FUNNY IDEAS  12:44 pm July 16, 2008

Elizabeth Dole Wants To Name AIDS Relief Bill After Heroic AIDS Goblin Jesse Helms

by Jim Newell

Maybe Senator Elizabeth Dole teaches a community college English class on the side and wants to show her students a cartoonish, real-life example of “irony,” because that’s the only way to explain her current episode of retardation. She has introduced an amendment to the HIV/AIDS/etc. relief bill nearing completion in the Senate that would rename it after dead Senator Jesse Helms, the famous hero who once said, “There is not one single case of AIDS in this country that cannot be traced in origin to sodomy.” This Senate bill, interestingly enough, will probably contain another amendment — this one from John Kerry and Gordon Smith — to remove the HIV travel and immigration ban for foreigners hoping to enter the United States. This ban, of course, began in 1987 and is called the “Helms Amendment.” So basically, Boo Elizabeth Dole! Elizabeth Dole has gonorrhea! [HuffPo]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 81 comments }

Serolf Divad July 16, 2008 at 12:46 pm

You know, come to think of it, Jesse Helms can probably trace his own origin to anal Sodomy.

queeraselvis v 2.0 July 16, 2008 at 12:47 pm

I hope hope HOPE she’s doing this because she knows that Jesse would be a doing a 360 in his grave, and not because she’s trying to somehow rehabilitate the Satanic assbucket.

FreshCliches July 16, 2008 at 12:48 pm

Let’s go with the “Arthur Ashe Memorial To Jesse Helms’ Stupidity Act”, and REALLY fuck ‘em all up.

echoman2000 July 16, 2008 at 12:51 pm

where to begin? what’s that on her head? IT’S A WIIIIIIIGGGGGG! AN EMPTY HEADED WIIIIIIIGGGGGG!!!

no really, i’m at a loss…literally. i’m just sitting here shaking my head. please make this stop. it’s got to stop.

V572625694 July 16, 2008 at 12:53 pm

I was flying from Charlotte to DC one time when Liddy was Red Cross honcho. It was just before boarding and some suited wonk kept poking his head out a VIP holding tank to see if it was time to get on. I was in the first row, nobody next to me, and in the first row across the aisle, Liddy and the wonk got on. The wonk was then sent back to coach so Liddy wouldn’t have to sit next to some random icky member of the public.

You could catch AIDS that way, I guess

Gopherit v2.0 July 16, 2008 at 12:54 pm

“There is not one single case of AIDS in this country that cannot be traced in origin to sodomy.”

This rule of thumb should be renamed the 6 degrees of Jesse Helms. Any act of sodomy in the US can be traced back to Jesse Helms in 6 acts of sodomy or less.

For instance: Bob Dole has almost certainly taken advantage of his little blue pills to perform sodomy on his (gods forgive me) “beautiful” wife Elizabeth who once performed in a show with a donkey that once was a close, personal pet of Jesse Helms!

1ofUS July 16, 2008 at 12:54 pm

The drool from those ruby red lips lisp a slippery viagra falls of powerful man-scent. She can make a dead man cum…and she will. She WILL!

Hooray For Anything July 16, 2008 at 12:55 pm

This story makes my head hurt

Truculent July 16, 2008 at 12:55 pm

She just wants to honor all them nigras what got the disease from doin’ all that dope and all, and then spreadin’ it around to their wimmin so we white people have to pay to cure it or they might put the germs in our Blimpie sandwiches. Jesse’s just looking out for folks.

Terry July 16, 2008 at 12:56 pm

The best that can come from this is that she’ll anger a broad range of voters in NC and they’ll kick her arse out of office. The conservatives should be pissed off that she’d want to attach Helms name to a bill associated with gays and drug users. The rest of the voters should just be asking “Really, Liddy? WTF is wrong with your brain?”

NoWireHangers July 16, 2008 at 12:57 pm

The Repubs love re-writing history. If you’re going to be an asshole during your life, at least own the asshattery after you die.

ALIVE! July 16, 2008 at 1:00 pm

[re=37318]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: That’s what I’m thinking. It’s some subversive name-the-San-Francisco-sewage-plant-after-George-W-Bush type thing. I hope.

medievalist July 16, 2008 at 1:02 pm

I think it should be called “The Jesse Helms Memorial Defense of Sodomy Act.”

tsunami July 16, 2008 at 1:02 pm

i’d have done her backdoor when she was younger.

professor.cj July 16, 2008 at 1:05 pm

after reading this I thought, huh, she must be one of those legally retarded senators you hear so much about, so I checked Wikipedia real quick, and apparently she went to some real fancy schools and stuff, so wtf?

i’m not sure who Kay Hagan is, but she’s running against Dole this fall, so I’m sending her five bucks, so she can oust that rat-ass-crazy-bitch-lionizing-the-evil-bastard-who-killed-my-friends-with-the-thing-he-killed-them-with. or something like that. angry homer no think good.

also, she looks like a mary kay rep with bad teef.

queerbubbles July 16, 2008 at 1:05 pm

Oh.

