Wonkette
Once upon a time, Curtis Sittenfeld wrote a funny thing for Salon about her terrible case of Nell Freudenberger envy. Then she wrote two best-selling novels and now she has another novel coming out in September: a piece of RACY SPECULATIVE FICTION that is totally obviously about Laura Bush! If Wonkette had a Book Club for Fancy Ladies and Gentlemen, this might be an inaugural selection. Lesbians, abortions, and sexy sex quotations via Radar after the jump.
- “Back in bed, he knelt on the mattress—I was lying flat, and he was above me—and perhaps it sounds crude to say that this is the moment I knew I could love him, when I saw his penis. With men in my past, the penis had seemed to me an odd creature, both comic and forlorn. But I felt a great devotion to Charlie when I first got a look at his, the ruddy-hued, upward-pointing shaft, its swollen veins and cap-like tip.” [This is the part where the first lady character has sex with the president guy.]
- “He pulled off my pants and underwear at the same time—I was wearing blue jeans, and he had to unbutton and unzip them first—and then I was naked except for my socks, which were white with lace trim. He tugged me upward and flipped me over, and when he said, ‘No, you have to be on your knees,’ it was the first time either of us had spoken in several minutes.” [This is the gal having sex with the brother of a boy she ran over, in a car. Laura Bush ran over a boy with a car once.]
- “My grandmother was not permitted in the operating room—when Dr. Wycomb appeared in the white coat. She squeezed my hand, and the warmth of her grip made me realize how cold I was. I wore a blue hospital gown, and when I lay on the operating table, the nurse had me set my feet in metal stirrups. ‘The doctor wants to talk to you before we put you under,’ the nurse said, and ten or twelve minutes had passed.” [That's the abortion part, dummies!]
- “I stepped instead into the living room, and just before I crossed the threshold, I heard my grandmother’s laughter, and just after I heard her laughter, I saw her sitting on Dr. Wycomb’s lap, kissing Dr. Wycomb on the lips.” [This is where she discovers her grandma is a lesbian with the abortionist Dr. Wycomb.]
In conclusion, Curtis Sittenfeld is pretty rad, and so is Laura Bush.
American Wife: Laura Bush Explored [Radar Online]
CANT UNSEE
YOWZA. Will be sure to add it to my library’s collection on the sly. No way this will get past our uptight male literature librarian!
The Laura Bush character must be rich — that’s the only explanation for the general anaesthesia and the operating room for the abortion. Hell, Texas-style they probably give you a coathanger, toss you in the bathroom and make you fish around in there yourself.
Does the book ever cover how many Valium a person should take per margarita? Well how about how much she missed the veiny, ruddy, cap-tipped cock of her husband when he was out banging that nice Russian expert he promoted to Secretary of State?
ick.
After reading this steamy stuff, I had to pound the flounder.
Anonymous - twas me.
The “the ruddy-hued, upward-pointing shaft, its swollen veins and cap-like tip” is obviously Dick Cheney.
Pale waltzing Christ . . . people actually read this shit?
Is there a section where her doofus husband on their wedding night waits for the swelling to go down before he gets into bed?
SayItWithWookies: Actually, I believe they just give you a punch to the gut, a shop vac and a wet-nap.
Where’s the buckets of pills? Not in the story but for me so I can erase the image of Laura doing it like they do on the Discovery Channel and W’s ginormous peen.
Charlie looked into my eyes: “It’s not forkingnation if if it’s inspirated by love… and I’d just love to get into your pants… er… whud you say your name was? Laura? Hey… got any more of that coke you brought to the party? I want to pour out a few grams between your shoulder blades and snort it while I’m doing you doggie style.”
That Laura Bush is so damn hot.
George has an ugly peen.
That’s just bad writing; what about the girth? The girth, damnit!
My nostrils flared as I read this, and I tore at buttons on my heaving chest. Then, pulling my belt away from my ample midriff, gazed in wonder at the Fruit of the Loom-concealed goodies therein.
From now on, we must only refer to W as “Ruddy-hued upward-pointing shaft”
MoodProcessor: in a barbituate induced incidental pedestrian-flattening sort of way. She’s the one I’d down a fist-full of V’s with.
It’s already gotten the Maureen Dowd Seal of Approval complete with cover ready blurb:
“It’s a well-researched book that imagines what lies behind that placid facade of the first lady…”
Just thinking of Dowd touching herself while reading the juicy parts has gotten me all hot and bothered.
wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong
I guarentee those were Mom Jeans he pulled off along with her pant…ew, I need a shower…
Is there are a black porn star with a Michelle Obama-inspired porn name yet? That needs to happen. I’d go with “Shelly O’Bombshell” or something. Maybe put her in some gonzo milf porn.
This is Fleshbot, right?
Scarab: Sittenfeld’s life experience pays off.
Botswana Meat Commission FC: FUND IT!
But I felt a great devotion to Charlie when I first got a look at his, the ruddy-hued, upward-pointing shaft, its swollen veins and cap-like tip.
Can only be read as an absurdly funny take on literary porn. I hope, because otherwise it is just absurdly stupid.
She gives me the willies. It’s that perpetually surprised psycho clown look that causes my stomach to receive a quart of acid.
Airborne Toxic Event: The Urban Dictionary’s definintion of “shake hands with President Bush.” http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=shake+hands+with+president+bush
I’m willing to bet someone a dollar there’s a sex on a horse scene. There always is in pervy books like this.
