Wonkette
Dumb dumb dumb, dumb dumb dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb, dumb dumb dumb dumb. That is one “dumb” for each paragraph of Jonah Goldberg’s Los Angeles Times column today. For the record, we did not expect it to be “good,” in the traditional sense — we didn’t expect to read it at all! But 18 paragraphs of unmitigated “dumb” has a strangely magnetic appeal during this lazy news season. So let’s check out Jonah’s column, in which he argues that Obama’s plan to offer educational aid as a reward for national service is somehow both (a) welfare and (b) slavery. Europe, MTV, “the JFK cult,” and Rolling Stone magazine also play bit parts in Jonah’s remarkable paean to the God of Shit.
The metaphorical “link” was obvious to anyone with half a brain, of course, but only Jonah has the courage to voice it:
There’s a weird irony at work when Sen. Barack Obama, the black presidential candidate who will allegedly scrub the stain of racism from the nation, vows to run afoul of the constitutional amendment that abolished slavery.
For those who don’t remember, the 13th Amendment says: “Neither slavery nor involuntary servitude, except as a punishment for crime … shall exist within the United States.”
I guess in Obama’s mind it must be a crime to be born or to go to college.
In his speech on national service Wednesday at the University of Colorado, Obama promised that as president he would “set a goal for all American middle and high school students to perform 50 hours of service a year, and for all college students to perform 100 hours of service a year.”
He would see that these goals are met by, among other things, attaching strings to federal education dollars. If you don’t make the kids report for duty, he’s essentially telling schools and college kids, you’ll lose money you can’t afford to lose. In short, he’ll make service compulsory by merely compelling schools to make it compulsory.
He adds, many dumb paragraphs later, the following: “No, national service isn’t slavery. But it contributes to a slave mentality, at odds with American tradition.” Since when is the “slave mentality” at odds with the American tradition, past or present?
Scanning ahead, we learn about the hypocrisy of the “hipster crowd,” the two most common trademarks of which are MTV and Rolling Stone, known furnaces of the radical leftist slave mentality:
Perhaps thanks to the JFK cult, which sees the refrain “Ask not what your country can do for you …” as an all-purpose writ for social meddling, even the idealistic hipster crowd is on board. Devotees of Rolling Stone and MTV, who normally preen like cats in a pool of sunshine over their alleged libertarianism when the issue is sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll, see nothing wrong, and everything right, with involuntary servitude — as long as we just call it “voluntary.”
These, of course, are the same Unpatriotic bohemian miscreants who Hate America, a knowledgeable conservative such as Jonah Goldberg might argue. What’s the term he fancies? Liberal Fascism? Yes, these are the Liberal MTV Fascists, the Too-Cool Cult of Carson Daly. And a government program that rewards national service with education would not, at all, offer disenchanted young people a greater, more profound identity as Americans — a start, at least. It would make them slaves, black ones.
Forced servitude in America? [LA Times]
Fucking retard. I cannot believe I read that. We should institute slavery for people named “Jonah Goldberg.”
OH AND YOUR BOOK WAS FUCKING RETARDED YOU HACK.
This all started when Mommy Lucianne Goldberg told little Jo’berg to clean up his room. He hated her for it, because he wanted to keep playing. Years later he would learn that he had just at that moment learned what life was like in a Soviet Gulag work camp, where he was made to do something other than what he wanted to do at that moment.
AND he thinks that everyone is a fascist. Not just liberals, but EVERYONE. This is because he is crazy. Like a loon, but more so.
“I had sex with Jonah and his Menorah.”
-Glenn Beck
One of the LAT commenters referred to him as “Doughy Pantload.” No further questions.
Sounds more like a manifesto written from a cabin in the woods than a LA Times column…
Fudgey Goldberg the Whale is correct because volunteer servitude in peacetime is the 15th level of hell while stop loss in a fucked up pointless war is fun fun fun.
Cut him some slack. He’s a grotesque fat fuck who never got laid. That would make anyone cranky to the point of incoherence.
I’m very amused that Mr. Goldberg’s image of “hipsters” includes MTV viewers and the readers of Rolling Stone.
The definition of “hipster” must have changed to mean “15 year old semi-literates and 45 year old ponytails who want to be Nickelback-literate when hitting on 24 year olds”.
Politics aside, Rolling Stone strikes me as a pretty conservative institution at this point, what with being bankrolled by ads for cigarettes, booze and penile enlargement. And MTV? Do the kids still watch that? I figured it had been completely rendered obsolete by Illegal Downloading, Internet Porn and Wonkette.
