Alleged John Edwards Mistress-Baby Scandal!

by Ken Layne

They were all born in the Mill.Oh man, weren’t we done with this guy? When did everybody know he had affairs and mistresses? We knew in October — if by “knew” you mean we posted some crap that the National Enquirer “reported” and the Huffington Post repeated. But now, suddenly, it seems there might be a pretty good prime-time speech slot open on probably Tuesday at the Democratic Convention, because John-John’s got (an alleged) love child!

The important question is not “Why is John Edwards cheating on his wife who had cancer?” We know that answer: He’s a Democratic politician. They have affairs with ladies. The important question is “Why do we have to hear about this again now?”

The answer is “Because a tabloid caught him with the mistress and the baby at a hotel!” A love child? Jesus! Bill Clinton must feel a million years old tonight. Joe Klein, too.

Details, according to the National Enquirer: Edwards was in L.A. on Monday, to do some homelessness event with cheating LA mayor Antonio Villaraigosa. Then Edwards was spotted that night, sneaking into the Beverly Hilton, supposedly where his mistress had two rooms rented. Then he tried to sneak out, at 2:40 a.m. Tuesday morning. And the tabloid reporters chased him into a restroom, and the security chased off the tabloid reporters, the end?

How Did Edwards Affair Stay Hidden? [Gawker]
John Edwards ‘Caught in Affair’ at Beverly Hills Hotel [LAist]
John Edwards In Mistress- and Secret Love Child-Having Scandal [Gawker]

Related video

Hola wonkerados.

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Canuckledragger July 23, 2008 at 1:10 am

So, the mistress impregnated the Breck Girl? I’m so confused.

shortsshortsshorts July 23, 2008 at 1:10 am


OH MY GOD WIN WIN WIN!!! I will click on that picture 40 more times.

Buffy and Hildegard July 23, 2008 at 1:15 am

He’s so much prettier than her.

MizLiz July 23, 2008 at 1:24 am

I guess this means he’s been scratched off the Veep List…….

NotUrEvryDayWEzl July 23, 2008 at 1:32 am

[re=41858]Canuckledragger[/re]: Are those inverted TruckNutz on her bosom? Such potency would certainly explain how she accomplished such a feat.

MizLiz July 23, 2008 at 1:34 am

He’s got some ‘splainin’ to do.

Quacker July 23, 2008 at 1:37 am

Let’s hope Barack’s love child isn’t muslim……

Imelda Snarkos July 23, 2008 at 1:38 am

We can be sure of one thing: That love child was born with a full head of hair.

ronaldpagan July 23, 2008 at 1:41 am

When I heard about this earlier I just saw the words “National Enquirer” and tuned out. But people really think it’s true, huh?

Buffy and Hildegard July 23, 2008 at 1:52 am

[re=41870]ronaldpagan[/re]: They’ve broken a few decent stories in recent years. Also, the details are such that I would expect actual photos and audio (dare we say video?) of Mr. PrettyPants grabbing up his skirts and scurrying into the bathroom. Ugh. This could get pretty nasty. But, hey, (all together now) at least it was a woman.

Cicada July 23, 2008 at 1:52 am

[re=41870]ronaldpagan[/re]: Not that this is more valid than the NE, but there have been several right-wing bloggers that have talked about this affair, going waaaay back to 2007.

Quacker July 23, 2008 at 1:53 am

[re=41870]ronaldpagan[/re]: snark briefly off….
I know some Iowans who are prayin’ it’s not, but I bet it is. This is what happens to people who run for President for a full eight years and don’t win. It turns out the came up short because that’s what they do…..


heyzeus July 23, 2008 at 1:55 am

My question is whether Andrew Young, who claimed to be the father of the baby back
in December, really was fucking her at the time time.

Buffy and Hildegard July 23, 2008 at 1:57 am

[re=41870]ronaldpagan[/re]: By way of example, the NE broke the Limbaugh drug story.

shortsshortsshorts July 23, 2008 at 1:58 am


And I have lived to tell the tale.

Neilist July 23, 2008 at 2:00 am


Couldn’t he find a mistress who own a beer distributorship or something so that dumping the old, crippled/diseased first wife had some economic upside?

