Wonkette
The fallout continues over last weekend’s Paultardpalooza festival in Washington D.C., which your Wonketteers bravely attended for seven minutes between episodes of drinking. If you can imagine, many hobbits on Ron Paul Forums are making strained “mental leaps” between fiction and reality. They were already convinced that our Wonkette faction was a deranged militia of “addicts and derelicts” who — much like the British Army several hundred years ago — would shoot at them with muskets, if necessary, to protect George W. Bush’s tea tax. Now they’ve assumed something far more profound: that one of us was this fat, shirtless lout who went around beating up their women and children. And our punishment shall be swift and merciless: they tell us that we are “on the list.” Anything but the list!
Here’s the tragic story and proposed resolution from RPF Senior Member “Oyate”:
I don’t know if our Marshal Kat identified the Wonktard, but we did see one guy that was disruptive beyond the point of political statement.
After he fell over a young lady and almost kicked her young toddler over we decided to take action. Hey, if you want to be a jerk, be a jerk but don’t start knocking over our women and children.
Send this message to every Wonktard on every board: you were and are welcome among us to express your st Amendment rights to free speech, but where we have entered into agreement with our brothers and sisters in uniform to hold a family oriented event, that is exactly what we’re gonna do and your drunk, violent, aggressive and boisterous editor was watched and handled with all care despite the fact that you were being violent and aggressive. So rather than directly accuse you of inciting violence, premeditated violence, and rather than tell you our continuing response, perhaps we should get together for ice cream in a neutral territory. And I don’t mind saying that you should send your women to negotiate because your “braves” were not all that impressive.
Oyate, who struggles to stay on topic for more than six words at a time, adds: “Ladies, we got 10,000 real men who mean what they say and say what they mean. We all make money, we’re not on welfare. Ditch the Wonktard lazy-assed hippy and get with a real man.”
Well. Let’s get the ball rolling by first turning down the ice cream social invitation, for both us and our duped female proxies. Also, we have no idea who this drunk chump kicking children was, but he sounds like he would have been pretty funny, and maybe we should have stayed a little longer. Curses!
Wait a sec… are you talking about this person?
…Because we thought (s)he was rather pleasant!
Oyate eventually reaches a boil:
Big, bald, fat guy, drunk as hell, endangering a family event. Good job Wonkette. I suppose that you are proud of yourselves Wonkette. let it be known, we will never again allow you to endanger our women and our children. Would it were different, we would have protected your right to free speech and we would have babysitted your kids in the best of care and we don’t care whether you agree with us or not.
That’s all I can say. I’m full of rage at you. You allowed your personal grip with us to endanger our women and children.
Oh geez, this is definitely the worst outcome of our little misunderstanding, because we were planning on going out Friday evening, and the first place we were going to look for sitters was Ron. Paul. Forums! But now it’s just this whole big thing and we will never have fun again.
Be Wary of Wonktards [Ron Paul Forums]
We just made the list? Lighten up, Francis.
I was upset enough that I missed free alcohol, but now you tell me you guys had muskets??
I am dee-pressed.
“our women and children”
OMG, can it be? Paultards are capable of reproduction?
Wait. Addicts and derelicts? What about sodomites, catamites, fetishists, etc.?
You have a personal grip with the Paultards? Ew.
Honestly, the fact that your political movement even gives a shit about Wonkette is probably the most telling indictment and a sure sign of your irrelevance. A blog like Wonkette should be taking shit from… oh… Red State… but not from some self styled revolutionary political Juggernaut Of Freedom.
queeraselvis v 2.0: He’s taking about older sisters and younger brothers, most likely.
queeraselvis v 2.0: Not only that, apparently women and children are communal property in Paultard-land. I’m not sure Ayn Rand would approve.
Hey, unfair that you should RSVP on our behalf. We women folk happen to like ice cream.
I AM FULL OF RAGE AT YOU!!!
RAR!
You have to understand, because of their scarcity in the Paultard community, women are as precious as gold.
Well, not as precious as gold, which they value above all things, but damn close. As precious as every non-specie possession in their moms’ basements, perhaps.
Uh oh, I don’t think the WONKTARD FAT CATS will be able to pay them of with their worthless FIAT MONEY.
Hey, unfair that you should RSVP on our behalf (typical Brave like behavior). We womenfolk happen to like ice cream.
queeraselvis v 2.0:
Fat bottomed girls make the rockin’ world go round….
