Wonkette
According to a new book from the Racist New Yorker’s Jane Mayer, Dick Cheney became the leading hawk in the White House after 9/11 because he thought the terrorists had successfully poisoned him with anthrax: “On Oct. 18, 2001, a White House alarm went off indicating that sensors had detected dangerous levels of radioactive, chemical or biological agents. According to Mayer, anyone who had entered the White House situation room, including Cheney, had been exposed. ‘They thought Cheney was already lethally infected,’ said a former administration officer who had kept the White House secret until now, according to the book.” Seven years after the scare, and hypochondriac Dick Cheney still cannot defeat each individual Muslim germ that he pretends is killing him. [ABC News]
SCHIZO
Why doesn’t this surprise me in the least?
Wonkette eds need to get some agreement on the spelling of Mayer/Meyer. (s/b Mayer, BTW)
/Unfrozen Caveman Spellcheck (Now, New Yorker Certified!)
What a pussy. A lethal pussy, but a pussy!
Damn anthrax terrorist, can’t even complete a simple assignment.
Oops, I’ve said too much…
Lascauxcaveman: Why don’t you just wave your fancy high school diploma in my face a little longer, while you’re at it?
Oh Jim, you don’t know the half of it.
Cheney honed his psychosis during his Nixon years.
But long before that, he became suspicious of everyone, when his former mentor, Obi Wan, tried to kill him in the lava fields.
So it was false alarm. Does anything in the Bush White House work correctly?
‘They thought Cheney was already lethally infected,’
All who were in the situation room at the time called and implored Mayer to change the word “hoped” to “thought”. Two suicides and one self-induced coma later, the author chose to comply with the request. Ironically, Mayer is currently hiding in my bamboo garden.
Cheney is a zombie movie hero waiting to happen.
“Sir! You shot him in the face!”
“He was already infected…”
doesnt surprise me either…the entire administration is full of raving paranoiacs…
chances are Cheney will die from being hit in the head with a golf ball…well, or maybe a club….
Well that explains why Cheney so diligently pursued the anthrax mailer. Oh, wait.
Shame on him for not duct taping all the windows and making a ’safe’ room like everyone in Indianapolis did. This is the cornerstone to good ‘merican fear politics. Especially when you’ve just bought a boatload of cheap 3M options
One neat trick is to have a D.C. radio station dedicate a certain song to Cheney: “The Enemy” by Anthrax.
He goes bonkers. Starts yelling at Dybya. Bombs a couple of countries.
“They thought Cheney was already lethally infected”
He was.
Only a bloodless, lifeless, soulless zombie could possibly behave as Cheney does.
The anthrax spores, which can survive years in harsh conditions that would kill all other microbes, immedaitely perished on contact with Cheney
I’m sorry everybody, but I think this is a chicken v. egg question… I’m not sure it answers anything.
Paultardville: the paper shredders
Cheney’s muslim hypochondria was an inside job!!!
JEWS DID LETHAL INFECTION!!!
/paultard
Between the anthrax and the heart attacks, does this mean that Cheney is the Rasputin of the new Millenium? And, if so, when can we look forward to the arresting and overthrowing of the government?
The Planned Parenthood I worked at got three separate anthrax scare letters in the two months after 9/11. Our office manager ended up having to open mail in a room not connected to the main ventilation system, wearing protective gloves and a mask.
This must explain why I have an overwhelming urge to bomb Iran. Weird!
Hey Dickhead.You got scared for a while there didn’t you? Now you know how we feel about you being one life away from the presidency.
Could this explain his unquenchable thirst for baby’s blood?
WhatTheHeck: No, no, the problem was when Yahweh asked him to cut the throat of his only son Isaac.
Gopherit v2.0:
Pre existing condition.
And this is why he will go down as America’s Finest Vice President.
I’m waiting for the book to come out that admits that when he’s out of the view of the press, Cheney wears a Darth Vader suit, to fend off Anthrax and intimidate the rest of the executive branch. It does explain what one would keep in a man sized safe.
Above a certain level, all public officials should expect to be targets, and still not let the fear effect their judgement. When Truman was VP during WWII, he had only one secret service man that he routinely ditched. Are we all less safe because of this old fool’s cowardice?
… a White House alarm went off indicating that sensors had detected dangerous levels of radioactive, chemical or biological agents.
That seems a little nonspecific. What kind of sensors are these, that can somehow detect any sort of “dangerous levels of radioactive, chemical or biological agents”?
My suspicion is that they just hired my dog, who will bark at any threat, e.g. kids on bicycles, mailman, squirrel, bird calls, acorns, oxygen …
Cheney is at the bottom of the barrel of the bucket of warm piss that is the Vice Presidency.
graceless: Cheney was a chicken. He laid an egg, just like Ralphie Wiggum.
LOOK OUT FOR CHENEY’S POST-VEEP TERRORIST ASSFUCKING RAMPAGE
On sale January 21.
shortsshortsshorts: White Assfucking Sales are normally held in February, if I remember correctly. Speaking of which, where the fuck is AngryBlakGuy?
Anyone else reminding of the scene from “Eric the Viking” when tim robbins was running around thinking he was invisible?
bitchincamaro: You can blame police brutality for our lack of novelty black-guy today.
shortsshortsshorts: snrfff. O.K. Time out for Rachel trying to fill in for Keith who is prolly with AngryBlakGuy in the hoozgow right now.
Every American knows Cheney spents his down time in the Nixon adnimistration building up an immunity to anthrax. I just wonder when this administration will do something that is actually related to the war in Iraq.
problemwithcaring: Uh, they did. Nine GI’s got killed in Afghanastan yesterday.
