I WILL SEX YOU AT BENZ CHILI BOWL KTHXBAIThe Great Romancer of Detroit, Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick, may not have confined his sex-LOLs to former aide Christine Beatty. Now the prosecutor in his perjury case, Kym Worthy, has changed the wording in criminal charges to suggest that he was whoring around on women besides Beatty and his wife. In response, this comical doofus said that Worthy was just hoping to use “the racism of this region” against him.

According to the Detroit Free Press, “Prosecutors said they have obtained thousands of still-undisclosed text messages, including some that reveal his intimate relationships with women besides Beatty and his wife.”

[:O OH NOES!! LOLZ!–Ed.]

At least one criminal defense lawyer was dumbfounded. “The only white guys are the lawyers working for the mayor. It leaves me a little confused,” Gail Benson told the paper.

The most hilarious part of this reliably entertaining Freep article comes at the very end, when it is suggested that Kwame Kilpatrick lies about absolutely everything, including kissing his wife:

Kilpatrick said he is continuing to do his job amid the controversy.

“We’ve been able to deal with a $300-million problem in the budget, so I’m just thankful to God to still be able to wake up in the morning, kiss my wife, hug my children and do my job,” he said.

His wife, Carlita Kilpatrick, has been living recently at the family’s home near Tallahassee, Fla., with the couple’s three sons, according to a Detroit News report.

Kwame Kilpatrick should be appointed Attorney General.

Worthy amends charges, brushes off mayor’s accusations [Detroit Free Press]

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  1. Yes, there’s so much racism at work when you testify under oath that you did not have a relationship with your chief of staff during a certain time period when authentic text messages show that, yes, indeed, you did have a relationship with said chief of staff during said period of time. Yes, there’s so much racism involved when you fire whistleblowing police officers and then try to cover it up with bribes and payoffs and extortion. Yes, there’s so much racism involved when you have a wild party at the mayor’s residence with strippers and highly-questionable (not being prude) actions take place at a mayoral residence and then people try to cover it up. Yes, it’s all about racism. Nothing but racism. Just like racism was involved in the Marion Barry case. And the William Jefferson case. And that case involving that mayor in New Jersey, who resigned. Yep, of course, naturally, it’s all about racism. Of course, it has nothing to do with perjury, drug use, graft, fraud, corruption, lying, covering up, misuse of public office, bribery, extortion, wire fraud, tax fraud and numerous other crimes.

  2. hey, you aren’t being fair! For all we know, he has a second family he goes home and hugs and kisses at night. The man clearly has the ability to multi-task.

  3. Not that he isn’t a jackass, but there needs to be some kind of legal rule against asking a guy about his mistress while he’s under oath and the case is more or less unrelated to aforementioned dalliances. I mean, a police whistleblower trial really needed to dig up evidence that he was creepin’?

    Not that I condone it on a moral level, but these prosecutors are such publicty-hungry scumbags themselves. They love nothing more than to a back a politician into a corner over some sexual shit.

  4. Look, he might be slightly off on the details, but I am sure that when Kwame wakes up in the morning, he kisses something and hugs someone, and I am sure some sort of job is performed regularly, though maybe not so much by him as on him.

  5. He’s thankful to god for kissing his wife. But will he still be thankful to god when he has to kiss his ass goodbye from public office?

  6. Somehow, SOMEWHERE, there’s a cracka ass cracka involved!

    “We’ve been able to deal with a $300-million problem in the budget,…”
    [which is partially caused by the city having to defend my sorry ass. “Solved” by selling the US side of the ambassador bridge to a private company]
    “…so I’m just thankful to God to still be able to wake up in the morning, kiss my wife, hug my children and do my job,” he said.
    [Are they her kids, or does he make a few stops on the way to work to get the others in there too?]

  7. Hey ladies in the place I’m textin’ out to ya
    There never was a Detroit kid truer and bluer
    There’s more to me than you’ll ever know
    And I’ve laid more pipe than a big assed plumber
    John Holmes Dirk Diggler or Long Dong Silver
    Date women on QT with the help of my gig as mayoralty
    Words are flowing out just like the Grand Canyon
    And I’m always out looking for a female companion
    I threw a wrench into the questioning cop and smacked him to the curb
    I texted ’bout her boobs and slunk to my crib
    I’m yellin’ and playin’ as I play the race card’n yelling
    I’ll bring you back to the place and your dress I’m feeling
    Your body’s on time and booty is appealing
    Staring at the cracks up there upon the story
    Such and such be the ass that sez I’m sorry
    Texting to a girl telling her I’m all knowing
    She’s talking to the cops
    I’m telling on every lie that you know that I never did

    Hey ladies! Get texting!

  8. I friggin’ love this guy. He has time to juggle a whole string of womenz and still fly down to Florida to kiss his wife who (probably) hates him every single morning.

    You know, he’s such a player, that he probably kisses her BECAUSE she hates him.