That kind of Wife Upgrading is “Change We Can Believe In!”

Paultardville July 23, 2008 at 2:09 am

She looks just trailer-trashy enough for his Southern ass.

Ken Layne July 23, 2008 at 2:12 am

[re=41874]Cicada[/re]: Also, there have been bloggers such as “Huffington Post” and “Wonkette” posting this stuff a year ago.

HuffPo and National Enq. had the most juice on this particular thing, although we’ve heard it from various e-mailers and guttersnipes since ’06 or so.

ms_mcgee July 23, 2008 at 2:19 am

My thought on this is much like the expression on her face: “Huh?!” But seriously, nothing says love and peace at the same time like the shirt she’s wearing.

Cicada July 23, 2008 at 2:21 am

[re=41893]Ken Layne[/re]: Ha! Wonkette and Huffington Post make the National Enquirer look like the New York Times. On the other hand, these guttersnipes sound like trustworthy fellows.

ms_mcgee July 23, 2008 at 2:26 am

Cicada: Really? You think the National Enquirer has better DC connections than Wonkette and HuffPo?

shortsshortsshorts July 23, 2008 at 2:27 am

[re=41896]Cicada[/re]: After this, I trust Nixon, and only Nixon.

jennx July 23, 2008 at 2:31 am

This is only game on if NE took photos…or better, video.

Cicada July 23, 2008 at 2:36 am

[re=41897]ms_mcgee[/re]: Joking! Obviously not very well….

Darehead July 23, 2008 at 2:37 am

[re=41897]ms_mcgee[/re]: It’s all about whore diamonds, not connections.

AxmxZ July 23, 2008 at 2:41 am

At least he didn’t get busted in some hotel room with Barry…

Cicada July 23, 2008 at 2:43 am

[re=41898]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: I agree. Mojo Nixon is THE authority on DC gossip. On a related note: I heard Arlen Specter licks toads.

Cicada July 23, 2008 at 2:47 am

[re=41902]AxmxZ[/re]: You mean all that slash fiction wasn’t based on fact? *sigh*

American Dreamer July 23, 2008 at 3:07 am

I think ShortsShortsShorts was staying at the Beverly Hills Hilton that night.

Maybe Edwards was visiting him!

Ken Layne July 23, 2008 at 3:09 am

If you people don’t stop talking about Mojo Nixon I am going to have to tell you some SECRETS about Mojo Nixon.

Darehead July 23, 2008 at 3:58 am

Well, you lying cocksuckers?

[re=41906]Ken Layne[/re]: We’re still talking, so I guess you will have to carry out your threat. Or are you all talk, no action?

SayItWithWookies July 23, 2008 at 4:11 am

Oh, I’m so grateful for responsible American journalism. An ex-senator who’s not running for freakin’ anything gets caught with a woman and a child? I’m so happy that the babysitters of Whereverthefuck, NC are safe tonight. Oh, by the way, can John McCain tell me which nations fund al-Qaida and which nations fund Hamas? No, but he’s going to invade Iran anyway? Gee, that’s so cute.

Wagamuffin July 23, 2008 at 4:13 am

Baby Daddy, John Bubba II. What is it about Southern Dems and The Trashy Women Who Love Them? I guess we can be happy that at least it’s not his sister…I think. Best shit-eating grin on that man’s face EVER, btw.

zhubajie July 23, 2008 at 4:49 am

Can’t he find a better looking woman than that?

Darehead July 23, 2008 at 5:01 am

[re=41910]Wagamuffin[/re]: [re=41911]zhubajie[/re]: It all fits. Try to show some compassion, please, for the other American wife:

One American wife – middle-class American wife – whose needs Washington has long forgotten [poor lady, living in a trailer, can't afford to touch up her roots], another American wife – narrow-interest American wife – whose every wish is Washington’s [ergo, my] command. One American wife that is struggling to get by, another American wife that can buy anything she wants [like my $400 hairdo for the cameras].

worstprezever July 23, 2008 at 5:29 am

Holy cow!

Few yrs back this woman was quite cute. This affair w/Edwards & having his kid turned her into Camilla Parker Bowles.