My.

God.

Thank god this woman cant procreate!

shortsshortsshorts July 16, 2008 at 1:06 pm

And all this time I thought the Republican Party was the origin of sodomy….

Servo July 16, 2008 at 1:07 pm

The only befitting use of his name is for the lower colon. We’ll call it the Helms region.
Looks like Liz showed up at Glamour Shots all shnookered. A few too many mint juleps?

SayItWithWookies July 16, 2008 at 1:09 pm

Can we call it the “Sodomize the Memory of Jesse Helms Before He’s Even Cold in the Grave Act”? Pleeeeease? And can we add amendments normalizing relations with Cuba and granting citizenship to gay black junkies who were oppressed by our right-wing puppets during the cold war?

randomsausage July 16, 2008 at 1:10 pm

I’ve seen La Dole up close. She has a face more wrinkled than a bulldog chewing a wasp. Some serious Photoshopping has been going on with that picture. The Iranians have the Clone Tool, the Republicans have The Healing Brush.

GayInMaine July 16, 2008 at 1:12 pm

Just when I think that I’ve heard all the stupid possible from one political party for one day – this comes along.

I’d love to snark more on this, but as someone that lived through the 80′s and 90′s watching his friends die while Jesse and his ilk were all but applauding it, I’m just sick reading this.

Go away Elizabeth, and your little dog, too!

Botswana Meat Commission FC July 16, 2008 at 1:13 pm

I honestly thought she was dead. I’m being 100% snark free.

Rev. Peter Lemonjello July 16, 2008 at 1:13 pm

Shouldn’t it be the Reagan AIDS bill, seeings how he invented the AIDS and all?

queeraselvis v 2.0 July 16, 2008 at 1:16 pm

[re=37367]randomsausage[/re]: Judging from that hairdo, the pic was probably taken in 1982.

Not_So_Much July 16, 2008 at 1:16 pm

[re=37318]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: I’m with you. I think all things gay should have a name connection to Assfuck Helms.

Well, except the Santorum. That’s already taken…

Darehead July 16, 2008 at 1:16 pm

Well, she had to be doing it with someone before Viagra was invented.

Truculent July 16, 2008 at 1:17 pm

“The chair recognizes Senator Dole.”

“Mr. President, the thrust of my motion to rename this bill after the late Senator Helms is this; we cannot fudge our AIDS problem any longer. Too many times we have sought back avenues instead of taking a frontal approach to this serious problem. We must not blow it this time around. Senator Helms always took a stiff stance on issues regarding America’s sexual health. It’s time to ram this legislation through this body and then shoot it over to the House where upturned faces of out colleagues will wait with eager anticipation for the splash of goodwill this law will generate. Mr. President, I yield my time so I can get a Kleenex.”

Lorax July 16, 2008 at 1:17 pm

That’s a MAN, baby!

onehotdisaster July 16, 2008 at 1:17 pm

dole is a buttgoblin.

ReelectTilden July 16, 2008 at 1:20 pm

It’s fitting, because Helms was the force behind the government effort to create AIDS to kill the queers and the nigras.

tunamelt July 16, 2008 at 1:26 pm

[re=37318]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Basically pissing on his grave.

masterdebater July 16, 2008 at 1:30 pm

If ever there was a woman who needed a good old fashioned gorilla raping…

Doglessliberal July 16, 2008 at 1:31 pm

[re=37376]Not_So_Much[/re]: and troyking

ScottZumwalt July 16, 2008 at 1:32 pm

professor.cj, thank you for the contribution. Kay just finished up a great quarter and her race is gaining attention nationwide.

Take a look by visiting her website: http://www.kayhagan.com

*Disclosure: I am Kay Hagan’s Online Communications Director*

Doglessliberal July 16, 2008 at 1:32 pm

[re=37367]randomsausage[/re]: Her husband, however, has had so much plastic surgery, he looks like a wax replica of himself.

Dairy Queen July 16, 2008 at 1:35 pm

WOW…what a c%$t.

Schadenfried July 16, 2008 at 1:38 pm

She’s a SENATOR? When did this shit happen?

Larry Fine July 16, 2008 at 1:39 pm

So what I got out of this article was that Jesse Helms died of AIDS.

ALIVE! July 16, 2008 at 1:40 pm

[re=37380]Truculent[/re]: Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner.

Makeithurt July 16, 2008 at 1:42 pm

Those of us who’ve spent our lives perfecting sodomy are outraged at how all this gives it a bad name.

Truculent July 16, 2008 at 1:43 pm

[re=37424]ALIVE![/re]: Thank you. If I didn’t have an actual job with real responsibilities, her speech would have been much longer.