What did you have a “grip” so hard on that it endangered women and children?
queeraselvis v 2.0: Would you REALLY want to tap he/she/it? A dying breed my friend, or at least lets hope so…*shudder*
Wait a minute. He “almost kicked a toddler”?
Any real Wonkette wouldn’t have missed. Drunk or no.
Quit whining and get a fucking life, P-tards.
Good Job, Wonkette. I hope you are proud of yourselves, Wonkette. Don’t harsh our buzz, Wonkette!
Personally, I prefer to knock over children than women. Children are so much smaller and they cry more easily.
Sounds like they’re on to us. I hope nobody tells them about how Wonkette was behind the controlled demolition of WTC 7. Oh, dang.
wow. on sunday, i was envious of youse who went, but now i’m glad i didn’t
go. who knew you could get so rowdy?
when the knights in lawn sign armour whack your pee-pee with their lawn sign
swords, you’ll be glad that scotus gave you back your real guns.
Does this mean that we’re not welcome to vacation in Paulville? Fuck. Seriously Jim, stop beating up their women and children. It reflects poorly on all of us.
p.s. I think they may have confused us with Vikings…
“Ladies, we got 10,000 real men who mean what they say and say what they mean. We all make money, we’re not on welfare. Ditch the Wonktard lazy-assed hippy and get with a real man.”
That’s it Jim, now you too have to start making meth to get them big, non-taxable bills and make the bitches be all up ons.
Well, whatever his first language was, it wasn’t English.
irisheyes: Yes, but the ice cream is flavored with Ron Paul’s tears that he cries when reading the Constitution.
Couldn’t we just meet at Blimpie’s instead?
Dudes, you better watch out in world of warcraft from now on. That guy’s Night Elf is totally going to kick your Wonkdwarf’s ass if he sees you at the tavern.
You’ve been warned.
So in the intelligent, young, decently in-shape crowd in all of those wonkette photos this weekend was just a ruse? I didn’t know there was a second phantom-group of drunken bald hillbilly lazy hippies who were going toddler kicking.
If I knew there’d be toddler kicking, I totally would’ve signed up for group 2.
Laughable. It’s like being threatened by an Ewok.
Servo: But the Ewok is fully of Angry.
The idea of hearing their “continuing response” should have you wonktards shaking in your boots.
It takes a real man to talk tough a week later, hiding behind a computer screen. Color me impressed.
Seriously, if someone was as out of line as they claim, something would have been done. So this sounds like yet more imaginary conspiracy (what is it with Paultards and conspiracies???) as justification for yet more of their impotent nerd-rage.
Servo: Tru dat. Ewoks luv the chirren.
http://gallery.wimetal.org/v/forum_stuff/Kortalh/ewok.gif.html
So? I keep a Paultard locked up in my basement so I can start each and every day by kicking him in the jaw.
This is so exciting! A real old-fashioned feud! It is like we are the Dr. Dre to their Eazy-E!
The Ferrari Money sign is gold Jerry! Gold!
Dude, they offered ice cream. Even sodomites, catamites (what’s a catamite?) and fetishists like ice cream, don’t they? I mean, that was a friendly gesture.
We’re a little crazy, they’re a little crazy, it’s not necessarily the same crazy, but that’s no reason to let the makefunnery elevate into genuine hostility, is it?
I think a Wonkette v. Paultard Volleyball game would be a real hoot.
“our women and children.”
Way to be patronizing AND condescending at the same time Paultard asshat!!!
The path of the righteous Doctor is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil Wonktards. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his sister’s keeper and the finder of lost Constitutional whatsits. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious angry those who would attempt to poison and destroy my sisters and kick my toddlers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.
What I mean to say is, don’t tread on my precious, motherfuckers.
shortsshortsshorts: Not full of angry, full of rage. Ewok rage. Coming soon, to avenge the kicked toddler…
The Raging Ewok Avengers, Saturday mornings, check your local listings…
Servo: They’ll keep you tied to spits until Dr. Paul uses his libertarian mind-tricks to convince them you are capable of flight.
FunkyPalmettoBug: Same here. Do you pull an Abu Ghraib on your paultard and throw a copy of Atlas Shrugged in the toilet like I do to mine?
Servo: Yub yub!
gurukalehuru: I forgot the cenobites. Mea culpa.
Feuding is fun. I can’t wait until the war escalates and the Paultards switch over from constructing and attacking ridiculous, straw men versions of Wonketteers in real life and start constructing and attacking ridiculous, virtual straw men versions of Wonketteers in Second Life.