Sabre_Justice July 23, 2008 at 5:59 am

Republicans are smarter than this! They only fuck men and little boys, who don’t get pregnant. Outside of anyway.

Servo July 23, 2008 at 6:35 am

Talk about contrast!
Deep down, he never quite got over his Lita Ford fetish. I suppose it’s better than Sinead O’Connor.

gurukalehuru July 23, 2008 at 6:38 am

As long as the love child isn’t named Suri, or Shiloh or some stupid shit like that.

Delicious July 23, 2008 at 6:41 am
Johnny Zhivago July 23, 2008 at 6:54 am

[re=41870]ronaldpagan[/re]: It’s on the Internets now, so it must be true.

Anita Cocktail July 23, 2008 at 7:10 am

[re=41893]Ken Layne[/re]: Yeah, but Wonkette’ll post anything just to make fun of it. Which, of course, is why we love it.

Johnny Zhivago July 23, 2008 at 7:12 am

Looks like she’s been THROUGH the Mill.

regisgoat July 23, 2008 at 7:35 am

Actually, the Enquirer has paid so much money in libel suits that it’s pretty on the level now, at least with this stuff. Wow. I like Edwards and wish that someone had taught him how to use contraceptives.

confusionanddelay< July 23, 2008 at 7:45 am

Purely selfishly, I’m really glad he didn’t win. With all this, he might be the one democrat McCain could beat. I think the ‘smart political move’ would have been to ditch the mistress when running for President, but what do I know? Love stinks, yeah yeah.

eyesfriedopen July 23, 2008 at 7:56 am

[re=41870]ronaldpagan[/re]: How can you not trust a publication whose journalists have mastered the art of the exclamation point?!?!

EarBucket July 23, 2008 at 8:01 am


Mahousu July 23, 2008 at 8:10 am

And on a very special episode of Sesame Street …

I had to post this one, since it’s the only one I could find where her hair is as bad as Rielle’s.

loquaciousmusic July 23, 2008 at 8:28 am

Hey, look! Amy Winehouse went platinum blonde!

Botswana Meat Commission FC July 23, 2008 at 8:28 am

[re=41893]Ken Layne[/re]:
Guttersnipes? Have you heard it from sundry ne’er-do-wells, too?

loquaciousmusic July 23, 2008 at 8:29 am

[re=41906]Ken Layne[/re]: All I can say is that, if you don’t know about Mojo Nixon, then your store could use some fixin’.

ReelectTilden July 23, 2008 at 8:34 am

[re=41925]regisgoat[/re]: I think they broke the story about Jesse Jackson’s little indiscretion, too, didn’t they?

EnBuenOra July 23, 2008 at 8:37 am

The National Enquirer pursued Edwards through Two Entire Americas before catching their victim.

Incidentally, the part of the story with Edwards trying to reportedly run away through the basement of the hotel and then hiding in the bathroom for 15 minutes is actually the most damaging part.

Mahousu July 23, 2008 at 8:37 am

[re=41906]Ken Layne[/re]: The fact that Michael J. Fox is actually 0.023% Elvis isn’t really a “secret” any more.

4tehlulz July 23, 2008 at 8:59 am

And here we all thought that David Patterson was the only blind politician around.

PrimaryHack July 23, 2008 at 9:03 am

I’m ALL for sex scandals, but does it strike anyone as odd that the Enquirer would stake out a hotel for hours and hours WITHOUT a camera? Where are the pictures?! C’mon! I wanna see the coke-fiend hippie with her hippie coke-fiend baby!

sanantonerose July 23, 2008 at 9:19 am

[re=41868]Imelda Snarkos[/re]: Ha ha!

WadISay July 23, 2008 at 9:23 am

I wonder if he yelled, “This son of a millworker wants to know, who’s your daddy now?” at teh Supreme Moment.

ALIVE! July 23, 2008 at 9:43 am

[re=41918]Servo[/re]: Lita Ford FTW.

pondscum July 23, 2008 at 9:51 am

[re=41915]worstprezever[/re]: You read my mind! I did a serious double take.

AxmxZ July 23, 2008 at 10:01 am

[re=41904]Cicada[/re]: Of course it was! Barry is just too clever by a half to get caught.

