Wonkette
The March on Washington is almost here, as are our Patriotic Morning Drinking Plans. But did you know it’s kind of scary to come to a place like D.C., especially to the touristy National Mall which crawls with Park Service police night and day, and is only visited by other white people tourists on summer weekends? Join us for a children’s treasury of “I am worried there might be scary snakes” Paultard travel-tip forum posts.
Wonkette locals are concerned with the obvious American issues, such as, “Are you sure Tune Inn’s open and serving at eight on Saturdays, because I’ve never been up that early on a Saturday before.” But for the dozens of Million Paultard March people visiting our nation’s decrepit capital for the first time, there are other worries.
Because of being poor, most of the Paultards plan on staying at campgrounds an hour or two from D.C., and then maybe trying to find a bus or something to get them to the closest Metro station, and then emerging at the end of the Red Line past Silver Spring or wherever, and then finally making it to the Capitol at 1 a.m., when they’ll all be mugged and finally arrested for vagrancy. So most of the March on Washington issues are about the Mystery of Nature.
- What’s the mosquito problem like if there is one? Can you sleep outside your tent if it gets too hot?
- Er…My question about mosquitoes or other reasons to not sleep outside your tent…like marauders, snakes? Pleeaaaze? I come from a country with no poisonous creatures whatsoever and i don’t want to be bit!!
- There are some poisonous snakes here in VA (Copperheads and Timber Rattlesnakes), but I don’t know how common they are around the D.C. area. I personally wouldn’t sleep in the open because I don’t like bugs, and yes there are mosquitoes in the summer, so you’d probably get eaten alive by them. In any case, I’d recommend sleeping inside a tent, not that I’m much of a camper.
- Yeah I might go the hotel route too if worse comes to worse. I really like the camping idea, but we have to make sure to have solutions for the mosquitoes issue especially by any lake or stagnant pools. Do we have anyone who’s pretty much a camping expert to help offer suggestions on how to preempt any misery issues? Also I’m not sure how I’d get all the way out there from the airport. Metro…then ride from someone? Not sure…
- OK, snakes will hide from us as they don’t like big traffic areas. Unless we are camping on the Potomic , the chances of finding a snake are slim. Mosquitos, however, are different.
- My former marine friend told me camping in the area of DC in July is a bad idea. He says the heat and humidity will be terrible. Absolutely terrible, he says.
- Imagine us taking over whole campgrounds! It will be like RonStock!
Lodging/Camping in DC for the March [Ron Paul Forums]
Man, if I took a dump and looked down and saw that I’d never drink again. I swear mama!
Forget the march, I’m moving to this magical country with no poisonous creatures WHATSOEVER! Other than being poisonous to tyranny, that is.
Oh MAN, I wish I could be here. Can you imagine how much fun you could have messing with these morons?
What a bunch of dumbasses. “Ronstock”? just kill me now.
How’d you manage to catch Karl Rove going potty?
Paultards taking public transportation and camping in a public park. Oh the irony.
Silly Paultards, you need government-issued ids and corporate credit cards for hotels. That way they’ll be following your every move!
My over/under on the march is 100 Paultards that actually show. Who wants some action?
Forget the Tune Inn, I will be at RonStock!! “We’ve had reports of some bad Red Blast Mountain Dew…Please do not drink the Red Blast Mountain Dew…”
Mosquitoes, snakes, marauders, pirates, ninjas…
Oh Jeebus. One of them has now coined it “Ron Stock.” The end is near.
Snakes. There was a little snake in the basement this morning, and the wife as like catch the snake, and I was like um okay yeah um (tentative grab) (tentative grab) oh he’s fast, and she’s like do you want me to go get neighbor dude so and so, and I’m like I’ll get the damn snake - he’s just fast. Yeah. That snake’s still down there.
The idea of RonStock scares me far worse than a copperhead. I learned how to act around copperheads when I was a brownie. That many basement dwelling, mountain dew swilling, halfwits in one place is a recipe for disaster. I hope the rangers at that campground know what’s headed their way.
“Marauders?” What next, highwaymen?
RONSTOCK!
The ‘copperheads’ in D.C. were anti-Civil War northern Democrats, I’m pretty sure.
On my planet, Morlocks come out at night and leave food for us. Will this happen in D.C., too?
Better hope your computer doesn’t break down this weekend. ‘Cause there’ll be nobody around to fix it. Or change your oil. Or make doughnuts.
