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Bill Kristol Cannot Write Words That Fit Together

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Here’s the fourth paragraph in today’s offering from New York Times “lightning rod conservative” columnist Bill Kristol: “The Siegessäule is an impressive structure (especially if you have a militaristic bent). It’s a large fluted sandstone column on a base of polished red granite, topped by a golden statue of winged Victory. Completed in 1873, it commemorates Prussia’s victories in the previous decade over Denmark, Austria and France. The column was lengthened and relocated to its present site in 1939.” Well now you know more about the large cock in the middle of Berlin from which Barack Obama will deliver his Speech this week. This is what Kristol does to us.

He usually delivers an anecdote about finding an old book in an illiterate airport or that one time someone was stupid enough to offer him a commencement address, or he gives a space-killing history lesson. You read these things at the top of the page with his shit-eating columnist photo to the left. Then, a segue, about Barack Obama, and the Liberals, and you suddenly want to eat a pound of lead and die for a very long time.

OK, a five-paragraph block quote. We apologize. Be thankful, however, that we did not choose the paragraphs that followed:

I’m hoping it means that Obama in Berlin will go beyond the anodyne message his campaign advertised Sunday — a discussion of the “historic U.S.-German partnership” and strengthening trans-Atlantic relations. I’m wondering if Obama chose the Victory Column as his speech venue because he intends to make the case for … victory.

There’s a precedent for this. As Obama knows, he’s been widely compared, especially in Europe, to another young, charismatic Democrat — John F. Kennedy. Perhaps Obama will choose to follow in Kennedy’s footsteps in Berlin.

When President Kennedy spoke to a huge crowd in front of West Berlin’s city hall in June 1963, victory in the cold war seemed a distant hope. The Soviets had crushed the East German uprising of 1953 and the Hungarian rebellion of 1956. Castro had taken power in 1959. The Berlin Wall had gone up in 1961. The Cuban Missile Crisis had brought the world to the brink of war less than a year before. There were many, in Europe and elsewhere, who wanted to find a way out of the struggle.

Speaking on behalf of “the world of freedom,” Kennedy challenged the anti-anti-Communists and the peaceniks. He chastised the “many people in the world who really don’t understand, or say they don’t, what is the great issue between the free world and the Communist world.” He rebuked those “who say in Europe and elsewhere we can work with the Communists.” To all of them, Kennedy memorably said: “Let them come to Berlin.”

Perhaps Obama — with the Victory Column at his back — will also challenge those who think it impossible to imagine victory today. Perhaps Obama will also warn of the temptation of assuming we can somehow avoid confronting the terrorists and jihadists, and those who support them.

Alas, Barack Obama has no interest in confronting the terrorists and jihadists, a.k.a. the Sunnis and Shiites in a civil war in their own country of Iraq.

Didn’t the New York Times just reject John McCain’s column because it didn’t, uh, explain what VICTORY meant in the Middle East? And yet, here is William Kristol doing the exact same thing, but worse — he makes us learn about BERLIN MONUMENT HISTORY before SHITTING OUT his FAKE POINT.

Imagine you had some money to spend on anything. You don’t, and neither does the New York Times, but the New York Times is going to spend it anyway. They’re going to give their tens or perhaps hundreds of thousands of dollars to Bill Kristol, the terrible piece of shit responsible for the text quoted above. To make matters worse, they’re not giving him this money just out-of-the-blue, as charity. They’re going to give him all this money and let him write 1,000 words in their newspaper, explaining his thoughts, every single week. Can’t they just pay him not to write in their newspaper ever again?

Sponsored Intermission

(Same with all the other columnists they have, but still.)

No Substitute for Victory [New York Times]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell


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  • WonksRunAmuck

    Welcome to the SWIM girl. Much less heinously purple.

  • jagorev

    I’ve got your militaristic bent right here, Billy boy.

    *grabs crotch*

  • Spence

    “In Conclusion, I think that the Siegessäule is an important and varied monument of great importance to all the peoples of Germany.
    The End.”
    Whew, just over the minimum word requirement!

  • user-of-owls

    Oh for the love of Christ, lightning…you’re supposed to STRIKE THE ROD, dammit! That’s what the rod is FOR! Jeez.

  • HedonismBot

    I’ve seen this movie before: When our alien overlords arrive, Kristol sells us up the river in exchange for a cush job as alien/human emissary, all the while grinning and stammering and fauning around for our new masters. Then, when they don’t need him anymore, they eviscerate his bowels.

  • jagorev

    [re=40478]WonksRunAmuck[/re]: Also, much less blatantly underage looking. I’d say this one is at least 15 years old.

  • NotUrEvryDayWEzl

    It’s funny how he just sort of slips in “The column was lengthened and relocated to its present site in 1939” without giving Adolf his sexy erectile due.