TGY July 23, 2008 at 10:28 am

So, no VP slot for Johnny? Well, that’s a relief.

Voyou Charmant July 23, 2008 at 10:29 am

With a gaggle of reporters and an exciting hotel chase and the sneaking in thing….. Where are the fucking pictures?

Srsly, pics or it didn’t happen. And even if I see the pics, it still didn’t happen.

natteringnaybob July 23, 2008 at 10:33 am

Pssst. Obama has fathered two black children.

JSDC007 July 23, 2008 at 10:34 am

If she were a few pounds heavier, she’d be right up Bill Clinton’s alley.

TheRealJimbo July 23, 2008 at 10:39 am

Is Elvis still in Joan Rivers?

pierce bottoms July 23, 2008 at 10:55 am

the greatest rhythm guitar part in history:

This love we’re contemplating
Is worth the pain of waiting
We’ll only end up hating
The child we maybe creating

Love child, never meant to be
Love child, (scorned by) society
Love child, always second best
Love child, different from the rest

GreatLakesNation July 23, 2008 at 10:56 am

That’s why Barry does the 20 workouts a day – Love & Basketball.

I read it in his basketball diary.

Iggy Plop July 23, 2008 at 10:58 am

Mojo Nixon?! Is he still relevant? I haven’t heard him perform since back when he was doing “Barbara Bush Has a Lip Lock on My Love Pork Chop.”

Deepthroat July 23, 2008 at 11:00 am

This just in, John Edwards has a penis!

Deepthroat July 23, 2008 at 11:02 am

I didn’t think it was possible, but that chick looks like the poor mans version of Dina Lohan. woof.

Doglessliberal July 23, 2008 at 11:11 am

[re=42037]Deepthroat[/re]: yes, that’s who I was trying to think of! Dina Lohan morphing into Camilla Parker-Bowles.

Darehead July 23, 2008 at 11:11 am

[re=42033]Iggy Plop[/re]:
Let’s not forget that our peerless editor promised to tell us some SECRETS about Mojo Nixon, and hasn’t done so yet.

KevoTron July 23, 2008 at 11:17 am

[re=41939]loquaciousmusic[/re]: nice.

Thanatopsis July 23, 2008 at 11:43 am

“greeted by several reporters from the NATIONAL ENQUIRER” They bring “several reporters” but not a single f***ing photographer? WTF? If this were legit, there would be pics of him entering the hotel, sneeking up the stairwell, down the stairwell, in the basement, and ducking into the bathroom?? And why didn’t the reporter follow him into the mens room??? It was a guy for the love of pete! This story is so fake! Until they post the pics, it is a non-event. Puhleeze!

Thanatopsis July 23, 2008 at 11:51 am

Oops, sorry, there was a photog, but he/she must be really crappy at the job because there are no pictures of this midnight rendevous. And where are the guests? “Some guests up at this late hour watched the spectacle in amusement from a staircase nearby.” Or the hotel security who escorted Mr. Edwards out of the crapper? No one else is coming forward to say, “Yeah, I was there, saw the whole thing – it was HILARIOUS!”

And I love how the article quotes the reporter who saw the whole thing – why didn’t he just report it?

MoodProcessor July 23, 2008 at 12:05 pm

What the Enquirer doesn’t know, is that she’s illiterate. And extremely embarassed about this fact. Johnny was just showing up to give her some discrete, late night reading lessson. You know, “See Spot Dick Jane.”

And if you think that’s pure tripe, at least he didn’t force her to have an abortion. That oughta win over a least a portion of the r-wingers.

shortsshortsshorts July 23, 2008 at 12:21 pm

I don’t know if it’s much of a secret… but Mojo Nixon is in fact- a Paultard!

Ohs Noes!

Shadowfax July 23, 2008 at 12:58 pm

Are you telling me that this thing went on over 15 minutes, caused this much ruckus and there isn’t one goddam picture of it? The Enquirer knows he used to be a trial lawyer right. Somebody better start their Westlaw research on “slander”

Mr. Herpes July 23, 2008 at 1:21 pm

Why does the dude who pops $400 for a haircut want to grind it with a dame who needs a haircut? Opposites attract? She probably musses his hair and he thinks it’s rough sex.

