Wonkette
It’s time to stop with all this “John McCain is from the 18th Century” nonsense, because the GOP nominee-to-be has now seen a computer and is quickly catching up with all the exciting technological developments of the past 45 years.
McCain was asked by the New York Times if he actually looked at websites. He said his staffers showed him things on the computer, such as Drudge Report and Politico. His wife then yelled at him, during the interview, because he didn’t mention his daughter Meghan’s weird blog.
Asked if he could actually make the computer show him a website, McCain said:
They go on for me. I am learning to get online myself, and I will have that down fairly soon, getting on myself.
Note that this is 2008, and “getting online” consists of simply looking at a computer, because computers are online all the time — we are a decade or so past the era of setting up the computer to make a phone call through a modem.
But let’s be positive and applaud John McCain’s brave efforts to learn to get online, all by himself, “fairly soon.” Then he can start surfin’ for PR0N.
The Times Interviews John McCain [NYT]
John McCain Goes Online [Politico]
Reps hate WALNUTS so much that he is forced to getiton with himself?
Damn.
Everyone looks at the porn stuff first. Isn’t that right? No? Well, I didn’t mean me. The very first place I went was a high class political blog, for all of the latest information needed to make me a more informed voter. Honest…then the porn stuff.
Just wait until he finds the websites that show all those hot naked ankles. Everyone watch, see if he starts pointing with his left hand due to mouse fatigue.
He also said:
“…the communications that I have with my friends and staff are oral”
Look, we don’t need a president who understands The Tubes. It’s more of a fad.
When he does finally learn teh Google, the whole meaning of “Internet Tools” will have to be rewritten…
How many derivations of “getting on myself” sex jokes can we make in the comments section? I’m guessing at least 69.
My 89 year old grandfather surfs the web all day and has been doing so, and unfortunately, forwarding bad jokes and internet rumors, for about 8 years. He is not typically on the vanguard of technological breakthroughs, and even has my cousin program his VCR. John McCain truly must be 400 years old.
Maybe Juan and Ted Stevens can send messages to each other using the AOL Portal. I hear portals are the next big thing on The Information Superhighway.
Okay, okay. He’s got 6 months to understatnd the “Any Key” joke. Oh yeah, and the one about the drink holder. Who’s sending him the “I’m Looking at Gay Pron!” email?
Has he found the “any” key yet?
“They go on for me.”
“My staff, they’ve hooked the Internets up to a clapper gizmo.”
He will become . . . a MASTER OF THE INTERNET
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vEAkChFGhVI
He can’t wait to start emailing with his new Prodigy account. And he just got a CD in the mail that’s giving him 100 free AOL hours… mad hot, yo.
MoodProcessor: I don’t know about the gay pron, but I do think it’s high time somebody lobbied McCain on behalf of a certain deposed, Nigerian Prince.
…but seriously, they sold America’s Beer Company to the Belgians. Shouldn’t someone be asking Cindy about this important development? I, for one, want to know if Bud will be just a little less like potty water now! Let’s focus on what’s important!
I’m sure McCain has looked at Lemon Party with Lieberman.
May I just say, “You’ve Got Mail” was one of the WORST movies ever?
Once he finds Craig’s List, he’ll dump Cindy. And buy a sofa while he’s at it.
Poor Walnuts! Maybe he can become President of the Island of the Analog?
Nasara: When you are McCain’s age “getting on myself” refers to “in years,” not sex. So, at least he’s still self aware.
notice he didn’t mention needing any help getting off…
He needs a little machine that is dedicated just to the surfing of the interwebs and the viewing of the e-mails, with giant, pictographic buttons! Just like my Gramma!
First stop: Discounted “boner meds” from Canada.
Servo: WALNUTS has no need for boner meds. Historically he takes it in the ass from the party that finally crowned him.
MoodProcessor: Rats.
And hey wait a minute — does this mean McCain was fibbing when he said he was aware of the internets before?
Hey, don’t laugh at Walnuts. It is darn difficult forcing a Babbage Difference Engine Beta 2 online using Windows Vista.
His staff’s first stops are Drudge and Politico? Little wonder the campaign is a trainwreck.
shortsshortsshorts:
Crown? Shit! All this time I thought those were cobwebs on his noggin.
Have we ever decided collectively as to whether or not Meghan or her blog deserve any whore diamonds?
shortsshortsshorts:
And what kind of republican is he anyway? Larry Craig didn’t need any fancy intertubes to get hooked up. Don’t these guys share information?
DEAR SIR:
I GOT YOUR CONTACT FROM A CONFIDENTIAL SOURCE THAT
INFORMED ME YOU HAVE THE CAPABILITY OF TRANSACTING A
BUSINESS OF THIS GREAT MAGNITUDE.
I WISH TO INTRODUCE MYSELF TO YOU. I AM JOHN MCCAIN,
REPUBLICAN CANDIDATE FOR THE GREAT UNITED STATES OF
AMERICA. WHILE I WAS A POW IN DURING THE WAR IN THE
COUNTRY OF VIETNAM, WHERE I WAS TORTURED, I WAS
ENTRUSTED WITH A LARGE SUM OF U.S. DOLLARS BY MY
CAPTORS. I HAVE RECEIVED WORD THAT THEY WERE KILLED AND
THAT THEIR ASSETS ARE BEING SEIZED.
