Wonkette
In little more than a month, the glut of political insiders and media types that preside over Washington D.C. will all squeeze into a single cardboard box and be dropped from the Enola Gay onto Denver, leveling the city entirely and offering radiation cancer for generations of future re-colonizers. And to make our Washingtonian invaders feel more comfortable during their Democratic National Convention, Denver officials are currently trying to replicate the invaders’ hometown with measures designed to eliminate anything fun, anywhere in the city. So yesterday, a team of FBI and “Denver Metro Gang Task Force” agents arrested 27 members of the city’s “Asian Pride” gang and confiscated its cache of over 10,000 Ecstasy tablets. Tragically, there will be no Ecstasy in Denver this August.
For those East Coasters unfamiliar with the history of the American West, it is one riddled with conflict between white, rugged authority figures and the lousy Asians who pop up every so often. Many, many folks of Chinese descent settled in the American West in the 1800s to construct the region’s railroads. The White Americans thanked the Chinese wage slaves by bopping them on the head with whiskey bottles and then calling the town sheriffs to arrest them for being “alive” and “Chinese” at the same time. Then during World War II, President Franklin Roosevelt personally rounded up every Japanese-American in his motorized rocket wheelchair and enslaved them in concentration camps, again, in the American West. Roosevelt did this because he assumed they were Chinese railroad workers — the ones that got away a half-century earlier.
We mention all of this completely factual history now because yesterday marked the culmination of this American cross-racial saga; all of these things happened in the past so that fate might lead us to the situation right now, where you will find yourself completely aware of the dark, world-historical undercurrents at work when Colorado U.S. Attorney Troy Eid says “Coloradans can take pride in Asian Pride’s demise,” a mere 40 days before the Washington establishment seeks salvation in the mythic deserts of the West.
27 MEMBERS AND ASSOCIATES OF DENVER “ASIAN PRIDE” STREET GANG INDICTED [Colorado U.S. Attorney]
Those people don’t know how to drive either.
“Asian Pride” selling “X”? They’re a gay “street gang”, right?
freakishlystrong: denver is known for its gay population
Barack Obama is Indonesian, right? It all makes sense now.
freakishlystrong: This is a double whammy, because they are also the gay District’s major suppliers. At least those outside the beltway are getting a taste of what it’s like in here.
Here in San Francisco during the gold rush era, the red headed whores were worth $2.00, the others were worth $1.50, and the Chinese whores were worth $.50 cents.
Commonly, when the Chinese whores would turn 20 or so, they became useless as whores. They had, after all, been having sex an average of 100-150 times a day for six years (for realz). When these Chinese whores were washed up, they would be put into a “hospital,” which was actually an alley lined with beds and dim lamps. They were given enough oil in their particular lamp to last until the time when they would be expected dead. If these Chinese whores lived passed the time the oil remained in the lamp, a doctor would come by their bed and kill them.
Huzzah.
NotUrEvryDayWEzl: So, no homeless, no X, no asians, they might as
well have the convention in Salt Lake…
I thought Asian pride was a bunch of gay asians. who knew?
>>Tragically, there will be no Ecstasy in Denver this August.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Fuck! I totally wanted to roll my face off at the convention too. I packed all my glowsticks, candy necklaces, pants with huge legs and pacifiers. Fuck this shit.
Oh well, guess I’ll just be snorting meth instead… ho hum.
Who cares about X? Everyone knows that a political convention runs on hot rails of crystal meth.
I’m going to smuggle my drugs into Denver in a crate of Truck Nutz. They’ll never look there.
“Coloradans can take pride in Asian Pride’s demise”
Th-th-that’s not change we can believe in.
No fried food, no drugs, Coors beer, thin air. Why would anyone want to go to this thing?
Swingen, Sanfranciscococksuckas X!!!
Hang dai, Wu, hang dai, you crazy Celestial!
Wu, Swejin, Hang Dai
jinx
Old, rich white people - seriously, what subgroup of humanity will you NOT be forcibly removing from Denver for the DNC?
Those speedy coloreds you’ll see running around in short pants? They aren’t the next wave of pickaninny scourge. They’re the Broncos.
WIDTAP: Jinx12345678910!
schvitzatura: You are too fast for me, my friend.
Gwailodenvermetrogangtaskforcecocksuckas!!!
A translation guide for the basic cable (non-elite) crowd. Not appropriate for workplace environs.
Christastic: I’ve got a vial of Lockerroom I’m saving for Barry’s acceptance speech. To make it last f o r e v e r.
No drugs or hoboes???? What the hell kind of lame party is this going to be?
magic titty: C’mon now, Magic Titty, besides the Broncos we have a few other black folk here in Denver…there’s the Nuggets, and our last mayor, oh, and those two families that live off Welton St.
CrunchyKnee: I heard those two families off Welton were “re-zoned”. They haven’t been moved per se, but that part of town is now considered Commerce City. Aptly named I might add, because black folk like to spend their unemployment checks on sneakers.
typical DEA/FBI move…now their lousy coke doubles in price, just in time for the convention…
Have you ever been to a Democratic function? Can you imagine going without drugs? There is not enough organic alcohol in all of Colorado. I’m just saying.
This may be one of those “glass half empty” things. Sure there are no drugs in Denver…NOW. All it takes is an enterprising young republican or two to take the democratic delegates what they are craving, and BINGO! Economic recovery! Well, for the republicans…the delegates will probably get sick and shit. We know the “just say no” crowd doesn’t have a good stash.
shortsshortsshorts: shorts, dude, i realize i’m reading this late, but serious buzzkill.
so now i will need to open ANOTHER bottle of cab and book my spot with the Shorts Western History Project.
ladymacbeth: If it’s any consolation, they were EXCELLENT whores.
It’s for the best. The Obama kids are already going to be in some kind of crazy, euphoric ecstacy watching Barack “Hope” Obama, with golden light radiating from his head and his ass, accept the Democratic nomination. (Probably talking in tongues like they do on my teevee on Sunday mornings.) Dropping E on top of that probably would fry your brain and stuff.
Jim Newell,
Who will dry clean Sen. Obama’s shirts when he wakes up all snorey and stinky?
Sincerely and respectfully,
Mr-Clark