Iggy Plop July 16, 2008 at 1:43 pm

Here’s an idea to honor the memory of Jesse Helms. It’ll work in any major metropolis that offers those dumbass horse cart rides around the park/cutsey downtown shopping area (which are atavistic and cruel and needlessly tie up traffic, but that’s a different issue). Make up little notecard placards with Jesse’s name on it, birth and death dates, and glue toothpicks to them. See where this is going? Yep, little memorial stacks of horseshit all over the place.

queeraselvis v 2.0 July 16, 2008 at 1:44 pm

[re=37376]Not_So_Much[/re]: We could rename the Dirty Sanchez the “Jizzy Helms” in his honor. Maybe someone should poll Dan Savage and see what he thinks.

Combover July 16, 2008 at 1:46 pm

The Bill Clinton Institute for Purity Before and After Marriage! (BCIPBAM!)

Studge July 16, 2008 at 2:01 pm

Who elected Phyllis Diller to the Senate, anyhow?

Clancy_Pants July 16, 2008 at 2:01 pm

Elizabeth Dole – Anita Bryant? Separated at birth or the same person? Anyone seen them in the same room at the same time?

madirishman July 16, 2008 at 2:03 pm

[re=37325]V572625694[/re]: I worked for the Red Cross back when Liddy was the CEO. I think she got the job because Sen. Bob pulled some strings. She was universally DESPISED by the rank-and-file at the Red Cross because she had NO FUCKING IDEA what she was doing! The FDA hammered the Red Cross because of problems with its blood collection and testing processes, and Liddy lasted maybe two years.

Which made her wonderfully qualified to become a U.S. Senator. And her Jesse Helms AIDS bill is clear evidence of a lack of oxygen in the Senate chambers. The brain damage must be massive!

BeachLover420 July 16, 2008 at 2:05 pm

Okay, who slipped the LSD into my tea? This is so wrong on so many levels. F Liddy and I hope Jesse is burning in hell.

Combover July 16, 2008 at 2:16 pm

The Hillary Clinton Act for More Attractive Skirts, Dresses and Twin-Sets! (HCAMASDAT!)

Combover July 16, 2008 at 2:17 pm

The Obama Act for Levity in Politics! (BOALIP!)

Advocatus_Diaboli July 16, 2008 at 2:23 pm

I’m thinking the “John Hinckley Protect the President from Assassins Act of 2008″

Hart88 July 16, 2008 at 2:31 pm

This is only slightly more ironic than naming an airport after Reagan, you know.

pierce bottoms July 16, 2008 at 2:39 pm

what a lovely gesture! if it doesn’t work out, maybe they can market a big black dildo and call it “the Helmsman.”

Doglessliberal July 16, 2008 at 2:40 pm

[re=37510]Hart88[/re]: I hear that twice a day every work day, and it grates each time. I refuse to call it that.

Scarab July 16, 2008 at 2:40 pm

I’d hit that
… with a bowling ball bag full of horseshoes.

Truculent July 16, 2008 at 2:42 pm

Dear, dear Liddy, bent over her desk late at night, the ghost of Jesse Helms behind her, pushing, pushing to get the bill written. Gritting her teeth, she struggles to take it all in; teh complexity of the legislation, the scope of the problem worldwide. Her insides feel torn as she contemplates the task that will soon be in front of her, when she will enjoy teh sweet pearls of wisdom that follow a good, hard legislative caucus

SayItWithWookies July 16, 2008 at 2:48 pm

[re=37539]Doglessliberal[/re]: Ever since the name change, I’ve called it Idiot National.

Doglessliberal July 16, 2008 at 3:11 pm

[re=37558]SayItWithWookies[/re]: That’ll work!

kudzu July 16, 2008 at 3:15 pm

Cunt.

larz July 16, 2008 at 3:34 pm

I didn’t think that repugnican’ts got “irony”.

anabellum July 16, 2008 at 3:48 pm

Liz is just trying to thank Jesse for all the help he gave her family with the ‘negroes’….

heres a list compiled from the 1850 US Census Slave Schedule…her great grandfathers name was Henry Cathey, her families lived in Meckenburg county N.C. for generations……

http://search.ancestry.com/cgi-bin/sse.dll?db=1850slaveschedules&so=2&cj=1&pcc=2&hc=50&gs1co=2%2cUSA&gsfn=henry+&prox=1&gsln=cathey&gspl=36%2cNorth+Carolina&rank=0&sx=y&gss=angs-c&o_xid=0002373070&o_lid=0002373070

