We have our plans for Paultardpalooza, finally. We will meet at the gloriously iconic dive bar, the Tune Inn, at 9:30 a.m. tomorrow. We decided on the Tune Inn after calling various Capitol Hill bars and asking, “How early do you start serving alcohol in the morning?” Most places awkwardly tried to hang up, but the Tune Inn gave us a hearty “8 a.m.!” in response, and we appreciated that. MORE IMPORTANT DETAILS AFTER THE JUMP.
We can afford to meet at 9:30 instead of 9:00 because, well, we decided that we do not want to march a fucking mile with Paultards *from* the Washington Monument, in the heat, in the morning. We will just meet them at the Capitol at 11 or 11:30, maybe take pictures for five minutes, and then probably go to another bar.
If you have not yet done so, please e-mail tips@wonkette.com to let us know if you are interested in coming to Wonkette’s Paultardpalooza Morning Alcohol Party, subject line “HOT NAKED FLAPPERS.” Feel free to bring all your friends, assuming they’re not tools.
The address for the Tune Inn (where they serve food, btw) is: 331 Pennsylvania Avenue SE, Washington, D.C. 20003. The Google has a program for driving directions, and the appropriate Metro station would be Capitol South on the Blue & Orange Lines. Wear a bucket hat because it will be Sunny, and maybe also body armor.
{ 97 comments }
As the moment approaches, my bitterness only grows.
A more glorious treasure map has never been seen before in the history of mankind (err… humankind. I apologize for my sexism)
[re=34211]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: I know! We can drink in San Francisco! I can take the high-speed-rail from LA to SF and… …wait. Fuck.
Seriously, you guys better fuck shit up so hard.
[re=34211]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: You can still fly in! Go right to DCA and hop(e) on the metro!
As you can see, Davout holds the Right while Marshalls Smith, Newell and Ney break the left. The paultards then break and run to the river where the wonk legion is waiting for them.
Ahh..the map alone makes me wish I could be there…
oh man, this would so be worth attending, but I have stupid other plans.
[re=34219]NotUrEvryDayWEzl[/re]: Reality world took my precious pile-o-shit car from me, so I no longer have the luxuries of “cash” or “funds” or even whore diamonds.
Anyone interested in gigging a remote, in-spirit affair in Chicago, meet at Nick’s Uptown at 9:30. They may not be open yet, but we can throw a brick through the window and help the pocess along some. I had planned to break into to Nick’s Uptown on Saturday morning anyway, so this might work out well for me from a blame-spreading standpoint.
Take Pictures! Please!
oh, and wear clean underwear; you never know.
[re=34224]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: You know, the scarcity of whore diamonds in our wonkette economy is really putting serious strain on consumers. When will the editors give us a massive bail-out?
[re=34220]FunkyPalmettoBug[/re]: You really need Napoleon for this sort of action. Marshals of France just don’t cut the dijon. Where, I ask ya, is Ken?
Also, where is the Olde Guarde?
I am coming with my 3-foot “Ron Paul OVERlution” sign.
[re=34234]Advocatus_Diaboli[/re]: Do you mean to imply that we might mate with the Paultards? Or with one-another?
$5 to anyone who fucks a paultard.
[re=34223]Doglessliberal[/re]: you’re banned if you don’t come. “Is he kidding?”
I’m trying to understand the itinerary from the map. Engage hobbits drunkenly and halfheartedly on Capitol Hill and then meander into SE to score drugs whilst they make their futile assault on the Capitol Building? I’m so there.
As if. {sigh} I live in NJ now. With responsibilities and such.
[re=34223]Doglessliberal[/re]:
Well, you don’t have to walk the dogs, so that’s not an excuse. Kids? I heard there’s a program now that lets you leave them at firehouses.
Is Fearless Leader going, or does his AOL blog take up all his time?
[re=34242]Jim Newell[/re]: I’ll fuck 50.
have you guys seen the “Ron Paul Anthem/music video?” please bear witness to the ridiculousness:
http://www.chessmaniac.com/2008/07/ron-paul-march-on-july-12th-is-ron.php
[re=34244]Jim Newell[/re]: hah, you are Mr. Funny Man. Trust me, I’d rather be there than moving furniture in bazillion degree with a million percent humidity weather. I am thinking even now how I could work this, but I don’t see how.
So sad I am not in DC anymore–if they’re dressing up like colonials, I would have def. shown up as a Torie…or King George.
This makes me wish I wasn’t stuck in LA. Get pissed! Destroy!
[re=34246]Botswana Meat Commission FC[/re]: moving furniture for family in the middle of nowhere VA. Just shoot me.
[re=34238]TGY[/re]: Nah, a good Ney full charge would put the paultards in their place.
[re=34242]Jim Newell[/re]: Considering how many ameros the paul chicks will put out for, thats $3.50 of straight profit!
This map brought tears to my eyes and then beer came out my nose (it IS Friday afternoon after all). I am still having a hard time breathing. But I also have a worry- my two kids live in the area marked “bums”. Are they bums or are they living on the wrong side of town?
[re=34249]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: shorts, you need to demand more per ‘tard. $5 is too little. You need to at least cover the soap you’ll need to disinfect.