Saying “our women and children” makes it sound like even more of a cult than it already is.
DemmeFatale:
and who knew that the Paultards HAD women and children. Doesn’t living in Mom’s basement and subsisting primarily on Mountain Dew and Cheetos make you sterile?
Fellow Braves, we must defend our Honor and launch a full-scale assault on the Paultards!
CometHasTheFloor: Is Dr. Paul the shepherd, or the tyranny of evil men? ‘Cause I hear he’s in a transitional point in his life right now.
It sounds like this whole thing is a trick to arrange a meeting with Sara K. Smith and Liz Glover. Careful! Paultards haven’t been close to a woman human being since, well, forever.
Doesn’t the Wonkette personal grip come with Kung-Fu Action? I mean really, who would kick a toddler if they had Kung-Fu Grip? This is misplaced Tard Rage.
This could have been the greatest Triumph the Comic Insult Dog event since the Star Wars convention.
SayItWithWookies: Wonkette actually kidnapped Elvis and is performing secret tests on him in an underground bunker in Area 51.
well darn. sounds even worse than snakes (which, I assume were all over the place). However, armed with muskets and led by a “Big, bald, fat guy, drunk as hell …” you should have navigated the sea of Paultards safely.
friendlynerd: Wonkette-ites are always trying to sap and impurify Paultards’ precious bodily fluids.
I chastened by a wagging waddle.
Oyate’s latest genius:
rip up every flower
piss on every lawn
that’s what the Wonktards do
the screw up every morn’
they screw up every night
they screw up every day
they’re so effective all they do?
no difference any way.
now watch to the right and left of you
and watch behind your back
you cannot ever know for sure when the Wonktards will attack
but one thing you know for sure,
tell you this and you will need no cure,
only speak the Peace and no delay and
cannot be violated or even desecrated and see,
in expiality, it looks easy to us because we are on the bus
anytime our freedoms are in threat, try to knock it
anytime our people are in motion, here to rock it
Gotta go, gotta go, you can try and beat me with your bat
You can go with this or you can go with that
You can go with this or you can go with that
You can go with this or you can go with that
You can go with this. cause we’re where it’s at.
Ya’ll loud mouths wanna talk to me?
Wipe your snot off, wipe your feet.
Carpet cleaning is costing me.
Do-wa-dippity.
(props to Black Sheep, yeah y’all knows what I’m sayin)
WE HAVE A SONG!!!
Man, he’s really into the whole “protecting the women and children” thing like he’s some sort of 1800’s frontiersman. Plus the reference to “braves” is pretty funny. He’s too kind. We’re not braves, we’re drunks. And he talks about “our” women. That’s right, we own them. We’re pimps AND drunks!
in the immortal words of President George Bush, “Bring it on, bitches!”
TurdBlossom: I might be able to scare up a trebuchet.
Truculent: Sure you’re not thinking of Bob Barr?
I am surprised you did not get the Declaration of Independence quoted at you:
He [the Wonktard] has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavored to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian savages, whose known rule of warfare, is undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.
The last three references are to toddlers, their women and dumb-assed, respectively.
CometHasTheFloor: He’s the tyranny of evil assholes who refuse to go away. Me and Mr. Nine Millimeter here, we’re trying real hard to be the shepherd.
pierce bottoms: Eh, we are still getting over the First War on Paultards (Nov. 2007 — sometime this spring when we forgot about them). Oyate was just too good to resist.
Bypartizoa: Yeah that’s something I noticed — they conceive of everything through this late-1700s/agrarian/yeoman lens. They literally think everyone who isn’t a Paultard is a Tory Lobsterback.
i thought there were some plans to make off with their vigins? anyone pull that off, a la obama campaign staff style?
’cause ya all were foolish if you didn’t try to make off with the one in the photo
Rev. Peter Lemonjello: Nah, I just play Bob Hope’s audio renditions of Paul Krugman’s articles to them in a continual loop.
Borat: Dude, she’s, like, twelve.
Oh wait…different photo.
JeffGoldblum: Good lord, I was mostly kidding about it being like a rap battle before. Wouldn’t it be funny if this ended up like the finale of “Eight Mile”, except with Ken Layne vs. President Doctor Senator Ron Paul?
People from both sides should meet in a duel on horses at that Midieval Knights place out at Arundel Mills Mall. Now, that would be funny.
how come wonkette isnt selling secret decoder rings or other such tokens so we can prove our identities. I mean if you all showed up in purple jump suits or something it would have been clear to separate the good from the bad
WadISay: So Jefferson was a Paultard?
