Wonkette
What dark human vice was engaged herein, June 12, 2008, among Wonketteers and thine ilk?
HEY-O!
Aye. Before welcoming Ron Paul’s veritable plethora of elitist followers to Washington D.C. for their rally, your Wonkette visited that fine Capitol Hill establishment, the Tune Inn, to imbibe at 9:30 a.m. We had about 15-20 Great Humans show up, meaning another 15-20 RSVPed and SLEPT INSTEAD, meaning they didn’t get free alcohol or egg sandwiches. Wonkette proprietor Ken Layne paid for all of this, although he couldn’t be in attendance, because he has tuberculosis and also lives in some fake death tundra in California. Wonkette videographer Liz “Polaroid” Glover also announced last minute (a.k.a. the first time she was asked) that she wouldn’t be able to make it. Yours truly knew this the night before but didn’t tell anyone, because then no one would have shown up. Like Barack Obama, we are moving to the Center with our lies.
Cue the Reservoir Dogs music and slow-motion:
But that was later, when we were all various stages of “hammered.”
Our eclectic group included a lawyer, a “corporate trade lobbyist,” a summer intern, a staffer for a very “important” Senator, an HIV researcher, a former Bush White House employee, a tree hugger, a Daily Kos commenter, Wonkette’s brother, and some kind of Mexican or other. We hesitate to mention that many of these ghosts revealed themselves to be Liberals over the course of our slurred conversation. By and large, however, these folks kept their terrible opinions to themselves and thank god for that.
Here are some shots of our fearless coterie:
Huzzah.
Here’s one of our bartenders, too, and her name is Kate. She, along with the white-bearded pirate guy, bartended quite thoroughly and earned themselves a 20% tip (for which Ken Layne also paid, although he doesn’t know it yet!)
We enjoyed “The Regulars” at the Tune Inn, such as this Dapper Dan.
Thank you to Wonkette tree-hugger operative “Noah” for making a series of signs, including this, the “gold standard” of Wonkette Calligraphy(TM).
Another lovely Wonketteer must know Barack Obama, because she speaks Arabic. She wrote “Truck Nutz” in Muslim on this sign. May Jesus have mercy on her soul.
Here we are after leaving the bar en route to the shire to meet the hobbits. Within minutes, your Wonkette Paultardpaloozians will sweat out all alcohol/liquid in their bodies because WASHINGTON IS A FUCKING FROG SWAMP IN THE SAHARA AND DEATH VALLEY COMBINED.
Drunk retards.
Front row signs. Thank you Dr. Paul for taking the photo!!!
Who’s that fucking insane person? No, not Uncle Sam with the phone; the one on the right! That’s David Weigel of libertarian fishwrapper Reason. Weigel unwittingly interviewed Wonkette’s brother, but Wonkette’s brother bravely “stayed in character” as commanded. We also met with Journalists from the Nation Journal’s Hotline — again, in character — and hopefully like 20 or 50 other newspapers.
At some point, we got so dehydrated that we morphed into heavy-set black fellows and napped on the ground.
After like seven minutes, we asked ourselves why the fuck we were at a Ron Paul Rally, and proceeded to Capitol Lounge to eat cheeseburgers and such things. We drank beer.
Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran…
Thank you to Wonkette operatives Nick, Hannah, Melanie, Taylor, and others for sending these fantastic photos after your Wonkette left its camera at home.
glad to see no one was felled by a crossbow…ya’ll are true patriots. obama/truck nutz ‘08!
wow. better than i could have possibly imagined. ya’ll look great. i’ll have to go through the photos again and again to try to identify you for my secret government database project, but don’t worry about that.
in that last photo, is some guy in the background protesting Tyvek(tm) Home Wrap? Or is he supporting it? you never can tell with those capitalist scientists who decided homes need to be wrapped for christmas.
Apparently I was more fucked up than I realized! Sweet!
Camel Nutz FTW.
Awesome. Wish I lived — erm, was visiting — in D.C. for this. I was there last July, too. Why couldn’t the Paultards make this an annual deal (starting last year)?
/remains shocked the 1st Paultardpalooza occurred on opening weekend for Hellboy 2
//would still take Paultards over Perry Ferrell &/or Ryan Schreiber (Pitchfork maven, not the Washington-area residents of same name); the “real” Lolla & Pitchfork fests are a blight on my fair midwest
you do all look good. who knew? i would easily have been the oldest person
there (a la the bartender). you’ll all get old too, if you’re lucky.
Yay, my eyes are closed and I looked drunk even before I started drinking!