“Bring it on,” Charlie yelped, opening the mocha-colored bathrobe I’d painstakingly sewn from the skins of Iraqi babies. His body had long since gone to seed; it was no longer the lean, muscular, male cheerleader’s physique I once admired. I excused myself to the bathroom to swallow a fistful of Valium, praying Charlie would not need me to be conscious while performing my wifely duties.
Harvey Birdman: I’m picturing a chode.
“Back in bed, he knelt on the mattress—I was lying flat, and he was above me—and perhaps it sounds crude to say that this is the moment I knew I could love him, when I saw his penis. With men in my past, the penis had seemed to me an odd creature, both comic and forlorn. But I felt a great devotion to Charlie when I first got a look at his, the ruddy-hued, upward-pointing shaft, its swollen veins and cap-like tip.”
Yeah, that’s it–his penis won me over. Personality, who cares? Is he employed, who cares? Axe murderer? Insane? Who cares?! He has a comic and forlorn penis!
“How I Decorate The White House Christmas Tree - A Perspective On The Role of Women In The Republican Party - By Laura Bush”
I’ve seen W’s cock and I wasn’t impressed.
I always thought Laura was a saucy minx.
Christastic: youre very close…except its the husband/boyfriend that provides the punch in the stomach…[or in some cases abortion protesters]
oh, and the good part is that they give you a rose, a cute little teddy bear, and some orange juice/cookies afterwards…
Doglessliberal: Well, we KNOW George doesn’t have any observable qualities that aren’t totally repulsive, so women must have been drawn to his “comic and forlorn penis” (excellent choice of words!)
Airborne Toxic Event: ew ew ew. See, it was funny and ridiculous when I just read it abstractly, but if I cannot keep from my brain the fact that it is a roman à clef, and this is about W and Laura, I feel violently nauseated.
ronaldpagan: Tuna can.
…I’m disappointed, wheres the part where she has a bukkake gang-bang with every member of her college football team?!
First…
My eyes! MY EYES!!! They BURN!!!
Second, this is carrying the whole “fan fic” concept WAY too far.
Can lightly fictionalized gay coming-of-age stories starring Barry be far off?
I’m going to have to send out at least three, brain-cell-seeking martinis so they can find the neurons responsible for retaining the memory of that so-called ‘prose’ and ice ‘em. :p So thanks, thanks Wonkette for making me laugh at alcohol-fueled brain-death once again. Haha :p
AxmxZ: Larry Sinclair’s working on one from prison.
Doglessliberal: Alas, an engulfed labium with a springy clitoris makes me fall in love all the time… and out, and in, and out, and…
Wealthy people just don’t have sex… not even in soft cover fiction. Please don’t make me hurl.
Sex is best left to your average person who can appreciate it.
Oh, my head is throbbing.
fact would have been more interesting than this fictional account…..
you know damn well any mating by Laura and W required bunraku type handlers, dressed in black, to animate their lifeless corpses…
“The strangest thing of all, and what ultimately made my love for him even fonder, was that the penis was growing from his head. He was upset by this, but I told him to never fear. I said, ‘you will become a man of great power. You will reign for many years, ye with dick on head.’
He turned to me and said “I AM TURN YOU INTO FROG WITH FINGER,” and surely I was lost in his sensual statement. I knew not what to do, so I began eating the dick on his head. This gave him some confidence, and I knew that my plan was to be completed.”
Does this marvelous literary crapfest start with the sentance: “It was a dark and stormy night…”?
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!! I’m very glad we have a shower in my office. Thinking about shithead’s cockandballs is going to give me nightmares.
Curtis Sittenfeld is an obnoxious cunt. Her article about prep schools in the New York Times was an absolute piece of shit that shows that she obviously has no idea what she’s talking about.
But I can’t wait for the book!
anabellum: What if you don’t have insurance? Do you still get the rose, teddy bear, juice, and cookies?
With men in my past, the penis had seemed to me an odd creature, both comic and forlorn. But I felt a great devotion to Charlie when I first got a look at his, the ruddy-hued, upward-pointing shaft, its swollen veins and cap-like tip. All of it was so completely of him …
Wait, so what she’s saying is that, unlike most men, George, er, Charlie, looks like his penis? Hmm, she may have a point…
and horse milking.
“Cap-like tip”?So the guy’s got a cock that looks like an Alabama trailer park redneck wearing his Dead Daddy Dale No.3 ballcap?
I’m pretty sure this has already been done:
Robo used his product only occasionally, but tonight was special. He had two fifteen-year-old girls who would do anything for the drug, and he was determined to exploit the situation.
Say, baby, put that pipe down and get my pipe up, Robo said to one of the girls.”
Where’s the scene where she kills a dude with a car?
FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP
Doglessliberal: Compounded by the fact that Laura was feeling a little yeasty that day.
Airborne Toxic Event: well, there goes my lunch.
Doglessliberal: Yeah, that was pretty hot!
He tugged me upward and flipped me over, and when he said, ‘No, you have to be on your knees,’ it was the first time either of us had spoken in several minutes.”
Wait. Does this mean that Dubya does anal? Or maybe Curtis got momentarily confused after watching an interview with Larry Craig. Either way, ew.
wait, is the lesbian dr wycomb really lynne cheney? cuz that’d be so not hot.
queeraselvis v 2.0: No no no. Not W - this is some other guy, probably the Scott McClelland or Karl Rove character. Sexy!
can someone please translate this book into arabic? this will sell like hotcakes in the streets of Riyadh. there’s nothing more tintillating than forbidden president sex to turn on a muzzie
wait! this curtis is a woman?
ok that’s just stupid.
I need this book. Now. Curtis Sittenfeld : Laura Bush :: Me : Curtis Sittenfeld.
What, no bear-rape?