Wonkette
There’s a new restaurant opening in Chinatown called “Asian Spice,” and Booze Master ScottL wants you to help create a famous new cocktail. “I would love to put a Wonkettini on the menu and thought it might be amusing if the commenters suggest a tasty libation befitting the name,” ScottL writes.
Here is how it works: Invent your own famous Wonkettini and tell us about it, in the comments.
(If you are not a registered commenter, just go to the bottom of this page and click “Create a nickname and avatar.” Follow the simple instructions and leave your comment, the end.)
ScottL and your Wonkette editors will choose the winning recipe and announce the winner here on your Wonkette, on Wednesday! Oh and guess what? If you win, you will get a special prize: a fifty-dollar bar tab at Asian Spice, which you’ll find on the corner of 8th and H NW, “two doors down from the Matchbox.”
Do us proud, people. Create a quality beverage of Change and Hope we can drink. Something classic, beautiful and based on our traditional booze values. Or something weird yet delicious.
It pretty much goes without saying that bitters are going to have to be an ingredient in this one. That’s about all I’ve got in the way of contributions, since I stick mostly to straight gin and despair.
Rum and jizz.
Take:
1 jigger of Bile
1 jigger of Bitter Tears
1 jigger of Phelm
Shake well over ice chipped from the frozen heart of Dick Cheney
Decant into a globet sculped from the skull of an Idealist.
Garnish with a slice of Regret, or an olive ripped forceably from the Branch of Peace (according to taste).
Serve by throwing into face of recipient, following by the broken glass into the throat or eyeball.
Hmmmmm.
THAT’s a COCKTAIL!
Neilist: Oh, and a splash of Sterno.
For the class.
This martini is the perfect representation of Wonkette: It’s sweet, its salty, and can perfectly conceal the taste of pretty much any roofie imaginable.
Ingredients
* 4 ounces of decent vodka.
* 1 ounce of cream sherry (fancy huh?)
* 1 tablespoon of lemon juice (fresh-squeezed please)
* 1 tablespoon of olive juice
* lemon twist.
Optional: Dash of Bitters for the bitters.
Shake it good… garnish with the lemon twist. Drink. Post Drunkenly on Wonkette about how good it is.
Neilist: No TRUCK NUTZ? I heard there was a big sale, seems like a shame not to use them.
No snark here, just a real drink that I invented….
Lots of ice…a couple of shots of Mead (for the D&D nerds), a double shot of gin, twist of lime and equal amounts mint and cilantro.
Goddamn delicious…summery and light, but also stong like bull.
Could also use a shot of angostura bitters if necessary for cultural relevance.
Oh..what is the best drink to throw in the face of a Paultard? I’m guessing a shredded dollar bill-tini
Cicada: Cicada, if you garnish with TRUCK NUTZ, it’s not a “Wonkettini.”
It’s a “Cindy’s Cunt.” Walnuts puts them away by the GALLON.
Wonkettini:
First you begin with a basic “Barrack” which is beer mixed with a shot of Arrack (for the Asian flavor), then add a dash of Bitterz and garnish with Walnuts.
More on Arrack (and “Barrack” is a real drink, too, btw): http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arrack
Cognac is the drink of both hope and despair, because only people who can’t really afford it drink it. Ask any gang member in Oakland who smashes a bottle of Hennesey at his homeboy’s street-corner funeral, or as the person who drops off half a bottle every year at the grave of Edgar Allan Poe knows. So let’s make this drink 2/3 cognac. Now to balance that we need a real snarky elitist touch, we need 1/3 Grand Marnier. It’s French, and therefore impossible for most real Americans to pronounce. Maybe a tiny dash of creme de cacao, since it goes nicely with the orange in the Grand Marnier. Not even vaguely a martini, but that’s a Republican drink anyway. Call if a Wonker.
A Cindy’s Cunt would be Budweiser with just enough oyster juice to give it that fishy taste.
Night train out of a coffee mug. Drink until the tears stop. Also, for it to be a true Wonkettini, you must begin serving before the Metro opens.
