Wonkette
Alaskan Congressman Don Young, whose wife is a leading advocate of Capitol Hill’s chattel slavery economy, has a new pet project: the interstate slave monkey trafficking business. Now many of you are French and liberal and probably assume this harbors racial connotations. Well you keep eating that cheese, Jacques, because we’re talking about actual slave monkeys and not America’s lovely black people. Back in June, see, the House passed legislation banning the interstate sale of monkeys. How idiotic — leave it to the United States Congress to ban the economy’s most important industry in the middle of a recession. On Tuesday, however, Congressman Young introduced a new piece of legislation to amend the overreach of the previous one: it would “allow for the interstate transfer of specifically trained capuchin monkeys, who help severely disabled people with daily activities.”
With each slave monkey you purchase from these folks, you get a free un-rewound VHS copy of Weekend At Bernie’s II:
The bill will allow nonprofit groups such as Helping Hands to continue to provide the monkeys to folks around the country, since most of the critters are trained at a special facility in Boston.
“The service monkeys perform a variety of tasks, including retrieving dropped items, turning on the television or loading a compact disc, putting straws in drinking bottles and pushing buttons on personal computers,” Young said on the House floor. “These service monkeys provide the disabled recipients with a sense of independence.”
“A sense of independence” doesn’t seem to quite fit the bill. Hmm…. maybe, “a sense of wanting to die 50 times because you have to rely on a smelly monster to turn on a television, put a straw in your drink, press any key on your computer, and whatever else it is that humans do.”
OK well we just went to this Helping Hands website and many of the slave monkeys go to quadriplegics, so we guess that’s a nice and necessary thing. Human helpers are not available to quadriplegics, you see, because who wants to be around those fucking people? Too weird. It’s gotta be slave monkeys.
Members of Helping Hands were even on Capitol Hill on Wednesday to ensure some sort of “narrowly tailored” language will be passed so they can continue to provide helper monkeys to disabled people nationwide. The group’s CEO, Megan Talbert, tells HOH that her group averages 12-15 placements each year. It usually takes a decade to fully train a monkey, she said.
12-15 slave monkey sales per year, and a decade to train each one? Does Megan Talbert have a trust fund to pour into this scheme or something?
Heard on the Hill: Emergency Makeover for Congress [Roll Call]
Oh jesus, that logo is disturbing.
http://shiby540.tripod.com/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderpictures/.pond/family-guy_evil-monkey_tie.jpg.w560h420.jpg
Thank you for the new avatar
Racist, racist, racist, racist, and racist. Racists!
Sean O: Yeah, they really had to go for the “FDR’s secret kiddie-fucking habit” imagery, huh?
This just goes to prove, yet again, that all of Congress’s most important work is based upon old episodes of the Simpsons.
Pray for Mojo.
Dammit, I’m like the mule stuck between equidistant bales of hay… I can’t decide whether to make a Macaca joke or a “Planet of the Apes” Dystopia joke.
That sounds like a rather large investment… why train a real monkey when you can hire a porch monkey for half the cost? Have people even heard of savings accounts?
Wow… I had no idea how racially non-transcendent i was until that came out of my fingers.
I got a little monkey
His name in Jingy
First name Paulo
Middle name Joe
I call him Paulo Joe Jingy
He’s my little monkey
Crawl on my back
Make himself at home
/Bob Schneider
I want a specially trained squirrel!
personally, i find the use of the term ‘monkey’ repugnant…
shouldnt it be….Simian Helpers for the Disabled?
I regret to inform you that, by law, I am required to submit no less than one comment in regards to “Monkey Business”. I apologize in advance.
Looks like those congressmen are up to their monkey business again, folks!
I am so sorry. I really had no say in this.
Just what the disabled need: a monkey on their back.
“You needed that job, and you were the most qualified. But they had to give it to a slave monkey instead….”
Shave and a haircut, Chris Reeve…
sanantonerose: I agree!
anabellum: Simian Slaves has some nice alliteration! Even… Primate Pages for the Paralyzed?
http://youtube.com/watch?v=I0a0P_L3lik&feature=related
Young’s a flip-flopper!!! He voted for that bill that banned the monkeys and now he wants the monkeys? Make up your mind Don!!!!
That was one of my favorite “Simpsons” of all time when Homer
gets the helper monkey..I just like typing the word “monkey”…
That’s not primate transcendence!
ALIVE!: Win.
retrieving dropped items, turning on the television or loading a compact disc, putting straws in drinking bottles and pushing buttons on personal computers
I can do that.
“The service monkeys perform a variety of tasks, including … pushing buttons on personal computers …”
You know, judging by the current state of the Internet, I think they’ve overachieved a bit in this area.
