Kwame Kilpatrick Blames Sexy Text Messages On Hackers

by Sara K. Smith

pwnedKwame Kilpatrick, the laughable clown and still-not-fired mayor of Detroit, suggests that INTERNET HAXXORS may have gotten into his phone and sent slutty text messages to his chief of staff. His defense team is arguing that the prosecution (he might go to jail for perjury, obstruction of justice, and aggravated LOLing) must prove that the Mayor himself, and not some prankster, wrote the half-literate messages promising sexytime at the Benz Chili Bowl. At least one legal expert reckons this will not be too difficult. [Freep.com]

 

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{ 27 comments }

TGY July 9, 2008 at 4:36 pm

L33T haX0rZ got better things to do than frame some idiot mayor.

Anita Cocktail July 9, 2008 at 4:37 pm

If the ROTFLMAO don’t fit, you must acquit!

Dave J. July 9, 2008 at 4:38 pm

For real? Hackers did it? Isn’t this just the lame excuse every guy uses to explain to his wife what his profile is doing up at Adult Friend Finder? Now it’s the basis for his legal defense? Awesome!

graceless July 9, 2008 at 4:40 pm

Well I’m certainly going to stay tuned…

columnv July 9, 2008 at 4:40 pm

what. a. mess.

NotUrEvryDayWEzl July 9, 2008 at 4:41 pm

I actually pulled this defense with my father one time when he questioned why i was being billed by correctional collect calling service. Sad thing is he believed it.

WaldoJeffersHead July 9, 2008 at 4:44 pm

There are hackers on the internets? What is this world coming to?

queeraselvis v 2.0 July 9, 2008 at 4:47 pm

LOL. LOL LOL. LOL LOL LOL. LOL LOL LOL LOL. LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL. Dude! LOL LOL.

Yep, them hackers are a mighty creative bunch, f’sure.

Botswana Meat Commission FC July 9, 2008 at 4:52 pm

I know the I.Hate.DC guy won’t approve of all this conspiracy talk, but I’m still fairly sure Kwame is being sabotaged by a secret cabal of tailors.

StupidGeek July 9, 2008 at 4:53 pm

The Benz Chili Bowl sounds like a terrible terrifying bowel movement just waiting to happen. LOL.

shortsshortsshorts July 9, 2008 at 4:54 pm

If this defense were true, WHY have you hacker peoplz not fucked with teh Whitehouse? GET ON IT.

Max Power July 9, 2008 at 5:13 pm

Hey this defense got R Kelly off.

RooseveltFranklin July 9, 2008 at 5:33 pm

Maybe that dead stripper Tamara Green is hacking his shit from teh heavenz.

shortsshortsshorts July 9, 2008 at 5:33 pm

[re=32454]Max Power[/re]: How many children did R Kelly get off on?

LBOtomist July 9, 2008 at 5:47 pm

[re=32417]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Assumes someone over there has and can work a cell phone. Unlikely.

shortsshortsshorts July 9, 2008 at 5:50 pm
thus_spoke_zarathustra July 9, 2008 at 6:08 pm

I bet the hacker is the same guy that killed Nicole Simpson

Guppy06 July 9, 2008 at 7:14 pm

Hackerz would have put in some better smut. And changed his ringtone to Rick Astley.

Lionel Hutz Esq. July 9, 2008 at 7:32 pm

Hey, those must be the same hackers that keep putting porn on my computer at work.

Borat July 9, 2008 at 7:50 pm

OH MY GOD, WWW HACKERS MIGHT HAVE GOTTEN ON THIS SITE TOO. CANCEL ALL YOUR CREDIT CARDS AND CELLPHONES AND WAIT TOO WEEKS SO THE THREAT GOEZ AWAY. BUT YOU CAN STILL DONATE TO THE NOBAMA HOMES PAGES BECAUSE HILLARY WILL NEVER LIE.

sanantonerose July 9, 2008 at 9:13 pm

[re=32571]Guppy06[/re]: I love Rick Astley! Whatever happened to that guy?

tonyAZ82 July 9, 2008 at 11:11 pm

Yes. Hackers sent that text. Dont you know its a big conspiracy against the black man.

donner_froh July 10, 2008 at 12:03 am

His head is the size, shape and hue of a very large ripe pumpkin.

Sabre_Justice July 10, 2008 at 12:06 am

He should really just go back to being a Planeteer.

Doglessliberal July 10, 2008 at 9:52 am

This legal team is clearly charging enough to retire after this case, because making this cannot-possibly-pass-the-straight-face-test argument has to be a last act for them. But maybe not. Shamelessness is often a cultivated quality in defense lawyers. Me, I cannot make an argument for a client that makes me laugh out loud, but I guess that is why I am not rich.

2goats July 10, 2008 at 10:11 am

Bet Ms. “Chief of STAFF” was some pissed when she followed a string of IMs to some mother’s basement and found a bunch of pimply faced hackers hoping for some of dat hummer love, ‘stead of Mr. Mayor.

Doglessliberal July 10, 2008 at 10:16 am

[re=32779]2goats[/re]: ooh, all hot and bothered and no where to go!

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