Republican minorities/log cabins/jews are the worst. Examples: Malkin, Condie, this guy, Mary Cheney. It’s like they have to go to the extremes of disgusting conservatism so that they can prove that they’re truly, madly, and deeply Republican. It’s because they know that their own party hates them so they up the ante. So sad. So very sad.
Idiocy that only LA-based conservative claptrap can generate. These guys love the smell of their own fumes so much that they have custom exhausts made to streamline their own flatulence.
queeraselvis v 2.0: Does he rise when baked?
I haven’t been to Wonkette all day, and this is the first thing I see? Makes me want to break something. Now I feel all liberal fascisty.
I consider reading Jonah the Whale’s nonsense 5 minutes of my indentured servitude.
Jonah has a right to be worried. After doing 50 hours of community service the average highschooler will have a resume more impressive then his own.
Jonah Decoded: The nigra wants to makes us all slaves.
I agree that the way he says stuff is nearly unbearable, but I’m wondering if he might be right about this one? Please don’t call me Tony the Tiger for saying so. It’s idiotic to call volunteer work anything akin to slavery, but I don’t see the possibility of making volunteering manadatory as having any long-lasting positive effects. Most kids will just shoulder the responsibility and hate every minute of it, or find ways to get out of it.
If it’s dumb then I’m not reading it. Besides, I have people…people who read that stuff for me and if it’s important, they’ll tell me what to think. OH SHIT! I JUS’ GAVE MAH ‘DENTITY AWAY!
“Devotees of Rolling Stone and MTV…” Does ANYONE read “Rolling Stone” or watch MTV anymore? I think the last time I did was sometime in the 80’s, where, yes, my “issue is sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll.” Or, was, rather. And, as much as I liked MTV (even working with them in Daytona Beach for their Spring Breaks in the 80’s), I never followed the political advice of “Downtown” Julie Brown (no matter how good a pool player she was), Ken Ober (ass), Nina Blackwood, Mark Goodman, Alan Hunter, J.J. Jackson, or Martha Quinn (really, really cute). I scare myself that I remember that many “VJ’s”. I am off for a drink.
He’s just ventilating his nightly fantasy of being Barry’s slave in a socially acceptable way.
When did being fair and presenting facts and facets of an issue become giving any ranting idiot a platform? Sometimes, people are wrong. Sometimes, there are NOT two sides to an issue that deserve equal time. If the “fairness” standard the MSM seems to apply now had been around during WWII, Hitler would be getting a page a week for “his side of the story” in the NY Times. No. Just no. I am tired of the ranting morons being treated like learned sages and being given the imprimatur of the MSM.
(she says, ranting and maybe moronically)
NotUrEvryDayWEzl: Knowing Jonah, he probably rises after being kneaded for 5 minutes and then punched down.
And what are you doin’ reportin’ on dumb stuff Jim? Are we making any fuckin’ progess on removafication of Slim Slack Shank?
I think I suffered a stroke after reading that. All of a sudden I’m like that guy in “The Diving Bell and Butterfly.” In fact, I’m snarking using only my eyelid right now.
BigLar: You must be my age. MTV stopped being cool and cutting edge about 20 years ago.
This is particularly brilliant:
“Does that mean the government should fund churches? That’s what they do in Europe and — surprise! — most pews sit empty.”
I’m going to skip the pure factual stupidity of this and move right on to the idea that Goldberg is now equating attending church with slavery. It kinda makes me feel a little bit churchy, even.
Isn’t cornerning people with financial imperatives was what conservatives called “voluntary” with a straight face?
BigLar: “Downtown” Julie Brown, eh? Wubba wubba wubba.
Way to stay current, douchetard. Btw Goldy, don’t forget to renew your comp subscription to Seventeen.
I am sure that at least 80% of the MTV-watching morans couldn’t describe what ‘libertarianism’ means, and at least half would respond with “I ain’t no librarian!”
I am currently paying $922 for a 3-semester hour course at my crappy in-state university and tuition has increased over 20% in 4 years time. At that rate I won’t be able to afford to send my yet-to-be-born kids to college. Besides, we already have a form of slavery in return for education dollars called the US Army and kids certainly don’t feel forced to volunteer for that.
AnnieGetYourFun: Who cares what the kids think? They’re getting money out of the deal, right? So think of the benefit to the communities these kids work in: We’ll see the first soup kitchens with beer bongs. God Bless Us.