Well yeah, but is Don Young gonna clean up when a monkey slave forms a murderous psychic bond with its wheelchair-bound master, and goes on indiscriminate bloody killing spree?
http://youtube.com/watch?v=rpG4R3Sjf4Y
So…um…what other “services” do these monkeys provide? Not that I’m interested or anything. Just asking for a friend of mine.
the affection between the simian helper and its human master
begat the term “love monkey.”
anabellum:
“The service monkeys perform a variety of tasks, including … pushing buttons on personal computers …”
That explains 4chan.
TGY: Better watch out, indeed.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=fsPdmYb4T4k
NotUrEvryDayWEzl: brilliant….
Delicious: “retrieving dropped items, turning on the television or loading a compact disc, putting straws in drinking bottles and pushing buttons on personal computers…”
With a slave monkey, there’d be nothing at all left for me to do. Can the monkeys Google?
A shit-flinging monkey Masshole to help the handicapped? I can’t imagine anyone from within a 100 mile radius of Boston putting aside it’s ego, selfishness, and sense of entitlement to help anybody.
This makes me want to put “Project X” into my Netflix queue.
“The service monkeys perform a variety of tasks, including retrieving dropped items, turning on the television or loading a compact disc, putting straws in drinking bottles and pushing buttons on personal computers,” Young said on the House floor. “These service monkeys provide the disabled recipients with a sense of independence.”
Congressman Young: If you can find a monkey slave that will light my cigarettes, open my beer bottles, and jerk me off once a day, you’ve got my support.
Also, I want one that doesn’t throw his poo around. I just redecorated.
okay, a serious question…
if the person is disabled, who cleans up all the monkey shit?…or does that fall under ‘retrieving dropped items’…
If you make owning monkey helpers a crime, then only criminals will own monkey helpers. I’d much rather see the disabled get the monkeys they need and put up with the side effects of interstate monkeys than to have monkey-less people trying to purchase backalley monkeys from shady monkey dealers.
Can you imagine if Heston had one in his last months?
“Get your hands off me, you damn, dirty ape!”
Cornelius is obviously aware of all internet traditions.
anabellum: Easy. You just don’t feet the monkey, and get a new one every week or so.
“…pushing buttons on personal computers,”
sounds like just the thing to help mccain find teh google.
Klaus Kinski almost subjugated an entire continent with the help of our simian friends…
“…. many of the slave monkeys go to quadriplegics, so we guess that’s a nice and necessary thing. Human helpers are not available to quadriplegics, you see, because who wants to be around those fucking people? Too weird. It’s gotta be slave monkeys.”
For this sentiment - I think I can safely speak for all wonketeers, here - I am eternally grateful, for there has never been a cause so noble, nor an ideal so high as the expression of compassion and respect afforded quad people by allowing 5 diamond whore monkeys to fuck for them.
Monkeys take the jobs not even us Mexicans wanna do.
Don Young is a dick. He just wants to use the service monkeys to build
his damn Bridge to Nowhere
tsunami: what a sweet talker you are…
anabellum:
“Providers”
Cover me, when I sleep
Cover me, when I breathe…
tsunami: Probably “begat” our current president, too.
Quacker: ah…thank you for the clue…
providers=underpaid women…
It only takes ten years to train the helper monkeys to pick up dropped items, push computer keys, etc. So I’m guessing they could be trained run the government in probably six months, tops.
anabellum: im assuming the monkeys leave their dirty underwear all over the house also…
What will Gary Coleman do for employment if this ban is not overturned?
I’d like to comment but my helper monkey is too busy ravaging a stuffed rabbit to type anything right now.
‘The service monkeys perform a variety of tasks, including retrieving dropped items, turning on the television or loading a compact disc, putting straws in drinking bottles and pushing buttons on personal computers.’
Yeah, and they also tell Nazi agents that Karen Allen is hiding in the wicker basket and Heil Hitler when your not looking.
obfuscator: Don’t forget Monkey Shines!
anabellum: what a sweet talker you are…
the comment was the comment. your name, last and alone, was a
quiet hello. if you mean the no-words greeting…whew.
if you related to the love monkey…double whew.
Tomorrow on Limbaugh: “Folks, the libs are at it again. Now they’re re-writing our laws to make special accommodations for monkeys for cryin’ out loud! Monkeys for people too lazy and dependent on others to do their own computer button pressing.”
anabellum:
In a dystopia worthy of George Orwell, the staff at a home for the profoundly mentally impaired is required to refer to them as “consumers.”
press the any key on your computer
/fixed
Quadriplegics should get monkeys because they cannot spank their own.
