Liveblogging Barack Obama's Campaign Speech To Germany

Mean old John McCain was all, "Oh yeah, boy? Go fight The Kaiser in Nazi Germany like I did, then we'll see who was tortured." So Barack Obama got on a plane and went to Germany, via every other country in the world, and now he's going to give his famous speech! We are going to liveblog it! You can tell your kids about this day, when you were at work, and Wonkette liveblogged some thing on teevee!

12: 38 PM -- It is actually midnight:38 in Germany, the time when all German children are released from "kinder garten" and go to the "bier platz" to hear American campaign speeches. Look at all those people! It's scary to think what so many crazy Germans might do ... ah, but there's nothing to really worry about. They're just Industrious!

12: 40 PM -- Whoa, there is a live video feed courtesy of Mr. Phone Holster himself, My Barack Obama dot-com. There's a dude standing by the base of the War Dildo. And dear lord, the sound ... the only sound in Germany is some terrible song called "So beautiful and white" ... this is the only sound in Germany. This is why they fell for Hitler -- something different, at least, than this fucking song. "You killed me with your (smile?), So beautiful and white."

12: 43 PM -- Oooooh, it's Bono. Well, that explains a lot.

12: 44 PM -- David Hasslehauf?

12: 45 PM -- And here's an exclusive picture of the speech:

12: 48 PM -- Oh jesus christ, "Sympathy for the Devil"?

12: 49 PM -- THE MUSIC ON THE BARACK OBAMA VIDEO FEED FROM BERLIN IS "SYMPATHY FOR THE DEVIL," WE ARE SERIOUS.

12: 51 PM -- "I shouted out, who killed the Kennedys, when after all, it was yuuuuu and me." So inclusive.

12: 53 PM -- Meanwhile, there's no sign on any cable news channel that Barack Obama is doing anything at all today. CNN has a report on aPeoplemagazine article about the Obama family and how they will not unpack boxes at their house.

12: 53 PM -- New song: Is it "Thriller" by once-black performer Michael Jackson? Ha, this is totally normal for Germany. Germany still thinks Michael Jackson is a big pop star -- it's even worse in Poland, which the Germans destroyed.

12: 54 PM -- Fox News has ... yes, footage of the crowd! It's a big big crowd. Hundreds of thousands of people "potentially listening to this thing," says the Fox bimbo.

12: 56 PM -- Hah, this one Obamatard we know, in Dallas, just made it known that he wants this whole thing TiVo'd and probably archived in Linux so his kids will hate him when he's an old man.

12: 59 PM -- The Europeans and their terrible re-mixes and "mash ups" of old pop songs, mostly from the '80s ... god, they are terrible. (The Europeans.)

1: 02 PM -- MSNBC has switched to a live crowd shot. Huh, we were kind of expecting an all-black crowd, but there seems to be a lot of white Germans.

1: 04 PM -- But there's a nice black lady DRINKING A BEER. So she's a white German, too.

1: 07 PM -- Germany has some nice music, you know? Why not some German music? Maybe a Wagner-Kraftwerk mashup? [That is called "Kraftwerk"--Ed.]

1: 08 PM -- A new poll blah blah something or other ... 13% say America is on the Right Track! That's better than in Germany, where negative 3% think America is "daft punk."

1: 09 PM -- Weird night video of lil' McCain hugging a big lady.

1: 19 PM -- Some weasel is on MSNBC whining about Obama. Andrea Mitchell is acting like this is important. It's one of John McCain's log-cabin Republicans.

1: 22 PM -- He's talking!

1: 22 PM -- Only MSNBC had him live when he began to speak. CNN was on a commercial, I forget what Fox had, anyway ....

1: 23 PM -- He is thanking the Germans, and the Police.

1: 24 PM -- "I know I don't look like the other Americans who have spoken here." Yes, he is much younger than Reagan. And he's much thinner and more attractive than the average American .... wait, some big laugh, what happened?

1: 25 PM -- "This city knows the dream of freedom. You know the only reason we stand here tonight is because men and women from both of our nations came together to struggle, and work ..." Oh he is talking about the Berlin Air Lift! Whew.

1: 26 PM -- The top picture on this post is of the Berlin Air Lift, by the way. It was when Berlin was literally "lifted" by airplanes and flown to Western Germany.