I guess that means us elitist arugula-eating Wonktards are Hamiltonian Federalists, and the RedStaters are all Tories?
I would never, NEVER, assault Paultard women and children. I save all my ass kickin’ for puppies and little old ladies. Ok, sometimes I’ll microwave a kitten if I’m in a really bad mood, but that’s it.
Sheesh.
I’m shocked, shocked, I tell you, to find out there’s a drunken lout amongst the Wonkette.
Let’s get this straight. So we call them “Paultards”, and they come back with “Wonktards”? Isn’t that like calling somebody a jerk, and them coming back with “No, you’re a jerk!”
Clever. Very clever.
And does anybody have video or stills of this heroic, shirtless drunk?
Borat: I think they’re all virgins, at least the men. “Their” women were all impregnated by wild Comanches.
Big, bald, fat guy, drunk as hell
That about covers most of the Wonktards.
Actually, I prefer to be called E-Nerd.
If they all make money and aren’t on welfare, then what the fuck were they doing camping in DC in July?
I ain’t scared. Getting them to band together and leave their respective basements is a lot to ask, but when you add hunting down all the Wonketeers … that sounds like work, like, say, a job.
gurukalehuru:
Only if we brought knives….
Delicious: Dibs on iTard.
CometHasTheFloor: “Thunderbolt! Thunderbolt! Thunderbolt!”
Wonktard is anagrammatic with drank two. Two jumbo mcliters, no doubt.
“WHAT ARE YOUR CRIMES, WONKETTE?!”
I always knew Paultards had a soft spot for Scientology after Dear Leader campaigned for their legislation.
“Ditch the Wonktard lazy-assed hippy and get with a real man.”
Oh, the thought of a big, strong Paultard sweeping little ol’ me off my feet. Ah think Ah’m gettin’ the vapors *swoon*.
Cicada: “Hey baby, are you into some free market sex? Basically, we hook up, and I get to fuck the girl with the biggest tits I find…”
This is ridiculous. You could easily make out the *Wonkettes* of the group. We were wearing our Hillary for King of Puerto Rico shirts.
Oh, wait…that was just me.
Jim Newell: Is this like the Punic Wars, where after two series of drawn out campaigns we finally get tired of them and obliterate Paultardville in a massive siege? Because that sounds like fun!
I am SO proud of you guys.
I am shocked. I hadn’t realized that “First Amendment” rights had deteriorated to only “st Amendment” rights.
I think it was an obvious typo. Where you wrote “our duped female proxies” you erroneously placed a “p” where you should have put a “d.”
Does anyone have a picture of this fat,drunken and, for the love of god, BALD man kicking babies and whatever? Some video would be even better. Just to, you know, verify that it was Wonkette staff and everything.
Poor Paultards. They must not have teh real Inter-webs, or else they could visit Wonkette and see that Jim is many things, but not BALD!
Paultards: A thousand nations of the rEVOLution descend upon you. Our arrows will blot out the sun!
Wonktards: Then we will fight in the shade.
Neotards: Whatevs.
Hm- I’m big, bald, and was drunk there- and I do enjoy kicking babies! The only thing is, I’m pretty sure I would have remembered kicking babies. I haven’t forgotten drunk sex yet, which leads me to believe I wouldn’t forget drunk baby kicking. I’ll be most disappointed if I forgot about that.
‘Where is that marvelous ape?’
shortsshortsshorts: “I’m full of rage at you” is my new favorite saying.
sockmonkeymurder: You’re asking if Paultards took pictures? Have you seen how much they struggle with the hand-lettered poster board signage? I’m afraid pictures are a bit beyond them.
Anonymous Office Zombie: OMG, I snarfed my Diet Coke. Loveyou.
It was Karl Rove.
EcceNerdo: Wait, there were drunk babies?
This just gets better and better. Curse my incorrect choice of coasts…
Bemused Paultard to Wonktard: “You let your women wear clothes?”
FunkyPalmettoBug: I suspect a Paultard seduction would go a little more like this.
Moran. It was most likely Karl Rove wearing a, well, Karl Rove costume, trying to foment conflict between the last two bastions of freedom. If you want to see if the person is from this board or a Paultard, get right in there face an whisper “Dr. Paul sucks Truck Nutz”. If they look all pouty and cross, it’s a Paultard, if they get all giggly, it’s one of us.