Doglessliberal: I was just talking about that the other day with a friend. We were discussing how weird it is that certain issues seem to have unnecessary “balance”, where the guy who admitted to committing the crime gets to pussyfoot around the entire issue for half of the air time. Like pretty much anytime the current administration pisses on the Constitution. The story is the fact that the administration is breaking the law, and instead, 50% of the story is a mealy-mouthed defense or diversion tactic from one of their weasels.
If Jonah Goldberg had more of a capacity to reflect on his own words, he would make the connection between his description of “voluntary incentive-based servce” as slavery and the Marxian argument that capitalism makes wage-slaves of us all. Of course, if he had said capacity, he would have to kill himself.
Hmmm…requiring college students to work 100 hours of community service before a bank will lend them thousands of dollars in government-subsidized loans to goof off for four years at the college of their choice. Goldberg calls that slavery? I call it capitalism, as in “there ain’t no such thing as a free lunch”.
But then again, people like Goldberg think college should be restricted to those scions of “good families of correct breeding” who think “community service” is a check for $10,000 at a DAR luncheon. So get lost, you huddled masses!
Should read:
Tis iz teh realz prob wid teh nachonal serves maniacally: It fixin what broked. Noes! national slavery! But it contributing to a slave! It at odds with American Internetz tradition. It assuming tat work not done for government really for “common goodz.”
Anything that will force panty pudding Jonah Goldberg to slave away in the hot sun for 50 hours is good by me.
Inadequate Blackmail: Just strikes me as something that will be overturned in a few years, that’s all. I could give a rat’s ass about what kids think or want, but there’s also the infrastructure to consider - you have to set up safe and legal ways for kids to volunteer with proper supervision. None of the issues that Jonah brought up are relevant, but the underlying idea, however noble, strikes me as doomed for failure.
AnnieGetYourFun: Oh, without a doubt. Requiring community service for school kids is probably only 0.000001% more effective than requiring it for DUIs and misdemeanors - maybe less. But of course that wasn’t Jonah’s point.
Jonah? What kinda Jew names his progeny Jonah? I’m obviously not up to par on my Jewology, but I though God punished Jews if they didn’t name their kids Arvad, Joziah, or Jimmy? Obviously Jonah’s father was A VERY BAD JEW and has been banished to the wander the cultural desert of Miami Beach for 40-years and now Bad Jew Jr. is all bitter. I dunno! I don’t care! I WANT MY MTV!!!
Ahh, libertarians…those special souls for whom the beginning and end of all principle is “but I don’t wanna, and you can’t make me! I’M TELLING.”
The Goldberg: Indeed, there’s ample evidence that countries with intrusive and expensive welfare states stifle their citizens’ spirit of charity and volunteerism precisely because people conclude that every problem should be solved by government.
…the right is really fucking bitter that every indicator of quality of life, strength of the economy and overall health of a country show that the European way works better, aren’t they? But if we provided basic social services from mandatory tax money, that would take away the wealthy people’s ability to feel generous for giving away .05% of their huge incomes, which is clearly the most important consideration here.
This is only the beginning of the psychosis we can expect to see displayed in a myriad of ways as it becomes clear that their attempt to turn this country into a religious cult that worships the “white god” and money has come crashing down around them.
Swift Boat - That shits for pussies. What will come out both before the election and after Hopey wins will be as ugly as anything this country has ever seen.
I challenge you to listen to FM 105 and the nuts they have on in the afternoons to get a taste of the absolute fear they have of not only Dems taking over, but a black liberal with the charm of JFK to boot.
shortsshortsshorts: Thank you for translating!
I lost no less than 15 IQ points after reading that. At this rate, if I read Goldberg religiously, I’ll be as dumb as him in 50 to 75 years.
His douchebag overfloweth.
Hipsters don’t vote! They’re too busy ogling that chick in the slim slack Ad on the left. Or that girl on that huge Ad with the butt near the 2nd Ave. F train. New Yorkers, you know what I’m talking about.
In Goldberg’s defense, in scoring this dive on the 1-6 crazy scale, we must note some signs of moderation. He did not say that national service was like being marched into Dachau by jack-booted storm troopers, and he did not mention the Red Guards. [Holds up card with the number 4 on it.]
What sired this wad? How does anyone have a worldview like that? And then get published?
Dost thou protest the selective service requirement to receive federal aid, Jonah? Write an article about Conservative Communism and I’m with you!