Go us!
Wild photo story. The stand-out character was the ginger lad with the glasses. Photo No. 5: sitting on a stool all by himself, miserable face. Will someone join him? No. 6: Hurrah, a woman has rescued him. Will he cheer up? No. 9: depressed, even though he is doing shots. Everyone else in good mood. Continues to look miserable until second last photo. Possible smile evident. Last photo: back to typical whining America face. Vote McCain 08.
I’m sorry I didn’t go… but good on you for morphing into heavy set black fellows. Racial transcendence, gotta love it!
wheelie: That guy was a complete fucking douchebag.
Borat: Tyvek is polluting our bodily fluids.
That was me with the yellow tank-top on. Yeah so what if I’m a 9am regular. Ya gotta start your day somehow
How did you un-morph from fat black guys?
Where did all of the girls go in the last picture? Were they captured by Paultards and forced to pray to the Gold Standard?
graceless: It’s Darth Vader in reverse. Voice of James Earl Jones, but inside that suit — WOODY ALLEN.
/knows that Woody was not in Star Wars
//would have been great if he were
columnv: It was a complicated process, so let’s just say it involved a reverse gang-bang with the Singin’ Senators (though with Lindsay Graham replacing Jim Jeffords).
That red haired dude, the one Newell crowned a complete fucking douchebag, also looks like the one amongst you who be most likely to roll me for all I had in a Dungeons and Dragons square-off, the one most likely to have been picked up by a parent afterward and the one most likely to be hooked on some sort of stinky, oozy ear medicine. WEEZER ROOLZ!!!
ok, this is probably going to get me banned…but how many of yall are wearing crocs?….
.
wheelie: He looks like Beaker from the Muppet Show.
You went to a bar that doesn’t have pickled eggs? Fuckin’ elitists!
Two vices in one sitting…..booze and scratch lottery tickets.
What a primer. You arrived at the bar at 9:30, by 11:25 the shots are coming around.
Do I see NASCAR on the television? Jeee-zus!
Happy Fun Ball: Also the one most likely to have banning powers.
Anita Cocktail:
…on a failed Atkins diet.
Jim Newell: I can believe it! A face like a forlorn Dickensian chimney-sweep, only not as sunny.
y’all look fabulous…but didn’t you notice the devil people in your
group?
OK, maybe kate the bartender distracted you with boozwe, [i'd do her],
but how in hell did you miss the guy in the yellow hillary shirt?
how many of you did he “inexplicably” convert to paulism?
tell the truth.
See, I wondered about that right before I hit “Submit.” Sorry, Sir! Take it in the right spirit, though. If it makes you feel better, the medication I take for my ear condition is far worse and truth be told I’d win all my money back from you if we ever played Stratego.
And Weezer does rule.
anabellum: what a hoot.
crocs.
Needs more ass fucking.
tsunami: hopefully the joke is appreciated elsewhere….
Happy Fun Ball: Got my dungeon master’s guide/ got my twelve-sided die// In the garage, where I feel great/ no one cares about my weight
anabellum:
Aren’t those the sandals for people with toenail fungus, massive bunions, and hammertoes?
I know I just ruined somebody’s snack. Sorry.
anabellum: joke?
you were joking?
I am fucking CRYING laughing. Dayum!
tsunami: in the polite sense hon….ya see i is scared ta death that masser will find out what a dirty mouth dis her girl has….
Oh man, you guys fit right in with the Paultards… sorry. Oh, but you planned that, right?
But seriously folks, it looks like it was a lot of fun. Also, as a faggot, I can see there were quite a few hotties there. Yes I’m lowering the tone, but that’s what we do.
josereyes.theroof: Well played, You.
anabellum: just so no one is confused i actually talk like that…
I like to shout out loud and moon the crowd
while I’m dancin’ on the bar
then go out to the parking lot
and piss on all the cars
Oh, you outta go with me when I go out drinkin’
always have myself a real good time
That looks like a fine, reputable establishment.
Aw, you look like a fun group, wish I woulda been there! But I know there will be plenty more ridiculous rallies to crash in the future…. When is Naderpalooza?
seriously? that’s a dive bar?
