THE LOLTHARIO OF DETROIT  11:22 am July 23, 2008

Kwame Kilpatrick Maybe Sex-Texted Other Hot Ladies!

by Sara K. Smith

I WILL SEX YOU AT BENZ CHILI BOWL KTHXBAIThe Great Romancer of Detroit, Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick, may not have confined his sex-LOLs to former aide Christine Beatty. Now the prosecutor in his perjury case, Kym Worthy, has changed the wording in criminal charges to suggest that he was whoring around on women besides Beatty and his wife. In response, this comical doofus said that Worthy was just hoping to use “the racism of this region” against him.

According to the Detroit Free Press, “Prosecutors said they have obtained thousands of still-undisclosed text messages, including some that reveal his intimate relationships with women besides Beatty and his wife.”

[:O OH NOES!! LOLZ!--Ed.]

At least one criminal defense lawyer was dumbfounded. “The only white guys are the lawyers working for the mayor. It leaves me a little confused,” Gail Benson told the paper.

The most hilarious part of this reliably entertaining Freep article comes at the very end, when it is suggested that Kwame Kilpatrick lies about absolutely everything, including kissing his wife:

Kilpatrick said he is continuing to do his job amid the controversy.

“We’ve been able to deal with a $300-million problem in the budget, so I’m just thankful to God to still be able to wake up in the morning, kiss my wife, hug my children and do my job,” he said.

His wife, Carlita Kilpatrick, has been living recently at the family’s home near Tallahassee, Fla., with the couple’s three sons, according to a Detroit News report.

Kwame Kilpatrick should be appointed Attorney General.

Worthy amends charges, brushes off mayor’s accusations [Detroit Free Press]


Hola wonkerados.

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gurukalehuru July 23, 2008 at 11:27 am

I first read the headline as “sex tested.” Either way, Kwame, you’ve got my vote.

RuperttheBear July 23, 2008 at 11:28 am

You should use that picture of him in the fedora, being all gangsta schmoove.

thefrontpage July 23, 2008 at 11:32 am

Yes, there’s so much racism at work when you testify under oath that you did not have a relationship with your chief of staff during a certain time period when authentic text messages show that, yes, indeed, you did have a relationship with said chief of staff during said period of time. Yes, there’s so much racism involved when you fire whistleblowing police officers and then try to cover it up with bribes and payoffs and extortion. Yes, there’s so much racism involved when you have a wild party at the mayor’s residence with strippers and highly-questionable (not being prude) actions take place at a mayoral residence and then people try to cover it up. Yes, it’s all about racism. Nothing but racism. Just like racism was involved in the Marion Barry case. And the William Jefferson case. And that case involving that mayor in New Jersey, who resigned. Yep, of course, naturally, it’s all about racism. Of course, it has nothing to do with perjury, drug use, graft, fraud, corruption, lying, covering up, misuse of public office, bribery, extortion, wire fraud, tax fraud and numerous other crimes.

Doglessliberal July 23, 2008 at 11:32 am

hey, you aren’t being fair! For all we know, he has a second family he goes home and hugs and kisses at night. The man clearly has the ability to multi-task.

Carrie_Okie July 23, 2008 at 11:33 am

Just to piss off every cracka assed cracka.

Cicada July 23, 2008 at 11:33 am

Did he take these other women to Benz Chili Bowl? The public needs to know.

MoodProcessor July 23, 2008 at 11:37 am

“Bitch set me up.”

mookworthjwilson July 23, 2008 at 11:38 am

When does Robocop take over as mayor?

Botswana Meat Commission FC July 23, 2008 at 11:40 am

Not that he isn’t a jackass, but there needs to be some kind of legal rule against asking a guy about his mistress while he’s under oath and the case is more or less unrelated to aforementioned dalliances. I mean, a police whistleblower trial really needed to dig up evidence that he was creepin’?

Not that I condone it on a moral level, but these prosecutors are such publicty-hungry scumbags themselves. They love nothing more than to a back a politician into a corner over some sexual shit.

Mahousu July 23, 2008 at 11:44 am

Look, he might be slightly off on the details, but I am sure that when Kwame wakes up in the morning, he kisses something and hugs someone, and I am sure some sort of job is performed regularly, though maybe not so much by him as on him.