[re=34239]Imagine42[/re]: Other sign ideas:
“Cranky Texas Gynecologist for President”
“PAUL/ARAGORN ’08″
“Restore the Articles of Confederation!”
Man, how quickly could I churn these things out?
[re=34256]RaptorAvatar[/re]: You can go to the Lotus Festival in Echo Park and watch people race dragon boats. At least, that’s my totally dorky plan.
Dammit. Dammit fuckety shit. Flying out in the morning. I’d love to go get drunk as fuck for Paultard purposes with you guys, but I won’t be able to.
This has potential to be legendary. I am sorry I cannot be there, but it seems like a long way from Brooklyn.
But will Sara K. be there??
Oh for the carefee days when I could jump on the shuttle to D.C., buy the ticket from the vending machine and just walk on board. Damn terrorists have made it impossible to do some early-mornig drinking in our nation’s capital. Please take pictures and post extravagantly.
Jim, if you do manage to tag a Paultard of either gender, post those pictures too. Science will thank you
[re=34271]jagorev[/re]: Call up the Hostelling International hostel in downtown DC for a cheap room and hop on a Chinatown bus tonight, dude. Totally doable. Or, on the off-chance that you aren’t a poor twenty-something like me, call a real hotel and get on the Amtrak tonight.
[re=34250]cs11[/re]: As a homosexual, I often make the error of thinking that all women look alike. However, this chick looks like she might be one of those “indie” chicks that the bros at Late Night Shots fantasize about while fucking their socialite bimbos.
[re=34279]TurdBlossom[/re]: Alter-Egos must stay in California.
This is gonna turn ugly. I will be there, but ya’ll will be lookin’ at me thinkin’ “Ummm…FBI.” And, hey, I might be. Spooky.
You all laugh now, but I see this ending much like the movie Freaks: the Paultards close in around you chanting “gooble gobble, gooble gobble, one of us, one of us” and you wake up the next day half Wonkette/half Paultard.
[re=34297]NoWireHangers[/re]: But the classic mermaid question: which half will be which?
[re=34293]Q2[/re]: We are ALL FBI now … what?
[re=34297]NoWireHangers[/re]: Wonkette/Half Paultard
[re=34265]Jewdishoowary Square[/re]: Awesome (as was Imagine’s original idea) You could also go even more abstract (that way you might even get to strike up a conversation with a Paultard to explain your sign):
“Rand Vs. Wade”
“I’m I.T. & I Vote!”
“Repeal The New Deal”
This post (and entire concept) made me laugh out loud… inappropriately loud. I’ll be checking for pictures all weekend. Godspeed, Wonketteers.
[re=34279]TurdBlossom[/re]: Sara K. is in Sweden, with Karl Rove. She sends her regrets.
[re=34242]Jim Newell[/re]: Now that made me laugh.
Raise the colors, Batman. Or light the batsign. “Signal all ships at sea and on the land.” Whatevs.
Hail, Wonkettitudes, we who must stay at home salute you!
Goddammit. I’m moving to DC in three weeks, and the fucking Paultards couldn’t wait that long. Fine, screw you; I’m going out on the lake tomorrow in my buddy’s 30-foot cabin cruiser. Well, “lake” is a relative term, what with the drought here in Georgia. We’re taking our metal detectors out to scour the vast mudflats, for pirate gold.
Should we apologize in advance to the Tune Inn for the Paultards firebombing the place?
[re=34265]Jewdishoowary Square[/re]: [re=34315]mailclerk[/re]: Nice. We’re also bringing a handmade “Google Ross Perot” sign.
[re=34309]Ken Layne[/re]: Then don’t worry, because we is for us. Besides, NPR says FBI has “changed direction.”. No more focus on prosecutions…from now on it’s using FISA to figure out what porn you like so they can blackmail you in the near future. “Ummm…Mrs. Layne…NO DON’T TURN AROUND MRS. LAYNE…ummmm…are you aware that Ken is into toilet bowl snake sex?…” BTW Ken…that is disgusting terror sex…it’d be much better for you to turn Republican and concentrate on homoerotic gay diaper cheating pee family value sex.
[re=34249]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Hmmm. I’ll turn PaulTard is I can be first.
Noooooo!!!! Won’t be in DC until Monday night. Damn you, Paultards. Damn you for your inconsiderate scheduling. I can’t believe I’m missing this
I am pissed I can’t come up with a better excuse to head down. You nerds better be live-blogging from your 3G Jesus-phones!
So how will we all recognize each other? Should we wear nametags? Or dress as our avatars? (I’ll be the one with all the pills…)
[re=34324]Lazy Media[/re]: welcome to DC in advance!
[re=34371]SkimLatteLiberal[/re]: there are some really great exhibits at the Nat. Gallery, and the City of Alexandria is having its 4th of July Saturday night (oh, sorry, its “Birthday Celebration”) with cake for everyone and fireworks. You can find other stuff to do.
[re=34381]Trollop[/re]: you should all wear name tags that say “Trollop”
[re=34371]SkimLatteLiberal[/re]: oh, and the Capital Fringe Festival, so you can watch lots of plays while drunk, drugging, and derelict, too. http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/cityguide/
[re=34353]Q2[/re]: Well okay then.