Oh hell — I didn’t want to go to sleep tonight anyway…
The Shitty-Gimlet:
3 oz vodka, preferably not something in a plastic jug (we’re elitists, after all)
.5 oz Rose lime juice (sour b/c that’s a synonym w/ sarcasm)
dash Bitters (come on, that’s just obvious. a little guns/god in a drink is enough to remind us from where we come)
dash of grenadine (we’re all really sweet down there somewhere, no?)
Shake vigorously w/ ice.
Serve in a phallic shaped glass, preferably something shaped like a pair of nutz.
Oh, and don’t serve it to anyone who doesn’t know who Ted Stevens is and that he is a cunt who plasters on the make-up like a trollop.
blah blah blah
Similar to Ivensen’s
BUT I like GIN. Not a big fan of Vodka.
3-4 Shots of Gin (needs the oomph)
1 oz of Regan’s Orange Bitters (if we weren’t bitter then we wouldn’t be here)
1 dash of vermouth (dry for the wit)
an 1 or 2 or cranberry (for bittersweet taste)
weirdiowasculpture:
I think I just puked up a lot in my mouth. Hint: it’s not the oyster juice.
ManchuCandidate:
1 oz of bitters? Try a dash, dumbass.
And the Gin? Bombay Sapphire.
Neilist: Yours is the damned funniest, I must say. Maybe could use some Koolaid too.
Here’s my one self-invented cocktail. Kind of a girly martini subsitute, but tastier and more nuanced than a Cosmo or appletini.
The Picadilly Sunrise
half-jigger good gin (Bombay Sapphire or equivalent)
half-jigger Triple Sec
jigger orange juice
1/2 Tbs. Rose’s sweetened lime juice
1/2 Tbs. cherry juice
Shake over ice, strain into a cocktail glass.
Mmmmm, that’s good boozin’.
As for the Wonkettini, here’s something off the top of my (drunk on gin) head:
In a cocktail shaker, muddle six mint leaves with 1 tsp. brown sugar (for Obama) and a pinch of sea salt (for Miss Liberty’s salty tears)
Pour in jigger of 100-proof bourbon (because that’s America’s Booze, goddammit)
Add 1 tsp. lemon juice (for the American auto industry), 3 drops of Angusturo bitters (obviously), and one egg white(y).
Fill with ice (for our Canadian cohorts), shake vigorously (for California) and pour into a lowball glass over two cubes (For the homos. They know what it means.)
Declaim vigorously while imbibing.
Ah, perfect! Now we wonketters in DC can get drunk on wonkettinis on a regular basis! sweet! (can we get a regular discount on the drink with proof of commentership?)
Chilled Irish whiskey in a martini glass.
A can of frozen lime juice, poured in a blender.
Fill lime juice can with tequila (or gin, or vodka) and add to blender.
Add ice and Osterize the mixture.
Garnish with something peppy, like cilantro, or sweet onion, or red pepper slices, but no bitters.
Serve the table a pitcher with complement of glasses on a “Hillary for Senate 2000″ platter. These can bought at extreme discount, but ya hafta hit the yard sales (2006 series works, but is not as poignant). Serve the table with jaunty white pendant sporting a cheerful red cross. Leave a stretcher and bucket within crawling distance of table. Unplug Karaoke machine.
Can arugula be used as a garnish?
Also, Hendrick’s Gin is the classiest gin. There is no competition.
I want it to be served in a brandy snifter, just so’s I can swirl it around snootily.
Or I could go the other direction and serve it in these:
http://stores.channeladvisor.com/condoms/items/item.aspx?itemid=6821844
They light up!
tunamelt: You betcha! No bitters though!
tunamelt: In this application, the classiness of gin is best assessed through evaluation of what one has eaten in the preceding several hours. Pizza is decorative, and festive as well.
tunamelt: Yesh, but you don’t want to taint it with most mixers. I had a killer cocktail the other night that was designed around Hendricks, using cucumber and rose water, but you don’t want to muck it up with tonic and whatnot. A Hendricks martini should be introduced to a picture of the guy who invented vermouth, but that’s all you need.
villageatrois: My test is: can you drink it neat?
A wonkettini = any martini served in this glass.
tunamelt: Drink it neat? No. If you can get home without any of it on your shoes, the bartender pays your cab fare.
I think we can all agree that whatever form it takes, the Wonkettini will have to include a large dash of bitters.
