Wonkette
Alan Keyes’ political career has been a constant series of embarrassing failures, so pathetic that even Keyes recently referred to himself as this: “I kind of represent, in political terms, the abortion.” In recent years, his unmitigated disasters include losing to Barry Obama in the 2004 Illinois Senate race by ~250%, sneaking into a Republican debate in Iowa late last year only to complain to the moderator for 63 seconds about not getting 60 seconds of speaking time, and losing the Constitution Party’s nomination a few months ago to some schmo named Chuck Baldwin, a known Paultard. Today, however, we received a press release telling us the glamorous news: “American Independent Party of California Nominates Alan Keyes for President.” Even though he finally won a nomination for something, this surely stands as his most spectacular failure yet.
Then again, the American Independent Party is poised to redefine the political map to a degree not seen since the late antebellum period. This, according to “Markham” Robinson, Chairman of the American Independent Party:
“This nomination is the culmination of a long process. Our party began 40 years ago with an emphasis on State’s Rights, an important aspect of the Tenth Amendment. Alan Keyes is an emphatic supporter of the Tenth Amendment in its broader application as a right to a Federal Government limited to its Constitutionally granted powers. Our affiliation with America’s Independent Party (of Fenton MI) makes California the vanguard of a new national party that will replace the Republicans just as the Republicans replaced the Whigs.”
We look forward to the day. Knowing Keyes’ record, however, we’re still not entirely convinced that his nomination is a done deal. This Markham character will probably find a dead rabbit on the side of Florida Avenue this afternoon and immediately give it the nomination.
who?
Sweet! President Keyes’ first act upon swearing the oath of office will be to declare that Alan Keyes is 3/5 of a citizen, and, legally, a slave.
You fail. Wonkette should have formed a party and nominated him first.
SPOILER!
My dream ticket is still McKinney/Keyes.
He was nominated for President of what?
So many thoughts, where to begin:
1. It was rumored/probably true that Keyes ran against Barry in 2004 b/c: the IL GOP needed a warm body, they offered to pay off his huge campaign debt from past loser races, and he’s a black Republican–a rare turd in the rough
2. As such, I always through Keyes was a crazy for pay
3. Apparently not, though, because like the Energizer Bunny, he keeps going and going…
4. Who is fitting the bill for Teh Crazy?
5. Ron Paul is a really really big loser if Alan Keyes is the nominee for ANY party while he is just Hobbit King of the freaks
The End.
if a candidate willing to represent ANYBODY in a losing bid for national office is the perfect candidate for the American Independent Party, I fail to see how this party is much different than the Republicans they seek to replace.
That picture calls for a photoshop competition.
JeffGoldblum: Yeah, he’s going to throw a monkey wrench into the all important Ron Paul/Bob Barr/Ralph Nader “most self important loser” contest.
This flagrant disrespect for the party of Zachary Taylor and Millard Fillmore shall not stand!
I always wanted to know: besides losing elections, what does this guy do for a living? Like, what good or service does he exchange for the money he presumably lives on?
He’s not abortion enough.
Not really. This is the California affiliate of the Constitution Party and Chuck Baldwin has the nomination. The guy who controls their website likes Keyes, though, so he took his ball and posted Keyes’ name on it. Baldwin will be on the ballot for the AIP/Cali.
From the AIP-CA’s splendiferous website:
“The American Independent Party, gratefully acknowledging the Lord God as creator and protector of the nation, hereby appeals to Him for continuing guidance…”
They think George Washington is God and pray to the good General to save him (therefore circumventing the electoral process and rendering themselves pointless). Since they are obviously insane, I think this is a perfect fit for Alan “Fetus” Keyes.
Isn’t Alan Keyes a closet homo?
Larry Fine: Roll with it!
In the time of change and hope I was an abortion
Da Gehy in my sperm and I’m out to cut the budget
Waving plastic fetus, vote getting desperation
Can’t win any post in the “serious” parties
Won’t kill my ambition or put it away
Only lost by fifty percent to Barack Obama
Woulda won if not for the sane voters
Got a couple of chances, among the crazees
Someone came in sayin I’m the one to lead them
To the promised land because I am the one “good” black
I believe everything that I say
No good comes from the taxation and get geyh from the TV
So cut your taxes with some mace in the dark
Cuttin all your food stamps and burnin down abortion clinics
Yo. cut it.
Soy un mucho loco
I’m Alan Keyes baby, so please don’t you ignore me!
Soy un mucho loco
I’m Alan Keyes baby, so please don’t you ignore me!
Oh, you were too kind to Alan. There are much worse pics of him out there, looking all bug-eyed and semi-hysterical.
Now there’s a black presidential candidate worth fearing. I knew we’d find one.
Schmo. Indeed.
This madman is poised to syphon off literally dozens of votes from Nader and Ron Paul. SPOILER!! SPLITTER!!1!
Who’s this Keyes guy everyone keeps talking about? What does he have to do with anything?
ManchuCandidate: Awesome.
Someone really should televise a second tier presidential debate.
Excellent move by Barry to set this whole thing up. Now nobody can accuse him of being the crazy black guy in the race.
Photoshop anything into those big blurry hands… the famous Bush kitten, a child’s head, a whole turkey. The possibilities are endless.
