Oh, so our president is giving a press conference, talkin’ about the economies and offshore drilling and such? It’s a slowish news day, so we might as well liveblog this dealy. Fix yourself a triple Wonkettini and join us after the jump for whatever jokes we can muster about the limp Dow, and smacking Fannie into a state of renewed arousal.
10:19 AM — Oh hey look it’s that guy who wanted a tee shirt.
10:20 AM — Exciting shots of various people milling around the Press Briefing Palace. Oh hey look it’s the President! Joe Scarborough’s guest totally stepped on his opening sentence or two.
10:24 AM — George Bush looks like he has been up since last Friday. Remember back when he ran an “executive presidency” and keep a strict 8-5 schedule? Ha ha ha, now he has to work. Offshore drilling, blah blah blah.
10:26 AM — More castigation of Congress for postponing appropriations bills, wonderful offshore exploration…He will probably get mad at Congress for postponing Christmas. High gas prices and the mortgage meltdown are blamed on Democrats’ failure to act. Oh goodness. The older he gets, the more he looks like his mom: a tired, angry old scold, with a mean face.
10:28 AM — First question: Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac bailout. What’s up with that? We need stability and confidence in the mortgage markets, says Bush, which is why we let these massive lenders do whatever they wanted with no oversight, for years. Ooh did he just sort of admit that there might be a BANK RUN? Oh Christ he just said “Bank run.” RUN FOR THE HILLS. Plant yourself a fucking vegetable garden and buy GUNS, people.
10:31 AM — Some question about stimulus checks. Didn’t everybody spend them on porn?
10:32 AM — Your editor Jim Newell is awake at this hour, and remarks, “HAHA on CNN they have a screen-in-screen of the dow tumbling, as george bush says how great things are.”
10:33 AM — Are there other entities besides mortgage lenders and banks that can count on the government to bail them out when they end up terrifically fucked, such as GM? Bush says “No, the government should not bail out private enterprises.” Except when it is necessary to prevent bank runs. And the hoarding of vegetables, and firearms. George Bush says DO NOT RAISE TAXES.
10:36 AM — Question: what can you do NOW to address oil prices? Answer: Psychology…say to the world that we’re going to use new technologies to explore…to help change the psychology. Ha ha, he brings up the magic wand again. There you go, Mind Tricks and Magic Wands are the only ways to save our nation from an oil-and-gas Apocalypse.
10:38 AM — Hmm, is this whole press conference just a stunt to keep the networks from covering Barack Obama’s speech, which is supposed to start in … seven minutes?
10:41 AM — Something about MoveOn.org and teevee shows, er, newscasts. This is a portrait of a man slowly losing what’s left of his mind after eight years of exhaustion and failure. “This is just a transition period,” he says, away from hydrocarbon techmologies. In the future, the internal combustion engine will be outlawed and everything will run on liquefied humans like in The Matrix.
10:44 AM — Regarding Guantanamo, he has always said “either send them back home or let them have their day in court.” Really? Also why the angry grin about Zimbabwe? “It’s frankly unacceptable,” he says, smiling. Shudder. We will miss his inappropriate facial expressions when he is exiled to Crawford.
10:46 AM — Somebody reads a bit of Barack Obama’s speech, which he’s supposed to be giving right now. “I am loath to respond to a presidential candidate,” he says, “except when I’m speaking to the Knesset and calling the candidate a Nazi appeaser.” The question is about Iraq vs. Afghanistan. “They have no disregard for human life.” Get some sleep, dude.
10:49 AM — Apparently there is a troop surge going on in Afghanistan right now. Who knew? “I understand exhaustion.” Indeed/heh, as Glenn Reynolds would say. Now he is just stringing together a bunch of old sound bites from old speeches…”we will make a determination based on the facts on the ground,” a “brutal enemy,” “they don’t want us to succeed,” snooze. He has figured out that they kill because they want us to leave. He’s learning!
10:52 AM — Why hasn’t Bush encouraged people to drive less? Because the marketplace works. And because he does not want to look like Jimmy Carter. See how wonderful it is when consumers run the economy?
10:55 AM — Will he sign an interim agreement with the Iraqis and leave more permanent agreements to the next guy? Suddenly he looks like he’s reading from a teleprompter, weird. Did he answer the question, about the interim agreement or about the oil companies? Not really. Bottom line: Oil exploration is good. Meanwhile, the Dow is back over 10,900 so there’s that!
10:58 AM — “You don’t have to drill on top of a reef. You can have a horizontal hole.” Lips twitching. He is chewing his lips like a meth freak.
11:00 AM — “We’re not members of the ICC,” he says, which is good for him because otherwise in about two years he’d be sitting in the dock.
10:02 AM — Nobody here is an economist. Therefore, nobody is entitled to an opinion about the economy.
10:04 AM — We are bored/tired and our weak coffee is not making this any easier. THE END.
{ 40 comments }
Offshore oil is the new Iraqi WMDs.
If only those whiny liebruls would step aside, the offshore drilling will solve all of our credit, economic, and financial worries.
That cat looks tasty. I thought they only ate babies at white house buffets though
No, Sara K. Smith, when there’s a BANK RUN, you RUN TO THE BANK for your MONEYZ. How would running to the hills help? God, it’s like you kids have forgotten everything we learned in the last Great Depression.
Please tell me he didn’t go back to the magic wand…
“There is no immediate fix… it took me 7 1/2 years to fuck things up this royally… we’re not just going to wave a magic wand and get out of it.”
[re=36122]SuperRounder[/re]: That was some epic shit. The man is on his GAME today.
[re=36119]jagorev[/re]: Fortunately, one of the great men running for President remembers the last Great Depression, and can use everything he learned then. Hope everyone likes turnip soup.