Ken Layne July 23, 2008 at 1:21 pm

Hint: Look on the album credits of “Bo-Day-Shus!” and “Elvis is Everywhere,” etc.

shortsshortsshorts July 23, 2008 at 1:37 pm


And yet there is MORE?

If this is in fact, you, Ken Layne, then I don’t know what to do with my life.

“Ken Layne
Harmonica, Vocals, Vocals (Background), Producer, Harmony Vocals, Design”

And now I am stalking my editor on the interwebs.

Iggy Plop July 23, 2008 at 2:05 pm

wow. i has serious new respect for the editor in chief now.

Iggy Plop July 23, 2008 at 2:16 pm
Darehead July 23, 2008 at 2:39 pm

[re=42265]Iggy Plop[/re]: Before we declare our unworthiness, are we sure there is not a war criminal hidden behind that huge beard? His eyes do kinda sparkle like Rummy’s.

whiteasasheet July 23, 2008 at 2:47 pm

It’s not true until Bill O’Reilly says so.

Schadenfried July 23, 2008 at 2:49 pm

Is it me or does the mistress look like Dina “White Oprah” Lohan?

2 whore zironias.

Perrys Mollycoddler July 23, 2008 at 2:51 pm

[re=42165]Shadowfax[/re]: It’s written slander, so actually he should sue for libel.

Iggy Plop July 23, 2008 at 2:52 pm

[re=42322]Darehead[/re]: well that backward tilt of the head in the website photos strikes me as a little sinister. what else does ken layne have to hide, i wonder.

Wagamuffin July 23, 2008 at 3:11 pm

Darehead, Mr. Herpes: $114,461 will buy a lot of Root Touch-Up. I believe that money is actaully being used to start a foundation for the follicularily challenged.

policonoclast July 23, 2008 at 6:06 pm

waaaait a second.

This is the national enquirer, right? Then they know the rules – no photo, no story. Unless I see a photo of Edwards cradling a baby or holding the chick’s hand, then this story has no legs.

American Spectator July 23, 2008 at 7:25 pm

The photos are next. You spread them out over two or three issues. A lot of NEs will be sold without the photos, and just on the story. It’ll be like a mini-series.

stravu9 July 23, 2008 at 10:09 pm

Is this like when Rush was caught in the Caribbean with all those boys and the suitcase full of Viagra and Extasy?

Rasputia July 23, 2008 at 10:42 pm

I believe that Hillary Clinton has connections with the National Enquiror. The timing of this seems to favor her in dealing with Barak Obamas “short list” of VP’s. I hope he takes a DNA test, and puts this foolishness to rest.

lawrenceofthedesert July 28, 2008 at 1:12 pm

The actual father of the child is JFK, who is living, but tragically disfigured, on a Greek island purchased by Onassis and run by aliens from another galaxy. Food is no problem, as the island teems with feral hogzillas that often weigh 3,000 lbs. JFK’s only companions on the island are Marilyn Monroe and Elvis, both looking great after being surgically revived from cryogenic preservation.

Most tabloids have good libel insurance; I wonder if the NE got clobbered with some defamation of character/invasion of privacy stuff that wasn’t covered.

Suggested motto for a tabloid: “You can’t handle the truth!”

Moonbeam August 5, 2008 at 3:59 pm

I believe there was a recently passed law in California that a photo cannot be taken (even with a zoom lens) of anyone when in an an area where the subject has a reasonable expectation of privacy. I don’t know whether that would apply to hotel corridors or restrooms, but if so, the NE could have been in a precarious legal position if its photographer had taken such a photo. It could further have jeopardized the job(s) of the person(s) employed by the hotel who may be providing the NE inside information. The photographer probably hoped for an opportunity to snap a photo in a “safe” area (or perhaps really did take some photos while inside, but only to show his supervisors at the NE that the story was legit and not with the intention of publishing them). In addition, if the photographer had tried to snap a photo of the subject while he was entering the hotel, the subject may have changed his plans of going in, thus jeopardizing the story which the NE expected to ensue. Another thing to keep in mind is that polygraph exams are often given of the person reporting such incidences before the NE will publish such a huge story.

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