Hmm I’m not from the US and I’ve never read anything by this Jonah Goldberg before, but I read the LA Times piece, and honestly, it is not nearly as stupid and crazy as you make it out to be. He argues that compulsory service conflicts with the idea that involuntary servitude is a punishment, as outlined in the 13th Amendment. Do you disagree with this? I sure can’t tell, all you did was call him dumb (wow…what an insightful observation…really adds to the debate) and laughed at the combination of words “Liberal Fascists”. I think this article is kind of disappointing and kind of dumb, there’s no actual engagement in a real debate.
madirishman: yeah, arguments like his always seem to come from whites who have been handed everything throughout there lives on a platter. New rule: no one gets to have an opinion published in the MSM or make laws until they have to support themselves with no help, family money, grants, scholarships, etc, for a year. You can vary the factors, so some would have to be in school and pay tuition while owrking a job or two, while others would have to support a family of three children and a spouse who doesn’t work because of a disability. Oh, and be black.
Everyone knows this guy is a fuck. His whole book is either brilliantly conflating liberalism and fascism or brilliantly obfuscating what fascism actually was.
I think the thing that bothers me most is that he actually believes this shit. I mean, Colter and O’Rielly obviously don’t believe the crap the peddle.
Doglessliberal: Yes *sigh* I am way too old. I tell people at my old university that we used to watch MTV for the videos and I either get the “Tell us more about the olden days, o wizened one!” or the “Oh God, he’s reminiscing again, how can I get out of here?” look.
“Indeed, there’s ample evidence that countries with intrusive and expensive welfare states stifle their citizens’ spirit of charity and volunteerism precisely because people conclude that every problem should be solved by government. Merely paying your taxes substitutes for charity, and cleaning up roadside litter for two years absolves you from doing anything more.”
I wonder if Jonah knows of foreign countries other than Canada? I ask because the only countries I can think of with intrusive and expensive welfare states, like China, also have zero history of modern civil society. Even when the government is less tyrranical, the probability of people beginning to volunteer their time for the common good is about zilch (Korea). This isn’t because people feel the government will handle everything, but rather because you don’t work for the common good - you work to uphold your family’s honor.
Wait, so by Goldberg’s (cough) logic, aren’t schools slavery?
THEIR lives. Nothing like making a point with the wrong word.
My eyeball exploded about halfway through that article. I hope I didn’t miss anything groundbreaking and intelligent.
buythewholecow: You must be under the impression that this site fosters debate. I pity you, O Foreign One!
AfghanVet: Yeah…This is gonna be GREAT!
:-) :-p
To echo what others have said: if your idea of “those darn kids today” = Rolling Stone readers and MTV viewers, then you’re probably the least qualified person still living to comment on anything even remotely pertaining to anyone under 38 years of age.
buythewholecow: I get the milk for free.
buythewholecow: How is comparing a compulsive educational program (in the vein of, I don’t know, EVERY OTHER PART OF EDUCATION) to slavery worthy of “debate?” It’s dumb, dumb, dumb.
umm… gee, a democrat, that actually wants people to work for their handouts?
hmm.. i guess he has this republican’s vote…
hey… maybe just maybe.. it can solve some welfare and homeless problems?
wow! what a concept! a candidate that actually thinks of solutions instead of kissing everyone’s ass!
I LOVE IT!@
AnnieGetYourFun: You may be right, but I think it’s worth attempting. There seems to be this undercurrent in youth culture right now that recognizes, perhaps even longs for, the nobility of public service. If that could be tapped into, while offering educational rewards, this current generation and the country would be stronger for it.
Strong country? God, I sound like a Republican. Also we need free needles for heroin junkies.
Last I checked, I was working 40+ hours a week. I.e., all we are asking of said children is 2 and half weeks of work? OH THE HORROR
buythewholecow: In case you haven’t noticed, Wonkette is about making fun of idiots, not engaging in debate with them.
Oh shit, I think I just engaged in debate with an idiot.
NotUrEvryDayWEzl:
You don’t understand… that’s a totally unacceptable cut in X-Box 360 time.
buythewholecow: It’s not compulsory service! First of all, many many high schools have community service requirements already, and they’re state-funded (”public”) schools, and that has not yet been considered slavery. Obama’s plan is to give like 4k in college tuition to kids who perform some sort of national service. If Jonah is saying this is money they “need” and are thus compelled to perform the service, why isn’t the state bankrolling everyone’s college education already? As far as the most half-rational argument in his column — that the program wouldn’t produce too much in the way of actual results — that’s not the metric by which its success would be measured. It’s a *voluntary* way of getting more people involved in collective action that requires individual sacrifice, and that’s a mindset everyone needs to shift toward if this country is going to survive.
paisley: Uh oh…he’ll probably have your dick in his ass if your not careful…or yours in his. You repubs are so…close that way. ;-P
BigLar: Here’s how old I am. That replacements video that was just a picture of a big speaker was really cool.
