Wonkette
Here’s the magic secret to throwing a good free party: Have an open bar that will pour actual booze instead of just beer and wine, serve good food, and make sure the attractive people show up. This last hurdle can be pretty difficult to overcome at a blogger party, which was why the geniuses at the Huffington Post and GQ made sure their Netroots Nation party would feature little Zooey Deschanel-lookalike nymphet waitresses and a healthy smattering of cute boys in slim-cut suits straight out of Mad Men. Of course everybody got wasted.
Here is what happened: We flew into Austin on Wonkette Air, sponsored by the Slim Slack Girl. On our way to the party we stopped for beers, or, as our pal who used to hang out with Southern sorority girls put it, “a personality drink.” (It helps you grow a personality if you don’t have one, while ensuring that you will find the people around you personality-rich and highly entertaining.)
So then your brave editor and her two escorts went into Lambert’s Barbecue and got a gin gimlet and stood around staring at people for a while.
Right there you can see the back of the adorable server at the food table.
Then we met Chris Beam, of Slate fame. Like every other Liberal Blogger, he is about 15 years old. Chris shared many dark secrets about Jim Newell — for example, Jim has a sister in prison.
In the above photo, we are listening to Chris Beam (the gentleman adjacent to your editor’s nose) as he discloses other shocking facts. That dude in the middle is about the closest we came to one of the be-suited boys, but he probably was from like MyDD.com or something, not GQ. A special shout out to our photographer, who was sure to get the little camera strap into like EVERY PHOTO.
Later on we were introduced to GQ editor Mark Kirby and we insisted that he buy us more free drinks in Denver next month. Mark was the only GQ employee at the party who wasn’t wearing a skinny tie, which means he is FIRED.
Here is Austin resident and Crawford director David Modigliani. Would you like to buy his movie?
Then a margarita happened. We spoke with a writer for The Economist, who shall not be named as all Economist writers have their names taken away as a condition of employment.
Then a Live Oak IPA, and maybe another Live Oak IPA? Ugh.
All night we were sort of furtively following this guy who was a ringer for the ridiculous British boyfriend from Forgetting Sarah Marshall, and we decided he HAD to be the GQ house photographer or maybe from France. But a supersecret spy talked with him and it turns out he was from the Austinist, which is a thousand times cooler.
We had a plan to take photos of random people and post them with cutlines explaining who they were, for example a dignified white-haired gentleman who we’d say was Jimmy Carter, or a fat guy with a beard who we’d say was Mark Penn, but obviously we did not do that.
At 10:30 all the deviled eggs were gone, and we left, the end. Thank you GQ and Huffington Post for the terrible hangover!
Crawford…Crawford…Isn’t Crawford famous for something? Nah, I’m drawing a blank.
There was a reason I had never heard of Lamberts, despite living in Central Texas for nearly 20 years, and that’s because you don’t fucking rub the goddamned brisket with coffee and brown sugar. Holy Christ, I might have to kill a yuppie after reading that menu.
But a lot of people I know saw Crawford at the conference, and hopefully it’ll get some distribution (it’s been around at least since March’s SXSW Film Festival).
Will photos of the love child of Willie Wonka and Wonkette be sold for $30 billion and donated to charity?
Sarah K. Smith, I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable by being oversharey via the internet (surely not what it’s for), but I just wanted to say that you are adorable. The end.
More G rated video of Ms. Smith plz.
Gee, when I go to Austin all I get is old trolls buying me Shiner Bock at the Chain Drive.
My God, SKS does exist! I humbly apologize.
Sponsored by the SSG, eh? So…she has money?
SayItWithWookies:
Crawford is famous for being infested with brush.
thanks a whole helluva lot, sara. you mention nymphet waitresses in your second
sentence, and i scrolled all the way down [actually reading, too] looking for
the pictures…but no.
thanks for the tease. try to do better next year.
Also: I am surprised that anybody saw Forgetting Sarah Marshall. I liked the Italian original (Zombie Holocaust) better.
Terry: Infested with BUSH you mean?
healthy smattering of cute boys in slim-cut suits
And yet no pictures? I won’t believe this until I see it. Come on Sara, deliver here!
Damn. I was kinda hoping for cleavage shots.
It’s not a party until someone pukes from an excess of Wonkettinis.
freakishlystrong: Whichever. A DR Mower-Trimmer like the ones I see on the late-nite teevee commercials will make quick work of your unwanted brush/Bushes.
Davidwatts: Yes, quite fetching that SKS. Even though she called me a cretin for an off-color remark about that reporter woman I still think she’s cool.
Sara K. Smith: Notice the lack of cretinous remarks in this comment? Respect.
edgydrifter: So you’re saying “Crawford” is like “Fargo” only in Texas?
WTF is this article about and why should we be innarested?
Signed,
Puzzled But Sober
edgydrifter: Cool! Can that be purchased with Liberian 9-11
fearmongering, silver certificates?
When you start off with something like a gin gimlet (good lord, have you been drinking with McCain??), it all goes down hill from there.
I would buy whatever David Modigliani is selling.
Oooh, Sara. There were lots of cute boys there. I hope you got some booty.
Terry: Oh, I coulda sworn we’d turned the corner on that.
Speaking of the Slim Slack girl, she’s apparently been eaten by the “SWIM” woman.
Holy crap, Sarah’s got it going on, doesn’t she? Dayum… it’s like all my quiet-librarian-type fantasies all rolled into one Wonkette-editor-who-could-get-me-banned in one.
Oh kewl! I didn’t get the pictures before, Sara, that David is hawt…
ManchuCandidate: That’s what the staircase photo is for!
You hired two escorts, Sara? How many whore diamonds were they?
The hell with the “adorable server”. Still waiting for that bathtub foto. Waiting, waiting, waitig.
SayItWithWookies: Crawford is known for the armadillos who roll up into a ball and send the sons and daughters of other armadillos off to fight in the armadillos wars with insufficient arma.
Of course, everyone on the planet has a different sense of what is “attractive.” And beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And, no, not really, a party doesn’t need a room full of “pretty people” to be a good party. And judging people just based on looks, at any level, is, well, pretty superficial! Hey, this region has a lot of smart, talented, creative, hard-working, fun and funny people–sometimes you don’t really need to stress just based on superficial looks. Really.
thefrontpage: Mom?
Sara K. Smith: Mom?
thefrontpage: You are very special, frontpage. Special, special, special.
thefrontpage: Yes, this is true until you get to the third beer, then looks help. Of course, everybody looks attractive around the third beer anyway. Or third beer and a shot.
Oh hell, I don’t wind up at parties where people drink much. Makes coordinated physical activity hard. :p
norbizness: You don’t use brown sugar in your dry rub? The fuck’s wrong with you?
You know who else had attractive sex slaves bringing him drinks?
Thomas Jefferson, that’s who.
The ridiculous boyfriend was played by Russell Brand, and he is one funny motherfucker.