    “Is Wayne Brady gonna hafta choke a bitch??”

  9. As a day-glo white girl from (near) Detroit, I say “No Kwame! I am not racist! But I might be prejudiced against your dumb black ass if you don’t quit using racism as a scapegoat! and an excuse to be a fuckhead!”

    Could someone let slip that Detroit is secretly harboring terrorists so Dick and George can put it out of its misery and the rest of us can get on with doing something productive in Michigan?

    Angry rant over…back to work…

  10. YO KWAME!

    Suge Knight called – he wants his wardrobe and his HO’s back. Please return ASAP, you shant be needing them where you’re going

  11. [re=42061]thefrontpage[/re]: The bridge sale is shaky–the Windsor, Ontario side stopped negotiations when the news broke that at least 4 of the 9 members of the Detroit City Council (including the Good Government poster girl Monica Conyers) are targets of an FBI investigation regarding a sludge contract. Those boring white peoples in Canada just don’t understand how things work over here.

    The funniest part of the investigation (so far) is that the FBI guys who have video of payoffs were surprised at how little it took to buy the votes of the city council.

    Detroit is fun city.

  12. [re=42061]thefrontpage[/re]:

    Not only did he have strippers at the mayor’s mansion, but his wife smacked one of the strippers. Oh, and the poor stripper turned up dead under suspicious circumstances shortly there after. Kwame should be running a 3rd world country, not a major American city.

  13. If that’s what qualifies as “sexy texting” in Detroid, there are a whole bunch of women in Michigan that don’t know what they’re missing.

  14. [re=42070]Botswana Meat Commission FC[/re]: The whistleblowers alleged that they were fired, in part, because they discoverd that His Mayorness was diddling his chief of staff. At trial, Mayor Love denied that he was making the beast with two backs with the chiefy, which denial is now the basis of the perjury charge against him.

    The criminal complaint:

  15. [re=42104]donner_froh[/re]: Heh, “Sludge Contract.”

    Sludge Contract.


    Yep. That could very well be the name of my next band.

  16. Being a Detroiter, I should just cancel my cable because all I have to do to get my telenovela fix is to read the front page of the Free Press.

    “Way to go, Detroit!”

  17. People can be so uptight. He’s just carrying on the proud traditions of Detroit’s greatest mayor – Coleman Young. Young once greeted the assembled press corps via telecast with a drink in his hand and a hearty “Aloha Motherfuckers.” (He was in Hawaii at the time).

  18. Botswana, S.Luggo is right. The civil suit in which the Mayor & Chief of Staff perjured themeselves was brought by cops including a deputy police chief who had been in charge of the Internal Affairs section – who alleged he was fired for investigating whether Detroit Police Officers on the mayor’s security detail were being misused, i.e., running interference for Kwame’s dalliances. Part of Kwame’s defense was “weren’t no dalliances,” and another part was “I didn’t fire him” Jury didn’t believe him on either issue, awarded the IA cops about 8 mil. After the trial, the text messages were found, which only confirmed what the civil jury already concluded: Liar! So now comes the criminal case.
    As a Detroit citizen, I just wish this could be a federal offense – It would wonderful comedy to see Kwame as a cellmate of, oh, I dunno, Duke Cunningham, Dusty Foggo….it would play nicely into what ought to be this election’s main theme, “Crime does not pay!” Hang ’em all, hang ’em high.

  19. [re=42097]WonksRunAmuck[/re]: As another Michigander, I have to say that wasn’t a very convincing denial of racist tendencies. Really.

    I would have tried something like “As a day-glo white boy from (near) Detroit, I wish Kwame would stop with the sexy-texting and concentrate on issues that important to me, like the fact that Detroit is losing half its Starbucks stores. Dammit, now where am I supposed to get a latte when I’m called for jury duty?”

    See? That’s how ‘nillas represent.

  20. [re=42244]S.Luggo[/re]: I dont know but I bet on MSNBC’s Locked UP: Wayne County we will see him working wonders in those khakis.

  21. Remember way back in 2005, before teh sex0rs scandal, when Kwame was just a run-of-the-mill corrupt politician? They couldn’t raise $500,000 to keep the Belle Isle Aquarium open (one of the few attractions Detroit has to offer that don’t involve casinos or crack) … BUT he didn’t have any problem buying his wife (and – rumored to be 50 other city employees) CADILLAC ESCELADES using city funds.

    Also, don’t forget that two cops investigating the sex scandal were fired (eventually paid 6.5 million), Kwame MAY have been directly or indirectly for the homicide of a stripper at a sex/gambling party. A party that city investigators failed to be able to determine whether it even occurred (despite the dead hooker).

    REMEMBER ALL OF THIS HAPPENED IN HIS FIRST TERM. HE WAS THEN REELECTED. There’s something to be said for “the man is out to get me” and “bitch set me up” in the court of public opinion.

    Its amazing how much better life can be than … really anything else.'s_Political_Career#cite_note-2

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