just pour some tussin on it

Magic 8 Ball Knows Everything About Health Care

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Here’s the debut ad from the newly formed “Health Care For America Now,” an advocacy group for universal health care with Elizabeth Edwards as its figurehead. Its message is clear: 40-some million Americans lack health insurance not because of its cost or availability. No, the real reason is that whenever Americans try to find decent, affordable plans, this unusually surly Magic 8 Ball shows up on their couch and tells them to put a sock in it. [WSJ, YouTube]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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  • shortsshortsshorts

    Is this some kind of hand job training video?

  • medievalist

    Funny, I called my health insurance company today and now I know what they were doing when they put me on hold.

  • user-of-owls

    Could be worse, I guess. We could have a Ouija Board running our Iraq policy. Wait, what?

  • corinnemic

    Mmmm, the ol’ “Eight-Ball Handjob”.

  • ManchuCandidate

    I thought an 8 Ball of coke was the cure for no health insurance.

  • Truculent

    The 8 Ball is last-century technology. State of the art is monkeys flinging pooh at an answer chart. Get with the times.

  • NotUrEvryDayWEzl

    Mmm… eight-balls…

  • NotUrEvryDayWEzl

    [re=31365]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Right. But the government won’t let you have that either.

  • WhatTheHeck

    My Magic 8 Ball is held firmly in the hands of my insurance company.
    They keep telling me to turn to the right and cough.
    I dare not question any claim they deny or my magic ball will disappear forever.

  • warreno

    [re=31356]medievalist[/re]: “now I know what they were doing when they put me on hold.”

    Bobbling their balls?

  • shortsshortsshorts

    Insurance companies? They don’t need a fucking eight ball. The only thing they have to know is “no.”
    Pre-existing condition?
    Too fat? Too skinny? Too old? Too young?
    Fuck it. Just go with “No.”

  • ShortShadey

    The video’s “no longer available”? Damn, I was looking forward to seeing that mighty fine gray-haired milf fondling that ball.

  • V572625694

    The only person who can resolve this crisis, of course, is the candidate who’s had government-paid socialized medicine his whole life, and this therefore an expert on our system: Panamanian strongman Juan McCain. His answer is to eliminate the employer deduction for health care insurance. What could go wrong?

  • TGY

    Not realistic enough. There facets of the 8-ball should read, “Haha, you’re fucked”, “That procedure is too expensive. Have you tried medicated gerbil massage?”, “I’m sorry, your policy has been suspended because you are sick.” and so forth.

  • Servo

    They have to protect their investors, whose retirement portfolio is MUCH more important than our lives.
    It’s going to be the fucking Bastille before long. Mark my words.

  • LBOtomist

    [re=31344]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Win!

  • NotUrEvryDayWEzl

    [re=31409]Servo[/re]: 6 days!

  • sezme

    I call bullshit because:

    A: When I was a lad, if my magic 8-ball failed to give me that answer I desired, I would just try again and again until it did.

    B: This is obviously some off-brand sorta-magic 8-ball which shows its answers on a diamond instead of the proper triangle and only has negative answers. America should shell out for the genuine Mattel Magic 8-Ball if it wants affordable comprehensive coverage.


  • Servo

    You know what I mean! :)

  • Serolf Divad


    Exactly… when NO ONE can afford health care the insurance companies will have to lower their rates… right? Right?

  • shortsshortsshorts

    [re=31517]Serolf Divad[/re]: If only…

    What will probably happen? All Health Insurance companies will realize that oil rich nations refuse universal health care, and will pay top dollar *profit profit profit*. Therefore- no more hospitals in the United States. Huzzah!