For reals:
I part Citrus Vodka (Stinging and Boozey)
1 Part Nocino (Green Walnut Liquor) (Bitter and elitist)
Shaken until cold and jaded
Served up with a side of gin
tunamelt: TRUE STORY.
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tunamelt: an all time favorite
This might just work:
1 shot gin (cheap and dry, like a good wonketeer)
1 shot vodka (should be Russian to catch Wonkette’s liberal leanings)
1 shot bourbon (good ol’ American moonshine if you have it, its the flag pin of the drink)
splash dry vermouth (to go with the dry wit, and to add a touch of class)
splash of olive brine (salty, like the tears of the Paultards, Naderites, Barrites, Rev. Wright, etc.).
dash of bitters (if we can get them to cling to their cocktails, wouldn’t it be a better world?)
shake over ice
strain into cocktail glass and garnish with a slice of lemon to remind us of how sour life really is.
American Dreamer: Eat shit and die, you spamming fuck.
Variations:
If McCain wins, add a shot of 150 year old cognac and a little Vietnamese Snake Liquor ( http://citynoise.org/article/6292 , amazing what you can find on the Internet).
If Obama wins, add a shot of courvoisier and float a nice rock of crack in the drink.
I say you just modify the traditional Dark and Stormy recipe:
2 oz Rum
8 oz ginger beer
Replace ginger beer with actual beer, and you’ve got yourself a drink. So what if it tastes like shit? This shit will fuck you up.
How about this:
Crown Royal with a good dose of olive juice, a dash of vermouth and a splash of bitters.
Shaken up and served.
It’s a bit of a Dirty Hillar-tini, really.
Okay, here’s mine, which symbolizes the three virtues: Hope, Surge and Bitter.
Hope is represented by our friend Gin, whose juniper berries are reminiscent of spring, the season of rebirth and renewal. Four ounces thereof.
Surge is symbolized by date palm liquor, which we should get used to because, as date palms are a fine product of Mesopotamia, we will be drinking it for the next hundred years. Of course if it’s not readily available, I’d recommend Creme de Cassis as a reasonable substitute.
And a dash of bitters. For you-know-who. Hey, you might say, why are bitters underrepresented? I love questions that answer themselves.
Garnish with a cocktail onion and a raisin. The cocktail onion is Dubya’s undersized and acephalic brain, while the raisin represents Dick Cheney’s shriveled, wrinkled heart.
Just like the Paultard said on that sign. “Read Atlas Shrugged”. Then drink ATLAS CHUGGED:
Fill highball glass nearly to top with Everclear (kills the pain of actually reading the book.) Float a shot of Green or Gold Listerine on the top (symbolizes money), garnish with a cocktail onion. For a Galt’s Torch, skip the Listerine and flame the thing, then gulp while burning.
Oh, you guys wanted a “Wonkettini”? Not sure about that one, perhaps vodka spiked Kool-Aid with a sprig of rue (bitter as fuck!) for garnish?
4 oz Anchor Junipero Gin http://www.anchorbrewing.com/about_us/junipero.htm (for San Francisco Values)
Splash of Grenadine (for pink tinge)
3 drops Orange Bitters (tart, but fruity)
Garnish with Gherkin and 2 Colossal Olives
optional: float of Hydrochloric Acid
weirdiowasculpture: You know, there’s a premixed Budweiser/Clamato product these days which pretty much fits the bill. http://www.boozingear.com/blog/2008/01/14/budweiser-clamato-chelada-and-bud-light-clamato-chelada-arrive-nationwide/
It even has the right color! I dunno about you people, but I plan on sampling the mystique this payday…
An appletini, followed by ass-fucking?
Give me a scotch, a backup scotch and a boiler scotch. That’s a shot of scotch floating in a bigger glass of scotch. Now scotch me scotch face!
“Coke coke”
Coca Cola + cocaine
(mixed in a Dora the explorer sippy cup)
An empty martini glass, a can of Sparks, and a shot of bitters poured onto the bar, and probably a straw to slurp the bitters off the bar with, because if you ordered this drink you are desperate for alcohol
Something involving 18 year old Macallen and Diet Mountain Dew. And hold teh bitterz (they need it so badly).
