Wonkette
Sure, you may heart Barack Obama and want him to be president or whatever, but you probably have a friend or spouse or somebody who is ridiculous about his/her lurve for St. Barack of Obama. We just got a copy of Mathew Honan’s new book, Barack Obama Is Your New Bicycle, which is based on the goofy website of the same name, and which is a kind of perfect summary of how Certain People really love their President Barry a little too much.
The inspiration for all this was Honan’s wife or girlfriend or somebody who, prior to constantly talking about how great Barack Obama is, was always talking about her previous fad/addiction, which was riding a bicycle.
“Barack Obama is your new bicycle,” Honan told her, cruelly, and then ran off to write a quickie book. Here are some other things that Barack Obama has become for you and done for you, in your mind, according to this book:
- Barack Obama left a comment on your blog
- Barack Obama checked under your bed for monsters
- Barack Obama built you a robot
- Barack Obama parsed your error
- Barack Obama spent the afternoon setting up your router
He really cares!
Barack Obama Is Your New Bicycle [Website]
Barack Obama Is Your New Bicycle [Book]
stupid.
Barack Obama refinanced your subprime!
Barack Obama told the FBI about all the nasty, nasty Web sites you visited!
I will KILL anyone who says I love Obama too much, there is no ‘too much’.
Barack Obama sucked your cock.
Barack Obama popped my cherry
Barak Obama is your orgasm
Hey, Barack Obama is my JFK. I never had a JFK before (Clinton was a good president, but too much of a cheating weasel to be JFK (who was also a cheating weasel, but a SECRET cheating weasel)).
Ich bin ein fanboy.
…Barack Obama brings beer and meat to your BBQ and not just ice and cups purchased from the corner gas station.
I’m gonna ride my new bike, long and hard.
…Barack Obama ejaculates light sweet crude and bags of rice!
AngryBlakGuy: Best so far!
Barack Obama is your new bicycle? How ‘leetist. Why not appeal to the other AA’s: Average Americans!
Barack Obama is your new Budweiser tallboy.
Barack Obama is your new SUV.
Barack Obama is your new bag of Cheetos.
Barack Obama is your new magnetic “Support Our Troops” ribbon.
Barack Obama is your new fried cheese stick.
AngryBlakGuy: win!!
and love the alt tag.
Obama bought you a birthday present, assuming you’re not his daughter.
I’m certain that the author’s wife is grateful to her husband for writing this book, so its proceeds will help pay for their divorce.
“Barack Obama’s fanboi obsessiveness just earned you a subpoena and a blow-up doll.”
or
“Divorce is Change I can believe in.”
Barack Obama can pull a bandaid off your boo-boo without it hurting, and his kisses have magic healing powers. His saliva is being tested as a pro-life alternative to stem cell research.
More from the website:
“Barack Obama smiled when I said your name.”
“Barack Obama held your hand when you were frightened.”
Oh no. Those two gave me warm feeling in my special place. Am I more of an Obamatard than I realized?
What’s a “Funwall”? Can we go back to making fun of Republicans?
Barack Obama is your new wing man.
Cicada: Barack Obama is your favorite NASCAR. Oh, wait…
Barack Obama will call you again.
Barack Obama is your sit, stay and shake.
Barack Obama tastes like chicken.
Barack Obama went “Weeeee wee wee!” all the way home.
…Barack Obama is the buddy who pushes your “unexpectedly” pregnant girlfriend down the stairs without you having to ask!
…Barack Obama punches your ex-boyfriend in the balls and when he asks why he says “You know why!”
Barack Obama does not get lost driving around the block and crap his pants.
Barack Obama asks for directions.
Barack Obama is the bicyclist who will chase down the douchbag who ran down the local homeless man.
So, if I’m getting this, Mat Honan’s incredibly small penis was the impetus for this book? Did he walk in on his girlfriend getting down with an Obama dildo?
Barack will hold your hand at the mall.
Barack will not expect sex on the first date.
Barack doesn’t mind hanging out with your harpy friends.
Barack thinks your mother’s Ratatouille is delicious.
Barack doesn’t leave hair in the drain.
Barack thinks your belly paunch is cute.
Barack tells you discretely that there is a chive on your tooth.
Barack holds your hair back while your puking.
“Barack” is Indonesian for “Hope.”
AngryBlakGuy: Goddam that’s funny.
wonk_the_heck: Only if you share it with me…
Cicada: Or Barack is your new torque wrench. Ok, my new torque wrench. But I really needed it.
Barack Obama is NOT THE FATHER!
You run backstage and fall on the floor screaming and crying. Barack Obama walks calmly backstage, consoles you and accepts your apology for trying to pin another man’s baby on him. As Barack holds you, he tells Maury will continue to give your child a $1 weekly allowance.
Didn’t they leave the word, seat, off of the end of that sentence?
I’m tired of every lame website becoming a book. How long until Wonkette: The Ass-Fucking Years hits the shelves?
Barack Obama sweats your favorite cologne.
Barack Obama shared an inside joke with you.
Barack Obama gave you a flattering nickname.
Mo MoDo: Totally… http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.com/2008/06/30/stuff-white-people-like-in-stores-tomorrow/
You’ve all seen this site’s hillarious counterpart by now, right?
Barack blows white trash dudes in their limos after doing blow, and then swallows! Sincerely, L. Sinclair
Barack Obama doesn’t make you go. He makes it easier to go.
Barack Obama spooned me.
CometHasTheFloor:
“Hillary dog-eared your book”.
rofl!