WhatTheHeck July 23, 2008 at 11:46 am

He’s thankful to god for kissing his wife. But will he still be thankful to god when he has to kiss his ass goodbye from public office?

loudmouthredhead July 23, 2008 at 11:47 am

Somehow, SOMEWHERE, there’s a cracka ass cracka involved!

“We’ve been able to deal with a $300-million problem in the budget,…”
[which is partially caused by the city having to defend my sorry ass. "Solved" by selling the US side of the ambassador bridge to a private company]
“…so I’m just thankful to God to still be able to wake up in the morning, kiss my wife, hug my children and do my job,” he said.
[Are they her kids, or does he make a few stops on the way to work to get the others in there too?]

ManchuCandidate July 23, 2008 at 11:49 am

Hey ladies in the place I’m textin’ out to ya
There never was a Detroit kid truer and bluer
There’s more to me than you’ll ever know
And I’ve laid more pipe than a big assed plumber
John Holmes Dirk Diggler or Long Dong Silver
Date women on QT with the help of my gig as mayoralty
Words are flowing out just like the Grand Canyon
And I’m always out looking for a female companion
I threw a wrench into the questioning cop and smacked him to the curb
I texted ’bout her boobs and slunk to my crib
I’m yellin’ and playin’ as I play the race card’n yelling
I’ll bring you back to the place and your dress I’m feeling
Your body’s on time and booty is appealing
Staring at the cracks up there upon the story
Such and such be the ass that sez I’m sorry
Texting to a girl telling her I’m all knowing
She’s talking to the cops
I’m telling on every lie that you know that I never did

Hey ladies! Get texting!

Not_So_Much July 23, 2008 at 11:54 am

I friggin’ love this guy. He has time to juggle a whole string of womenz and still fly down to Florida to kiss his wife who (probably) hates him every single morning.

You know, he’s such a player, that he probably kisses her BECAUSE she hates him.

“Is Wayne Brady gonna hafta choke a bitch??”

loudmouthredhead July 23, 2008 at 11:58 am

[re=42072]Mahousu[/re]: *pssshaw* Semantics. Nothing more!

WadISay July 23, 2008 at 11:58 am

[re=42077]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Brilliant! A love shout-out to the three-and-a-third.

pondscum July 23, 2008 at 12:01 pm

[re=42082]Not_So_Much[/re]: I’m with you. We need more stories about this guy. I’m in awe.

WonksRunAmuck July 23, 2008 at 12:06 pm

As a day-glo white girl from (near) Detroit, I say “No Kwame! I am not racist! But I might be prejudiced against your dumb black ass if you don’t quit using racism as a scapegoat! and an excuse to be a fuckhead!”

Could someone let slip that Detroit is secretly harboring terrorists so Dick and George can put it out of its misery and the rest of us can get on with doing something productive in Michigan?

Angry rant over…back to work…

Mumble Softly July 23, 2008 at 12:07 pm


Mumble Softly July 23, 2008 at 12:08 pm


Suge Knight called – he wants his wardrobe and his HO’s back. Please return ASAP, you shant be needing them where you’re going

donner_froh July 23, 2008 at 12:11 pm

[re=42061]thefrontpage[/re]: The bridge sale is shaky–the Windsor, Ontario side stopped negotiations when the news broke that at least 4 of the 9 members of the Detroit City Council (including the Good Government poster girl Monica Conyers) are targets of an FBI investigation regarding a sludge contract. Those boring white peoples in Canada just don’t understand how things work over here.

The funniest part of the investigation (so far) is that the FBI guys who have video of payoffs were surprised at how little it took to buy the votes of the city council.

Detroit is fun city.

Terry July 23, 2008 at 12:17 pm


Not only did he have strippers at the mayor’s mansion, but his wife smacked one of the strippers. Oh, and the poor stripper turned up dead under suspicious circumstances shortly there after. Kwame should be running a 3rd world country, not a major American city.

Guppy06 July 23, 2008 at 12:18 pm

If that’s what qualifies as “sexy texting” in Detroid, there are a whole bunch of women in Michigan that don’t know what they’re missing.

shortsshortsshorts July 23, 2008 at 12:19 pm

At least the fucker didn’t wear diapers.

S.Luggo July 23, 2008 at 12:26 pm

[re=42070]Botswana Meat Commission FC[/re]: The whistleblowers alleged that they were fired, in part, because they discoverd that His Mayorness was diddling his chief of staff. At trial, Mayor Love denied that he was making the beast with two backs with the chiefy, which denial is now the basis of the perjury charge against him.