Something centrist, neither too spicy nor too elitest. How about a white wine (from a box) with 7 Up? And an umbrella and slice of Hawai’ian pineapple? Oh, and a straw…definitely a straw.
3 parts Pimm’s Cup No. 6
1 part Red Bull
drops of Peychaud’s bitters (substitute entirely for Red Bull, if from requisite “flyover country” state)
Garnish with Fruit by the Foot mini feet Berry Wave shavings (in deference to teh gayz GOP)
Optional legendary rare ingredient: tears of Sarah Maria Santorum
The Wonkettini: Anything you want, half price, only available before 10 am.
The Wonkettini is a simple blend of a few classic but obscure ingredients combined in a surprising way:
In a shaker of ice, combine equal parts white port and sloe gin with a dash of Angostura bitters. Serve in a chilled martini glass and garnish with Sichuan peppercorns.
This is a subject for heavy contemplation and empirical trial and error. I’ll get back with you sometime next year. Or tomorrow if I use Wikipedia.
The Wonkettini is just three strawberry daquiris from TGIFridays.
In martini shaker:
4 ounces Vodka
1 ounces Chambord
Splash Triple Sec
Add one Hershey’s Kiss (mood leveler)
Always stirred, never shaken.
A Wonkettini would just be Everclear and vermouth, with an olive.
Paultard and Hillbot tears should be in there somewhere
Drizzle a little chocolate liqueur (dark chocolate if possible)around the inside of a chilled martini glass.
In a mixing glass:
scoop ice,
a nice long shot of premium vodka
(I recommend Stoli, it isn’t trendy,
but it’s nice and I like it - but use your own favourite),
a two-count of Cointreau
and a nice dash of berry liquour.
shake and strain into the chocolate-drizzled martini glass.
Finish with a sprinkle of fresh coconut and gaily decorate with a teeny little American flag skewered through a fat cherry.
Should taste roughly like a boozy cherry-ripe.
Call it the Cherry Wonkette
It is a premium drink and you can sell it for like 12 bucks, plus patriotic people will be obligated to try it when they see the nifty flag.
P.S. pick me and Wonkette can have the gift certificate, I live in Australia!
Wonkettini:
2 oz bourbon whiskey
2 dashes bitters
1/4 cup water
1 oz club soda
2 tsp powdered sugar
1 tsp instant coffee
Ice
Dissolve the instant coffee in the water in an old-fashioned glass. Gradually stir in the sugar, the bitters and the bourbon whiskey and pour into a shaker with the ice. Shake like a bitch and pour into a wonkettini glass. Top with club soda and garnish with a maraschino cherry and a slice of orange. Serve, drink 6-7, wake up next to your sister…. again.
2 parts Bombay Sapphire Gin (A whitey’s liquor marketed by an elitist Black Man)
1 part Nocello Walnut Liquor (For Walnutz)
2 dashes of bitters (Where’d wonkette be without the bitters)
2 Maraschino cherries tied together at the stems, hanging from the rim (For the truck nutz)
Will the Wonkettini get me buttsecks?
The Wonkettini
1 1/2 oz Kentucky Gentleman
1 1/2 oz Bacardi 151
Fill rest with coke.
Garnish with dash of grenadine, cherry.
Say goodbye to those around you.
I have two options:
First, my personal preference:
The Wonkettermaker:
1 glass cold, cheap American beer, filled 3/4 of the way up to the top (preferably the Miller Lite we all drank in College, to our collective shame. Better yet, Natural Lite would work her as well)
1 shot glass FULL of Maker’s Mark bourbon (as elitists, we now drink this because gloppy candle wax denotes quality)
Dump shot in beer. Chug like a pledge. Repeat repeatedly.
The Wonkettini:
2 parts bourbon (really, bourbon is America’s one great contribution to world cuisine, along with the Hot Pocket)
1 part Grand Marnier
1/2 tsp sugar,
Two shakes of bitters
Muddle sugar and bitters in bottom of martini glass
pour bourbon and absinthe over ice, shake, serve up.
Garnish with a cherry (because cherries are bourbon’s long lost soul mate.