  • Serolf Divad

    I’m thinking Kristol wants Obama to don a cavalry uniform with a shiny helmet, stand in front of a huge American flag and rally the troops to war with such pithy slogans as “The bilious bastards who write that kind of stuff for the Saturday Evening Post don’t know any more about real fighting under fire than they know about fucking!” and “Men, this stuff that some sources sling around about America wanting out of this war, not wanting to fight, is a crock of bullshit. Americans love to fight, traditionally. All real Americans love the sting and clash of battle.

  • hemlockecho

    And everyone knows how well that war Kennedy started against the communists went. Nice analogy.

  • Terry


    Much better color than the purple. I’d wear that suit if I were 20 years younger and hadn’t spent the last decade eating baked goods while sitting on my arse complaining about “kids these days”.

    Actually, I’d wear those pants in a color other than purple, too. It’s DC folks, a pair of black pants will take you anywhere in town.

  • shortsshortsshorts

    What does victory mean again?

  • WadISay

    How do you think they lengthened the phallic Siegsauele in 1939? Rhythmic rubbing by Hitler Jugend girls? Show it pictures of the Washington Monument while playing dreamy march music? Some early form of Viagra? Write your answers on a urinal wall and send them to Billy Kristol, care of the NYT.

  • TGY

    ‘Anodyne’! He used ‘anodyne’ in an actual sentence! If there’s any word that spells ‘thesaurus’, it’s ‘anodyne’. Uh, ‘spells’ except with different letters, that is. Forget it.

  • SayItWithWookies

    We don’t know whether jihadism will turn out to be a less or more formidable foe than Communism.
    Yeah, let’s see, who’s more dangerous? A few thousand guys armed with weapons we gave them from the 1980s, plus unsecured ordnance from Iraq, or several large countries and their satellites with huge conventional militaries, thousands of nuclear warheads and a long history of using said military to enforce their dominance over dissenting populations? Oh, screw it, it’s too close to call — let’s be irrationally terrified of both of them, just to be on the safe side.

  • TGY

    In conclusion: whatta Siegessäulesucker.

  • V572625694

    [re=40499]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: “Victory” means GWB saying, “Not my problem any more, suckaz!”

  • Hooray For Anything

    Give Kristol a break–writing columns that are always wrong isn’t the easiest thing to do.

  • ManchuCandidate

    I’m surprised Stalin didn’t, er, chop it down a bit to reflect the reality of Post WW2 Germany.

  • magic titty

    does no one else think they let him publish his dim screeds to mock him publicly?

  • Hominidx

    I think we pay far too little attention to the anti-anti-anti-anti-anti-Communists.

  • jimh

    Bill Kristol can…
    Ohhh, hellooo SWIM girl!
    Column: lengthened.

  • Maus

    [re=40492]jagorev[/re]: That’s ancient by American Apparel standards.

    Also Wonkette, I love you. I know you’re much smaller in number, but I’ve been trying to get posting access for Huffingtonreport for ages, their community moderators are terrible at their jobs and can’t even give people access to post into their queue (awaiting moderation), let alone purge all the PUMA and obvious GOP trolls.

  • S.Luggo

    In short:
    1. If JFK were alive today, he would approve of the pre-emptive invasion of Iraquistan as a step needed to defeat the scourge International Communism. Obama not so much.
    2. Write to Bill for this free poster celebrating Barry’s Berlin speech:

  • S.Luggo

    [re=40519]Maus[/re]: Just don’t piss off Sarah.

  • LBOtomist

    [re=40517]jimh[/re]: Win.

  • WhatTheHeck

    Kristol, are you lecturing me, that I, an everyman of the world, do not understand the issues facing freedom from muslim extremism. For that’s really the crux of your column today, in the guise of a history lesson, isn’t it?

    Reasoning such as yours, has given us countless wars over the centuries. Its time to dump that old-fashioned neo-con shit. It never worked.

  • 4tehlulz

    And yet, WALNUTS can’t get to this level of quality.

    Maybe if he said THAT COMMIE NIGRA OSAMA IS GOING TO SPEAK IN FRONT OF A BIG DICK, the editors might have let him through.

  • 4tehlulz

    [re=40507]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Well, WALNUTS is still scare of Czechoslovakia, so at least we have a role model.

  • uncletravelingmatt

    Yes, I too hope Obama displays the same kind of hotheaded, knee-jerk warmongering that Kennedy exercised to resolve the Cuban Missile Crisis.

  • shortsshortsshorts

    [re=40517]jimh[/re]: Looks like we say goodbye to Slim Slack, once and for all.

  • Cape Clod

    Hey Bill. Hannity figured out that if you want to make some real green, you get on the TV and radio and start spouting jingoistic, bigoted drivel to the great mass of unlearned, backward, hairy-bellied white dopes straching their herpes. You don’t make coin by writing pithy missives in the form of a history lesson to moderately educated, liberal readers of the New York Times who would rather use you face for target practice in a shitting contest than read your column.

