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Terrible Michelle And Barack Obama Don’t Give Their Kids Birthday Presents

No presents for you!Well, this is the topper. Barack Obama cannot be the American president because he refuses to participate in our glorious national tradition of giving our children lots of expensive plastic shit for them to choke on all the time. These communist Obamas throw birthday parties for their tots but do not give them actual presents. What other subversive values are the Obamas teaching their children?

  • Chores.
  • They get a crappy $1 weekly allowance.
  • These tragic little girls don’t even get Christmas presents, except from Santa Claus.

This last troubling bit of information suggests Barack Obama’s TRUE religious problem: it’s not that he’s a Muslim, it’s that he’s a Jehovah’s Witness.

Barack Obama Gives Daughter $1 Allowance a Week [People]

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About the author

Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

View all articles by Sara K. Smith

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60 comments

  1. EnBuenOra

    Why aren’t the Obamas letting their children inherit a beer empire? They are secret Indoneso-jihado-Black Pantherists who speak in front of Hitler rallies in Germany and now are trying to surrender to France.

  2. AxmxZ

    Well, that should put to bed any remaining doubts that Obama isn’t a Jew. That crafty 1% of the population was right on the money! Must’ve been all Jews.

  3. ManchuCandidate

    Strange, I thought it was the politician’s prerogative to raise spoiled whiney useless lumps of shit they call kids by letting them run wild and free. Why do you insist on trying to raise well adjusted kids who understand what work and money mean, Barry? Why are you so unAmerican?

  4. magic titty

    I heard that every time they lose a chomper, the Tooth Fairy comes and beats them with a bag of nickels.

  5. Cape Clod

    [re=43998]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Exactly. If they had any real ambition, they would be training their daughters to be drunken sluts.

  6. toastandlove

    What an elitist! I bet his kids have limited TV time, get grounded when they don’t do their homework, and are forced to finish their vegetables, too. BARRY WHY DO YOU INSIST ON RAISING LITTLE COMMUNISTS???

  7. Mumble Softly

    If this starts a trend, it will be a sad day for the multi-billionaire Communist Chinese owners of cheap Chinese plastic crap manufacturers everywhere.

    I hope this doesnt lead them to “lay off” (shoot in the head) some of their slave laborers.

    For shame Mr. Obama, for shame.

  8. EnBuenOra

    What will happen when one day one of the Obama’s kids is kicked off the golf team? Won’t they know how to sue?

  9. SayItWithWookies

    Yes, but c’mon people — pajama parties at the White House! Isn’t that just adorable?

  10. freakishlystrong

    How will they ever learn the value of the dollars that get stuffed in to their G-strings
    when they inevitably end up on the pole?

  11. Botswana Meat Commission FC

    I think I saw a documentary recently about what happens when politicians spoil their children. It starred Jamie Kennedy performing in some sort of urban falsetto.

  12. BobLoblawLawBlog

    If they keep up this kind of harsh home life, they may never get to watch their girls sue the university they’re attending for kicking them off of a sports team.

  13. Larry McAwful

    The overprivileged own this country, and now this elitist wants to run roughshod over overprivileged values by not buying their love and affection? Who does he think he is?

    At this rate, these girls are never going to be spoiled, drunken fourteen-year-olds tearing around the Beltway in Italian sports cars.

  14. Servo

    It’s just unAmerican not to get anything you want exactly when you want it.
    What about the children?

  15. aviatrix

    He should do a commercial saying how he’s not a secret Muslim, but he is secretly Santa Claus, and thanks for ruining my kids’ Christmas, assholes.

  16. RuperttheBear

    “What? You have reading material?! Go to your prayer rug and pray! I’ll be up to beat the soles of your feet in fifteen minutes!”

  17. WadISay

    I bet Megan McCain’s “allowance” is paid in the form of a line of credit on her plastic. (Obvious retort: be more specific, baby, she’s all plastic.)

  18. WagTehGod

    I wish Barry would teach his kids real values, like how to walk out on their mom because she gets a little chunky.

  19. MoodProcessor

    So, what will the White House chores be for the Obama Tykes?
    Do you think Booshy sets his own table?
    (I bet he puts the fork on the right.)

  20. itgetter

    [re=44026]aviatrix[/re]: Oh man! I also just learned that Obama is Batman. (spoiler alert– Batman would have supported FISA. See the movie). I’m becoming so jaded.

  21. WIDTAP

    Ok, please, enough with the sue the golf team stuff. More post on how the Obama kids will never qualify for LNS.

  22. NoWireHangers

    Well, I hope you’re happy Obamas. There go my dreams of a White House edition of My Super Sweet Sixteen. I guess there just won’t be any platinum stretch Hummer with 24″ spinning rims spewing forth hundreds of prep school friends and acquaintances. I guess you won’t be flying in Hannah Montana on Air Force One. I guess Marc Jacobs won’t be crafting a custom dress for either one of your daughters on the tax payers dime. I am appalled. Sickened.

  23. NoWireHangers

    [re=44013]itgetter[/re]: Sadly, that makes WALNUTS! more like the average American voter.

  24. Terry

    Cripes hanna, these two girls won’t grow up to be the comedy gold mines the Bush twins are, either.