Left fist: a can of Tab (circa 1985)
Right fist: a bottle of vodka (preferably Popov)
Alternate.
how about a thoroughlygoodtini?:
Well I ain’t seen my baby since I don’t know when,
I’ve been drinking bourbon, whiskey, scotch and gin
Gonna get high man I’m gonna get loose,
Need me a triple shot of that juice
Gonna get drunk don’t you have no fear
I want one bourbon, one scotch and one beer
One bourbon, one scotch, one beer
YO… CHECK IT - this will tear your face off.
1 can Red Bull
1 shot Silver Patron tequila
1 shot Lucid absinthe
Cointreau floater
Garnish with a lime wedge
Drink with a straw from the bottom up, immediately fall on the ground and die. Repeat.
Any of these recipes, with half a jigger of Fernet Branca (so it tastes like ass).
Herbal_T: That sounds like something Tom Waits would write a song about.
I’m sorry, but I can’t joke about alcohol. The subject is too vital.
I think these are pretty good:
ANDELUSION (the ingredients are from Andalusia in Spain)
1 part good Spanish brandy (Carlos I, Cardenal Mendoza)
1 part dry, brown sherry (Amontillado is best, but options include Palo Cortado and Oloroso — make sure it’s dry)
dash of orange bitters
agitate with ice and strain into a frozen martini glass.
LUCID
1 part decent, dry gin (Plymouth, Old Raj, Tanqueray — skip the mod, sweetened brands like Sapphire, Tanqueray 10 etc.)
1 part late harvest rosé from Anjou. These are rare, but at least two producers make them: Agnes and René Mosse and Mark Angeli of Domaine Sansonniere. If you can’t find these, use the best white Zinfandel you can find (Buehler is fine), or don’t bother. DON’T settle for “Rosé d’Anjou” which is industrial crap.
This drink requires no garnish, just make it blistering cold and watch the pretty color. The flavors can’t be described but they will tend to arouse an aesthetic trance that will slowly, deliberately lead to over-consumption. Lucid inebriation.
The Wonkettini (formerly “The Sad Cow” ) :
* 2 cups Cazadores Tequila Blanco
* Elegant splash of fresh lime ( 2 oz)
* 1/2 cup Club soda
* 10 cups of Mark Penn’s breast milk
The dreamstate does not come with the White Zin substitution, but it tastes fine enough. The type of wine you want is “Rosé d’un Jour.”
(I’m new. No preview option?)
skroocap: The dreamstate does not come with the White Zin substitution, but it tastes fine enough. The type of wine you want is “Rosé d’un Jour.”
(I’m new. No preview option?)
3 parts Gin and a glance at a pair of truck nutz. This was CHurchill’s martini right down to the truck nutz.
Ohh, Our Lady of the Immaculate Concoction
forgive them for they know not what the drink.
try my “Political Suicide”
sour grape kool-aid
southern comfort
bitters
garnish with pretty distracting umbrella
Obviously, the Wonkettini should be both HOT and DIRTY. Drink a few of these and you’ll know what it means to be an intern waking up hung over in a Senator’s bed.
6 parts pepper vodka
1 part dry vermouth
1 teaspoon olive brine
Olive stuffed with pickled jalapeño pepper
Combine liquid ingredients in a cocktail shaker with cracked ice and shake well. Strain into a chilled cocktail glass and garnish with olive.
1 1/2 oz vodka
1/4 oz Chambord® raspberry liqueur
1/4 oz fresh pineapple juice
1 twist lemon peel
Pour each of the above into a tall bar glass. Shake with ice, pour into a cocktail or martini glass, and serve
It sounds mighty girly, and is all pink and bubbly, but all my man-friends call this “the blackout drink.” It will f*#k you up.
Wouldn’t a bottle of tequila with a straw suffice?
Chai (for the hipster douchebags)
Vodka (for the bitters)
Honey (for the women)
Cinnamon (for the color)
Ice
They should also make an Obamatini - a collection of unspecified ingredients that the bartender tosses in at random, and everybody will call you a racist asshole if you don’t pretend to like it.
I wanted to have bitters for obvious reasons and tequila for that what the hell happened last night possibility. The kind of drink that would make gay bashing conservative feel experimental, ala Larry Craig. I give you the Wonkettini.
