Don Young Demands Congress Protect Sale Of Servant Monkeys

Alaskan Congressman Don Young, whose wife is a leading advocate of Capitol Hill's chattel slavery economy, has a new pet project: the interstate slave monkey trafficking business. Now many of you are French and liberal and probably assume this harbors racial connotations. Well you keep eating that cheese, Jacques, because we're talking about actual slave monkeys and not America's lovely black people. Back in June, see, the House passed legislation banning the interstate sale of monkeys. How idiotic -- leave it to the United States Congress to ban the economy's most important industry in the middle of a recession. On Tuesday, however, Congressman Young introduced a new piece of legislation to amend the overreach of the previous one: it would "allow for the interstate transfer of specifically trained capuchin monkeys, who help severely disabled people with daily activities."

With each slave monkey you purchase from these folks, you get a free un-rewound VHS copy ofWeekend At Bernie's II:

The bill will allow nonprofit groups such as Helping Hands to continue to provide the monkeys to folks around the country, since most of the critters are trained at a special facility in Boston.

"The service monkeys perform a variety of tasks, including retrieving dropped items, turning on the television or loading a compact disc, putting straws in drinking bottles and pushing buttons on personal computers," Young said on the House floor. "These service monkeys provide the disabled recipients with a sense of independence."

"A sense of independence" doesn't seem to quite fit the bill. Hmm.... maybe, "a sense of wanting to die 50 times because you have to rely on a smelly monster to turn on a television, put a straw in your drink, press any key on your computer, and whatever else it is that humans do."

OK well we just went to this Helping Hands website and many of the slave monkeys go to quadriplegics, so we guess that's a nice and necessary thing. Human helpers are not available to quadriplegics, you see, because who wants to be around those fucking people? Too weird. It's gotta be slave monkeys.

Members of Helping Hands were even on Capitol Hill on Wednesday to ensure some sort of "narrowly tailored" language will be passed so they can continue to provide helper monkeys to disabled people nationwide. The group's CEO, Megan Talbert, tells HOH that her group averages 12-15 placements each year. It usually takes a decade to fully train a monkey, she said.

12-15 slave monkey sales per year, and a decade to train each one? Does Megan Talbert have a trust fund to pour into this scheme or something?

 Heard on the Hill: Emergency Makeover for Congress [Roll Call]