THIS MONEY IS NOT SAFE WHERE IT IS KEPT ANY MORE
BECAUSE THERE ARE INDICATIONS THAT MY TROLLOP WIFE
IS SPENDING IT ON BOTOX AND OXYCONTIN. THAT IS WHY
I AM SOLICITING YOUR ASSISTANCE AND COOPERATION AS
REGARDS THIS BUSINESS. ARRANGEMENTS HAVE BEEN CONCLUDED
WITH A SECURITY COMPANY THAT HAS
FOREIGN OFFICE IN ARIZONA TO RECEIVE THE MONEY IN CASH,
DEPENDING ON WHERE IS CONVENIENT FOR YOU.
PLEASE INDICATE YOUR WILLINGNESS TO ASSIST ME BY
SENDING TO ME THE FOLLOWING AS THE BENEFICIARY
INFORMATION; BENEFICIARY’S NAME, ADDRESS AND YOUR
PRIVATE PHONE AND FAX NUMBERS SO THAT I CAN CONTACT
YOU AND COMMENCE THE TRANSACTION IN EARNEST. I
AM WAITING TO HEAR FROM YOU VERY SOON.
BEST REGARDS.
JOHN S. MCCAIN
His staff is writing for Drudge and Politico.
what’s next? pong? pacman? a hearing aid?
Wait ’til he realizes me must first master the art of the punch card before he is granted full digital access. He’s gonna’ be super pissed.
tsunami: No Pong — he’s skipping straight to Space Invaders. ‘Cause that’s the kind of maverick he is.
SayItWithWookies:
I am aware of the moon. I am aware of Rocky Mountain Oysters. I am aware of gay pron.
I have not visited, eaten or utilized (use these actions in any order with respect to the subject matter for comic appeal) any of these. Though I am aware of their existence.
John McCain may be aware of peace as well, though I can not speak for his support thereof.
4tehlulz: 1,000,000 whore diamonds.
Stop mocking McCain. Do you know how hard it is to find the floppy disk, put it in the drive, boot his TRS 80, and then put the phone in the cups so that he can dial up?
And you know by “Drudge and Politico” they mean “Two Girls and a Cup.” Although it can be hard to tell them apart.
masterdebater: McCain still uses the hand gestures, but those don’t exist on the interwebs. In this instance he is merely trying to outdo Craig, with “digital” hand gestures.
4tehlulz: Yes, 10^20 whore diamonds, indeed. Also, coffee..out nose…I coulda died! I’ve been …coffee-boarded!
John McCain will drag America, kicking and screaming, into the twentieth century. Yes, that’s backwards from the twenty-first.
Does he know who all his base are belong to yet?
TGY: By “coffee”, we assume you mean “Bailey’s”.
SayItWithWookies: You mean he skipped right over Asteroids? That is newsworthy!
superfecta: Don’t think he’s aware of that tradition.
bitchincamaro: I wish. No, alas, I am sober here and working hard. Really!
Also, it’s Bastille day, so I shall drink something French like Gray Goose (distilled in Cognac and brewed from one-hundred-percent French wheat). So, you know,
Allons enfants de la Patrie,
Le jour de gloire est arrive!
well, someone’s gotta say it: do we know if he is aware of all internet traditions yet? And what about that guy who thinks MI5 is spying on him? then the porn.
maybe they can trick him into using the computer by disguising it as telegraph machine… “just move the morse key around there senator.”
Walnuts is still amazed at the odds that he’d be the 1,000,000th visitor to the very first website he visited, and that they want to give him a free iPod.
You know next week, he’ll retract these statements, claiming to have always been an expert on the World’s Wide Webs. He’ll just say he’s old school, and prefers to get his porn from Chuck Berry’s secret toilet cam stash.
You know he’ll retract these statements next week, claiming he was always an expert at the “World’s Wide Web”. He’ll just say he’s old school, and prefers to get his porn from Chuck Berry’s secret toilet cam stash.
Where is he going to get his CHE.AP CIALI$ from if he isn’t on the e-mail?
He’s got all the porn he needs on reel-to-reel.
Lionel Hutz Esq.:
Ah, the memories.
The Real JR Revisted: Hopefully he’ll spend all day playing MadMaze and end up dropping out of the campaign because of it.
Soon, John McCain will be aware of LOLcats.
American voters find it important that Obama be able to bowl a strike.
They find it important the Hil can down a shot of whiskey.
But that McCain can utilize the fundamental piece of modern communication, workflow and productivity that hundreds of millions of people use every day? Who needs it?
Between the speedy Z88 processor, the 5-inch floppies, and that CP/M operating system, Johnnie will be command lining on ARPANET in no time
I soooo wanna show him USENET and the alt.binaries. No one would hear from him for months.
My Pop-Pop totally had a Compuserve account like, the minute they were available. He loved writing angry letters to the editor and having them delivered instantly.
Snark off: how the hell does one learn to get online? Turn on computer, open IE. END OF LEARNING.
It sounds like the RNC isn’t going to have to worry about “accidently” deleting McCain’s e-mail for a long time to come.
4tehlulz: Thanks for that, I mean it.
Not having been around the good Senator, I’d still be willing to wager every time he says “email”, it is preceded by the article “the”.
I guess it’s a good thing to have 2 magic titties next to each other.
4tehlulz: brilliant, but not enough pleading or personal plights beeging for help
TGY: As sure as Bob’s your oncle.