Wonkette
We asked you to come up with the new D.C. Cocktail of the Now, and good jesus did you people respond. There were a hundred or so actual drink recipes submitted in the comments, and your editors painstakingly tested them all in our elaborate Experimental Bar. The winning choice — with small adjustments by Wonkette and mixologist Scott L of the new Asian Spice restaurant in Chinatown — will amuse your brain, delight your senses and, most importantly, fuck you up.
The winner is genericuserid, and Asian Spice will treat her to $50 worth of drinkin’ for this spectacular recipe:
genericuserid says at 9:43 am, July 15th, 2008
- 1-1/2 oz. vodka
- 1/4 oz. Chambord® raspberry liqueur
- 1/4 oz. fresh pineapple juice
- 1 twist lemon peel
Pour each of the above into a tall bar glass. Shake with ice, serve in a martini glass.
It sounds mighty girly, and is all pink and bubbly, but all my man-friends call this “the blackout drink.” It will f*#k you up.
To which we add, in tribute to so many of your recipe ideas and the basic tenets of patriotic liberty:
- 1 dash of bitters
- Garnish with two maraschino cherries, stems tied together a la Truck Nutz
- Serve with a little American Flag toothpick
Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Wonkettini. There it is. Take it and drink.
I can’t believe the beer in a martini glass idea didn’t fly. That is Wonkette class right there.
OMFG, I’m getting my balls tatooed just like that! Then, when some right-wing retard complains that I’m not wearing a flag pin, I’ll whip out my balls and be like: “How much do you love America?! Yeah… I didn’t think so“
Congratulations. I wonder how hard it will be to convince someone to make this at a bar over here.
Must leave work, go to bottle shop. now.
May I suggest that instead of juice you use fresh pineapple muddled in the bottom of the shaker. The drink will be even better.
That is an elitist drink and I am bitter about it and I am clinging to my PBR, thanks.
What!?! I thought for sure the winning entry would include “bile”.
Serolf Divad: The pain you are willing to undergo for your country is an inspiration to us all. I myself would only be willing to have my balls dipped in red, white, and blue tie-die. My condom is off to you sir!
$50? Hey even Obama has $56 for the bar tab.
My balls are already blue, I’m white, and those little spider veins in my cheeks are red from too many martinis of the non-Wonkette kind. So I’m a walking American flag, motherf**ker
Now that’s Hooch I Can Believe In.
Truculent: Win!
beer with a shot back rules. girly-man judges.
Congratulations, judges: barkeeps will now be cleaning coral-colored vomit from filthy bar restrooms everywhere! well, at least in the blue states.
I rate this 4 whore diamonds. It would have been 5 if actual whore diamonds had been incorporated in the drink.
It sounds mighty girly, and is all pink and bubbly, but all my man-friends call this “the blackout drink.” It will f*#k you up.
Isn’t that the same thing as calling it the “date rape drink?” Just sayin’
This isn’t even an original recipe, except adding the bitters. I’ve always known it as a “French Martini” or, even better, a “French Hooker”, although some French Hooker recipes call for sour mix instead of pineapple.
http://www.drinksmixer.com/drink1504.html
Personally, I just mix the vodka with some Night Train, and serve over ice. Lots of ice. (”That NightTrain’s a mean wine.”)
genericuserid probably lives in Coeur d’Alene, ID…
Cool. Lee Greenwood got neutered.
Serolf Divad: Verrrry good, but don’t get confused and try the flag pin instead.
I am getting f*#ked tonight! Err… f*#cked up! Yeah!
Umm, nice picture. But what happens when you squeeze the nutz?
ProfessorJukes: So you knew about the drink but you didn’t submit it? Ha Ha! Loser.
ProfessorJukes: Stealing recipes?!? Is genericuserid really Cindy McCain in disguise?
Anybody applying for the job quality checking the flag-decal condom for the truck nutz, ensuring snug and uniform application?
ProfessorJukes: oh, nutz! someone didn’t do proper vetting! you know that the Paultards will have a field day with this.
ProfessorJukes: Wonkette is the new Cindy McCain.
What’s the word?
Thunderbird!
How’s it sold?
Good and cold!
What’s the jive?
Bird’s alive!
What’s the price?
Thirty twice!
How long before this shows up on Tiki Bar TV?
WTF? How did my absinthe, red bull, and tequila drink not make the cut?
And “man friends,” in and of itself, is exceptionally “girly.”
The maraschino cherries are just a stroke of genius. Kudos to whomever came up with that.
popsicle schitk: Freedom jizz
Herbal_T: I think they saw “bull semen” instead of Red Bull. Happens sometimes when you real things real fast.
Sounds perfect and elitist to me, but I am going to be blotto because it is not my husband’s type o’ drink (he goes with elitist beers), so I am going to have to drink his, too, and I am serious lightweight with the booze.
If that drink doesn’t scream, “I’m a bottom” faster than getting caught wearing a male g-string with Liberace’s face silkscreened across the pouch then I’ve got some portly Black off-duty police officers to blow.
As all real men know, if you’re going to wear a man g-string, it damn well better have He-Man’s face on it.
Believe me, this was not an easy decision. We — Jim, Sara, ScottL the Drink Master & me — went through all of these, again and again, got down to six finalists, endlessly debated the merits of each, and finally chose this one with some alterations suggested by many others. We were the motherfucking Supreme Court of Cocktails.
Ken Layne: But could the Hague try and override you?
And did you willingly go to the bar and get date raped to ensure the quality of the product?
I should get something for suggesting the Truck Nutz cherries. Perhaps a bottle of hobo wine?
