NOW YOU'RE GETTING NASTY  8:03 pm July 21, 2008

Who Will Stop McCain’s Latest Slander?

by Ken Layne

Thanks to loyal Wonkette operative PeteJayHawk for sending along this latest item for the Obama Web Smear Team. This evil spam message (which leads to a terrible Internet virus, so don’t look at it too closely) encourages the ugly Internet rumors that Obama is a secret “semi-aquatic mammal” with a “barrel-shaped torso, enormous mouth and teeth, hairless body, stubby legs and tremendous size.”


Hola wonkerados.

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shortsshortsshorts July 21, 2008 at 8:07 pm

There is so much going on in that e-mail, I’m not drunk enough for this. I’m going to freak out now.

FreshCliches July 21, 2008 at 8:07 pm

If that’s the criteria, Gary Busey is a Hippo.

FreshCliches July 21, 2008 at 8:10 pm

Damn, I didn’t even see the good news about Boise at first glance.

Cicada July 21, 2008 at 8:14 pm

Hmmm…a large animal that has to spend its time wallowing in the water because it can’t support its weight on land. Are we sure this rumor wasn’t started by Barry’s camp as a way to convince the bitterz he’s just like them?

cal July 21, 2008 at 8:17 pm

“Marked as junk”? That’s racist!

Joey Ratz July 21, 2008 at 8:19 pm

Yeah! Take that, Boise!

They should have built more McDonald’s.

sezme July 21, 2008 at 8:26 pm

So unfair! Really, how could walnuts truly be sure that Barry isn’t secretly one of these? He’s only being honest. He’s a straight-talker.

Hooray For Anything July 21, 2008 at 8:29 pm

I think this kind of email is dangerous. While we here at Wonkette realize it’s a joke, it won’t be long before the NY Times interviews somebody in Nowheresville Ohio who says that they thought about voting for Obama but aren’t sure anymore because somebody at the general store told them that Obama was a hippopotamus.

Spence July 21, 2008 at 8:33 pm

“Not gay enough”? Have you been to Boise? They’re even represented by a gay in the Senate!

wheelie July 21, 2008 at 8:48 pm

[re=40852]Hooray For Anything[/re]: He’s a damn democrat hippocrit. You know he’s left America now an tryin to become president a’ germany?

Mahousu July 21, 2008 at 8:50 pm

Sure, it might destroy your computer, but c’mon, your computer wasn’t that great anyway. Here’s the original message:

Neilist July 21, 2008 at 8:51 pm


That was Oscar Wilde’s nickname for Alfred Lord Douglas, wasn’t it?


When WAS the last time Senator Craig was spotted attending a performance of “The Importance of Being Ernest.”

Or was it “The Importance of Being IN Ernest”?

I’m confused.

PeteJayhawk v2.0 July 21, 2008 at 8:56 pm

[re=40863]Mahousu[/re]: Whoa. That’s weird (and funny, actually). I wonder who saw that and made it the headline for a spam/virus message.

The worst part is that I actually clicked through on the link out of curiosity. The virus giveaway came when I got a popup asking to install an .EXE file that was a “video codec”.

Brutus Harlot July 21, 2008 at 8:56 pm

OMFG! God is McDonald’s?!?

Lascauxcaveman July 21, 2008 at 9:05 pm

I’ve always suspected Obama of secretly being a hypotenuse.

If the rumor turns out to be true, I’m still gonna vote for him. I, for one, welcome our new triangular overlords.

FreshCliches July 21, 2008 at 9:15 pm

If with the literate I am
Impelled to try an epigram
I never seek to take the credit
We all assume that Oscar said it

– Dorothy Parker

sanantonerose July 21, 2008 at 9:16 pm

It’s all those fucking waffles Barry consumes. They really pack a lot of calories.

wheelie July 21, 2008 at 9:18 pm

[re=40868]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Good angle on this story.

FreshCliches July 21, 2008 at 9:23 pm

[re=40876]wheelie[/re]: Acute reference.

Mahousu July 21, 2008 at 9:28 pm

If Barry does turn out to be a hippopotamus, he could be a very powerful campaigner. Check out the pic here, and especially the followup comments:

Now isn’t that a key political skill right there?

TGY July 21, 2008 at 9:28 pm

Ahaha, obvs. a base canard, as Obama is actually a crypto-hippopotamus.

SayItWithWookies July 21, 2008 at 9:47 pm

Hippopotami are also the most dangerous large animal in Africa — even more than crocodiles — and especially outside the three-point line.

columnv July 21, 2008 at 9:50 pm

Is that phishing, or just spam?

Cicada July 21, 2008 at 9:52 pm

[re=40876]wheelie[/re]: [re=40880]FreshCliches[/re]: Are Euclidan me?

Jordan Zakarin July 21, 2008 at 10:01 pm

I’m the guy from ReallySeriousNews who wrote the article. Someone made a virus out of it? Could anybody give me the info on that?

You can reach me at

Wowee zowee, what a strange moment. I was making fun of McCain saying he wasn’t sure if Obama was a socialist.

Lionel Hutz Esq. July 21, 2008 at 10:10 pm

the ugly Internet rumors that Obama is a secret “semi-aquatic mammal” with a “barrel-shaped torso, enormous mouth and teeth, hairless body, stubby legs and tremendous size.”