Hehe. His name is Dick.
loquaciousmusic: I see you are raising the level of discourse on this here Wonkette, as always.
Obviously, not lethally enough.
So, after 5 draft deferments, Dick got scared from a little powdered sugar.
Rename the “Twinkie defense” to “Tweeney defense.”
Apply just like “9/11.” Dick Cheney, from 2004:
http://edition.cnn.com/2004/ALLPOLITICS/10/05/debate.transcript3/index.html
“I’m absolutely convinced that the threat we face now, the idea of a terrorist in the middle of one of our cities with powdered sugar, is very real and that we have to use extraordinary measures to deal with it.
I feel very strongly that the significance of powdered sugar cannot be underestimated. It forces us to think in new ways about strategy, about national security, about how we structure our forces and about how we use U.S. military power.
Some people say we should wait until we are attacked before we use force. I would argue we’ve already been attacked. We lost more people to powdered sugar, than we lost at Pearl Harbor. And I’m a very strong advocate of a very aggressive policy of going after the terrorists and those who support terror.
Darehead: Allah Sugar.
tunamelt: Hehe. You can raise my discourse anytime, Tuna.
Darehead: High Fructose Terrorist Powder.
shortsshortsshorts: So basically, anthrax is what is making America fat…?
loquaciousmusic: Haha. Wonkette after dark.
Darth Cheeney? Insane LONG before the anthrax ever came into the picture…
I’m sure that before the anthrax scare he was the compassionate, even-handed voice of peaceful resolution in the White House.
Ann Thrax vs. Ann Coulter: which is scarier?
and all for the want of real anthrax, alas
tunamelt: I guess we can all go to the Castle Anthrax for the oral sex before being bombed out of existence.
lucky dube, peter tosh, and bob marley die young, but
dick face hangs in.
who plans that shit?
JeremiasX:
OK…OK
Soon to be revealed: Chainy did in fact die from inhalational anthrax, and was replaced by a smirking cretin as part of an elaborate ruse.
gliberal: He has such a generic, imitable mug, this sounds entirely plausible.
This story is so patently unbelievable that I wonder why Mayer even bought it. Then I remembered this is Dick Cheney we’re dealing with. Everybody in the WH is either so scared of him or such a toady (any dissenters having been shipped off to Nigeria years ago) that they’ll tell any story to paint their boss as vaguely human. And yet this is the best they could come up with.
Sure, between 9/11 and 10/18, while he was pushing for invading Iraq, telling Justice and the military and the CIA that the gloves were off, he was perfectly rational and not prone to authoritarianism at all. Only when it struck him personally did he decide to make Vlad the Impaler blush. That’s so sweet — just like Lance Armstrong raising money for testicular cancer. I really just wanna hug him and thank him right now.
Okay, come back next week when we present “Kissinger: A Few Bombloads Short of Brilliant” on VH-1’s Behind the Imperialism.
Cheney is a psycho because he’s a Republican. If he weren’t he would have been kicked out of the Party long ago. The Republican Party does not accept normal people as members. They all have to have some sort of mental disorder. Cheney’s is being a psycho (Bush’s is the fact that he’s a retard.)
SayItWithWookies: Are we sure that Jane bought it, or if she is just reporting that Dick believed it, or anyway that Dick made up the story in hopes others believe it, but which still doesn’t prove that Jane herself believed it, or is this just me, cuz I so loved Jane’s reporting on torture in the New Yorker, that I simply don’t want to believe that she believed it, I mean him, Dick? But then I haven’t bought it yet. The book, that is.
So close.
This is exactly why I change the batteries and press the “TEST” button on ALL of my Antrax detectors at least twice a year.
Darehead:
“The Dark Side” claims that former White House legal counsel and later attorney general Alberto Gonzales confided to colleagues that he agreed with administration lawyers who claimed the tactics were torture and illegal.
Hook, line and sinker.
I hope you’re right, honestly. But it’s a little sliver of hope. Thin enough to slip between Bill Kristol’s nose and Dubya’s ass.
bitchincamaro: “Speaking of which, where the fuck is AngryBlakGuy?”
Run off with Tits_LaRue? Maybe in that bunker she bragged about …..
WonkaBee: Yeah, and Tits and I were engaged, goddammit!
I checked Google maps again today. White House, totally in the clear (although I think they ’shopped the AA installations that used to be blurry). Naval Observatory (VP residence), pixilated.
That’s my standard as to whether the next VP is a useless prick or not. Does he allow Google to show a freakin’ low-res picture of his house (which is totally pinpointed in the DC real estate files).
What they still aren’t admitting is that they had to get rid of those sensors because the dangerous level of radioactive, chemical and biological agents it was reacting to turned out to be Cheney’s diseased carcase.
Dick Cheney has a profile on http://www.millionairematchmaker.com. I heard that Dick has met several impressionable young bachelorettes on the site. Try it yourself and see! Or for more discriminating palettes also try http://www.billionairematchmaker.com.
Just because Dick is paranoid and their is white powder on his nose, doesn’t mean that it is Anthrax.
You know, given that Cheney has to have his heart restarted every 687 days, I would think that he is used to being on death’s door, with the cold claws of Lucifer dragging him down.
Born that way? Asholeberger’s Syndrome. Unable to feel pain; can only inflict it.
Darehead: Runaway bride!!
er, runaway fiancée
Does this make you the prime suspect in her disappearance!?
So, Baron Harkonnen lived to fight another day, Huh?
I could totally see Cheney floating around in a suspensor belt,
WonkaBee: I got nuttin’ to do with it. I didn’t even know Tits had tits or a dick, not that it matters anymore. I think s/he ran off with Ronald Pagan.
I feel sorry for the anthrax.