THE DEVIL'S WORK  6:19 pm July 9, 2008

Ted ‘Tubes’ Stevens Explains His New Internet For Us

by Jim Newell

Corrupt Alaskan Sen. Ted Stevens, the old hack whose limited understanding of the Internet as a “series of tubes” launched a soul-crushing meme, has redesigned his Internet web site! And he’s sent out a release about the changes that we found funny, but probably only because, you know, he’s Ted Stevens and he’s writing about the Internet again. For example: “Online communities – We now have a presence on YouTube, Flickr (photo sharing site), and MySpace in addition to the Facebook page we have had. You can become a friend or subscriber to these pages and this will allow you to stay in touch with the campaign in a whole new way. Links to all of these sites are located on the front page of the website.” OK, you tell us Flickr is for photo sharing, but what in the hell are YouTube, MySpace and the Facebook?? [Ted Stevens]

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shortsshortsshorts July 9, 2008 at 6:22 pm

Can you use the website to launder thousands of dollars from your constituents? That would be SUPER AWESOME! Ted would TOTALLY love it!

I am the Liquor July 9, 2008 at 6:23 pm

Is that Benny Hinn’s hair?

Jason July 9, 2008 at 6:34 pm

Hearing this guy talk about his website is like hearing my mother say “rad”. It just makes you wince. Can this guy even get his own email? I also saw he doesn’t have any friends on my site either. All these Senators with no friends. So sad…

Paultardville July 9, 2008 at 6:40 pm

“… will allow you to stay in touch with the campaign in a whole new way.”

For the love of Larry Craig, make it stop.

Brutus Harlot July 9, 2008 at 6:43 pm

What? No presence on Wonkette?

Q2 July 9, 2008 at 6:46 pm

Na na na na.
Na na na na.
Hey heeeeeeeeey!
Go fuck yourself Ted Stevens.

Paultardville July 9, 2008 at 6:47 pm

Wait a sec, Corrup-Ted is now on the You Tubes, the Flickers, and the My Space? Could it be he is more advanced with the Internet than our Wonkette?

And by “he” I mean “the homeless guy that the jackass senator hired to design his new web site.”

Borat July 9, 2008 at 6:52 pm

[re=32546]Jason[/re]: These poor lonely old men senators. They all have no friends on freedom speaks. Jason, you seemed to solve that problem for some of our pervy senator comrade yesterday…get on it!

Borat July 9, 2008 at 6:55 pm

[re=32539]I am the Liquor[/re]: you’re worried about his hair. what’s that scary creature next to him? Gimp? Alien Life form? Possessed Ghost or Zombie? Seems like the kind of apparition that usually appears in a grainy picture by some guy called cleetus in a trailor park.

Canuckledragger July 9, 2008 at 7:04 pm

Bridge To Nowhere [apologies to David Byrne, et al]

Well we know where we’re goin
But we dont know where we’ve been
It’s in a thing called a “history cache”
But we can’t say what we’ve seen
There’s laws against that with children
But you know it’s what we want
Unfamiliar with intertube traditions
Give our IT time to work it out

We’re on a bridge to nowhere
Come on inside
Takin’ that ride to nowhere
Alaskans, take that ride

I’m feelin okay this mornin’
And you know,
We’re on the bridge to paradise
Here we go, here we go

Maybe you wonder where you are
I dont care
I’m a retarded, corrupt Republican
Do you like my hair?

We’re on a bridge to nowhere
We’re on a bridge to nowhere
We’re on a bridge to nowhere

There’s a city in my mind
Made outta intertubes
Citizens there all vote for me
‘Coz they’re all fuckin’ rubes

And it’s very far away
But my stash o’cash is growing day by day
And I’m on Facebook, baby, it’s all right

They can’t tell me what to do
At least ‘til I’m indicted
And I’m on MySpace, baby, it’s all right

Pay the toll for my bridge to nowhere

Lionel Hutz Esq. July 9, 2008 at 7:29 pm

Sounds like he is marketing a child porn site.

NotUrEvryDayWEzl July 9, 2008 at 8:11 pm

[re=32582]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: He’s a republican. Duh.

Johnny Zhivago July 9, 2008 at 8:42 pm

Holy shit, this looks like a campaign for County Clerk in western Pennsylvania:

Pro-ChoiceMomsChooseJif July 9, 2008 at 9:29 pm

Western Pennsylvania’s nowhere near that nice . . . sigh . . .

flyingspaghettimonster July 9, 2008 at 10:32 pm

i love his American flag 80′s sweater mini dress. is that an original Norma Kamali?

ms_mcgee July 9, 2008 at 11:20 pm

Um, where’s The Hulk in all of this? I want to see him in The Hulk tie when he’s campigning – and more importantly, painted green.

columnv July 10, 2008 at 12:13 am

He signs his name with the number 2. What’s up with that dude!!!!

Also, he’s a giant douche who doesn’t get enough hand jobs.

columnv July 10, 2008 at 12:13 am

[re=32669]ms_mcgee[/re]: If he wasn’t wearing pants, it’d kinda be a nice sweater-dress.

columnv July 10, 2008 at 12:14 am

[re=32546]Jason[/re]: His picture looks like he’s about to kill you. I wasn’t able to stay on the site long enough to see how many friends he had.

Borat July 10, 2008 at 7:20 am

Did you see how open minded he is he has Nome events on his website. That’s so sweet.

GunStreetGirl July 10, 2008 at 7:12 pm

Let me get this straight: you can make your own t-shirts with imaginative slogans like, “I heart Uncle Ted”?? I’m picturing an army of obese Alaskan women sporting some iron-on action, circa 1995.

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