1: 27 PM -- The Berlin Air Lift also brought Hope, says Obama. He's always been with us.

1: 27 PM -- But, you know, the Berlin Air Lift was a real long time ago. Before Barry was born, in fact.

1: 28 PM -- And then the USSR fell apart three decades later, the end.

1: 30 PM -- "Freedom, markets, information, prison camps, walls came tumbling down, revealed a world more intertwined," etc. When is going to speak GERMAN?

1: 32 PM -- So he is going to be president of The World so he can stop all the bad stuff like Global Ice Caps, Danger and Poppies?

1: 32 PM -- Yes, he is going to be World President. Just like in Star Trek.

1: 32 PM -- "On both sides of the Atlantic, we have drifted apart," because Europeans hate Bush and the people who egg him on.

1: 33 PM -- But Europe will ... oh who knows, getting some more coffee now, brb. ;(

1: 36 PM -- "Here, at the base of a massive war phallus, we meet in peace, just like in S. Africa and Belfast." (Bono sings from Heaven.)

1: 36 PM -- "Walls can be torn down," etc. It's all a riff on "Tear Down This Wall," which is maybe remembered by older people in Germany -- bitterly, on the Eastern side, where at least they used to have subsidized rent and some food and beer -- and not at all in America, because jesus that was like 30 years ago, who remembers that?

1: 37 PM -- Well, at least Obama seems to be riled up about this exciting narration from theHitlerHistory Channel.

1: 40 PM -- German hippies will always cheer the No Nukes deal. (They were not so happy to hear Obama talking smack about their heroin dealers.)

1: 43 PM -- Sara is shopping on the J. Crew website. Jim is probably playing "Wii" on his xBoX. Your editor is making his car payment online, and sending terrible e-cards to his friends who recently had birthdays or got savagely mugged at a taco truck in Highland Park.

1: 45 PM -- They should've put a big hoop on that War Column, then Barry could make a three-pointer from downtown Berlin, run off the stage, and then FALCO appears doing "Der Kommisar" and people start mad break dancing, plus lazers and fireworks, and a hugeRon PaulBarack Obama Hindenberg lands gracefully, and out comes LED ZEPPELIN, with the Berlin Symphony Orchestra, cold playing "Kashmir," as Afghan poppies float down from the sky.

1: 47 PM -- Instead, all these Germans are just politely waiting for The Decemberists.

1: 49 PM -- Oh, great. DirecTV just shut off your editor's receiver so it can "download software." 15% complete!

1: 52 PM -- "62% complete ...."

1: 54 PM -- Sara S.

Wow, look at the rope line. All those clutching hands...no wonder they're all Purell addicts.

Sara S.

(politicians)

Jim N.

HAHAHAH this sums everything up: "McCain Swings By German Restaurant to Target Obama"

Jim N.

i will post this

1: 55 PM -- Your editor has no idea what's happening. Let's check the My Barack Obama computer feed! Nothing. Oh wait, DirecTV is back!

1: 55 PM -- Ha ha, Obama said he felt sorry for the McCain campaign this week, as they are lame.

1: 56 PM -- Look at those Germans. Also, is Vladimir Putin his secret service dude now?

1: 57 PM -- Or is that Brian Williams?

1: 58 PM -- Well, Barry looks happy. Yes, that is Brian Williams.

1: 58 PM -- Thanks, Andrea Mitchell, for interrupting everyone so Wonkette could know for sure if that was Vladimir Putin or Brian Williams.

1: 58 PM -- Oh, and now John Kerry will comment, from Washington. Wake us when he finally shuts up in 10 years.

2: 00 PM -- Stock market collapses on news of Obama's hopeful message to the world; Dow down nearly 200.

2: 01 PM -- Now we're on CNN, and let's see what Candy Crowley has to say. She says he rocked. Well, maybe it was better in person.

2: 01 PM -- He has a catch phrase! ("This is our moment. This is our time.")

2: 01 PM -- Your editor needs to stop this now, and go get Mexican Food and a Margarita, and then vanish in the desert wastes for several hours, with Sandpeople and Jawas and robots, because a column is due to a newspaper that pays money, the end.