Slavery’s better than no jobs at all.
Wow, that is a highly concentrated dose of retardation right there. I picture Jonah Goldberg busting through a wall like the Kool Aid man, except shitting and drooling everywhere. “Duh, hey everybody, Obama is a slave master!”
My private high school did have a community service requirement for graduation. Then during and right after I graduated college I took a series of unpaid internships.
OMG!!!1! I R A SLAVEZS.
Jim Newell: Yeah, most high schools around the DC area have community service requirements. The majority of the students complain and then end up falling in love with whatever they pick to do and go on and do more on their own or expand the service into a larger life goal. Call me Hopey, Jr., but I choose to believe that once people start giving of themselves, they realize how rewarding it can be, and how it helps all of society. Yeah, some don’t, but since when do we make rules based on the jerks and the lowest common denominator? I’d like to make policy based on the best we can be.
OK, soapbox, unicorns, and rainbows stowed for the day.
Serolf Divad: Oh, damn, hadn’t thought of that.
Ok, you win.
I guess in Obama’s mind it must be a crime to be born or to go to college.
This is the hackiest line I’ve ever read. Kill yourself, shit biscuit.
SystemError: what do you get, like, a donkey and a half acre or something?
This guy’s evidence that the differently abled can indeed hold jobs that previously were reserved for so-called normal people.
You go, Jonah! We’re all winners!
buythewholecow: In addition to the basically inarguable points Jim makes above, you also have to understand the deep hypocrisy in Goldberg’s article: Namely that a pundit who supports the current administration’s military policies would think he has any credibility to harangue his political opponents about involuntary servitude.
buythewholecow:
Jonah Goldberg is well known to most of us at this point. We already know he’s a complete fuckwad. Very little to debate there, really.
buythewholecow: If it’s constitutional to drag me from my home, shove a rifle in my hand, fly me 8000 miles, drop me in the mud (or desert), and force me to shoot at people who haven’t called me by any ethnic slur I’ve ever heard of — all under the threat of imprisonment — then this glorified adopt-a-highway business is definitely constitutional. Don’t think that people haven’t tried to sue the Selective Service Board on 13th Amendment grounds.
Also, doesn’t McCain have some kind of half-assed national service plan of his own? I guess that one must be slavery-safe.
I’m cool with young people doing community service, AS LONG AS THEY STAY OFF MY LAWN. Goddamned kids these days. Perhaps they could go replace golf course divots with McCain’s tool or something poetic like that.
One of my favorite “rumors everyone knows to be true” is the following:
Lewinsky:Clinton = Lucianne Goldberg:LBJ
Botswana Meat Commission FC: Well, there’s the issue of whether he’s a fuckwad douchenozzle or a fuckneck ballsucker? I’ll bet we could foster a healthy debate, possibly for HOURS, around this question.
Whadda twat
AnnieGetYourFun: Community Service requirements for high school graduation are already required here in the People’s Republic of Maryland. Nobody seems to catch on to the inherent Orwellian oxymoronity of mandatory volunteerism.
That doesn’t excuse Jonah from being a whiny sack of shit.
I am a slave to Wonkette. And Caramello bars.
It’s already been said, but at least in Georgia we’re already required to do community service to graduate on a state level — only 10 hours a year, to be true, but most students do more than that to look good for college. No one really minds it, that I know of, and I (and most of my friends) did 60 hours this past year.
So… a few hours of community service a year is unconstitutional, but reinstating the draft isn’t?
shevralay: Selling Christmas trees at the high school or emptying bed pans at the hospital don’t quite stack up to the rigors of a coupla years in the Army or Peace Corps does it.
I like how Goldberg framed the argument. I await his next column in which he starts off “It’s ironic that the Democrats are electing somebody who isn’t part of the Nazi concept of the Aryan race because said Democratic policy is like Nazism.”
Then, of course, somewhere in the middle he will say “no, I’m not saying the Democrats are like Nazis, but many Germans vote for them.”
I try to tell people it’s tough not knowing if you are LBJ’s or Dick Nixon’s love child. Kid’s laughed and called him “twinky.” Chuckie Todd gave him dutch rubs and swirlies all the time. He used to get phantom boners whenever Pat Buchanon was around that filled him with shame. One tragic day, Petey Beinhardt smoked a joint with him and revealed that the Seven Castaways each represented one of the Seven Deadly Sins sending his mind into a spiraling fit of paranoia about shadowy conspiracies involving the Rothchildes, Lizard People, and Nazis that lasts till today. Pity him.