[re=34394]Doglessliberal[/re]: Wise suggestion. Especially since I don’t have a giant furry costume.
[re=34336]nbawriter[/re]:
For people who have never ventured to the Tune Inn, the regulars would scare off anyone trying to mess with the place. I am very tempted to make it out…
Goddamn, I wish I lived near DC. Have fun, guys.
[re=34282]Jewdishoowary Square[/re]: Ha! Of course I’m a poor twenty-something.
please wear your daggers and +3 swords on the OUTSIDE of your clothing so I know who to talk to
[re=34471]jagorev[/re]: [re=34282]Jewdishoowary Square[/re]: Have you seen the Facebook group, like 95% of this site = poor twenty-something.
[re=34482]tunamelt[/re]: Fortunately, DC has a long and illustrious history of welcoming poor twenty-somethings. Y’all come on down, y’hear?
[re=34471]jagorev[/re]: Just saying, dude. Transportion and a bed to sleep in could cost you under fifty bucks.
The map is useless. You don’t even show the Eye of Sauron emanating from the headquarters of the CFR. It is like you want the poor Paultards to walk to their doom!
[re=34242]Jim Newell[/re]: Does beating them up and taking their wallets count as “fucking”?
I’m going to bring some pocket constitutions with me. Maybe someone can dress up like Bob Byrd and scream “Make way for Liberty!” at all the Paultards.
[re=34478]Borat[/re]: Won’t everything have to be peace-bonded?
[re=34499]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: The CFR is in Dupont Circle. It’s much more convenient for them to take the Metro to their doom.
I am going to bring some pocket constitutions with me. Maybe someone can dress up lke Bob Byrd and scream “Make way for Liberty!” at all the Paultards.
[re=34506]WadISay[/re]: You could do that, but the only thing you would find in their wallets would be 5 year old Doritos.
[re=34242]Jim Newell[/re]: Wow, I draw the line at fucking a Paultard. Republicans are one thing, but Paultards… that’s just sick.
Stuff like this almost makes me wish that Seattle had some sort of… political… atmosphere… and stuff. Not that I need an excuse to get drunk on a Saturday morning, mind you.
[re=34211]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: I feel your pain, bitterness, and frustration, except that my car is running. I can’t go anywhere, though, because everything’s on fire.
[re=34532]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: I used to have a thing for dating really conservative religious types, but even if they were douches, at least they were hygienic douches.
[re=34536]tunamelt[/re]: Isn’t that just the most annoying problem about left-leaning hippie-types?
Just to confuse the hell out of the Paultards I think you guys should dress like astronauts, pirates, whatevers.
[re=34541]NotUrEvryDayWEzl[/re]: But hippies are so easy and I really appreciate that, as someone who is totally lazy.
[re=34542]KevoTron[/re]: I vote trying to match the little Wonkette icon.
BTW, you were cuter as Macaulay Culkin.
[re=34229]Happy Fun Ball[/re]: 9:30 Eastern or Central?
Seriously, this is the most I’ve ever regretted no longer being in D.C.
[re=34250]cs11[/re]: allow me to dust off this old chestnut to add to the festivities. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=naMtwqBzja0
ATTENTION SAN FRANCISCO PEOPLZ:
10:30 a.m. pacific, Kells Irish Bar on Jackson St.
DO IT.
Oh. And I will be wearing shorts and sitting next to a gorgeous red-head, who I am paying to be with me.
[re=34546]NotUrEvryDayWEzl[/re]: Actually… I AM Macaulay Culkin!
[re=34553]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: [re=34553]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Oh, I just can’t win in Southern California.
The Tune Inn is awesome. Every now and then, a Hill resident gets tired of dorky ass wonks and douchy ass interns, and wants to sit next to a toothless old drunk who rambles nonsensically about all things other than the Skins or Nats. And the Tune is the place for that kind of thing.
Their sandwiches are bitchin, but not sure if you want a heart attack that early in the morning.
[re=34566]NotNotLickingToads[/re]: I prefer my heart attacks in the morning, this way I’m out by nightfall and ready to start drinking
[re=34572]NotUrEvryDayWEzl[/re]: continue, rather.
[re=34572]NotUrEvryDayWEzl[/re]: Excellent. Then you’ve found paradise, and it lies in SE DC.
[re=34585]NotNotLickingToads[/re]: People don’t realize that SE is actually quite charming… until one reaches Anacostia, which is a place only an anthropologist could love.
[re=34548]WindbagCity[/re]: Central.
I’ll just be drinking by myself on my front porch yelling at imaginary paultards. Smack one for me.
[re=34242]Jim Newell[/re]: Canadian or US? And must it be done with eyes wide open in colonial uniform?
[re=34653]S.Luggo[/re]: Paper bags get you a 1 dollar deduction.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE tell me these pictures will be posted! please!
I can only imagine the hilariousness that will ensue with the mixing of alcohol, sarcasm and Paultards…
What’s a paultard? Is that like a reron? Ruh roh, rerons!
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