I’m guessing these are particularly popular with people who have both a disabled sticker on their license plates and a confederate flag stuck to their bumpers.
!في العراق لم نحصل على القرود لاصف
During stage five of their training, the monkeys are taught to euthanize their owners using a variety of household items.
Donkey Sauce:
…and he’ll never draw the parallels of Dick Cheney and his servant monkey, Curious George.
tsunami: LOL…being that im only vaguely aware of internet traditions, i did misunderstand…and am now so horribly disappointed that i think ill go have a good cry……
double whew is correct…..
Ahhh yes, a fine example of the lobbying power of Big Monkey.
Servo: I can’t imagine anyone from within a 100 mile radius of Boston putting aside it’s ego, selfishness, and sense of entitlement to help anybody.
Hey, wait a minute. I’m from Boston and I would put aside my ego, selfishness, and blah blah. No, wait. No I wouldn’t. Especially not for someone who can’t tell “it’s” from “its.” That just drives me crazy.
anabellum:
LOL
more clever than me by far.
btw…am at work. bad enough they expect me to show up sober.
now, they want me to actually do my job.
i need a monkey. speaking of which…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MkZcG_pgp0Q
My helper monkey is typing for meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
yellowdogdem:
Actually, “their” is appropriate.
Now you may go vent on the Martha Stewart wannabes at Kittery Trading Post. Happy hunting.
“The service monkeys perform a variety of tasks, including … pushing buttons on personal computers …”
McCain is just learning about the internet. Maybe he should have a service monkey run as his VP candidate. The monkey could be his IT specialist.
pushing buttons on personal computers
Finally, an explanation for Youtube/Politico comment threads!
has no one considered what this is doing to our economy? you’re using monkeys to replace mexicans to replace blacks to replace hard working white americans. And you’re only paying them peanuts. At least the mexicans demand sub-minimum wage.
I also dare think what is going to happen to all the people involved in human trafficing who are going to lose jobs from this law.
Do capuchin moneys make cappuccinos for their disabled owners? ‘Cause that would be awesome.
Bonzo: Bedtime for YOU, suckah!
Well, once they are again legalized, I for one will welcome our new Slave Monkey Overlords.
What’s that? Inherent contradiction? Pshaw…
My monkey is Jewish and won’t work on the Sabbath.
Servo: KaChing! Only that would be INcurious George…
grundle burrito:
I’m STILL laughing about Big Monkey. Thanks.
sanantonerose: Did Orrin Hatch write that song?
Re “a sense of wanting to die 50 times because you have to rely on a smelly monster to turn on a television, put a straw in your drink, press any key on your computer, and whatever else it is that humans do”: OMG be careful with that stuff! Some of us are at work and lack the impulse control to not snort hysterically when reading such expressive prose…
Everyone knows capuchin monkeys are elitist.
In the spirit of this posting, I suggest “She Wants To Sell My Monkey,” one of the very best funny songs written and recorded by Tampa Red, who is too often overlooked in the blues pantheon. Born Hudson Whittaker, he wrote “It Hurts Me, Too,” which is often (and mistakenly) credited to Big Bill Broonzy, who had the hit with it, and “Sweet Black Angel,” which, with a change of one word, became a big hit for B.B. King. Tampa was a wicked good slide guitarist and Lonnie Johnson-style singer, and he played a kazoo, too, which only added to the wicked sense of satire in many of his songs. His original partner Georgia Tom took the other road and became Thomas Dorsey, the dean of black gospel songwriters. Tampa drank too much bad booze during Prohibition and spent his last years in a Chicago mental hospital. Ted Bogan had his guitar and, knowing how much I appreciated Tampa, offered it to me. I told Ted it deserved a more distinguished resting place, and it wound up at the Chicago Historical Society, which was right and proper.
freakishlystrong:
Larry Craig’s pet monkey: Bi-Curious George
grundle burrito:
A union of former circus monkeys who smoke have joined up with Altria/Phillip Morris USA and the NRA to form a powerful lobbying hydra known on the Hill as “Big Monkey Tobacco Guns”.
tsunami: thanks for the link…the ads are hilarious…i hadnt seen them before..
“A sense of independence” doesn’t seem to quite fit the bill. Hmm…. maybe, “a sense of wanting to die 50 times because you have to rely on a smelly monster to turn on a television, put a straw in your drink, press any key on your computer, and whatever else it is that humans do.”
Well, shit, I guess I want to die 50 times. 100, actually, since I also want to see him wash a duck.
econdave: Haw! Makes me think about cappuccinos, too.
No wonder, Congress is full of monkeys after all.