slacks girl back?

NotUrEvryDayWEzl July 25, 2008 at 7:21 pm

[re=44893]natoslug[/re]: You’ll never get her back. You’ll soon desire her so much that you will click through the entire directory of American Apparel trying to find her, clicking “add to my cart” on every item, and check out, all the while hoping to catch even the barest glimpse of her… and even then, you shall be left unsatisfied, blue-balled and desiring of death itself to finally end the agony.

Low overhang July 25, 2008 at 7:57 pm

Ok I filled the survey out do I win the chance to be the presumptive VP now

Rev. Juan MessyCan July 25, 2008 at 8:33 pm

[re=44891]wheelie[/re]: Oh, “Commutes”!

That makes me feel better. For a moment I thought I was going to have to start timing how long I spend “comm[en]ting” on this site. Which is probably going to be 1h30min out of every hour now that I actually joined (instead of my daily rollercoaster of chuckling and cursing y’all).

I work hard for my whore diamonds (like most other men of the cloth).

The Incomparable Tiny Valdez July 25, 2008 at 8:46 pm

My commute on the Segway takes only four hours roundtrip.

jagorev July 25, 2008 at 8:58 pm

[re=44915]Rev. Juan MessyCan[/re]: Actually, the survey did ask how long a week you spend commenting on blogs. I said 11-15 hours, which is funny because it’s probably true.

Bathroom Goblin July 25, 2008 at 9:10 pm

I had to masturbate, again, to figure out what hand I use.

ALIVE! July 25, 2008 at 9:40 pm

[re=44837]jagorev[/re]: That reminds me, I haven’t seen PromNightDumpsterBaby here since the Gawker split. Reinvented, or get a real job or something?

Anyway, AA ads >>>>>>>> Gawker Artists.

PioBaroja July 26, 2008 at 2:15 am

I figure this is the best place to post this, since I just found it and was only looking at this site again because I was up to pee and also craving Vietnamese grilled pork vermicelli (not unlike WALNUTS!). Anyway, I was looking at Segways, because todays survey made me feel like less of a man for not having one, and I found this:

http://www.ferraristore.com/e-shop.des/page,shop.flypage/product_id,13527/category_id,66/

Regards

SayItWithWookies July 26, 2008 at 8:27 pm

Apparently I watch tv and drink a lot. That’ll give me a lot to think about later tonight over beer and ultimate fighting.

wallythepug July 27, 2008 at 7:33 am

They asked if I used a Segway and if I went to Walmart, but I was surprised not to be asked if I took the Segway to Walmart. WTF?

PeteJayhawk v2.0 July 27, 2008 at 3:45 pm

We’d better get to see the results.

sanantonerose July 27, 2008 at 8:22 pm

[re=44920]The Incomparable Tiny Valdez[/re]: HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!

sanantonerose July 27, 2008 at 8:25 pm

[re=44986]PioBaroja[/re]: ELEVEN THOUSAND DOLLARS??!! For a Segway? Maybe if the damn thing made me breakfast in the morning, massaged my shoulders, and came with a vibrator attachment.

Botswana Meat Commission FC July 28, 2008 at 9:04 am

I TRAVEL BY SEGWAY….HOURLY!!!!

/Big sale on Truck Nutz

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