Guppy06: cutpurses, rogues, scalliwags, they’re all coming for the big march
Iggy Plop: If you are from around NoVa/DV/MD area, the black ones are blacksnakes or ratsnakes. Totally harmless and great vermin catchers. Unfortunately, they love to live inside in warm spots. My parents find them regularly curled up near the hot water heater or snaking their way across the kitchen floor or on top of the fridge. Gets the heart racing a bit.
RONSTOCK will be like UsFest on the ‘Potomic!’ Hey dude, is that Freedom Rock?
2goats: someone has to make the “RONSTOCK OR DIE!” signs. Wave them around and confuse the Paultards, then lead them like the Pied Piper.
Don’t worry about the mosquitoes, kids. Paultard blood gives mosquitoes a mean case of the trots. In fact, the natives rub Paultard blood on their bodies as a mosquito repellant.
HA, they are afraid of the heat and humidity AT NIGHT!? Just wait until they try and launch their offensive… it’ll be like Charles XII or Napoleon or Hitler in the Russian winter, but in summer, because that’s how we do it in America.
For those of you unfamiliar, Charles XII was from Sweden, where Sara K. is apparently having an affair with Karl Rove.
“I come from a country with no poisonous creatures whatsoever and i don’t want to be bit!!”
Hey everybody! There’s gonna be penguins!
NotUrEvryDayWEzl: They are going to be passing out right and left. There will be piles of sunburned, sweaty Paultards everywhere.
SayItWithWookies: Linux penguins? Or Farce of the Penguins? And couldn’t it also be leprechauns?
Camping by “stagnant pools”…so….they are camping on Capitol Hill after all, then?
Wait, my bad — clearly a reference to the White House lawn.
Do we have anyone who’s pretty much a camping expert to help offer suggestions on how to preempt any misery issues?
LOVE the Napoleon Dynamite-an use of “pretty much.”
FUCK I want to attend.
Who’s playing RonStock? Rush, opened by 27 filk bands, each shittier than the last?
Truculent: also footpads, blackguards and yeggs
Doglessliberal: NJ, and it’s actually a garter snake. i’m hip to the outdoors and creatures and stuff. but it’s a snake! sign. i’ll probably down a couple g and t’s and go find a box to chase it into.
It’s gotta be penguins — there have to be poisonous animals in Ireland (mostly monsignors and up, I would guess). Whether WOW has poisonous animals or not, I can’t be sure.
Will Bob Barr headline Ronstock?
Iggy Plop: Just tell your wife your sick of the motherfuckin’ snakes in the motherfuckin basement and go from there.
Usually I worry more about leaving a toilet snake than finding one.
Iggy Plop: ah, well, courage!
And did nobody tell them about water moccasins?
SayItWithWookies: They needn’t worry. Paultards don’t know how to swim.
I hope they all get arrested for eating and drinking on the Metro and start a riot.
They’re fucking camping tonight before the march? Wow, they keep giving lol.
Doglessliberal: Or Lemmings, yeah lemmings. Are there any big cliffs in DC to lead them off of.
Do we have anyone who’s pretty much a geology expert to offer suggestions on how to preempt any Paultrad overpopulations issues?
Terry: a copperhead! cripes i was nearly bitten by one when went out to pick up the newspaper one morning — decided to pull up some weeds and noticed something moving back when I reached down. they really blend in. kinda snaps you awake.
on, anyway, re serpents — wasn’t some kid bitten by a green/black mamba in DC some years ago? (I could not find anything). The poor kid had actually stolen the snake and had it in a bag; he put the bag over his shoulder to get on a city bus and that is when it bit him.
so hell, tell them the whole area is crawling with water moccasins. they get into everything.
SystemError: That, is hilarious.
Trying very very hard to get images of Ronstock out of my head.
CollegeStudent: well, you kind of need to walk a bit, but there are some lovely cliffs at Great Falls. Or you could pitch them off one of our bridges. Also, the Potomac is actually pretty deadly, with some wicked currents, so just toss them in the river.
Be gentle Ken, this is probably the first time most of these people have left the “indoors” since elementary school, when all of the other kids refused to play with them during recess because they smelled like cabbage.
i’m so vicariously there. if only i weren’t stuck in muzzieland
SayItWithWookies: Figures that penguins would be Paultards. Penguins are selfish assholes.
Have fun, guys. Wish I could be there.