1 1/2 oz of Tequila
1 tsp White Creme de Cacao
1/2 oz Lemon Juice
1 dash Bitters
1 tsp Grenadine
Enjoy.
Okay, the Wonkettini comes in two portions:
For the “regular”, put a dash of bitters in the bottom of a cocktail glass. Pour 2oz of vodka over ice, shake, and pour on the bitters. Bitter mixed up with booze–the standard commenter.
On the side, pour the “troll” (aka the “Paultard”). This is a 1oz shot of 151 proof rum.
To serve, set both in front of the customer, light the troll on fire and pour in among the regulars.
Here’s something that looks past the same old political divisions to Unite both the bitters (represented by bitters) and the elitists (represented by Cognac):
Ingredients:
2 oz Brandy or Cognac
1/4 tsp Sugar syrup
2 dashes Bitters
1 twist of Lemon peel
Stir all ingredients (except lemon peel) with ice and strain into a cocktail glass. Add the twist of lemon peel and serve.
I wish I lived anywhere near DC to care about winning a $50 bar tab, but I am deep in the land of red-states. I would highly recommend a glass of Templeton Rye with a splash of Lemoncello and garnished with a set of KeyNutz - the keyring version of TruckNutz.
Of course you could also try my favorite Wonkette live-blog drink: 5 shots of Old Smuggler Scotch and a can of Diet Dr. Pepper. Cheap and mighty effective. Also has a tendency to induce rage, ranting, and violence directed towards TV pundits.
skroocap: Screw you, Bombay Sapphire is awesome!
Berkcd: that actually sounds pretty good. the drink, i mean, not the incest.
Okay, here’s the perfect mix for this election season:
1 12-oz. can frozen pink lemonade (pink symbolizing the bright, hope-filled future. Also, duh, teh gehz)
1 12-oz. bottle of cheap beer (symbolizing the bitterness of pretty-much every. fucking. whiny-ass. American. Also a nod to Cougar Trollop McCain)
1 bottle of the cheapest vodka available (I’d suggest Dark Eyes or Popov) (not terribly symbolic because, hey, it’s just there to get you flat-out drunk)
Pour frozen lemonade into a pitcher. Fill empty lemonade canister with vodka and add to pitcher. Pour beer into pitcher. Stir. Add a sprig of mint as a nod to the Green Party. Serve over ice (or just drink it as is). Imbibe. Repeat until you can’t feel your lips.
a pint of jim beam.
the wonkettini
3 oz. hendricks gin
1/2 oz. lime juice (preferably fresh so it doesn’t have the extra sugar, but rose’s will work)
shake and pour
finish with a splash of soda
hendricks because i think we can all admit we’re elitists
no bitters because we should also be able to admit we not so secretly hate the bitters
(and because they’d ruin the drink, just like the country)
this drink is arrogant, gets you drunk, and will make terribly sad things seem funny, just like wonkette
The Wonkettini:
6 parts gin, any old kind, which should be kept in the freezer
1 part Martini & Rossi vermouth, kept in the fridge
Pour over ice in a shaker, and shake just a little–everything’s already cold.
Pour into a martini glass, add an olive or a twist of lemon peel.
Strict constructionists will recognize this as…a martini, the way it should be prepared. Whatever differs from this, to the extent of the difference, is no martini. It seemed prudent to re-state this, in a world of green-apple-tinis and chocolate “martinis” and other abominations.
V572625694: You know what I hate? Those “dry martini” bastards who ignore the vermouth altogether. It’s not a cocktail if you’re just drinking straight gin out of a nice glass. Sheesh.
The Wonkettini:
Muddle 1/2 lime in a mixing tin
Add ice, pour 4 oz. Bulleit bourbon over ice
Add 1/2 oz. Maple syrup
Shake and strain into a martini glass.
Garnish with a cherry
Okay, I think it’s about time we quit it with these fancy pants elitist/terrorist drinks.
Chivas Regal on the rocks, topped off with equal parts Pelligrino and Lime Juice.
Done. It takes about 4 seconds to make that drink as opposed to the hours of labor required for some of these others, plus it will get you Truck Nutz’d way more better-er than any of the rest.
jagorev: I subscribe to to the Winston Churchill method of martini making. I look towards France and pass the vermouth bottle over the gin.