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They were all born in the Mill.Oh man, weren’t we done with this guy? When did everybody know he had affairs and mistresses? We knew in October — if by “knew” you mean we posted some crap that the National Enquirer “reported” and the Huffington Post repeated. But now, suddenly, it seems there might be a pretty good prime-time speech slot open on probably Tuesday at the Democratic Convention, because John-John’s got (an alleged) love child!

The important question is not “Why is John Edwards cheating on his wife who had cancer?” We know that answer: He’s a Democratic politician. They have affairs with ladies. The important question is “Why do we have to hear about this again now?”

The answer is “Because a tabloid caught him with the mistress and the baby at a hotel!” A love child? Jesus! Bill Clinton must feel a million years old tonight. Joe Klein, too.

Details, according to the National Enquirer: Edwards was in L.A. on Monday, to do some homelessness event with cheating LA mayor Antonio Villaraigosa. Then Edwards was spotted that night, sneaking into the Beverly Hilton, supposedly where his mistress had two rooms rented. Then he tried to sneak out, at 2:40 a.m. Tuesday morning. And the tabloid reporters chased him into a restroom, and the security chased off the tabloid reporters, the end?

SEN. JOHN EDWARDS CAUGHT WITH MISTRESS AND LOVE CHILD! [National Enquirer]
How Did Edwards Affair Stay Hidden? [Gawker]
John Edwards ‘Caught in Affair’ at Beverly Hills Hotel [LAist]
John Edwards In Mistress- and Secret Love Child-Having Scandal [Gawker]

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96 COMMENTS

  1. [re=41858]Canuckledragger[/re]: Are those inverted TruckNutz on her bosom? Such potency would certainly explain how she accomplished such a feat.

  2. When I heard about this earlier I just saw the words “National Enquirer” and tuned out. But people really think it’s true, huh?

  3. [re=41870]ronaldpagan[/re]: They’ve broken a few decent stories in recent years. Also, the details are such that I would expect actual photos and audio (dare we say video?) of Mr. PrettyPants grabbing up his skirts and scurrying into the bathroom. Ugh. This could get pretty nasty. But, hey, (all together now) at least it was a woman.

  4. [re=41870]ronaldpagan[/re]: snark briefly off….
    I know some Iowans who are prayin’ it’s not, but I bet it is. This is what happens to people who run for President for a full eight years and don’t win. It turns out the came up short because that’s what they do…..

    Sad.

  5. My question is whether Andrew Young, who claimed to be the father of the baby back
    in December, really was fucking her at the time time.

  6. Gesh.

    Couldn’t he find a mistress who own a beer distributorship or something so that dumping the old, crippled/diseased first wife had some economic upside?

    That kind of Wife Upgrading is “Change We Can Believe In!”

  7. [re=41874]Cicada[/re]: Also, there have been bloggers such as “Huffington Post” and “Wonkette” posting this stuff a year ago.

    HuffPo and National Enq. had the most juice on this particular thing, although we’ve heard it from various e-mailers and guttersnipes since ’06 or so.

  8. My thought on this is much like the expression on her face: “Huh?!” But seriously, nothing says love and peace at the same time like the shirt she’s wearing.

  9. [re=41893]Ken Layne[/re]: Ha! Wonkette and Huffington Post make the National Enquirer look like the New York Times. On the other hand, these guttersnipes sound like trustworthy fellows.

  10. [re=41898]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: I agree. Mojo Nixon is THE authority on DC gossip. On a related note: I heard Arlen Specter licks toads.

  11. Well, you lying cocksuckers?

    [re=41906]Ken Layne[/re]: We’re still talking, so I guess you will have to carry out your threat. Or are you all talk, no action?

  12. Oh, I’m so grateful for responsible American journalism. An ex-senator who’s not running for freakin’ anything gets caught with a woman and a child? I’m so happy that the babysitters of Whereverthefuck, NC are safe tonight. Oh, by the way, can John McCain tell me which nations fund al-Qaida and which nations fund Hamas? No, but he’s going to invade Iran anyway? Gee, that’s so cute.

  13. Baby Daddy, John Bubba II. What is it about Southern Dems and The Trashy Women Who Love Them? I guess we can be happy that at least it’s not his sister…I think. Best shit-eating grin on that man’s face EVER, btw.

  14. [re=41910]Wagamuffin[/re]: [re=41911]zhubajie[/re]: It all fits. Try to show some compassion, please, for the other American wife:

    One American wife – middle-class American wife – whose needs Washington has long forgotten [poor lady, living in a trailer, can’t afford to touch up her roots], another American wife – narrow-interest American wife – whose every wish is Washington’s [ergo, my] command. One American wife that is struggling to get by, another American wife that can buy anything she wants [like my $400 hairdo for the cameras].

  15. Holy cow!

    Few yrs back this woman was quite cute. This affair w/Edwards & having his kid turned her into Camilla Parker Bowles.

  16. Republicans are smarter than this! They only fuck men and little boys, who don’t get pregnant. Outside of Fanfiction.net anyway.

  17. [re=41893]Ken Layne[/re]: Yeah, but Wonkette’ll post anything just to make fun of it. Which, of course, is why we love it.

  18. Actually, the Enquirer has paid so much money in libel suits that it’s pretty on the level now, at least with this stuff. Wow. I like Edwards and wish that someone had taught him how to use contraceptives.

  19. Purely selfishly, I’m really glad he didn’t win. With all this, he might be the one democrat McCain could beat. I think the ‘smart political move’ would have been to ditch the mistress when running for President, but what do I know? Love stinks, yeah yeah.