Did anybody use their real world name?
oh and on another note: you all are totally adorable.
yes i said adorable.
this “photos” are obviously a sinister amalgamation of some left/right wing plot that will soon be the cover of The New Yorker. i couldn’t have drawn it better myself.
who are the sexy sexy individuals wearing Hillary shirts?!
tsunami: i think i like you…please dont hold it against me…
wheelie: yah, can i echo what wheelie said? thanks.
also, newell looks a lot more like auberon waugh than i thought he might. how very depressing to have missed this.
anabellum:
mutual…*bats eyelashes*…
burton judson: well, wheelie’s last comment, at least.
tsunami: LOL…
anabellum:
g’nite
tsunami:
I feel pretty,
Oh, so pretty,
I feel pretty and witty and bright!
And I pity
Any girl who isn’t me tonight.
I feel charming,
Oh, so charming
It’s alarming how charming I feel!
And so pretty
That I hardly can believe I’m real.
Yes! Black people! See, we really do love freedom. Jim, had you bought those guys a couple of Ben’s Chili Cheese Half Smokes after the speech, you would have had bodyguards for life.
It was so nice of you to send your body doubles out to the Paultardpalooza! There’s NO WAY that the Wonkette community looks that young and promising (and sober, for that matter).
anabellum:
I’ve grown accustomed to her face. She almost makes the day begin.
I’ve grown accustomed to the tune that she whistles night and noon.
Her smiles, her frowns, her ups, her downs are second nature to me now.
Like breathing out and breathing in. I was serenely independent and content before we met.
Surely I could always be that way again - and yet
I’ve grown accustomed to her looks, accustomed to her voice, accustomed to her face.
well…that took a while.
g’nite
That’s it…new avatar. Actual truck nutz from the streets of TX.
Do the Tyvek folks pay the Paultards for product placement?
I was expecting an older, more burnt out crowd from Wonkette. Oh well, another 30 years and y’all will look just like me.
Hillary for King of Puerto Rico?! At a Wonkette function? Were you guys nice to her?
The blanked out placard: Y-M-C-A.
All so drunk, yet all so shy.
My sign was going to read “Suck My Crank,” intended to be read as a scathing commentary of the dehumanizing influences of industrialization. Also as a way to demonstrate to the assembled hoochies that I am what is known as “fer realz…”
Happy Fun Ball: I have been a long-time fan. Not in on the ground floor, of course; I wasn’t old enough to go to clubs in L.A. back in ‘93, ‘94, when the band was starting out & looking to score a deal. But from “Buddy Holly”, onward, yes. & I still remember my naievete, thinking I would be lucky to score a copy of Pinkerton on first-day-of-sale, since I wouldn’t be able to get to Circuit City ’til after 6 p.m. Of course, when I got there, & asked how many copies had sold, the clerk answered, “Three”.
tsunami: i just saw your comment….and now im all ‘goosebumped’…
your Rex Harrison to my Natalie Wood…wow…
Wow here’s the second comment you’ll probably delete today. You fuckers don’t look ANY better than the “Paultards” you so brazenly BASH on this blog. I see fat, ugly, pimply, skanky miscreants drinking at the bar…I’m assuming that’s the “wonkette crew?” Probably so. Hurts, don’t it?
By the way if you ever are up for some REAL debate…come to Paltalk to “2WayStreetPolitics” in the Social Issues and Government section. See ya there.
http://www.paltalk.com
Even Paultards looks at Newell and say “Dude, get some sun”.
Dammit, I take a 2 week summer class and ignore all the blogs and ALL THE FUN STUFF HAPPENS. I could have so cleaned out Ken’s bank account at 9:30 am. I’m a very good morning alcoholic. (Evening too, but there’s something just special about starting out the day with drunk that opens up my hallow leg.) You all look great, except for that moment of extreme dehydration and sun damage. Not that there’s anything wrong with large black men, but it’s definitely not a good sign to suddenly become one before noon.
JeremiasX: I think they all look delicious. I don’t know what the fuck your problem is.
JeremiasX: You, sir, are an unabashed liar. I have not a pound of excess body fat, I am utterly adorable with no pimples, and I can only be described as skanky when I’m on the clock - I will, however, admit to being a miscreant. Indeed, my only defect is the unfortunate flushness brought upon by hearty consumption of alcohol. And the same can be said of all my companions, except for Jim, who is obviously a skank at all hours.
wheelie:There were! And I’m not just talking about me
If it wasn’t for the fact that the weather completely sapped me of all desire to do anything, I would have used Jim’s $5/tard reward to buy myself a new pair of jeans.
I. Love. Your. Signs.
Some of you guys should seriously hit the tanning bed.
JeremyassX: I think you should calm down. When we all collected fivers for banging your Mom in the reflecting pool, she said you might react this way. And speaking of water, we rode her like she was the last boat to America! Oh ya, see you at paltalk - will you pick me up a low-carb Monster and a package of Ding-Dongs? Thanks.
