John Kerry And John McCain No Longer Super Good Pals

Add to Flipboard Magazine.

Gaaack quit looking so handsome in the past!Just four short years ago, John Kerry loved John McCain so much he repeatedly implored the angry little fraud to be his running mate in his ultimately failed bid for president. And John McCain said no, because he wanted to lose on his own, four years later! This caused irreparable damage to their wonderful fairytale friendship.

Little-known fact: both John Kerry and John McCain fought in the Vietnam War. But when they came back from the war, the Democratic John called a bunch of soldiers war criminals while the Republican John smoked valiantly in a chair and stayed in the Navy.

Later on, they became pals, but then the 2004 election happened and John McCain told everybody in the press, “Ha ha, this jackhole wants to make me his Veep,” and then McCain commenced selling out to the conservatives who still hate him, and now the two Johns do not hang out with each other very much.

And John Kerry said John McCain was “unbelievably out of touch” and “confused” when he talked about not being in any big hurry to pull troops out of Iraq. John McCain wants his friendship bracelet and his Flowbee back.

Close Kerry-McCain Kinship Has Dissolved Since 2004 [Washington Post]

About the author

Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

View all articles by Sara K. Smith


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Tawmn

    I wish these two had just stayed home and smoked the marijuana cigarettes that were the craze at the time.

  • TGY

    The thing to remember is Treebeard never ruined nearly as much American equipment in ‘nam as WALNUTS!, so while it’s true they both fought in the same war, it was obviously on opposing sides.

  • thefrontpage

    Apparently, Kerry and McCain were both dating Lara Logan—that explains those frequent “fact-finding trips” to Iraq during the last two years by both men—-and, well, with her moving to D.C., no one could agree on living arrangements, allowances, dates, social agendas, and play-date schedules!!!

  • shortsshortsshorts

    NOOOOOO!!! John Kerry was so exciting when he was friends with WALNUTS!!! You could hardly contain his radiant exuberance!!!

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …John Kerry is just bitter that he got the ketchup lady and WALNUTS! got the beer bitch oops I mean heiress!

  • Terry

    At this point, McCain is only in touch with the rear ends of the folks he thinks will help to get him elected.

  • ProfessorJukes

    It’s obvious that some time between 2000 and 2005, John McCain was switched with the *alternate* John McCain from some other universe, perhaps as part of the Crisis On Infinite Earths, or the same transporter malfunction that gave Spock a beard.

    He’s gone from being friendly with a fellow democratic veteran and charming the press to hating everybody and everything except the flag, and making sure press relations include mutual oral stimulation of each others’ naughty bits.

  • Imagine42

    The splitting up of the record collections has never, in history, been easier.

  • ManchuCandidate

    Nah, it’s just the fallout from the Senate Swingers Club. Walnuts just couldn’t take anymore of Teresa Heinz’s demands to lick evil Grey Poupon and A-1 Steak Sauce off her body while Lurch and Cindy were role playing Frankstein meets the Horny Cheerleader.

  • EnBuenOra

    I don’t give a damn what other veterans or 40% or 75% or 99.999% of Americans think — one of the most heroic, most patriotic things ever done for this country were veterans coming home from Vietnam trying to stop our crazy government from continuing to slaughter millions of people. If they think that’s betrayal, f*** ’em.

  • loquaciousmusic

    [re=32073]Imagine42[/re]: Kerry takes the 45s, McCain takes the wax cylinders.

  • CrunchyKnee

    I wonder if beer lady and the ketchup (catsup?) woman are still pals?

  • shortsshortsshorts

    I, for one, always thought that WALNUTS was too old for him anyway.

  • wx insider

    Damn, that’s too bad… they were just like Siegfried & Roy

  • liquiddaddy

    When the only thing they have in common is rich wives, politics, and regularly waking up in the middle of the night howling from dreams of unspeakable torture, flaming earless Asian children, and disemboweled teen-soldiers screaming for their mommies, what could they possibly find to talk about?

  • wx insider

    liquiddaddy… “flaming earless Asian children”… great description, but sounds like it could be the name of a heavy metal band, too!

  • anabellum

    [re=32073]Imagine42[/re]: it was the numerous matching sweaters that really caused problems…

  • Truculent

    They have also vowed never to perform “The Mikado” together again

  • Q2

    It’s gonna be a war I tell ya! Kerry v. McCain! Kerry will claim great heroics during the battle with McCain, be awarded many medals, and he’ll throw them all into the Potomac to protest the unjustness of having a big long head face and ginormous jaw. McCain will fly his Cessna Piper Cub into Kerry’s mansion, be taken prisoner by Teresa who will hold him in the basement torturing him with deviant elitist sexual practices (DESP’s for those in the know). Barry will just shake his head and murmur “why can’t we all jus’ get along?” Hot time! Bummer and it’s shitty! McCain v. Kerry be none to pretty.

  • JSDC007

    Friendships can break over such things as your wife’s ketchup or your cougar’s beer.

    Freedom fries taste better served with Heinz Ketchup than with el crapola Bud, I say.

  • shortsshortsshorts

    john kerry raped and murdered excitement

  • Jason

    John Kerry is just a boy toy for his sugar momma.

  • TGY

    [re=32104]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: No, that would be too exciting. He merely bored it to death.

  • Q2

    I liken Washington politics to an excellent cartoon show…it is, quite simply, phenomenally juvenile: Page boy blowjobs, families valued by the valueless, the deception, and power grabs, the gay and race baiting, jumpin’ all other completely inconsequential shit. It would all be quite hilarious if the stakes for America, and the planet, were not so significant. But significant it is. This makes it not juvenile, but totally fucking evil. Our dark future is our just deserts: we put up with this juvenile horseshit. We are doomed.

  • Deepthroat
  • warreno

    “now the two Johns do not hang out with each other very much.”

    Two Johns don’t make a right.

  • CollegeStudent

    “now the two Johns do not hang out with each other very much.”

    Clearly this article is really about Spitzer and Vitter.

  • sezme

    [re=32068]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: Ketchup Kunt? Oh sorry – bad image.