the devil's work

Ted ‘Tubes’ Stevens Explains His New Internet For Us

Corrupt Alaskan Sen. Ted Stevens, the old hack whose limited understanding of the Internet as a “series of tubes” launched a soul-crushing meme, has redesigned his Internet web site! And he’s sent out a release about the changes that we found funny, but probably only because, you know, he’s Ted Stevens and he’s writing about the Internet again. For example: “Online communities – We now have a presence on YouTube, Flickr (photo sharing site), and MySpace in addition to the Facebook page we have had. You can become a friend or subscriber to these pages and this will allow you to stay in touch with the campaign in a whole new way. Links to all of these sites are located on the front page of the website.” OK, you tell us Flickr is for photo sharing, but what in the hell are YouTube, MySpace and the Facebook?? [Ted Stevens]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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  • shortsshortsshorts

    Can you use the website to launder thousands of dollars from your constituents? That would be SUPER AWESOME! Ted would TOTALLY love it!

  • I am the Liquor

    Is that Benny Hinn’s hair?

  • Jason

    Hearing this guy talk about his website is like hearing my mother say “rad”. It just makes you wince. Can this guy even get his own email? I also saw he doesn’t have any friends on my site either. All these Senators with no friends. So sad…

    http://www.freedomspeaks.com/official/ted-stevens/federal.us-legislative-senate.ak-1

  • Paultardville

    “… will allow you to stay in touch with the campaign in a whole new way.”

    For the love of Larry Craig, make it stop.

  • Brutus Harlot

    What? No presence on Wonkette?

  • Q2

    Na na na na.
    Na na na na.
    Hey heeeeeeeeey!
    Go fuck yourself Ted Stevens.

  • Paultardville

    Wait a sec, Corrup-Ted is now on the You Tubes, the Flickers, and the My Space? Could it be he is more advanced with the Internet than our Wonkette?

    And by “he” I mean “the homeless guy that the jackass senator hired to design his new web site.”

  • Borat

    [re=32546]Jason[/re]: These poor lonely old men senators. They all have no friends on freedom speaks. Jason, you seemed to solve that problem for some of our pervy senator comrade yesterday…get on it!

  • Borat

    [re=32539]I am the Liquor[/re]: you’re worried about his hair. what’s that scary creature next to him? Gimp? Alien Life form? Possessed Ghost or Zombie? Seems like the kind of apparition that usually appears in a grainy picture by some guy called cleetus in a trailor park.

  • Canuckledragger

    Bridge To Nowhere [apologies to David Byrne, et al]

    Well we know where we’re goin
    But we dont know where we’ve been
    It’s in a thing called a “history cache”
    But we can’t say what we’ve seen
    There’s laws against that with children
    But you know it’s what we want
    Unfamiliar with intertube traditions
    Give our IT time to work it out

    We’re on a bridge to nowhere
    Come on inside
    Takin’ that ride to nowhere
    Alaskans, take that ride

    I’m feelin okay this mornin’
    And you know,
    We’re on the bridge to paradise
    Here we go, here we go

    Maybe you wonder where you are
    I dont care
    I’m a retarded, corrupt Republican
    Do you like my hair?

    We’re on a bridge to nowhere
    We’re on a bridge to nowhere
    We’re on a bridge to nowhere

    There’s a city in my mind
    Made outta intertubes
    Citizens there all vote for me
    ‘Coz they’re all fuckin’ rubes

    And it’s very far away
    But my stash o’cash is growing day by day
    And I’m on Facebook, baby, it’s all right

    They can’t tell me what to do
    At least ‘til I’m indicted
    And I’m on MySpace, baby, it’s all right

    Pay the toll for my bridge to nowhere

  • Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Sounds like he is marketing a child porn site.

  • NotUrEvryDayWEzl

    [re=32582]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: He’s a republican. Duh.

  • Johnny Zhivago

    Holy shit, this looks like a campaign for County Clerk in western Pennsylvania:

    http://tedstevens2008.com/gallery/

  • Pro-ChoiceMomsChooseJif

    Western Pennsylvania’s nowhere near that nice . . . sigh . . .

  • flyingspaghettimonster

    i love his American flag 80’s sweater mini dress. is that an original Norma Kamali?
    http://tedstevens2008.com/files/other/2008-07-04_-_Seward_Parade.jpg

  • ms_mcgee

    Um, where’s The Hulk in all of this? I want to see him in The Hulk tie when he’s campigning – and more importantly, painted green. http://webpages.charter.net/micah/ted1.jpg

  • columnv

    He signs his name with the number 2. What’s up with that dude!!!!

    Also, he’s a giant douche who doesn’t get enough hand jobs.

  • columnv

    [re=32669]ms_mcgee[/re]: If he wasn’t wearing pants, it’d kinda be a nice sweater-dress.

  • columnv

    [re=32546]Jason[/re]: His picture looks like he’s about to kill you. I wasn’t able to stay on the site long enough to see how many friends he had.

  • Borat

    Did you see how open minded he is he has Nome events on his website. That’s so sweet.

  • GunStreetGirl

    Let me get this straight: you can make your own t-shirts with imaginative slogans like, “I heart Uncle Ted”?? I’m picturing an army of obese Alaskan women sporting some iron-on action, circa 1995.