American Spectator: Well that makes you a necrophiliac, asshole.
JeremiasX: You reek of commerce.
Several top Paul advisors, staffers, etc do indeed advocate a return to the Articles… I think you lose the irony sweepstakes.
Or is that… WIN!?!
I never knew that band camps held reunions.
That was cool. I suck for not going. But at least I aborted some third-trimester homebrew. For states rights. And the Paultards should respect that.
Gormogon: Sometimes, the only way to save the Constitution is to destroy it.
JeremiasX: Not only do you blame your comment “disappearing” on some conspiracy (as opposed to randomness or your own ineptness), and insult everyone, you then advertise some lame service here.
You lose the game.
If you missed this event, Ron Paul and Pastor Chuck Baldwin will also keynote the JBS 50th Anniversary Celebration from October 2-5, 2008 in Appleton, Wisconsin. You will probably find more graying Paultards there but they all believe in the same anti-world gummint, anti-democracy, nativist, Consti-patriotism–which after all, the JBS, not Ron Paul, invented.
,Lazy Media: And speaking of destroying the Constitution to save it, this was exactly the thing accomplished by the infamous House Un-American Activities Committee whose mandate was to protect “the form of government guaranteed by our Constitution.” The HUAC of course conducted the most flagrant abuses of American civil liberties as one of the programs now lumped under the rubric, “McCarthyism.” McCarthy, JBS, and HUAC all overlapped with one another and have generally been considered the farthest right of American far right politics.
Appleton, Wisconsin is also the birthplace of Joseph McCarthy and the anniversary celebration coincides with his 100th birthday in November, 1908. Save the Constitution!!!
Sheesh, y’all are so young.
Good job on the signage, as it requires something called ‘reading comprehension’ to see the snark. Did anybody catch on that you weren’t, you know, exactly serious?
Whoever wrote that Arabic Truck Nutz sign is a 7-Diamond Whore in my book.
TGY: Um, well definitely not the guy who bought that two operatives were supporting John Ashcroft and Jim Gibbons, respectively. The 9/11 Troofer guy didn’t suspect us one bit either. I would say that on the whole, despite the Paul Marshalls’ mission to find and rout all Wonkettism, we were able to successfully infiltrate without raising the alarm.
Crikey… Newell’s head is huge.
Good job. I especially appreciate the capture of that majestic beast, the Tune Inn daytime regular, in its natural habitat.
Darehead: Also, the John Birch Society has their HQ in Appleton.
Evidently, The Paultards have him confused with John Galt.
Trick question! No vices! They were all there July 12th!
Shots rang out in the morning, and I wasn’t there! Dammit! I did toast y’all with a few cold ones under my bamboo, though. Btw, I’d hit all of you.
I think I am in luv with the Wonketteer in the green tank top with the Truck Nutz sign.
You all should receive the Medal of Freedumb for your brave acts of… of… drinking beer! Salute!
No signs of lobotomy scares; I am pleasantly surprised and impressed.
Sounds like there was a bit of love in the air with tsunami and anabellum… gross. just kidding, we need to create some purebred ‘lil Wonks. Also, i would love to be able to identify some of my favorite ‘ettes with their sweaty drunken faces… WEzl?
Monsieur Grumpe:
I meant scars. But lobotomy scrares could be another name for a Paultard. Ha!
I am an Idiot.
also, the next time there is a Wonkette event that is either air conditioned or during fall or winter I am there. Unfortunately, since i am made of sugar and spice, i would melt in the heat.
Damn.
There’s only two things in US history for which I wish I’d been present.
The first is John Brown’s shindig at Harper’s Ferry.
The second is the Wonketteer uprising.
Y’all look like you had yourselves some good old fashioned unhealthy fun, without anybody getting hurt.
One serious omission though. At least if I had come, somebody woulda been photographed with the obligatory Weezer hashpipe. How can ya stand up to The Man without your official Weezer hashpipe? It does not compute!
Deepthroat: The ruddy-faced lad slurring his life-story to Jim in the fourth photo.
JeremiasX: Debate? … uh is that some sort of cocktail?
NotUrEvryDayWEzl: That’s what I thought. They’re not very snark-savvy (read: humorless), so unless you’re carrying a ‘Ron Paul Please Eat a Bag-of-Dicks’ sign, they won’t molest you. And even then they might be thrown off by the word ‘Please’.
WEzl: wow. somehow, i knew that