Rev. Peter Lemonjello: Pay-per-view that bitch too! It would be better than any Wrasslemania event, unless Borat organized it of course.
Godless Liberal *: I was wondering exactly the same thing. Also, how I could get in on some of that action.
“America’s Independent Party (of Fenton MI)”
Are there so many Americ’s Independent Parties that you really have to point out which pissant town in which this one originated?
NoWireHangers: I’m pretty sure this Keyes guy is a conservative talk radio host, so the “crazy for pay” is pretty much a given, with his particular schtick; the fact that he’s black. The presidential runs are surely just self-promotion, to try to keep up his listener base. So he’s a presidential candidate only in the Colbertian sense of the word, only a little more deadpan about it.
American Independent Party? Hmm. I was pretty much ready to dismiss them as a bunch of California wackjobs until I noticed that they’re affiliated with the America’s Independent Party of FENTON, MICHIGAN!
Fenton, Michigan! As goes Fenton, so goes the nation.
Seriously? Your credibility booster line is asserting an association with a group in Fenton, MI (which, let’s be honest, probably amounts to a couple of Cheeto-stained mulleteers manning a basement-level BBS)?
I can feel the power from here, and I am very afraid. The AIP/Keyes campaign is nigh. Be prepared to start…RECEIVING EMAILS!!
Ha! AIP is the old George Wallace party! And now they done nominate themself a nigra! Lawks a massy!
Larry Fine: well let’th thee, Mr Keyeth, he’th got the cutethd darned gay lithp evah, he thertainly doeth.
He must have a crush on Cheney too since he’s a die-hard defender of interventionism and tthe preemptive strike — which makes him different from the other Constitutionalists aka Paultard Constipatriotists.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YlE4-iu6xD0&NR=1
Godless Liberal *: According to Wikipedia, Reagan appointed him as a low level diplomat at the U.N. and made John Bolton seem sane. Also of interest, his roommate at Harvard was Bill Kristol (who ran his first campaign, one in which, surprisingly, he lost) and is a trained opera singer.
magic titty: “Now there’s a black presidential candidate worth fearing. I knew we’d find one.”
You’re not afraid of Bob Barr?
Lascauxcaveman: Talk radio host? Criminy. I will continue to avoid the AM.
Wasn’t the American Independent Party George Wallace’s third-party vehicle? Or are the two unrelated?
He has violated the tenth amendment: Thou has covered thy neighbor’s ass with spewem. Oh, wait…that’s the tenth commandment…never mind.
Fear of a Black Reagan: You got to it first, and funnier than I did.
NoWireHangers:
Illinois Republicans were desperate in 2004. They lost their preferred nominee to a sex scandal*, then went through at least two more rumored candidates(one of whom was Mike Ditka) before finally landing Ambassador Keyes. He was such a great campaigner that he’d alienated state GOP bigwigs before the Republican National Convention had even taken place. He famously remarked that Jesus wouldn’t vote for Barack Obama, because Barry has a “slaveowner’s mentality”. This guy.
*Jack Ryan’s sex scandal actually involved an adult female!
Darehead:
The lisp combined with his Kermit the Frog voice is just pure goldness.
In Keyes’s defense, let’s not forget that he won Michael Moore’s endorsement in 2000 for being the only presidential candidate desperate enough to mosh.
NoWireHangers: He interviewed Borat even! Yeah, I couldn’t find a youtubey clip, but Rolling Stone had this to say when Borat offered him a “Jew’s rib”:
“Keyes accepted the gift with the words, “Thank you very much.” However, as it dawned on him what he’d just done on camera, he freaked out, tore his microphone off and stormed out of the room. Producers were able to bring him back into the interview by saying there had been a misunderstanding and Borat had said a “dew’s rib,” as in a rib of the morning dew, which may not have made any more sense to Keyes but at least it couldn’t ruin his political career.”
Fear of a Black Reagan: I kind of think Alan Keyes and zombie George Wallace would end up getting along pretty well, sadly.
Whig Party for Keyes!
ReelectTilden: This is the American Independent Party of FENTON.MICHIGAN!
obfuscator: Jack Ryan’s sex scandal actually involved an intensely hot adult female. He should have just switched parties. We would be honored to have him.
SayItWithWookies: more like a late-term D&E
I get it now! The presidential race is just like American Idol. The ridiculous candidates are half of the show.
So is this “pro-family” guy still not speaking to his lesbian daughter?
Squiggyfm: Actually, when George Washington was trying to come up with a title for his shiny new job as leader - he wanted “His Mightiness, the President of the United States.” Mighty, indeed.
The most damning thing you can say about him, is he handled his daughter being a lesbian with less humanity than Dick Cheney did. At one point he cut off financial support to her, I don’t know that Cheney ever did that.
I know Keyes when he was a perennial loser in MD. He’d run for stuff, appear on talk shows. He’s pretty much the Special Delivery Jones of the political world.
DarkSynergy: Keyes-McKinney ultimate fighting cage match. NOW, GODDAMMIT!!1
Isn’t this the party that nominated Mary Kay Letourneau’s dad back in the ’80s? Clearly they have a spotless record of nominating non-insane people.
Her?
Does this mean he gets to debate Obama and McCain? Please, please, say its true!!!!
Lefties and Righties together. How cute! What a strange synchrony. Both anti-war. Both abusive. You deserve each other.