  • FreshCliches

    What, no “Ich bin ein Müslimer!”, Bill? You’re slipping.

    (Without preview, I can only hope that the umlaut comes through; I’m relied on Windows Character Map.)

    (Sweet Jeebus, I am SUCH a dweeb.)

  • S. Cullen Bonz

    Bill in a (wal)nutshell: Kristol meth.

  • GlennBecksTaint

    i like the other billy krystal better

  • FreshCliches

    [re=40563]FreshCliches[/re]: I’ve

    Go fuck yourself.

    (Great, now I’ve shot my wad for The Batman post.)

  • gurukalehuru

    First of all, any place Barack Obama speaks in a large European city, there’s going to be a monument in the background, because cities over here are just filled with that shit, you can’t swing a cat without hitting a bloody monument, and every one has a history. So, sausage sucker it is.

    And, on a side note, black is apparently NOT slimming.

  • Senhor Tambor

    Heard on NPR this morning:

    Kennedy “listened to his commanders on the ground” and we got the Bay Of Pigs debacle.
    Kennedy followed his own ideas and we got the blockade.

    Which approach worked out?

  • Mecklen

    I want Kristol’s big fish lips around my pole NOW.

  • BadNewsJack

    [re=40530]4tehlulz[/re]: And people would still say that the media is being to nice to Obama.

  • llyn

    re NYT columnists: Krugman and Herbert -Good. Rich -sometimes Good. Kristof -sometimes Good. Dowd-Bad except when she’s badmouthing Cheney, but still I no longer ever read her columns. Kristol -Very Bad, also Pathetic. Friedman and the rest – Meh.

  • Advocatus_Diaboli

    I think I’ve finally figured out the whole neo-con thing: First, take an issue (jihadism*) that is of relatively little import (9/11 notwithstanding); Next, turn it into a struggle for the ultimate survival of humanity; Simmer briskly while adding dashes of “Oh Noes” (provided courtesy of Faux News); And finally the world is ready for Lightning Rod conservatism that is sure to please the pallet.

    * May be substituted with drug addiction, abortions, environmentalism, an adherence to the Constitution or butt secs, as conditions require.

  • Empress of Snarkistan

    Billie says: “But I’m choosing to take the location of Obama’s speech as a hopeful sign.”

    Yeah, I could just feel the hope oozing from that column.

  • Advocatus_Diaboli

    [re=40619]Advocatus_Diaboli[/re]: I, of course, meant “palate”, but those damn wooden contraptions must have spiked my scotch.

  • V572625694

    [re=40573]Senhor Tambor[/re]: What ground were these commanders on when they recommended the Bay of Pigs invasion. It wasn’t the Pentagon–the whole mess was the creation of those Ivy-League geniuses at the CIA. The military’s screwed up plenty of stuff, but this one’s not on them.

  • sanantonerose

    Kristol reminds me of the Vorta overseers of the Jem’Hadar from Star Trek. He continually supplies the neocons with Ketracel White as soon as they come out of their birthing pods.

  • GreatLakesNation

    SO many words, I felt like I was reading Kos.

    Do I have to hunt for my snark?

  • Jukesgrrl

    Picture that photo of War Criminal Kristol in Joker make-up.
    I’m just sayin’…

  • valobama

    [re=40649]sanantonerose[/re]: you sound like my ex boyfriend

  • XOMuffintop

    Bill should put his thoughts into crazy right wing comic book form. I hear it is the new thing.

  • slavojzizek

    Good job summarizing the wikipedia entry on Siegessäule, Bill!

  • Cape Clod

    [re=40649]sanantonerose[/re]: That is so nerdy. And a brilliant analogy.

  • wheelie

    [re=40692]slavojzizek[/re]: So true. He can effortlessly summon his recollection of great writing, from Shakespeare to Wikipedia.

  • sanantonerose

    [re=40681]valobama[/re]: [re=40825]Cape Clod[/re]: I know, I know. Will someone help me wash the large L off my forehead?

  • Lionel Hutz Esq.

    What’s all of this talk about victory? I thought Mission was Accomplished back in 2003?

  • Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Still, look at it from Kristol’s perspective. You have 1000 words to fill. You could either try to logically defend the conservative point of view or just fill the column with meaningless dribble. What choice do you have?

  • anglefans2008

    He has been found dating some wealthy single women on (,a dating site for celebrities and wealthy singles to mingle. Believe it or not. His profile looks sincere, attractive and sexy. Maybe sometimes they really need a soul mate rather than a rich buddy.

  • AxmxZ

    Whenever someone starts droning about victory in this way, I get a flashback to the Underpants Gnomes.

    1) Collect underpants
    2) ?
    3) Profit

    Replace “profit” with “victory” and “underpants” with “truck nuts,” and it’s McCain’s Broken Gramophone Redux.

  • Anita Cocktail

    Siessegaule, Schmiessengaule. Bill Kristol is the largest cock I can think of.
    Not “has,” IS.