The criminal complaint:

Lascauxcaveman July 23, 2008 at 12:58 pm

[re=42104]donner_froh[/re]: Heh, “Sludge Contract.”

Sludge Contract.


Yep. That could very well be the name of my next band.

Mahousu July 23, 2008 at 1:03 pm

[re=42113]Terry[/re]: Um, Detroit is a third world country.

carrythezero July 23, 2008 at 1:22 pm

Being a Detroiter, I should just cancel my cable because all I have to do to get my telenovela fix is to read the front page of the Free Press.

“Way to go, Detroit!”

Botswana Meat Commission FC July 23, 2008 at 1:25 pm


I don’t let facts get in the way of Guy Code!

problemwithcaring July 23, 2008 at 1:36 pm

[re=42070]Botswana Meat Commission FC[/re]: The only time you should ask a man about infidelity is under oath.

problemwithcaring July 23, 2008 at 1:40 pm

[re=42059]RuperttheBear[/re]: Gansta smooth vs pimped all the way out:

S.Luggo July 23, 2008 at 1:50 pm

[re=42229]problemwithcaring[/re]: Will that style be available at the state prison or must Kwame order by mail?

Terry July 23, 2008 at 1:52 pm


You know, it COULD be nice. There is some awesome old architecture there crumbling in the city.

nietzscheprojectile July 23, 2008 at 2:23 pm

People can be so uptight. He’s just carrying on the proud traditions of Detroit’s greatest mayor – Coleman Young. Young once greeted the assembled press corps via telecast with a drink in his hand and a hearty “Aloha Motherfuckers.” (He was in Hawaii at the time).

RonnyJim July 23, 2008 at 4:45 pm

Botswana, S.Luggo is right. The civil suit in which the Mayor & Chief of Staff perjured themeselves was brought by cops including a deputy police chief who had been in charge of the Internal Affairs section – who alleged he was fired for investigating whether Detroit Police Officers on the mayor’s security detail were being misused, i.e., running interference for Kwame’s dalliances. Part of Kwame’s defense was “weren’t no dalliances,” and another part was “I didn’t fire him” Jury didn’t believe him on either issue, awarded the IA cops about 8 mil. After the trial, the text messages were found, which only confirmed what the civil jury already concluded: Liar! So now comes the criminal case.
As a Detroit citizen, I just wish this could be a federal offense – It would wonderful comedy to see Kwame as a cellmate of, oh, I dunno, Duke Cunningham, Dusty Foggo….it would play nicely into what ought to be this election’s main theme, “Crime does not pay!” Hang ‘em all, hang ‘em high.

Michael Bauser July 23, 2008 at 4:46 pm

[re=42097]WonksRunAmuck[/re]: As another Michigander, I have to say that wasn’t a very convincing denial of racist tendencies. Really.

I would have tried something like “As a day-glo white boy from (near) Detroit, I wish Kwame would stop with the sexy-texting and concentrate on issues that important to me, like the fact that Detroit is losing half its Starbucks stores. Dammit, now where am I supposed to get a latte when I’m called for jury duty?”

See? That’s how ‘nillas represent.

problemwithcaring July 23, 2008 at 4:48 pm

[re=42244]S.Luggo[/re]: I dont know but I bet on MSNBC’s Locked UP: Wayne County we will see him working wonders in those khakis.

civan93 July 23, 2008 at 10:25 pm

Remember way back in 2005, before teh sex0rs scandal, when Kwame was just a run-of-the-mill corrupt politician? They couldn’t raise $500,000 to keep the Belle Isle Aquarium open (one of the few attractions Detroit has to offer that don’t involve casinos or crack) … BUT he didn’t have any problem buying his wife (and – rumored to be 50 other city employees) CADILLAC ESCELADES using city funds.

Also, don’t forget that two cops investigating the sex scandal were fired (eventually paid 6.5 million), Kwame MAY have been directly or indirectly for the homicide of a stripper at a sex/gambling party. A party that city investigators failed to be able to determine whether it even occurred (despite the dead hooker).

REMEMBER ALL OF THIS HAPPENED IN HIS FIRST TERM. HE WAS THEN REELECTED. There’s something to be said for “the man is out to get me” and “bitch set me up” in the court of public opinion.

Its amazing how much better life can be than … really anything else.'s_Political_Career#cite_note-2

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