  20. [re=41870]ronaldpagan[/re]: How can you not trust a publication whose journalists have mastered the art of the exclamation point?!?!

  21. [re=41906]Ken Layne[/re]: All I can say is that, if you don’t know about Mojo Nixon, then your store could use some fixin’.

  22. The National Enquirer pursued Edwards through Two Entire Americas before catching their victim.

    Incidentally, the part of the story with Edwards trying to reportedly run away through the basement of the hotel and then hiding in the bathroom for 15 minutes is actually the most damaging part.

  23. I’m ALL for sex scandals, but does it strike anyone as odd that the Enquirer would stake out a hotel for hours and hours WITHOUT a camera? Where are the pictures?! C’mon! I wanna see the coke-fiend hippie with her hippie coke-fiend baby!

  24. With a gaggle of reporters and an exciting hotel chase and the sneaking in thing….. Where are the fucking pictures?

    Srsly, pics or it didn’t happen. And even if I see the pics, it still didn’t happen.

  25. the greatest rhythm guitar part in history:

    This love we’re contemplating
    Is worth the pain of waiting
    We’ll only end up hating
    The child we maybe creating

    Love child, never meant to be
    Love child, (scorned by) society
    Love child, always second best
    Love child, different from the rest

  26. Mojo Nixon?! Is he still relevant? I haven’t heard him perform since back when he was doing “Barbara Bush Has a Lip Lock on My Love Pork Chop.”

  27. [re=42033]Iggy Plop[/re]:
    Let’s not forget that our peerless editor promised to tell us some SECRETS about Mojo Nixon, and hasn’t done so yet.

  28. “greeted by several reporters from the NATIONAL ENQUIRER” They bring “several reporters” but not a single f***ing photographer? WTF? If this were legit, there would be pics of him entering the hotel, sneeking up the stairwell, down the stairwell, in the basement, and ducking into the bathroom?? And why didn’t the reporter follow him into the mens room??? It was a guy for the love of pete! This story is so fake! Until they post the pics, it is a non-event. Puhleeze!

  29. Oops, sorry, there was a photog, but he/she must be really crappy at the job because there are no pictures of this midnight rendevous. And where are the guests? “Some guests up at this late hour watched the spectacle in amusement from a staircase nearby.” Or the hotel security who escorted Mr. Edwards out of the crapper? No one else is coming forward to say, “Yeah, I was there, saw the whole thing – it was HILARIOUS!”

    And I love how the article quotes the reporter who saw the whole thing – why didn’t he just report it?

  30. What the Enquirer doesn’t know, is that she’s illiterate. And extremely embarassed about this fact. Johnny was just showing up to give her some discrete, late night reading lessson. You know, “See Spot Dick Jane.”

    And if you think that’s pure tripe, at least he didn’t force her to have an abortion. That oughta win over a least a portion of the r-wingers.

  31. Are you telling me that this thing went on over 15 minutes, caused this much ruckus and there isn’t one goddam picture of it? The Enquirer knows he used to be a trial lawyer right. Somebody better start their Westlaw research on “slander”

  32. Why does the dude who pops $400 for a haircut want to grind it with a dame who needs a haircut? Opposites attract? She probably musses his hair and he thinks it’s rough sex.

  33. [re=42265]Iggy Plop[/re]: Before we declare our unworthiness, are we sure there is not a war criminal hidden behind that huge beard? His eyes do kinda sparkle like Rummy’s.

  34. [re=42322]Darehead[/re]: well that backward tilt of the head in the website photos strikes me as a little sinister. what else does ken layne have to hide, i wonder.

  35. Darehead, Mr. Herpes: $114,461 will buy a lot of Root Touch-Up. I believe that money is actaully being used to start a foundation for the follicularily challenged.

  36. waaaait a second.

    This is the national enquirer, right? Then they know the rules – no photo, no story. Unless I see a photo of Edwards cradling a baby or holding the chick’s hand, then this story has no legs.

  37. The photos are next. You spread them out over two or three issues. A lot of NEs will be sold without the photos, and just on the story. It’ll be like a mini-series.

  38. I believe that Hillary Clinton has connections with the National Enquiror. The timing of this seems to favor her in dealing with Barak Obamas “short list” of VP’s. I hope he takes a DNA test, and puts this foolishness to rest.

  39. The actual father of the child is JFK, who is living, but tragically disfigured, on a Greek island purchased by Onassis and run by aliens from another galaxy. Food is no problem, as the island teems with feral hogzillas that often weigh 3,000 lbs. JFK’s only companions on the island are Marilyn Monroe and Elvis, both looking great after being surgically revived from cryogenic preservation.

    Most tabloids have good libel insurance; I wonder if the NE got clobbered with some defamation of character/invasion of privacy stuff that wasn’t covered.

    Suggested motto for a tabloid: “You can’t handle the truth!”

  40. I believe there was a recently passed law in California that a photo cannot be taken (even with a zoom lens) of anyone when in an an area where the subject has a reasonable expectation of privacy. I don’t know whether that would apply to hotel corridors or restrooms, but if so, the NE could have been in a precarious legal position if its photographer had taken such a photo. It could further have jeopardized the job(s) of the person(s) employed by the hotel who may be providing the NE inside information. The photographer probably hoped for an opportunity to snap a photo in a “safe” area (or perhaps really did take some photos while inside, but only to show his supervisors at the NE that the story was legit and not with the intention of publishing them). In addition, if the photographer had tried to snap a photo of the subject while he was entering the hotel, the subject may have changed his plans of going in, thus jeopardizing the story which the NE expected to ensue. Another thing to keep in mind is that polygraph exams are often given of the person reporting such incidences before the NE will publish such a huge story.

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