  25. itgetter

    [re=44044]NoWireHangers[/re]: Flying IN Hannah Montana? Goddammit, I want to see that! Boo, Barry!

  26. HS

    Hey, Wonkette, you missed one–the children seem to be made to sleep in some sort of dungeon:

    “‘We have got to go to bed early today, Grandma.’ And they went downstairs, took their baths and went to bed . . . .”

    Also the photo of Barack and Michelle drunk and passed out at their wedding, despite the fact that as his “baby mama,” Michelle was no doubt pregnant with both girls at the time (eh Fox News!):

    http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20214569_5,00.html

  27. Makeithurt

    Hey Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t celebrate BDs either. They also allow black, or taupe, members. Is this Obama candidacy about a Jovy takeover? Sweep off the porch, folks, we got Witnesses comin’.

  28. Narcogoddess

    Either you are saying the big O is really one of the Jacksons or that their kids are gonna turn out like, ghasp, Chelsea Clinton! Wagers anyone?

  29. Monsieur Grumpe

    Maybe we should chip in and send the kids some toys that the parents would appreciate like a lead painted drum set and 500 watt karaoke machine loaded with the best of Barney.

  30. mothermaven

    The secret is that you can buy your kids absolutely no toys and they will have a gazillion toys regardless because of relatives and friends who want to torture you with loud toys that drive you insane until you finally wise up and take the batteries out. Then there are toys that have small pieces that you step on in the dark in the middle of the night.
    Then there are the toys laced with lead and chemicals that are going to lead to an entire generation of people who believe Ronald McDonald is the anti-Christ because he supports gays, and not because clowns are inherently creepy and untrustworthy lot (see the movie “Shakes the Clown”).

  31. Terry

    [re=44067]Narcogoddess[/re]:

    Yep, in 20 years these girls will be BORING. College educated, intelligent, hard working, not killing time until a politically appropriate husband comes along. Where’s the fun in that?

  32. Redhead

    Wait, you guys are missing the most important part. His daughter Malia was born on America’s birthday! What is more patriotic than that?

  33. confusionanddelay<

    [re=44080]mothermaven[/re]: Mine are still young/stupid enough to lie to. “oh that toy? Guess it doesn’t do anything. Let’s just put it over here.” Then some jackass comes over and ‘helpfully’ goes and gets batteries for the fucking thing, ruining my day.

  34. PoliticalGraffiti

    better than what i got on my birthday. microsoft excel…for the future business woman

  35. SweetTea&

    Yeah, those Obamas don’t share my values. I’m teaching my kids important things like that they must hang out with Heidi and Spencer. Slumber parties? If they’re not at the Chateau Marmont I don’t want to hear about it.

  36. Lazy Media

    ALL Demrat presidents fail to spoil their kids. That Amy Carter and Chelsea Clinton both are now elitist college grads with no husbands (Amy may have a wife, but I don’t keep up so much with her).

    FDR is the big winner, tho; all four sons fought in the WWII. Ohhhhh, MITTENS!

  37. Narcogoddess

    Shit. On my birthday I walked uphill in the snow…. No, I remember, I got a bus ticket on the Hellbound Express which I thought ended at the Reagan Years terminal. Reaganomics Part Deux anyone? I didn’t think so – lol!

  38. DemmeFatale

    Oh, you poor, poor, well-meaning parents. Of course NOW you can have your way, but soon they will turn on you like rabid dogs.
    Hell hath no fury like a teenage girl.
    Sad, but true.

  39. Doglessliberal

    [re=43997]AxmxZ[/re]: how can he be a Jew if Santa is bringing them presents for Christmas? Is this a new variant of Judaism?

  40. A Geek Tragedy

    So “one of his wife Michelle’s secret talents” is that “once she gets the rhythm going, she can drop to her knees!” No wonder he always looks so relaxed.

  41. Terry

    [re=44211]DemmeFatale[/re]:
    “Hell hath no fury like a teenage girl.”

    Ain’t that the truth. What with ruining their daughters’ lives and all, it’s a wonder most parents find time to do things like work.

  42. Fear of a Black Reagan

    Here’s how it works. They kick Michelle’s momz some money for taking care of the kids, then she hands a kickback to Natasha and Malia. I’d guess about twenny bucks a piece per week.

  43. jagorev

    No Christmas?! He calls himself a Christian, but he doesn’t even celebrate the birth of our lord and savior in by buying a tree, decorating it with gold and tinsel, and hanging wreaths and weeds all over the house? And he doesn’t even teach his children to worship a fat red idol?

    I mean, all of those things are, like, right there in the Sermon on the Mount. Jesus says: “And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites; make sure you hang up lots of cheap plastic crap from China on a pine tree in remembrance of me.”

  44. breakingnews girl

    It’s just like “Mommie Dearest” when Joan Crawford throws the massive birthday party for Christina. The kid is surrounded by thousands of presents and Joan tells her she can only pick one present and the rest have to be delivered to the orphanage. Booooo! No fun.

  45. AxmxZ

    [re=44221]Doglessliberal[/re]: Sure, Santa brings them presents, but he doesn’t actually give them to the kids – he sells them for allowance money. Which the kids usually don’t have, because dad is not making timely payments. This is supposed to teach them about being future bank CEOs.

Comments are closed.