Though a woman, I don’t do well with the fruity drinks. My own wonkette cocktail involves elitist champagne, and a (brown for Barry) sugar cubed soaked in, of course, Bitters (and just a tiny drop of LSD for the unicorn rainbows, optional).
Ken Layne: “…went through all of these, again and again,…” It was a dirty job, but someone had to do it.
ProfessorJukes: Yes! A decade of bar service makes me an authority on this and it is, indeed, a French Martini. Substitute vanilla vodka and it becomes a Raspberry Cheesecake Martini.
Still though… the Truck Nutz are a classy touch Wonkette.
Ken Layne:
As the motherfucking Supreme Court of Cocktails you should have chosen the runner-up as the first place winner.
I thought my cream of corntini was a winer. Looks and tastes the same on the way up as the way down. That’s gotta mean something.
Ken Layne: You really need to get some money from Truck Nutz, as this site has provided some serious free advertising for that fine product. (not that it has lead to any sales….)
The pineapple represents Hopeys island roots,
the vodka= Hopeys understanding of the former Soviet Union,
the lemon, our Latino friends
the raspberry, France, of course
so one must add the cherry Nutz and bitters to this elitist drink
and the ‘Merican flag, which must be waved while chugging down this Wonkettini
afterwards, buttsecs!
Doglessliberal: Don’t underestimate the irrational buying capacity of wonketteers. I have a pair of nutz dragging off of my prius as we speak.
Foul! If one of the criteria was to ‘fuck you up’, you East Coasters are pussies! Or cheap bastards.
1-1/2 of vodka.. and that’s all it takes??
Wow. My ‘Sex all over the Citytini’ used 3oz.
Shit- I’m movin East.
I’ve been wastin good booze!
How is 1 1/2 oz of 80 proof vodka and 1/4 oz of 20 proof Fou Fou gonna fuck anybody here up?
It might fuck Mitt Romney up.
Anonymous Lobbyist [and some other liberal type girls] is rumored to put this on her breakfast cereal, and wash it down with a beer and a shot of Jim Beam.
It does sound like a tasty dessert thingy, though.
In a purse full of rainbows kind of way.
Not that there’s ANYTHING wrong with that.
I’m not sure that this will taste like ass, which seems to be the sine qua non for a Wonkettini. But if you say it’s a Wonkettini, I’ll make it taste like ass. WITH MY MIND. Black is white, white is black, etc.
I was hoping my blended Red White and Blue Wonkettini would win, but I’m glad you at least incorporated my American Flag toothpick idea.
trai_dep: Yeah, and how does that make it less Wonkettey? This is one homo-intensive site.
It IS a french martini, and I’m sorry - i didn’t know it had to be original! I’m a pinko communist! I can’t even stand myself! Aaagh! east-coast-liberal-dope-smokin-hippie!
But it is TOTES tasty, and is an automatic balckout when combined with other boozels.
That winning drink is ridiculously basic (and good - I’ve made them myself many times). A better one is Halo’s Ginger Cucumber Martini: muddle ginger, cucumber, sugar, roses lime juice, and mint leaves in a glass, add ice and vodka, strain into a chilled martini glass. That’ll fuck you up a lot faster than the chambord concoction, but it is literally the perfect summer drink.
Ken Layne: all in a days work, eh?
Perrys Mollycoddler: Oh that was one of my finalists. And I plan to make THREE BLENDERS of those, one day, because that’s the minimum amount you can make, as it requires THREE BLENDERS full of booze. But it was too complicated / labor intensive for a lonely bartender to make for one person, so we took the happy flag toothpick and said goodbye to the rest.
Ken Layne: Maybe you should publish a li’l drinks cookbook, like the lame-ass PTO at my kids’ school always does. Make sure you get a cheapo spiral binding at Staples and charge 16.95 apiece.
geeze…im beginning to think a possible addition to the wonkettini should the juice of sour grapes…
congratulations genericuserid…[even though my unposted recipe was better]…
Vodka? A martini is made with GIN! Oh, yea, I know it is out of fashion with folks who grew up on cheap well drinks, but damn, you drunks are supposed to know this stuff. Oh, and Boodles…not that cheap almost-gin crap!
Ken Layne: Did any of the Hendricks Gin submissions make the finals? And if so, can you pass on thoughts/recommendations? I’ll try the “official” one, but I find myself agreeing with masterdebater… a martini is made with GIN!
Doglessliberal: I’m the only one who bought one … er, two?
I didn’t win?????
FIX! FIX!
I’m getting Kitty Harris to do my recount.
(And if necessary, we can wring her out like a sponge, and garner about 5 liters of cheap gin.)
ChatteringClass: I’m guessing one did. Hendricks is (in Sean Hannity voice) the best gin God has ever given man.
O man how lovely to wake up to talk of delicious delicous gin. yummm…hendricks. But I really love ordering a martini made with Boodles, too. It’s just fun to say, even sober.
And yes, fruity vodka ‘martinis’ are for small children.
PeteJayhawk v2.0: I always heard it as “fifty twice”. Goddamn inflation.
Ken Layne: I hate lonely bartenders. Just for the record, you can also do the Red, White and Blue as a frozen margarita -
Red: strawberry margarita stuff, tequila, ice, triple sec
White: tequila, extra ice, lime juice, triple sec
Blue: tequila, blue curacao, ice
Again, three blenders, blah blah. you get the point.
I’ll say it again:
One part piss
One part vinegar
…and repeat.
Here’s a good one: one shot Jagermeister, one shot rum, two shots of Pabst Blue Ribbon, some Worcestershire sause, a little bit of Tabasco, and a raw oyster. It’s excellent.