I’m so disgusted by this colossal douchenozzle at this point, I got nothin’. But, seriously now, Sara: Best. Photo. Ever.
“the iraqis invited us to be there”
1000 Internet dollars to the first reporter to get the President to admit he was wrong. About anything. Seriously. I’ll even take “Mr. President, don’t you think that tie makes you look like you fell off the wagon into a vat of Dewar’s?”
Geez. If li’l ol’ me had a fraction of the fiscal irresponsibility as the government and banks, I’d be writing from prison. Pardon me, but if you’re backing gazillions of dollars in mortgages, wouldn’t it be in your best interest to scrutinize them? If I backed somebody for $100, and then they blew it ( and then some )at the casino, I’d be hunting them down with a hickory axe handle.
My IQ just dropped 10 points watching this mental black hole open his mouth and unleash stupidity onto the masses.
Not to go all Harry Potter and what not, but seriously, someone needs to “Avada Kedavra” this sorry excuse for a sack of shit. I mean, damn.
That offshore oil will surely great us as liberators.
Sweet Jesus. Why can’t his shitkicking aides tell that bitch what to say before he ejaculates his inane screeds on tv? Psychology!? Who the fuck is he, Professor X? At least Reagan had the excuse of fast-acting dimensia. This sumbitch is absurd.
Could the magic wand shoved up his ass be the one where flowers explode out of it? Or maybe one that makes scarves trail out of his mouth instead of these unintelligle words?
I’m a fisherman … what about the reefs? Drill around the reefs. Reefer madness!
But he means well.
It’s great how everything that’s gone wrong in the country over the last 7 1/2 years is the fault of the impotent congress we’ve had for the past 1 1/2 years.
The saddest thing is that Bush is just stupid enough to actually believe it, too.
I miss Carter’s “Malaise.” Better than fiscal implosion due to Gramm/Republicon deregulation and Wall St greed. And endless war to help the profits of the connected. And ecological doom. And for pretty much everything else.
[re=36138]SuperRounder[/re]: I tried this, not with Bush, but with one of his propagandists (D’Souza) when he came to speak at our college a few years ago.
In spite of repeatedly being asked “Has the Bush administration ever made any mistakes?” he was absolutely incapable of answering the question straightforwardly. It was like speaking to an android, a Republican android that had been trained to regard George W. Bush as an omniscient being.
I finally figured out why the press has done such a crappy job trying to pin down this President. It’s like fighting the retarded kid. Sure, he’s retarded, but he’s strong in an unorthodox way and doesn’t really feel pain.
y’all are to toough on bush. the man is a moran.
you don’t make fun of retards at bus stops, do you?
do you?…mmm…maybe y’all do.
ok then, carry on.
New drinking game for Bush press conferences: Just drink your ass off, preferably at the Tune Inn. When he puts his eyes up into his head, like he’s trying to read the words up there on the front of his skull – you know, where the brain is a’pposed to be – cry into your beer with heaving sobs.
Good time had by none.
Most votes in U.S. history in 2004. Suck it world!
[re=36159]nbawriter[/re]:
Yes, retard strength. There was a spirited debate over at Deaspin on this subject a few months ago, iirc. Some people deny it’s existence. I call these people fools.
[re=36161]tsunami[/re]:
to toough on bush…well, the extra o in too ended up in
the wrong word.
sorry, but bush was on tv in the lunchroom and i had to endure
15 IQ lowering minutes of his shit.
hopefully, my faculties will regenerate in a few minutes.
Yeah, it’s all still Clinton’s fault-that fucking retard needs a helmet…
It’s like CNN is holding a Dow-off with the Bush and Barry speeches.
“Liveblogging President Bush’s Exciting End of Our lives as we knew them Conference!”
And Wonkette, where’s my “we’re all fucked” tag?
[re=36153]Serolf Divad[/re]: I read conservative blogs too and many, many commenters are blaming Clinton, congress or me personally (strange, I haven’t owned a car in eight years) for the energy mess.
In ten years when we’ve finally gotten at that offshore oil and we’re still completely fucked can we oilboard some of these dickheads?
my straw reaches under the coral reef, and i drink your petroleum milkshake!
“This is a portrait of a man slowly losing what’s left of his mind after eight years of exhaustion and failure.”
Maybe you weren’t paying attention, Sara, but there was nothing left eight years ago.
Fifty million years of evolution, three centuries of democratic progress, the most powerful nation with the greatest access to resources the earth has ever known… and this man is put in charge. Twice.
Has anybody heard any rumors about whether Dubya is drinking again? (Personally, I don’t think he ever stopped, but his raggedy appearance seems suspicious.)
[re=36241]yellowdogdem[/re]: I don’t think he’s drinking. I think he’s lazy, stupid, and seven years older.
[re=36232]Sussemilch[/re]: There should be some sort of basic test for candidates for president. Possibly Rorschach.
[re=36266]TGY[/re]: Inkblots would be overkill. You can measure this guy’s stupid with a bucket.
[re=36241]yellowdogdem[/re]: I have heard rumors to that effect. Looking at the video from this press conference, I’d say he seems a little less drunk than at one I watched last year.
What kind of savage is GW, eating a poor defenseless kitten like that… without any kind of condiment or topping? Isn’t there any crumbled Child-Left-Behind he could sprinkle on that shit?
[re=36203]KevoTron[/re]: I predict that somewhere, in the right-wing blogosphere, someone is working on a post that proves how mass transit and liberals who drive hybrids are to blame for the oil crisis (because, uh, if only they all drove SUVs, oil companies would have drilled for more oil by now, or some shit).
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