I am there in spirit(s). I will be safely hunkered down in my NYC enclave, one hand on the bottle the other on the throttle. I expect a full, if hazy, report on Monday, however.
queeraselvis v 2.0: Fat Bastard left a floater!
In regards to that post about us all being drunk and on drugs and capable of anything and raping their women and eating the babies while still in the womb…. Don’t they have us confused with the Late Nite Shots doods?
Doglessliberal:
Definitely Great Falls. Tell them to go for a swim there.
They’re coming to DC, and their biggest concerns are snakes and mosquitoes? *Really?* Have they…never read a news article about Washington DC? Oh, of course not, what am I thinking. And if they’re camping in mid-July, they’ll all be sweaty, unwashed and hideous-smelling. I mean, more than usual.
They are just now deciding where to stay??? Sleeping outside without a tent on public land= homeless vagrant sucking off Uncle Sam’s teat. Get a job!
This confused version of the ‘outside’ is what happens when you never leave mom’s basement.
By the time we got to Ronstock
We were half a hundred strong…
So sad. An entire revolution derailed for want of a can of OFF!
KevoTron: their women?! These are Paultards we’re talking about.
SayItWithWookies: Good point.
Is their anyway you could come up with some kind of scavenger hunt game? Five points for a picture of a Paultard in a UtiliKilt, five for fattest Paultard, two points for Paultards who obviously voted Republican in 2004, etc….
For Paultards who are afraid of snakes, it’s still not too late to fly over to London for their big Brits 4 Ron Paul gathering tomorrow! Eleven people are definitely going and also there is one maybe, so there could be 12! And there are 12 definites for tomorrow’s meet in Munich which is open “Für alle Paulanerinnen und Paulaner”. Woo-hoo! Soon Ron Paul will be the boss of Europe and you bitter Americans will laugh no more.
ill lure them in with mosquito repellant, then fuck them for the 5 dollar offer Jim gave
shortsshortsshorts: Thats it. Call in the air strike.
FunkyPalmettoBug: Hopefully they can pick me up from SF on the way.
Jeebus I thought the Paultards were all indie survivalist types, but they’re losing it over some pansy DC mosquitos and garden snakes? Cripes, no wonder they’re so clingy with their guns. They’re probably afraid that squirrel over there is going to give them a savage beating if they don’t shoot it first.
populucious: Don’t forget that in DC we have BLACK squirrels
populucious: The real life versions of Jimbo and Ned…”THERE’S A FEDERAL GOVERNOR THERE NED! SHOOT IT! SHOOT IT!!”
Forget the snakes and mosquitos (even though the latter are full of West Nile Virus). We just had a bear wander through Montgomery County a few weeks ago; Rock Creek Park has coyotes; around 50% of the raccoons have rabies …. Face it, you’ll never make it out of here alive.
(All of the above are absolutely true facts.)
I suggest they should camp out on the mall. The cops love it.
Terry: A Hooverville, a Hooverville, where is our General Betrayus?
For those whose knowledge of American history ends at the last edition of USA Today: http://www.hampsteadchamber.com/A%20Southern%20Primer/hoover.htm
Queen snakes!
wheelie: They are such sell outs. The Brits4DaPaul event is at an All Bar One which is a nasty corporate chain pub (picture lots of Ikea furniture and centrally produced signs that are supposed to look like the staff wrote them on a blackboard with chaulk). Well, at least they serve Leffe beer, but that comes from Belgium (Europe’s secret hub of control in Brussels)
They could be much more creative (my personal choice for them would be Dirty Dicks, on Bishopsgate near Liverpool Street Station. And this place started in 1745 (that’s pre-constitution people) which is practically mid-evil so you can bring your +4 chain mail armor http://www.dirtydicks.co.uk/
Also Waterloo station? come on, who the hell goes slumming on the south side of the river?
I like how the Paultards cite their Marine friend when giving camping advice. Because gods know that only Marines have gone camping before.
I’d feel better if they cited their Boy Scout friends, but then I’d have a sleepless night wondering what sort of harrowing hazing rituals went on. The Boy Scouts terrorizing the Paultards, ‘natch. Because we all know that in a battle of wits (or of physical stature), a thirteen-year-old boy could take out an entire posse of Paultards.
Free tip for the Paultards: the cookie with the glazed frosting that the taunting gaggle of scouts encircling you are daring you to eat? The frosting is not tapioca pudding!
Hey, the White House Press Corps is the biggest stagnant pool on Earth. It breeds blood-sucking mosquitos like you wouldn’t believe!