Matthew Crunt July 16, 2008 at 3:57 pm

I was giving a blow job at St. Alphonis’ Rectory when I heard the news! The altar boy fell off the ladder! What next? Will we find out Cindy McTemper is not a cunt, but has balls bigger than King Kong? The really good thing about Helms is that he is DEAD!! He and Cocksucker Snow didn’t get to vote for McTemper. My favorite kind of republicans….DEAD! BYE BYE

anabellum July 16, 2008 at 3:57 pm

[re=37678]anabellum[/re]: make that…Mecklenburg…

wonk_the_heck July 16, 2008 at 4:19 pm

Her next exploit? Renaming the AIDS Memorial Quilt to
the Jesse Helms Homeland Security Blanket.

randomsausage July 16, 2008 at 4:19 pm

I’m pretty sure I saw the full body shot of this chick on a granny porn site the other day

Borat July 16, 2008 at 4:44 pm

[re=37355]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: exactly. it seems like all those republican swingers are into hard sweaty nakid hary buttsecks…oh yeah what was i talking about. oh bob dole was a stud

snig July 16, 2008 at 4:51 pm

Compromise is in order. How bout the “Jesse Helms is thankfully dead and can now longer delay funding and cause untold human misery like the evil bastard used to Memorial Act”.

Borat July 16, 2008 at 4:52 pm

[re=37463]madirishman[/re]: that’s pretty sad that the best job bobby dole could get his wife is ceo of the red cross. i think mccrack referred to womyn red cross workers them as donut dollies in back in ‘nam. sellin his wife out as a hooka, man what a tool

magic titty July 16, 2008 at 5:05 pm

Just when you thought Elizabeth Dole was all dead and shit, she shows us her shriveled teat tattoo, that reads “Helms”

popsicle schitk July 16, 2008 at 5:54 pm

After reading for 2 years, I finally registered just to say:

What an evil, retarded asshole. I hope when her time comes she’ll find herself right next to ol’ Jesse – sweating off that pancake make-up.

BadNewsJack July 16, 2008 at 5:59 pm

How dare you guys mock Jessie Helms. This man has done so much for the….. *snort* sorry, almost said that with a straight face.

Democratica July 16, 2008 at 6:47 pm

From Liddy’s bio on her Senate website: “In January 1999, Elizabeth Dole concluded her service at the Red Cross and sought the Republican presidential nomination. In her campaign for president of the United States, Elizabeth Dole became the first viable woman candidate from a major political party. She attracted thousands of first-time voters into the democratic process.”

First? Viable? Woman? Candidate? Huh. Apparently she’s got some experience in the history-rewriting biz…

S. Cullen Bonz July 16, 2008 at 7:42 pm

Does her husband still give her the Dole banana? It’s a great banana (because it’s Dole).

Scooter July 16, 2008 at 7:51 pm

As hideous as Liddy is, her skin suggests she is perhaps alive. Meanwhile Sen. I’m Bob Dole looks like an animatronic Egyptian mummy who’s been tagged with dayglo orange backstage!

madirishman July 16, 2008 at 8:10 pm

[re=37959]Democratica[/re]: Did you SEE her at the ’96 Republican convention? Mother of God! Every word, gesture and step was choreographed like the robots in “The Hall of Presidents” at Disney World! That woman couldn’t be spontaneous if her life depended on it! She makes Walnuts look like Patrick Stewart!

RobPetrified July 16, 2008 at 8:55 pm

There seems to be a strange dichotomy in the rightwingnut mind that makes this sort of Bizarro World thinking rational to them.
I’m reminded of an ultra rightwing, Bush loving, homo hating, person with whom I frequently lock horns on another forum.
He sends me private messages about how much he obcesses about my beautiful anus, but in public, well, he’s just another gay hatin’, restroom prowling toe tapper.
I don’t pretend to be able to understand the twisted logic these creatures are hard wired with, but like so many things that I don’t understand, I have learned that “it is what it is.”
Is there any evidence that Lizzie may secretly be a lezzie?
What a twisted world we live in.
Who putthe insane in charge of the asylum?
How insane will I>/i> have to become to be …..NAH, I don’t want it.

Fata Morgana July 16, 2008 at 9:31 pm

YAY! Open html tag!

dcjdjay July 16, 2008 at 10:55 pm

Yet another smashing legislative achievement by this dealer of botox and Viagra.

flyingspaghettimonster July 16, 2008 at 11:36 pm

really? is she some kind of cunty, right-wing performance artist?

Rockwell July 17, 2008 at 12:08 am

I’ve always wondered about the left’s obsession with AIDS. I’ve always assumed that it has something to do with the left’s embrace of personal irresponsibility, which is of course how AIDS spreads.

metroblaze July 17, 2008 at 10:52 am

I can’t tell if Rockwell up there was, at 12:08 this morning, defending Liddy Dole’s personal irresponsibility for her most recent remarkable political travesty at issue, the profound ignorance underlying which is of course how the AIDS pandemic was perpetuatuated for so long, or if his corpus callosum is just queefing again whilst he forces out another hemorrhagic anal polyp!

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