So, the Internets are accusing Obama of being John McCain?

FunkyPalmettoBug July 21, 2008 at 10:29 pm

[re=40864]Neilist[/re]: That would explain why Senator Craig asked for the Oscar Wilde appeal, changing a sodomy charge to “following too close behind.”

Lionel Hutz Esq. July 21, 2008 at 10:33 pm

[re=40897]Jordan Zakarin[/re]: Well, can you blame McCain? We all know Obama is a Commie. But who knows if he is also a Socialist?

graceless July 21, 2008 at 10:34 pm

One year, for Christmas, I got four (4) Hungry Hippo games! I didn’t get anything else, but I got four (4) Hungry Hippo games.

columnv July 21, 2008 at 10:43 pm

[re=40912]graceless[/re]: is that a total of 16 hippos or 20? I forget.

Ken Layne July 21, 2008 at 11:24 pm

[re=40897]Jordan Zakarin[/re]: This is one of those times when the Internet folds back upon itself and KILLS US ALL. (Especially the Secret Hippos.)

Prodigalson1982 July 21, 2008 at 11:34 pm

Are you fucking telling me that the Flight of the Conchords Aka. Hiphopopotamus and the Rhymenocerous are nothing more then just a front for Barry “Hopey” Obama? You mean that the FOC creators of Rap in New Zealand? and the number 2 folk rap group of New Zealand are just another propaganda tool of the “one”?!

Damn It HBO i want my god damn money back!

Iggy Plop July 21, 2008 at 11:37 pm

I just got a spam with this subject line: “Cindy Mccain Talks About Her Boobs.” I wonder what she had to say.

Cicada July 21, 2008 at 11:44 pm

[re=40927]Iggy Plop[/re]: “They’re real, and they’re FABULOUS.”

shortsshortsshorts July 21, 2008 at 11:56 pm

This is turning out well.

Jordan Zakarin July 22, 2008 at 12:04 am

While I’ve got the dubious limelight, I suppose I might as well pump up the site a bit. check out to get even more stories you can turn into email viruses!

Like this one:

Cheney Changes Global Climate in Response to EPA Report:

Maybe a nice trojan horse out of that one, me thinks.

Monsieur Grumpe July 22, 2008 at 12:05 am

I think this explains my itchy balls. At least I hope it does.

NotUrEvryDayWEzl July 22, 2008 at 12:13 am

[re=40868]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Obama’s hypotenuse, naturally being longer than his two legs, has given some to speculate that he has a third leg. However, you have now given me the means by which to calculate his length, and I must say that NO ONE, especially not gay closeted republicans, i.e., republicans, can say no to him any more. Only the bitters too unattractive to ever have a Hope(TM) of hitting, or rather, getting hit by that.

liquiddaddy July 22, 2008 at 1:08 am

That’s crazy. Everybody knows hippos don’t smoke!

RobPetrified July 22, 2008 at 1:43 am

The joke here is Obamas Anti Smear Web Team.
The latest: Obama really ISN’T a Muslim!
Who knew?
Now why does he hate America?
Don’t we do enough to protect the hippos?

MadMangosteen July 22, 2008 at 1:56 am

god damn it, some small faction should be promoting the idea that Barry is both a Muslim and a Socialist, and that Mohammed wants to redistribute our wealth

it would be a Rob ibn Hood moment this country desperately needs, but ain’t nobody with the balls to run with it, apparently.

PioBaroja July 22, 2008 at 2:12 am

Doesn’t everyone know by now that the real Hippopotamus walking among us is…Mark Penn.

eyesfriedopen July 22, 2008 at 7:42 am

Oh sure, laugh now, but after he’s elected by the opiated masses, he’ll unzip his Obama suit and become his true self. How will you feel then, staring into the beady little eyes of the bird sitting in his huge maw? We’re doomed, I tell you. Doomed!

And Boise has been destroyed? What will become of the super tubers?

Anita Cocktail July 22, 2008 at 8:14 am

[re=40915]columnv[/re]: That would be sixteen (16).

Besides, I want to hear more about Hopey’s “tremendous size.” Heh, heh.

Godless Liberal * July 22, 2008 at 8:22 am

I received one entitled “Nigger slang derails McCain’s campaign” that I am going to save forever.

Botswana Meat Commission FC July 22, 2008 at 8:36 am

Barry Hussein is hip-hopopotamas. His rhymes are bottomless…

federated July 22, 2008 at 10:00 am

This is actually sort of a brilliant idea…imagine less outrageous smear emails as viruses; it could actually help combat the problem. I mean, how many of those jacklegs forwarding around those emails actually know any thing about the internets? Could instill enough fear in ‘em to DELETE smears. Hmm.

TGY July 22, 2008 at 10:25 am

[re=40895]Cicada[/re]: Ahahahaha, that’s *awful*, and of course I filed it for future use.

UnindictedCo-conspirator July 22, 2008 at 10:59 am

This morning I got “Horse kicks Harrison Ford in stomach” AND “Horse kicks Ralph Lauren in stomach.” What’s with the out-of-control horses, and will our next president have a plan for dealing with them?

Deepthroat July 22, 2008 at 11:04 am

did you get that thing i sent you?

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